It only gets weirder-er

by Aiet

FINALLY!!!

I woke up the next day around noon in a different room. I rolled over blinking away the sleep from my eyes and found Fluttershy asleep peacefully next to me. I snuggled up close to her and she let out a content sigh, I could do this forever with the best pony ever. Unfortunately other people make plans and they involve me.

“Meason you in here?” I looked up to see Twilight entering the room. She looked a little shocked to see me in Fluttershy's bed.

“What, You can't share her?” I said sitting up and smirking. Twilight went red in the face and looked down.

“Luna needs to talk to you in the throne room, she didn’t say what about though.” I hate it when other people involve me in things when I could be sleeping or eating. I got out of bed and dressed while Fluttershy woke up. She looked at me with a sleepy grin and laid back down, I have that effect on people... and ponies apparently. I followed Twilight but she didn't enter with me, instead she walked off as I went in. I found Luna speaking to some guards and when she saw me she dismissed them.

“Good you're here. How did you sleep?” I walked up closer as she spoke.

“I'd say pretty good for that fact I was ridden all night.” she looked at me confused.

“Somepony rode you last night?” I face palmed and sighed. Being sent to the moon really kills your knowledge of slang... and just about everything else too.

“Yes. What was it you needed to talk to me about?” she straitened her self and spoke more seriously.

“I have received word of an advancing army, small in size. I want you to take your troops and meet them in two days time.” I wonder what this king was planing, it seemed like a trap. I nodded my head any ways with out a word.

“One more thing... we have a spy amongst us...” mean while Travis arrived at the front gate with a roar. Guards looked at him confused as he pulled up in a coughing truck.

“Yall fella's mind opening the gate?” they looked at one another then nodded, soon Travis rolled in with the engine purring like an ancient asthmatic cat. He managed to fix the truck with some help of the Apples and apparently apple juice made great fuel. Suddenly there was a loud bang and smoke started spewing out from under the hood. Travis hit his head against the steering wheel and sighed.

“Told you it was a piece of shit.” I came walking came walking over to him and the new BBQ smoker. He glared at me as I went to the driver side window.

“Any hizzles, Luna needs to talk to you about something. Most likely about how great I am or something along those lines.” he gave me a blank look.

“Right because ya leave everyone stunned thanks to yer enormous ass.” I smirked at him and wiggled my ass.

“I know, it is amazing.” I backed away so he could open the door and go speak to Luna.

“She's in the throne room and while your gone I'm going to turn this bucket of rust into porta-potty.” he kept walking and flipped me off.

“Touch it and yer dead.” I laughed as he walked away, I didn't want to touch it anyways. You would almost get lock jaw just by looking at it. I left and went to gather my troops and tell them about our up coming mission. I found them doing manly things like arm wrestling, lifting weights, and making out. The last one was a little bit of a problem since they were all male but I don't judge.

“Line up ass hats!” everyone quickly formed a line in front to me and all stood at attention. I walked up and down the line and spoke.

“In two days all of us, the most elite, are going to intercept a small army on their way here. What they are planing we don’t know but it doesn't matter because we are going to send them back in a match box. DO YOU UNDERTAND ME?”

“SIR YES SIR!” they answered back in unison loud and clear.

“I want you doughnut punchers suited up and ready when that day comes aND I WANT TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR AN AFTERNOON NAP! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”

“SIR YES SIR!”

“Dismiss.” I turned and left them to go to get something to eat since it was already noon. There was more traffic in the halls as things were getting in gear for the war but it didn’t take me long to get there. I arrived in the kitchen to find a fire from hell itself and three panicking fillies. I sat back and watched them try to put out the blazing fire the engulfed the whole stone oven.

“Here try this!” Sweetie Belle said as she handed a bucket filled with liquid to Applebloom. Unfortunately it was oil and the fire just grew bigger. I had to stop them from burning the castle down.

“Ok move back three mustkatards.” they turned to me scared and I pulled them back behind me. I stood a little ways from the fire and took a deep breath, my chest swelled up to three times it's size. Then I let out my breath real fast over the fire. The girls gasped in surprise as they saw the flames literally freeze and ice over. I walked over to the fice-ice sculpture and broke off a small piece of a flame, popping it into my mouth.

“Oh spicy yet cool.” I let out a cough and smoke came out my mouth. I turned to the three now nervous fillies.

“We didn't mean to...”

“...we we're just tryin' are luck at makin' ice cream...”

“... for our Cutie marks.” I gave them all a strange look.

“... And why did you need the stove? Actually never mind, I'm going to go take a nap.” I left the three of them poking at the fire-ice and went to find a couch to sleep on. It seemed that Rainbow Dash had the same idea as I found her on a large red couch that sat opposite of an identical one in a large room towards the back of the castle. I laid down on the other one and closed m eyes when I heard Rainbow Dash talk in her sleep.

“Spank me harder.” I opened my eyes to look at her still asleep, I was going to remember that for next time. I closed my eyes again and soon fell asleep. Travis at the time was with Luna after the had their private discussion (not even you're allowed to know. Why? Because it's private and not my favorite type of private either).

“... and then he was swimming in a sea of cheese.” both laughed as Luna was talking about a random pony's dream she had remembered. They were talking and walking the halls going slowly to the back of the castle. Travis thought about something and then spoke.

“Will Ah had a dream once were ah saw one of the most beautiful being alive. Ah followed her everywhere but she kept slipping further away until she was gone. Then ah saw a falling star and ah wished ah could find her again and you know what happened?” Luna looked a little uncomfortable as he talked about some one from his dreams.

“What happened?” Travis gave her a smirk.

“Ah woke up here and found her.” they stopped walking as Travis looked into her eyes and she realized he was talking about her and blushed hard. If I had been there, thank Celestia's round ass I wasn't, I would have been puking up rainbows. So skipping the part where Luna leads Travis into an empty room and they make out with nothing else happening they were now walking again down the halls. They then happened to come up on a sleeping light brown angle with a hand down his pants, Rainbow Dash had woken up and left before they came.

“Aww he looks like a retarded monkey.” if I had been awake Travis would be flying out a window.

“He is deep in sleep dreaming.” Luna commented as she looked at me that gave Travis an idea (which he doesn't have many).

“Ah wonder what he's dreamin' about?” he looked at Luna and she got the idea. She pulled him closer and her horn flared with magic. They both closed their eyes as the magic wrapped around them and they were gone. In a split second they were back with wide eyes.

“Let's never go there again.”

“Yes... I would have to agree with you on that.” they both gave me one last startled look and slowly walked away. Moments later when they were gone I woke up feeling great. It was getting close to night time and most of the people in the castle were winding down. Unfortunately for them I was winding up. I started creeping through the halls as music played from unseen electronics and I played a violin. The moon was raising and I knew the perfect song. I started playing as I walked past rooms of ponies trying to sleep but now worried about the strange music going down the halls (and to let you know the song is Moon Trance by Lindsey Stirling the woman who would be the mother of both Octavia and Vinyl). As the song picked up faces peaked out doors watching me dance to the music that I played. They haven't heard something like this before and it sent chills up their spines. As the song came to the end I danced strait to a corner that was cloaked in shadows, then as the last note was played I disappeared into the shadows and all was quiet. Doors slowly closed and ponies tried to sleep but were a little scared to close their eyes and I popped up in the shadows in their room. And by the will of some cosmic asshole I ended up in Celestia's room.

“I'd rather be in hell right now.”

“FIFTY!” even the loud booming voice didn’t cause her to look up from the scroll she was reading.

“Ok I'm getting real tired of your shit. Since the first time I met you have done nothing but ignore me and it's pissing me off. I'm about snap.” my eye was twitching as I looked at her, still ignoring me.

“What the fuck is your problem? YOU CANKEROUS WHORE MONGERING SLUT BAG-” as I was yelling at her she stood up and starting doing something strange. She closed her eyes and her cheeks puffed out, afterwords letting out an excited sigh. If I had been able to read minds this is what I would have heard.

Finally! Those bubbles have refused to pop for so long and I can hear again... who is this screaming at me?

“- ASS HAT SHIT LAND PONY!” she turned to me with a confused look.

“Are you ok?” I think what little sanity I had crumbled away ( and it's been small and withering away much like my conscious).

“Am I ok? OH SO NOW YOU CAN HEAR ME?” I started yelling again and as I was about to go on when an even louder scream cut me off.

“OH YES JUST LIKE THAT!” it wasn't a scream of anger, more of the variety of screams that I like. We both had a confused look on our faces and I turned to leave and find out who it was. I walked down the hall to two guards at a door with wide eyes. Celestia was right behind me as I walked into the room to find Travis on top of Luna...

“Ahhh!”

… giving her a massage.

“Aww...” I pouted as Celestia looked at the two a little mad but then gave a sigh of relief with a shake of her head. Travis looked at us like he was in major trouble but Luna had a dreamy face on.

“Oh worry not sister... we did that an hour ago.” a lot of things happened at once. A let out another 'ahh' and Celestia's head turned on a swivel right back at me. While she wasn't paying attention Travis jumped out the window as Luna started dozing off. When Celestia turned back to find Travis she immediately went to the window to find him climbing down some vines that grow along the wall. He looked up with a nervous chuckle and she gave him a stare of daggers. Then she used her magic to levitate him with her and took off. I watched them fly off and then it hit me like Brown and Whitney (allegedly). I slowly made it to the bed and sat down by Luna as she opened her eyes.

“You ruined him... I can't make fun of him... for being a virgin... any more.” I started choking up as I spoke. One of my greatest joys in life was gone. Luna just grinned and closed her eyes again as my world was falling apart. My two chin retard was a man now.