It only gets weirder-er

by Aiet

I regret nothing

I felt heavy and my head was foggy, I have no idea what happened. The last thing I remember was the... shake. Now it came to me. I heard shuffling around after I turned to get the honey for... Lyra. She must have switched the shakes after she put something in her shake. Something tells me that when I open my eyes I won't like what I see. I then slowly opened my eyes and what I saw I... liked. It was just the sky, bright blue with few fluffy clouds. Something was around the sky though like it was in a frame. I looked around and noticed that there was walls made of... dirt all around me. Then I heard heavy breathing and low, frantic talking.

“Oh my Celestia, what have I done?” it was Lyra and she seemed really worried about something. Why was there dirt wall around me? Suddenly I was hit in the face with something and it got in my mouth. It tasted horrible, it was dirt. Dirt? Dirt! I was being buried alive. I spat it out as more dirt came raining down on me.

“Hey what the hell are you doing?”

“FIFTEEN!” I heard a yelp and then nothing at all for a couple of moments. Then Lyra slowly poked her head over the edge of my grave.

“Oh my Celestia, you're alive!” she smiled in relief but I just gave her a pissed look. I wasn't about to be buried alive twice in my life (I am never going back to Mexico). I stood up and shook the dirt off me as she backed up. It wasn't hard for me to get out since the hole was only deep enough to cover me up with a couple feet of dirt. Now I stood facing her and she looked at me sheepishly. Then she burst into tears.

“I'm so sorry. After I drugged you I made an excuse to the Cakes and dragged you out. But by the time we got here to the park you stopped breathing and I thought I killed you.” I just looked at here with a blank face, literally. I didn't have a face any more. Turning around my face came back and I walked off leaving her next to my would-be grave. I was going to go to Twilight's and go to bed. I've had a very bad time. Lyra just watched me walk off with out a word to her and she felt relieved she hadn't killed me. She thought at least now she could keep on stalking me but not stalking. More like very careful, nearly every second of the day watching over me and making sure I was alright. I have a knack for attracting crazy woman... and gay man for that matter. I guess nether sex, human or pony, could resist me (totally).

“Hey Meason, why are you covered in dirt?” it was dark by the time I made it back to the tree house and I walked in on the middle of dinner between Twilight, Spike, and Rarity. I ignored Twilight's question and kept walking.

“Um darling are you alright?” I stopped and looked over at them as Rarity spoke.

“Peachy.” I resumed walking and went to Twilight's bed, I usually slept on the couch but I didn't care right now. Laying down under the covers it felt so good to be able to relax and I fell asleep fast. I don't know how long I was asleep but sometime after midnight I was awoken by someone calling my name.

“... could you at least scoot over?” I did as I was asked and twilight slipped in next to me. I hope she didn't mind the... dirt? I opened an eye and saw that I was clean and there was no dirt in the bed. Strange but I didn't care, I was tired. I quickly fell back to sleep.

“Hehe, that feels nice.” a voice woke me up and being hit in the face with sun light. I opened my eyes to nothing but dark blue hair with purple strips.

“Oh my tap dancing Celestia what did I do now?” I was nearly all over Twilight. My left hand was under her on her chest bringing her close to me. My right hand was on her flank by the top of her tail. She had her left leg draped over my legs and was arching a lot into me. I was ok with this.

“I never new fingers could be so... magical.” I chuckled and wish I could remember what I did, maybe I was still affected by the drugs some what.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight shot up and looked at spike who was very confused. Her face was bright red which was funny because it was purple.

“NOTHING! He just gave me a... massage, yeah he gave me a massage.” I guess Spike was ok with that answer as he just nodded his head.

“Can I have one?” Twilight got even brighter, she was almost glowing by now.

“No, go and fix breakfast.” he turned around a little grumpy and left. Twilight let out a sigh of relief and laid back down facing me.

“Maybe I just might pay you for the private “study”, even more so since after last night.” ok what the hell did I do?

“What did you do last night?” Twilight shot up again looking at spike who was holding a tray of food. Wow he was fast.

“Nothing Spike, why don't you take the day off.” he didn't argue with that. He set down the tray on the bad and ran off. After the door closed she waited a couple of seconds and took another sigh of relief. Once again she laid back down next to me.

“So now that he is gone we can-”

“DELIVERY MOTHERBUCKER!” we both shot up as suddenly the door burst open and something came hurdling through the air right at my face. Now when this defying laws of nature and physics happens it makes me feel really weird, like at this moment for instance. I don't know who delivered the package since it was a male's voice but they got one hell of an arm. It was lodged right in my face about six inches. Twilight carefully pried the package from the crater in my face and it popped back to normal. I watched her open it and inside was a letter and something wrapped in paper. She opened the letter as I grabbed the other thing.

“It's from Princess Luna.” she read the letter as I opened what ever it was. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing when I had it opened. It was a ball gag.

“I-I have to go.” she was red again as she took the letter and the ball gag from me. She hurried out the door as I laid there still in bed laughing hard. This was going to be kinky and I wish I was there.

“Oh well let's go to the park.” I said to no one in particular (that would be you). I got out of bed and looked at my clothes again, spotless. Out side it was a beautiful day that was going to become a nightmare.

“Will you play us some music?” a couple of ponies, Colgate, Derpy, etc, was at the park and were around me now. I thought for a second about what I could play. When I had it my pony band appeared and so did my electric guitar. Now when I play I forget about everything else that's happen and get lost in the music, the first two songs were not the problem. I played Dirty Little Secret and Not your Fault, it was the third song that screwed me over. I had a large crowd of ponies in front of me as I was rocking out and really couldn't pin point individuals. Then I started the song that ended my life. Not really but it led to horrible acts of what the fuck.

~oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh WOO!

She calls me on the phone

hoping that I'm home

and that I’m all alone

but when I say hello,

I only hear dial tone

she thinks that I'm her own

outside my window she crept

watching my every step

oh oh oh

she's following me

oh oh oh

she's out of her tree

oh oh oh

she's off of her rocker

I want to marry my stalker~

You know how some people, or ponies, think that when you say something, or sing, that it was meant for them. They get it in their head that you are talking about or to them when you're not. That one line, that repeats more in the song, suddenly set something off in Lyra's mind as she stood in the crowd. Me on the other hand, I didn't think a thing about it. It was just a song. The most wrong right song (or is it most right wrong song) to sing when you have a delusional pony stalking you, who already drugged you too. How was I going to get out of this one? I don't know because I wasn't thinking about it as I finished the song and the crowd stomped in applause. I put my guitar away and the band disappeared like before. The crowd started to disperse but some ponies came up to me still praising me, soon even they left. All but one. Lyra came up to me fast with a very excited look on her face. She stopped in front of me and I looked at her with her wide bright eyes.

“Yes.” it was all she said and then she ran off. I was confused at what she was talking about but then it hit me. It hit me like a sack full of ADHD children. I turned and ran the other way as fast as possible. Unfortunately for me some people, or ponies for this matter, can rationalize the unrationalable (you know what that word is even if it isn't a word. Stupid spell check). Believe what they are doing is perfectly fine. I just needed a place to hide. Forever. I ran back to town and into Travis, been a while since I’ve seen him. He was in Sugarcube corner eating ice cream.

“Hey bud, what's wrong?” I was breathing hard, fat people are not meant for running, and trying not to fall over. I looked out the window and saw her. I jumped past Travis who was sitting at the counter and I hide behind it. He looked at me confused and then at the door when it opened. I don't know how in the name of Celestia she didn't see Travis, but she didn't. She walked right back out and I waited for a little bit before coming out.

“What was that about?” I didn't answer him instead I left and hurried to the tree house. When I got in I locked the door and closed every window.

“I think I'm safe.” again to no one else as I spoke. I went to the couch and laid down, all this “excitement” was very tiring even though it was only noon. A nap would make everything better. I'm not sure how long I was asleep but something felt wrong. I woke up and rubbed my eyes. Looking around everything seemed normal.

“Something tells me I should... JUMP!” it wasn't really a jump, more like pitching forward as a net fell on the couch. I quickly got up and looked around. It was really dark. Earlier there was some candles but now they were all out. I could see about five feet around me but beyond that was dark. “Monster's hiding in the dark” dark. I didn't hear a thing either, not a single sound. I felt something behind me. Now every horror movie has taught me to just run but I slowly turned around. I nearly had a heart attack as Lyra came into view with a large smile, holing a hoof up with something on it.

“What are-” she suddenly blew what ever it was in my face and backed away into the shadows. I coughed and swatted away the powder as I looked for her. I knew my life was in danger but I felt really sleepy even though I had taken a nap. Maybe... I... could...

I could tell I was standing up but I don’t know how. I didn't feel foggy like before but I really hoped I wasn't being buried again.

Do you like chocolate?

The voice seemed distance but I answered it, out loud.

“Yes, I do.”

“I know pronounce you man and wife.” What?

“What?” I opened my eyes to see a Priest pony in front of me and... Lyra. She was wearing a white wedding gown and I was in a tux.

“You may now kiss the bride.” Lyra didn't give me a chance to react and attacked my lips with hers. Minty. She broke away with a huge smile and turned me. We stood in front of a crowd of ponies who I had no idea who any of them were. She dragged me along a red carpet covered in flower petals to a carriage as the ponies cheered. I was still in shock as she led my into the carriage and we took off.

“Where are we going?” I recovered just enough to talk. She turned to me with a devious smile and gleam in her eye.

“We're going on our honeymoon.”

“Oh fuck me.”

“We'll be doing that and more.” I hadn't realized I said that out loud. I was doomed.

Comments

[Tyren]

Wow, how does Twi feel about that.