It only gets weirder-er

by Aiet

Pre Pear Uranus

So now it was the day before I was to lead my troops to meet the small approaching army. At the moment I was polishing my Ramabanana while my soldier prepared their armor and weapons. It was peaceful as I rubbed all the way up then all the way down in smooth motions while watching manly things happening in front of me by manly, sweaty soldiers. Life was good.

“Sir, you're needed in the throne room.” a guard had come to inform me that I was summoned by a Princess but not what for. I stood up and motioned for Rathlos to come forth.

“Polish my Ramabanana until it... gleams.” I handed off my rod and made way for the throne room. And here I was expecting Luna to discuss about tomorrow but instead I get...

“A royal stuck bitch. What do you want?” the moment I walked in my mood went strait to fuck you. Celestia sat at the throne and we were all alone, I never gave her a chance to say a word.

“I have more important things to do then being in the same breathing air with a stick-up-the-ass twat.” I turned right back out the door living her with a shocked expression, this was most likely going to get me executed or something but no one ever made me instantly mad like she did. It felt like I drank the essence of a midget trying to reach the candy on the top shelf for the last hour with no one to help. I just walked off in a random direction to get away from her. Some how I ended up in front of a dearly departed.

“You will be miss Lord of that was all fucked up and awesome.” I placed my hand on the door that was once Discord's room. The piece that we did find of him were only enough to put in a small box and cremate it, the rest of him was soup. I slowly pulled my hand away and walked off from the living area of the greatest masterpiece ever. All this sadness and blow up gods was making me hungry (really I was just looking for an excuse to eat), so I headed off to the kitchen once again. Along the way I heard familiar voices in a room I passed so I went back to it quietly.

“Stop that tickles!”

“Nope.” it was Luna and Travis doing something that I'm sure I would record and place online. That lucky bastard got the one princess that wasn't a bitch and some one to be with (I bet your like “but Meason you've been with so many ponies already so what's wrong?). Well little side narrator voice this is the problem. I want someone, dear I say it, a special somepony. Even back home I was a man whore who craved to be with someone and it's the same here. It's the same everywhere.

I backed away from the door and wasn't hungry any more. I went back to the barracks and found my rod all nice and shinny. I turned to see my troops with everything ready for tomorrow and it was only noon.

“Ok men listen up!” they all went strait into a line and stood at attention. I walked in front of them and was quiet for a second.

“Tomorrow we, the best that Equestria has, will meet with those saddle backs. We are to slice, cut, and gut every last one of them. Some of you will die and that's a sacrifice I am willing to make.” I paused again for a moment.

“So for tonight... show of hands, who would like to watch a movie?” they looked at one another confused but then slowly hands, claws, and hoofs raised up.

“... and cuddle?” all but one hoof stayed in the air. I nodded and grinned, movie night was on. So skipping the movie about a stallion who thought he was a mare and engaging in many late nights with stallions that ended hilariously, the most manliest pillow fight that ended up in only one near death, and the massive sleep-spooning session we are going to the next day.

“Ass holes and elbows!” I yelled out to my still sleeping troops. They got up with groans and moans.

“I want you rump rangers ready by the time I got to the bathroom and drop a midget!”

“SIR YES SIR!” they all answered at once and I nodded satisfied. I left and made way to the throne room hoping Luna would be there. She was.

“Ah Meason, how did you sleep?” she asked as I approached.

“If there was a bowl of soup it would have been better.” I said with a bounce of my eye brows and the left one fell off and floated down to the ground.

“I wish you luck in your battle.” she spoke as I picked up my eye brow and licked it, sticking it in place. I guess she learned not to question what I said about my nights. I nodded and headed back to the barracks to find them suited up and ready.

“Assemble at the front gates!” I called out at they made way to their distention. Now I stood alone as I picked up my Ramabanana.

“And now you contemplate wither or not you will come back.” I voice said behind me as I stood there. I chuckled and didn't turn around.

“Our spy?”

“No, just a messenger. The real spy still lurks around. I came here to tell you that you won't be coming back if you lead your troops. Instead go back home. We can show you how.” go back home to earth? Screw that noise.

“I'll pass.” I walked off with that and can feel that they were gone. Moments later a stood in front of my troops. Raising my rod high I let out a shout.

“Forward march!” and with that we began our way to glory. Mean while in the throne room with a bitch, a two chin retard, and nighty night time.

“I hope they come back soon and victorious.” Luna spoke as she played with Travis's hair.

“He'll probably die.” Travis said and if I had been there Luna's hoof would 'accidentally' be down his throat. Then Celestia spoke up.

“Why does he yell at me?” she was really confused when she could her again and all she heard was me screaming at her. Then from there on all I did was yell at her some more when she was near.

“No idea.” they all sat there for a bit until royal duties needed to be attended to by Celestia. Luna and Travis left her be.

“Since we have nothing to do until Meason comes back, why don't we head up to my chambers?” Travis had a large grin on his face and they both hurried to her room. Then a little bit later Travis found him self with his arms tied to two poles and in his tighty whities.

“Umm Luna?” he called out from in his knees when suddenly a crop floating in the air slapped him on his ass. He let out a yelp and out step Luna in black leather and stockings.

“It's Nightmare Moan.” she went up to Travis and forced the ball gag on him.

“Remember the safe word rhymes with orange.” and suddenly I don't feel sorry for him. I wish I was there to see him groan behind the red ball in his mouth and Luna man handling him. How did she learn that you ask? I told her about it and said Travis would love that. She did it out of love. I did it out of friendship (snicker).

We soon were approaching the battle field and I could see the Saddle Arabia army closing in. Now Luna said small. This was more 300 and they were not the Spartans, I hated to see what there main army was like. Then we were staring each other down with only a hundred or so feet between us.

~Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,

Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,

Brighter than a lucky penny,

When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,

And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.~

You know how terrifying it is to see a large man with a huge rod skipping and singing about happiness and coming right at you ready to murder you? I would shit my pants. I lead the charge and my men soon after me. Then they charged to meet us and we soon clashed with ponies flying through the air with a flick of my wrist. They had ponies, dragons, minotaurs alike in their army but it didn't matter. I was sending them flying, smashing them into the ground, and swiping them away like nothing. I couldn't thing of anything else I'd rather be doing right now as I crushed them with mighty, earth shattering blows.

“Keep at it man, I want to bath in blood tonight.” I called out over the roar of the battle and the cries for mercy from the stallion under my foot. I ignored him and with a twist of my foot there was a loud snap and no more crying.

Now remember back when Luna told me about this battle and I felt like it was a trap? I have great instincts. Two large groups of unicorns flared with magic and two huge portals opened out of thin air. What came out was two very large and stout living rocks. Earth trolls (now to my knowledge they are not in the show but are in the comic and yes I have the comics because they are awesome /'3'\). Very tall, gray skin that makes them look like a rock, a jutting under jaw, and stupid looking expressions (like Travis).

We were winning but I didn't like this. Mostly because they were swinging their large arms around like clubs and attacking any one. I knew I had to take them out fast.

“Rathlos left, I'll get the right!” he spotted the large creatures lumbering towards us and took off after the left one while I went for mine. Sprinting with my rod trailing behind me I closed in on it and when I got close to it I jumped up while swinging the Ramabanana upward. It connected with it's jutting lower jaw with crack and it tumbled back wards landing on several ponies. With one down I turned to see Rathlos with a chain wrapped around the others neck and he was pushing with his legs until he was standing on it's back with both ends of the chain in his claws. I ran over as it fell to it's knees and knocked Rathlos off. The chain was still wrapped around it's neck and I picked up Rathlos with a grin. We both grabbed an end of the chain and pulled as the creature tried to go forward, helping us choke it. Soon it just fell over limp with one last growl. I was about to high five Rathlos when I was suddenly swatted away by a large chalk gray hand.

“General!” Rathlos yelled for me from the other side of the other troll, it got back up as we were taking out the other one. When I was hit my rod was knocked away and I was now being bored down upon by an angry brute. I looked past it and nodded at Rathlos who turned and yelled.

“FALL BACK!” the two armies started to separate with the Saddle Arabians down to roughly half it's original size and mine not by much. Soon they were off in the distance and I was surrounded with an angry troll trying to rip me apart. The only thing I could do was duck and dive out of it's grasp as the army stopped me from getting do my rod. Until it finally caught me and held me up to it's ugly, angry face and holding tightly making me squeak out the wrong end.

“Hey did you hear the one about the two alicorns and the earth pony?” it growled and slammed me into the ground. I guess it did and didn't like it.

“He's still alive, we'll take this one back.” I heard a voice talk but it was distant as I blacked out. As I was taken prisoner my army reached Canterlot where Luna waited by the gate with a sore Travis. They watched as they walked by towing the huge rod on a cart unable to carry it. Rathlos walked up to her with a sad shake of his head and she simply nodded. Travis looked at them confused them back at the Ramabanana as they carted it away.