It only gets weirder-er

by Aiet

In memory of our dearly beloved Ramabanana, forever in our heart.

So far, in this chaos, it's been a month of war. I didn't think I'd be slaughtering my enemies with a smile... I guess old habits die hard. Right now Travis, Shining Armor, and Applejack lead their troops to battle with a very large army of Saddle Arabia. Rainbow Dash lead an air assault on the king's castle until it was no longer standing, they now moved somewhere else. They suffered heave casualties but they seem to never end. And what was I doing you ask?

“Raise the flag!” I called out and soon a blue flag with a large white gold c was waving in the wind. I stood on the deck of my ship, the Semanizer, wearing black leather boots, purple pants, a white shirt, a black captain’s cloak, and a large feathery rainbow hat that would put a cursed pirate to shame. I was in all sense, majestic. Then my crew, dragons, ponies, and minotaurs, all wore short white and blue sailor outfits complete with the little hat. The ship broke across the waves of the calm, deep blue sea with the sun up low in the morning. A glorious day for meeting the end.

“Ready the port side cannons!” I ordered as I steered the ship so they would face the ten Saddle Arabian ships closing in on us. They were black with gray sails and seemed to hoover across the water. I was sent out to stop the sea invasion with only the Celestian flag ship with me. It was a large white gold colored ship that waved a golden sun on it's flag. Celestia her self was on the ship so she could watch the out come of this battle. As the ship lined up there was a silence.

“Orders Captain?” Rathlos, in his snug sailor's outfit, came to me waiting as the ten ships came closer. I looked at them with a smirk, it was time to send them to a deep watery hole (Travis: That's what she said!).

“Make it rain!” I called out to my men on the deck and they got into position. The cannons were pointed at the ships but then they were pulled back and pointed up. With a barrage of loud bangs they went off and cannon balls soared up into the air. Normally they would never hit but these were not normal cannon balls, they were Meason Ball's (extra salty). As they reached their peak in the air, they exploded into a deadly cloud of burning shrapnel that rained down on the ships like needles. Sails were set ablaze and the fire quickly spread to the rest of the ship, all but one ship was hit. Soon the burning ships started to sink as the crew jumped into the waters and left the last ship alone.

“Captain starboard side!” I was interrupted in my moment of victory as a ship prepared to board us. It came from nowhere it seemed but it didn't matter. From cannon fire or hull to hull I would sink anyone.

“Lower deck cannons fire, the rest of you dogs kill 'em all or I'll be guttin' you!” as I issued my order boards were dropped from the other ship onto mine and soldiers started running across. My men drew their weapons as I stood there not moving. The two side clashed in battle cries and cannon fire as a dragon soldier ran at me. As he brought his cutlass down I side stepped and spun the wheel, causing it to hit him repeatedly in the jaw. That caused my ship to tilt more into the other and the main sails of both ships to lock together. As we battled it out the other ship started taking shots at us.

“I'm surrounded, you poor bastards.” I said as a large group of soldiers circled me. I pulled out my Ramabanana (from where is a secret) and spun with it out stretched, knocking them off in all directions. For ten minutes we fought while the lone ship still fired at us but then there was a loud groaning noise.

“Captain their sinking, we'll be taken right down with them!” after punting a minotaur off the side I looked over to see their ship going down and then I looked up to see us still locked together. If I didn't figure out something fast we'd sink with them. I sighed as I brought my rod to my face, it was the only way.

“I'll miss you my sweet.” I gave it a soft kiss before arching back and aiming right at their mast, flinging it with lightning speed (because I can). It punched through their mast and separated us, slowly they sunk alone as my Ramabanana soared in the air and disappeared into the distance. It was the last time I saw that beautiful hunk of anal pulverization. As we finished off the last of the soldiers I noticed we weren't being fired at any more. The ship sunk, the last soldier was killed, and the other ship seemed to be fleeing. All in a days work. My crew started cheering and I smirked.

“No one can stand up against the might of the Semanizer, right boys?” I yelled out and was answered by more cheering. I noticed the lone ship still out there so I pulled out a spy glass from my coat pocket and looked at it bouncing on the waves. It seemed badly damaged and looked like it was covered in barnacles and seaweed. I looked on the deck to see what I believed was the captain.

“Ha, that pony has a squid on his face.” …... oh fuck. I quickly looked over the side once again to see something large squirming in the water. I knew we were in trouble.

“To the life boats, abandon ship! Back to the Celestian flag ship!” I shouted and the crew looked at me confused. Rathlos came up to me quickly.

“Captain, what's-” he was cut off as a large torrent of water exploded out the sea and shot into the air. As the water fell away it reviled a massive tentacle (and not the Japanese kind). I kicked away Rathlos as it came crashing down and then several more erupting out the water soon after.

“Abandon ship, that's an order!” now my crew moved as tentacles waved around and snaked around the ship. Pegasus and dragons with wings took off into the air, the rest loaded into the life boats and the unicorns used their magic to speed the boats away.

“Last boat Captain!” Rathlos called out as the last of my crew loaded onto it. I started to run for it but then a tentacle smashed down in front of me, blocking my way. I looked past it and at Rathlos.

“AN ORDER!” the last thing I saw of them was Rathlos shouting and the boat dropping out of sight. More tentacles wrapped around the ship and loud groans sounded in the air. I turned around and tried to make for the other side of the ship when another tentacle dropped down.

“Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger!” I was trapped and a loud snap rang into the air as the ship started to pull apart into two halves. I sighed and watched as the side of the ship I wasn't on get pulled under. The tentacle blocking me slipped away back into the water and I made my way to the end of the ship as it started to tilt up.

“Gentleman, it's been an honor.” I pulled out a violin as my band stood with me with more violins and a cello. We played slow as the ship tilted more and was pulled into the sea. Celestia watched in horror as I went down with tentacles slamming into the water. There was a few moments of silence as all my crew made it to her ship. Now the beast set it's slimy appendages on her. She watched as the water frothed with the coming of the monster and waited for the incoming doom. Then suddenly the Kraken stopped and started to surface. It floated there not moving with it's tentacles waving in the air.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” everyone looked around confused as a booming voice spoke.

“IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST EQUESTRIAN MONSTER BASH! THE TERROR OF THE SEA IN ALL IT'S SLIMY GROPINGNESS... THE KRAKEN! NOW HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE FOR THE YELLOW MAN'S TERROR. THE SQUINTY EYED MAN'S DESTROYER. THE ORGINAL, NOT THE RETARDED T-REX NEW YORK VERSION... GODZILLA!!!” from in front of Celestia's ship the water boiled and slowly rose with theme music. On top of Godzilla's head me and my band played it's theme music and stopped to jump down onto the ship but the song still playing. Celestia stared at me in shock as I turned to Godzilla.

“Godzilla used hyper beam!” I turned and pointed dramatically at the Kraken out in the sea. Then letting out a mighty roar, Godzilla opened it's mouth as a blue glow built up. It then shot out and sped into the water with a thunderous clap, pulling down the slimy beast under the water. Suddenly a large torrent of bloody water shot up in a spout and bits and pieces showered down.

“It was super effective!” Godzilla turned and looked down at the ship with it's menacing panther face and caused some of the crew to get scared. I raised a hand and saluted as Godzilla dropped back down into the sea. Next thing I know Celestia tackled me with a hug to the deck.

“You scared the fuck out of me!... You better put it back in then.” she gave me a devilish smile. Who knew that I was such a good lover (I did)?

“Back home boys.” I called out before being stripped. As we sailed back home the crew was treated to Sunny getting the D (also the only D 12 year old's should be getting). The return trip home was longer then it should be but it's hard to work with massive tenting.

“I'm glad you two are getting along so well now.” Luna said as we sat at a massive table in the court yard with other tables filled with ponies. We returned home to a feast befitting a brown god such as my self. The mane six, both princesses, Shinning Armor, Travis, and me all sat together for the feast.

“Oh we've done more then just get along. Just the other day in the shower-”

“Now before ah loss my appetite. What's the plan now?” Travis cut me off before I could continue the wet shower scene.

“First we're gona do some more 'hiya's' and then some 'kayaa's' and finish with some 'boya's'!” that was Pinkie Pie talking. Since her, Rarity, and Fluttershy were not generals they did other stuff. Pinkie Pie the strategist, Rarity and Fluttershy medics. Twilight still did some spy stuff.

“Sounds like a solid plan, let's eat!” I said slamming down my fist on the table and food was brought out by servants. They filled up the table with mouth watering morsels and I dug in. I grabbed a bowl of chunky soup and took a bite. When I swallowed I felt strange and not like a normally do. My throat felt like I was eating cough drops and I became itchy all over. Everyone became worried when I suddenly stood up and started twitching wildly.

“Is it poisoned?!” Rarity said in panic as I then started to scratch all over. Travis looked at my bowl and pulled it to him to taste it.

“Squid? Oh he's fine.” they looked at him and then at me as I started rubbing against a pillar to relieve the itch.

“The only thing it does is make him itchy and then give... him... lot's of energy.” he slowly looked up at me with horror as a weird noise started emitting from my body. I started flickering with crashing computer sounds. Then I derezzed from existence.

The fabric of space-time and of reality right before my eyes and yet I could not grasp it as I was bounced off the portals of other dimensions. In the span of a second and a million years I traveled what was eons. Everything also smelt like snozzberries.

Suddenly I flashed back into darkness. Darkness was soft yet firm, warm, and had a heart beat. I slowly looked up to the face of a wolf. With a step back my mouth dropped, I must be in hell cause this was yiff. I rematerialized face first into a massive pair of tits of a she wolf furry. Then there was more of them, more furries of different species with perfect asses and breast. All with no clothes. Slowly they approached me and inspecting me with their hands with 'oh's' and 'aw's'. They ran their hands along me and the wolf in front of me grabbed my hands. She guided them up and strait for the round melons on her chest. I'm an ass and tit man but ponies don't have tits really, so this was amazing. Suddenly I started flickering again and before my fingers could brush the luscious mounds I disappeared. Next thing I knew I was standing on top of the table with everyone looking at me.

“Uh hey Meason.” Travis said as I stared in front of me with my hands still in position.

“But I didn't...” I squeezed at the spot where they once bounced and unaware of everything else.

“I wonder what happened?” Rainbow Dash said as she flicked some peas at me and I stood there unresponsive. Glorious groping what what was going to happen but alas the cosmos was an ass hole.