Princess Luna is slipping back into her Pre-banishment ways due to boredom, when she suddenly stumbles on an idea that will change her life forever.
I don't know where this story will take me. It is only my first fic, so if anyone would like to comment on the writing style, or indeed things you want to happen, please go ahead. Anything you guys can add to this will be appreciated.
I do reserve the right not to use bad ideas. This is not a clopfic, but I do intend for there to be drunken partying somewhere down the road. There will be ramifications.
Chapters (23)
It's lovely so far.
I actually enjoyed this and would highly recommend to continue writing. The idea of Luna having fun with Vinyl is not a bad idea :3 I will surely keep looking for this story.
Awesome fic! ^-^
I'd like to see where this goes actually, it's way better than the one I got now. LoL heh
Keep up the good work, best of luck!
Thanks everyone. Next chapter will likely be up tomorrow or Sunday.
Anything that you want in the story (within reason) post in the comments. I will try to incorporate as many as possible.
Well written; good story pace. I like it. Keep up the good work.
I did quite enjoy this, and can't wait to see what Luna has planned, well written too, excellent pacing.
It may be escalating quickly, but I am loving this so far- keep those chapters coming!
Hmmm, I do find the lack of detail and the rush a little uncomforting but other than that it was a very good read, keep it up!
2759447 Thanks, I will try to slow down a bit. I just write when I'm bored and this is the first time I am actually trying to stick with something. All these positive comments are really helping me to stay motivated.
2759638
Well you do deserve them, you have some talent.
Anyone who wants to view the thoughts of the mind behind this story, check out my new blog. It updates when I think too much about something. Or something comes up.
Either way, it should prove to be interesting.
Any thoughts pertaining to what comes up in my blog, just stick in the comment section. I check all my notifications every time I'm online. I will see them.
Ahh.. better, still gave a brisk rushed feeling without causing me to get a little disoriented and confused, excellent writing I am quite enjoying the story!
Taking two days to celebrate end of school. Possible updates. After which, updates will be definite.
Now time to give some spoilers for the future drunken escapades. They will include:
An attempt to recreate the theme from the 1812 overture, With REAL CANNONS
Luna building a portal gun.
Fun with Luna's magic
Lyra will be back. To watch yet more ponies turn human.
Berry Punch. Nuff said
Discord will pop in.
Drunken Celestia (Happy drunk)
Karaoke night
Movie night at the palace.
Earthquake causing music
Whatever else I can come up with.
Can't really type right now. Been playing "osu!" and now everything has shrinking approach circles around them.
It is really trippy.
Well, still well written, and while Vinyl being drunk is a good excuse for her behavior... I can't seem to find something in Octavia's fanon personality of being so reserved and formal to stoop as to record her friend being stupid, if say, Vinyl had told her to and after much argument she did, I wouldn't find it so weird... but to me this is completely out of character for Octavia. Other than that, still very well written! And I am enjoying the story.
umm... what... I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I READ!? Now based on the time stamps this is about 10 minutes after my reading of chapter 4 and the sudden change from suggestive look to freaking breaking the fuck down! Now that, that was confusing, and through the next paragraph or so you can get the gist, but then the sudden change to sex, (by the way some of the jokes were funny) it just was rather confusing and felt rushed... While the transitions weren't the best in this particular chapter, it do say that it is rather well written with excellent imagery in order to get the reader to understand the point without spelling it out for them, so all in all still pretty good, but once again, try to keep it a little smoother, set the mood for a particular section that is at least similar to the one you set at the beginning of the chapter, ie. don't go from sexual remorse to watching a porn in the same chapter, it just doesn't work. Another thing to keep in mind however is that the pace is quick feeling, not disorienting like it was in the earlier chapters but a nice excited in a hurry type feel, but if you could keep that feeling without changing the tone of the chapter so quickly and harshly it'll read a whole lot better, of course assuming that you want a brisk feeling.
2784237
The reason that Midnight could switch so easily is that he's young and Luna's magic managed to cure his trauma. I don't know where I'm going to go from any given paragraph to the next. I just let it take me where it is going to go. I'm glad you're enjoying it though. Being fun to writ and fun to read is the priority of a fic.
Regarding Octavia, I never read the fanon and, while she is more down to Earth than Vinyl, she does like to have some fun. She was the only person who I could give an excuse to go and get the camera. Vinyl was too hungover and Luna and Midnight didn't know about the fetish.
But anyway, thank you again for the comments, it gives me an opportunity to check and see if everyone is on the same page here. If I ever lose people in my story, I want people to tell me. Getting lost isn't fun and that is the driving force behind me right now.
2784533 I see your point on Octavia, I also didn't know you were unfamiliar with her particular Fanon, sorry about that. Great story, can't wait for more!
2788263
No problem, I didn't expect you to know everything about what I've looked at. Truly, I am just glad you are enjoying the story
*Suddenly, an orange pony with a crowbar appears in front of you*
Me: This isn't where I was! What the hell? Where's Kirk and the rest of the away team?!?!?!
Pinkie: YOU! Why does everyone in the story have to break the fourth wall!
Me: Wait, what? I was in a story?
Pinkie: Yup. You're a fictional character that jumped from your story to an alternate story for that other guy with the fourth-wall breaking AI.
Me: WHAT?!?!
You: What AI?
Pinkie: Just take these amnesiacs and you'll be fine! *shoves pills down both our throats and drags me back to WU. ST. WD? RORF.
Dear, dear Octavia sweet of him, she thought
Just thought I would point that out... I don't meant to criticize, but it did bring me out of that story a bit... Sorry.
As to the actual content, Whoa... you sir are full of surprises, an excellent plot twist, delivered quite elegantly, in character with the the ponies involved, also there is a nice bit of leaving it up to the reader to decide what exactly is going on between Vinyl and Luna, very nice read as well. I quite enjoyed it.
To whoever clicked the dislike button, If you ever return, at least tell me why you disliked it. I need the feedback.
2798864
Don't you hate that!
Anyway, good chapter, and thanks for the chart of the diamond, got a little confused... but alas Luna/Scratch has my hopes! So can't wait to keep reading, good job and keep it up!
Dawww! I haven't left, just had real life stuff preventing me from reading!
Anyway, as to suggestions for the Risk board, Camchaka (Camels), Neighpon (Japan, Japanese for Japan is Nippon), thats all I got of the top of my head, I'll comment later when I feel like pulling out my risk board and making equestrian jokes from them.
Now for the actual thoughts on the chapter:
After a really heavy romantic as well as threatening and all around emotional chapter, I quite enjoyed the light heartedness of both the disguise as well as the board games, it allows for me at least to breath and think about what has recently happened from the previous chapter while learning how each character is dealing with each situation, very nice placement of a slower lighter chapter. Continue writing!
2809401
thanks, those hadn't occurred to me, especially the bilingual Neighpon. It is better to make them more obvious so Cameltchatka. Maybe Yakutsk emphasis on yak. Horsetralia.
But, yeah. I have missed your comments. It is nice to see you online again.
"Wondering when he managed to dot that", Dot should be do I believe. Just something I noticed while reading more nectar of literary goodness. Very good job and oh dear a pissed off Luna isn't a Luna anyone wants around, she can walk in you DREAMS! Very well done, quite enjoying this story can't wait to read the next chapter, which I may do tomorrow, been feeling rather lethargic today. Good job, keep it up!
2839271
Thanks. I found and changed it. Usually I manage to catch those as I go.
It happens when I type too fast and hit the space bar late. I end up starting the next word at the end of the last word, then correcting the next word, but not the last one
2839410
I've done it too, it happens to all of us.
Dude, great work as always. Honestly one of the funniest things I've read on here. Now, in terms of improvement, the only thing I can say is, less randomness. The story jumps from topic to topic in the blink of an eye, gets kinda hard to follow. Maybe, if ya don't want to change the jumpiness, I'd say have smoother transitions. And as for the countries, I'm pretty sure that equestria is supposed to be America, what with the trains to manehatten and fillydelphia.
2844826
I would have made America Equestria but America is a democracy while Equestria is pretty clearly a weird kind of monarchy. It makes more sense that they just travel there from Canterlot (Camelot) on a sort of "pangea" like continent. America is going to stubbornly stay a democracy forever and as such would never be ruled by multiple autocratic princesses. England and certain other European countries either only released monarchies recently or still have them (whether in decline or not).
As for the randomness, I try to keep perspective shifts happening in times with an easy transition that won't lose people too much. Trust me. I am a very random person. My problem is that I am trying to work with multiple main characters. If I use only one primary character then the transitions would loosen up because it would focus on the characters subjective actions and thoughts or objective things happening while he is asleep or unconscious. It makes it easier, but I would lose all romance in the story. It is very difficult to write a romantic scene from one perspective while maintaining the atmosphere.
Thank you for commenting btw. I have been encouraging it but not many people are.
Well that flowed nicely! You are getting better at that! Keep it up! Didn't really notice any flaws, however there seems to be little reason for the sudden switch, I am sure it'll be explained soon, however as of now the moment could have been built upon more, make it more of a big moment.
... wha... um.... glad... you... had.. fun... either I read that wrong or someone got betrayed by their friends...
2849118
Truth be told, I was just venting there. I have oral surgery coming up tomorrow and I'm nervous about it. I also needed to clean out my brain and this seemed like a good way to do it.
The random transitions are possibly because of that. After tomorrow, It is likely that I will be updating fairly frequently because I won't be able to talk and theoretically shouldn't really be moving. I get to come home though. I probably won't be eating right for a week and I will have to squirt salt water into the places where they stitch my mouth up. Sounds painful to me. I will keep you updated as to that.
Actually, I started writing a new chapter ten minutes ago and it was almost worse than what you recently read, random transition wise. I probably shouldn't update until I have actually gone through the surgery.
And now, I'm venting again... yea i'm just gonna shut up now...
That was, um, interesting. Good luck with the surgery
2849565
No no no, you're fine, good luck bro, I'll try to ease the pain by letting you know, the taste is worse than the pain.
Also, I'll see if I can't do something for you, a give or somthing I don't know, I'll figure it out, good luck bro, it'll be fine!
2852413
Well, thanks. I am happy to have such a friendly following. Also, I won't be posting another chapter until after the surgery. I started writing and the first transition was just plain terrible. From solving a problem to playing monopoly in two minutes. Worst thing I have written, not including that 11th chapter of course. I will let you know if my writing works any better after the surgery.
2852679
Don't worry about it! I'll still follow the story no matter how long it takes to update! Just do it when I comes, I actually had to write an entire different fanfiction (unposted) to fight writer's block on my main one... still haven't overcome it though. Anyway, good luck and don't worry about update schedules!
Drugzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm on 3 different painkillers right now
You said you have a blog? How can I find it?
2857609
Click my name almost anywhere and it will take you to my page
Then simply click the blog button is the tab bar next to my online status.
"foetal" first line, fetal?
Very good chapter, and depending on how much rent Midnight has to pay Vinyl or vise versa, Midnight could up with more than he bargained for, of course he is about as romantically inclined as I am so, I am pretty sure things will go over his head... a lot. Can't wait for more.
Glad the surgery went well, and you have GOT to love painkillers, while I have never had oral surgery, spearing you tooth through you lip while ice skating does have its similarities... I think? Anyway, get well soon!
2859940
I'm pretty sure its foetal. One sec... yep google supports me. But thanks. I really did go heck there. My family used to play word games with a dictionary. A sentence that we came up with was: You were castigated for masticating while attempting to defenestrate the somnambulous prestidigitator. It means you were told off for eating while trying to throw the sleep walking [sleight of hand magician] out of the window.
Also I am from Manchester. And before anyone asks, yes I do support Manchester United.
2860116
Didn't know you were british! Which part?
>>Ranak
He was born in Manchester, to a fully British household.
Also this chapter was particularly amusing and I think that the game might end up a drunken fiasco and that in the end they will have massive hangovers for until Luna sorts them all out.
Despite some choppy sentences here and there it read rather nicely, the transfer from light to dark didn't feel forces, and although some say this is a bad thing, I saw something along the lines of too much to drink from the end of the last chapter, I like the feeling of knowing without being directly told, what is coming next, gives a satisfaction, to me at least, quite well done hope the pills are treating you well!
I have quite enjoyed the story you have written, and I can't wait to see what else you bring forth, as such I will be following you!
Can't wait, get well soon!
...
So funny! Can't wait for more! Poor poor Midnight, I am kinda interested in what Luna will be doing during the uh... feeding, of Octavia. My interest has been peeked. Can't believe I said that...
I am rather enjoying the burgeoning relationship/friendship between Octavia and Luna.
For a second there I was confused, till I remembered most people don't use Fahrenheit. But yeah, great as always. Im really looking forward to the next chapters, can't wait to see how Octavia and Luna's relationship with each other grows. Just one question, what ever happened to the, for lack of a better term, "chessboard" Luna had earlier on, the one she was using to plot how to win midnight?
2885845
Its still there. Right now, Luna's ignoring it because as long as she is sharing Midnight, all of the moves are irrelevant to her. At the end of the threesome ark, it will be pretty much even game.
Character development! So glad you put the end of the clop chapter in the AN, didn't actually read that chapter. Eh, still might haven't decided yet or not, I would assume you are in Britain based on your excellent use of English, it could be Canada as well. Eh, whatever. I love character development especially about a pony's past, I absolutely love it! It was well written as well, I can't wait to read more!