Undergoing rewrite number two. This time instead of a cleanup I will rewrite the entire story from scratch.
To check rewrite progress, go here: Bone and Steel Rewrite
When Twilight woke up one fateful day, she found herself to be changing. Changing into a mare of metal and flesh, a mare that has two personalities, and a mare that has no idea how to fix what has been done.
PROOFREADER: BlueBlitz15
INSPIRED BY THIS IMAGE: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/11/drawfriend-stuff-234_03.html (a.k.a. the image of this story)
Chapters (4)
Interesting... Very Interesting. Continue please.
2718131
Getting there with the last chapter of Part 1. Then you'll have to wait even longer for Part 2, because I want to completely finish Part 2 before publishing it.
2718148
Hmm. Maybe I should learn how to do that with my fics
2718169
Wow...
TNAB told me he'd like to collab with me and said he'd probably enjoy this...
Am I dreaming? Or am I dead or something?
Also, what chapters were those mistakes on?
2718179 The chapter I commented on, #2
2718173
Maybe. I just decided to do it this way because if the first chapter was iffy, there's better stuff to follow it up.
2718183
Fixed it. Thanks.
Whoa...random Steampunk, dood? I'll keep this around, dood.
2718202
Spell stuff correctly, dude.
It will make you look more educated.
2718209 That's rather rude, dood, even after I thought this was a cool idea and well written.
That just tells me you never played Disgaea, dood. But whatever, you are entitled to your opinions and I'm entitled to say 'dood' in all my lines.
(You'd be amazed by how many times people thought I was misspelling dude, when I'm typing it my way on purpose, dood
)
2718209
#nohopeforthehumanrace
I would be happy to help. This idea is awesome.
2718488
PM me. I'll talk to you about it there.
Please make your chapters longer, if you can. I am thoroughly enjoying this story so far. Keep up the good work.
2719078
I am making chapters as long as they are. They will be determined by the amount of content that needs to go in. So, no I cannot make my chapters longer, per say, but I can make them contain more content to expand the length.
I say make it a bit complex. Who, what, and why is an issue now. Story's not bad.
But what if she wasn't the only one?
This is getting very interesting very quickly, although I think you could have done more with the wings and learning to fly. It's a lot more than flapping and holding them in the right position to glide. Something Rainbow would love to coach possibly badly. Not to mention possible lighter flickerings of dark Twilight beforehand, like maybe watching a hawk snatch up a bunny and enjoying it, wondering why, only to dismiss it later.
2719090 Hmm... fair enough. I'm still thoroughly enjoying this story though, even if it's a bit short for my taste (I apologize if I sound a bit rude. It's kind of a habit.
).
2719112
I may do something with that. About the wings: I am not sure how wings made of metal would work, but I'd assume it would allow you to fly easier than normal ones made of feathers if they can allow you to fly even though they way a lot.
The early part of this chapter felt rushed. So much time passed in only a few paragraphs.
2719133
It was because I wasn't sure I wanted to do her telling all of her friends about her flying because I'd just be placing redundant statements from the mane 6 on the readers. If you want to help me add a few different things to it, just PM me.
2719122
I would imagine there would be weight problems, so you would have to get a body that isn't very used to exercise to get used to a large, shifting weight on her back. As for movement, look at bird wing anatomy. I think the feathers would be able to move individually, too. Since, the movements of the stroke originate from the chest, she may have metal things on her chest, too. Imagine large cords across the front of the ribs. They are made of segments that move closer and further from each other to replicate the expanding and contracting of the muscles that would normally do that job. Birds have rotating 'wrists' controlling the primary feathers. Just use a ball and socket thingy from those bionicle toys I loved as a kid here. Their elbows work similarly to our own, so figure out something there. Look at steampunk stuffs too.
2719178
It is fanfiction. It does not have to be scientifically correct.
But to help you out, there is a good reason why. You'll have to wait until I finish Part 2. If that is the part where I get to it. In some chapter it will be explained.
Looks interesting, I'll check it out later.
Also, congratulations on being featured!
2719111
No! Nopony else becomes steampunk but Twilight. The reason is approaching with part 2.
It has my interest. Favorite until further notice.
(Also, why do you say you are already making a sequel when you haven't even finished the first story yet?)
I just wanna say one, awesome so far, two, thanks for the crediting. It was no biggie. :)
2719476
Sequel? Where?
Jk. It means part 2 of the story. Its still in the same place.
I for one welcome our new steampunk robot twilight overlord.
Interesting.
Insta-fav.
*Words of great value*
MOAR
PONIES
MUFFINZ
What do think I was doing
1. What do you think I was doing.
Not read it yet, but I will do. That's a nice song :3
2720575
If it doesn't need a tag great.
But it if dose, use said.
Asked, answered, added, and replied are fine if too. Anything past that should be use sparingly; much like adjectives.
Don't you think everyone is taking all this in a little too much stride? If I found out that I was turning into a robot I'd go ape-shit.
Also the pacing is ridiculous. The story moves so fast that I barely know what's happening before the next scene is introduced; It makes the story clunky and disjunctive. A good lead up and believable character reactions would make this story much better.
All that being said your Grammar and syntax are really good. All of the technical skills are there, you just need to work on story elements like pacing.
2720874
But I don't believe Twilight would go ape-shit over it. It just doesn't feel... right. Maybe the other mane 6, but I didn't really think of that at the time.
2720886 This is the girl who spent a week without sleep trying to monitor EVERYTHING in Equestria, Who brainwashed an entire town because of late homework, and who mutilated herself in her quest to figure out how her friend defied physics...
That being said, It is quite possible for her to take it all in stride. Her friends however, seem to not care that their friend is turning into a robot with no rhyme or reason. There have been no letters to princess Celestia. Even the doctor thought that instead of quarantining the victim of an unknown, potentially contagious, flesh eating, parasite and calling every magical and medical expert he knew; he would do better to spend an hour making twilight blink...
2720936
She did jump thirty feet. I think that and having a righteye that zooms in qualifies to see a doctor.
2720898
About the letters to Celestia, a good reason is behind it. Read chapter five!
steam punk alicorn of doom???
2720952
Basically.
2720953 Yays for me
Chapters are too short while simultaneously too much goes on in them. Premise is... odd. Don't let getting featured go to your head there have been a lot of great stories I've read here that never went through the feature box, and a LOT of really really bad ones that have.
2720950
Have you ever watched the show?
Just curious, 'cause I don't think you really know how each character acts.
I left a comment for you back in chapter 2.
You might not want to use White text on a white background in order to display twilights "darker" side. Its kinda hard to read, try using a different color or something.
2721080
Thanks. Those are the kinds of comments I like to see. I'll go into it later.
2721084
I wasn't going to let getting featured go to my head. In fact, next to nothing ever
goes to my head. It's just that I never expected to EVER get featured.
2721086
I've seen every episode multiple times. I understand how they act, but sometimes I find myself wondering if an example of perfect spot-on personality would be necessary. So, I stray because I think sticking to a character personality without your own additions us boring because we all know what they are going to do.
But, for improvement's sake, tell me where the character issues are if it's not the whole thing.
2721080
Could you maybe be an editor for this? I'll give you a virtual cookie!
remind me again why this has a comedy tag...
I know who the villian is but I won't ever tell!
Also can't wait for more!
?
Also: Challenging the Sun are we
2721228
The flight chapter. And because the first part was a lot less of a dark matter than this will become and contain a lot of different things that I found to be humorous.
And believe me, that dark tag is about to be in full use. I am amazing at writing dark content.