Celestia was away for a few years and came back to a world in ruins. Death, destruction, chaos, the endless fighting—it was like Harmony had never existed. Things were worse than ever. So I stopped it. And I did it my way this time. No more negotiating. No more promises. No more second chances. And I did it alone. Because I had to.
And it worked.
Thanks to Foxinshadow for the title image, had to crop it to fit the site's 1mb max file size so check out the whole image here: What the future has brought
Chapters (5)
This has promise lets see where it goes.
This sounds good. Watching.
Hallowed Be Thy Name - Iron Maiden
1554324Oh sorry my apologies
1554155
whut?
Tank song though
I was initially afraid that this was going to be a Tyrant Twilight rise to power by killing Celestia / Luna story.
now i really am interested
Good Job
Ooh. Nice.
I love that you've done this from the POV of your OC. It's intriguing.
I have to say, other than a few typos , this chapter was so well-written. Definitely watching this
(scanning, scanning, scanning. Look, I can point the typos out now)
Unnecessary capitalisation
Missing 't' in the first part
Comma after students
Full stop. Because I assume that's where she took a breath
Yeah, so: cool. Onwards I go, because there's another chapter :)
Hah! This made me laugh. Great job!
More typos though. If you wanted a proofreader before you post chapters, I could do it.
Anyway, here's my list:
Struggled or struggling depending on which tense you're planning to use
Question mark
I'm and to Philomena
friends' and a full stop before 'the girls', rather than a comma
No capital for scroll
Full stop before Rainbow.
There's a few bits of missing punctuation in the letter, but I thought I would just point out this bit. There should be a comma both before and after Twilight. And there's a spelling error at the end there. Should be break.
And the first paragraph could conceivably be broken up into three. It doesn't have to, I just think it would be a better break-up of ideas if it was.
I can't figure out if the funniest bit of this chapter was the abruptness of Celestia's decision to leave, or the postscript at the end of the letter.
1554801I do have an editor, but it appears that he didn't get everything
Oh boy, this gunna be goooooooooooooood~
When Celestia said she goes to a vacation of twenty years due having a whole differnet view of time than mortal living ponies i was like "this author did it right!".
Oh boy, Twi as one of Luna´s advisors who will have a really hard time with all the bossy and stubborn noble houses in her court (9 hours, jesus!!!) as well as trying to asjust to the needs of modern living ponies and all that.
Hope we get to see not only how Twi will cope with the new situation of having Celestia gone for ten-twenty years but also her friends and how they help Twi. We already heard of the farmer movement and such, can´t wait how this fic will explore this oppurtunity of ten-twenty Celestia free years and how it changes everypony, the Mane6 and also Luna!
Though Foals... given that Twi´s a princess now i kinda doubt Celestia saw any cute, little, adorable Twi babies when she came back. If she came back that is. <.<
1556906Well 'accidents' can occur in the most unfortunate places
Ahhhh, yes, good to see this up.
I'll keep a track on it for good measures.
1558322Thank you my friend
AWSUM!!! Ask me at school if you have any problems. Good work on getting the story going tho.
Oh good lord
Well you got an extra fav from me and have some moustache ón the way
Okay, here we go. Two chapters atm, two posts to report back.
First off, I'd like to say that just by reading the description I'm already hooked. I personally love these kinds of stories and I have high hopes!
Okay, reviewing time:
Color code in quotes (I'm only going to say this once, refer back here if necessary):
- Red = Fix
- Blue = Comment
- Purple = Highlight
The story itself:
- I'm going to take the first paragraph and point out things first.
- After a good look I decided that I should separately mention about the capitalization. Whilst some people don't capitalize enough, you capitalize too much. But it's better that way. Try to drop the unnecessary capitals out. Words like favorite, cool, white, you, we, era, diarchy etc. are non-capitalized unless they start a sentence. If you feel the need of a quick recap, see this page.
- I would like to bring up the punctuation here. Take a look at
Conclusion:
Looking good! I found mistakes, but they were small enough for you to be safe. After all, everyone has something new to learn. A human being is designed not to be perfect.
Queen Sparkle. I like the sound of that...
The chapter:
- This is not an error of yours, but rather a note of mine. I got distracted by the word "veto". It is exactly the same as the Finnish word that means "pull" or "bet". Credits to you for using it, I have never seen it anywhere other than Finnish texts.
- Now I have to mention about the comma use again, differently this time, though. Now you use it a bit too much.
- Same here
- Note.
- Another.
- Yet another.
- I'll just keep on doing these whole paragraphs.
Conclusion:
Well, a bit more mistakes here. Make sure to proofread the chapter by yourself, too. Read it right after you have finished to take down the clear ones, sleep over the night and read it again the next day. That way you can avoid most of the nasty mistakes.
Your spelling has been good, save for the favourite and brakes. Your English is good!
I'm enjoying this story and wish to see more! If you need any further help, feel free to contact me and I'll see if I'm free.
1554524 what you did there......I see it
1554523troll.me/images/creepy-willy-wonka/please-tell-me-more.jpg
166855(S)He was saying that I shouldn't use that image because another fic that is quite successful uses it.
As you can see I apologised, but am still using till I find a better picture
well hell my old school was named after the queen of england and never once came too my history class.
Oh dear. And here comes the proverbial manure.
Missing a few commas but I love the little throwaway lines, like the part about the notes.
I like it, but please, break up the wall of text.
2108332 just did, also WOW you commented fast
Seconded, you'd do well to turn chapter two into three ish chapters if it's 10k words. Probably more. Your page break where twilight writes a letter to celesita would make a decent chapter transition point.
woot i was worried that you stopped writing this story
I like how Twilight was not a recluse because she had to but because she Chose to.
I wonder ... Is Blueblood as much of an ass as he was at the Gala?
2108845you'll see
Poor Rarity only knows the fairy-tale of being a noble. She doesn't know the real world of politics, back-stabbing and snobbery (although I bet she knows the official etiquette and protocols off by heart). She'd make a good personal assistant/adviser but she needs to realise that, short of a good marriage, she'll never be more than an excellent dressmaker without whose wares no Lady of substance would be seen in court. However, she would only ever be a dressmaker - an artisan and a tradespony - not a noble.
So... Twilight's role is to be Grand Vizier to Luna (the closest US equivalent would by the President's Chief of Staff)? The political power behind the throne? That would be as far out of the established character as you could get. The challenge of writing this story would be to write Twilight in this role without going out-of-character (or at least not inexplicably so - she will have to play a public role and that would be odd to the unknowing eye).
Now... How to get her friends in...? They will need suitable roles in Twilight's 'household'. Maybe these:
Rarity - Personal Assistant/Dresser
Pinkie Pie - Chef/Hoofservant
Applejack and Rainbow Dash - Bodyguards
Rainbow Dash - Messenger/courier
Fluttershy - Personal healthcare assistant
2111196 You'll see...
However I must please ask you to proceed this way proceed this way the Princess is expecting you in the Gold Hall.”
Think you made a little error there
Any way nice chapter glad to see it updating I had to re-read the whole thing again 
2115854
Whoops
“Inventory quick select.”
Are the customs of the nobility based off of any particular culture?
Oh the formatting errors How the burn, I think you should try and read this, it's not nice. Oh I also found some spelling errors...
“Yeah sorry bought bailing on ya Twi.”. Bought is the past tense of buy, I believe you meant about and of you want to shorten it down to fit AJ accent you will want to throw an apostrophe at the front of it, like so..'bout
Pinkie gave a big smile, obvious to the fact she had just told Twilight. I belive you ment oblivious.
Rarity gave Blueblood a flat look that made the hairs on the back of his neck to rise. You need to get rid of the 'to' or add begin before it.
I pretty sure I missed a few more but I might not have.
A fantastic story so far, but you need to learn how to break your sentences, especially in dialogue.
They tend to turn into run-ons very quickly.
“Are you sure you don’t want to meet the girls’ Mother?”
“Are you sure you don’t want to meet the girls, Mother?”
2841770 I think that you're quite correct in regards tocanon Twilight's personality and mannerisms.
I think however that you're missing the point as to Twilight's personality in this particular fic; the rest of the Mane 6 seem as surprised as you are as to her apparently different personality, and I think it's been sufficiently highlighted the difference between "Canterlot Noble" Twilight and "Ponyville" Twilight. What the nobility have been like behind closed doors (hedonism, etc.) IRL (Think - medieval feasts, mistresses, etc.) accounts for her attitudes to sex and BB's casual comments.
TL;DR - This fic's Twilight has been shown to be significantly different to Twilight as she is generally known throughout the fandom, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
(If this comes across as abrasive in some way, please tell me. I've tried really hard not to make it sound like NO UR WRONG because you clearly know your fandom stuff, I think you've just misjudged the fic slightly.)
I'm sorry, but just reading the description reminds me of "Viva la Vida"...
"Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead
Long live the king."
Yeah, I know in this story it'll be Queen (Freddie Mercury FTW) but still...
Aaand. Thats all the mistakes I could find. hope their fixed soon.
anyway good chapter, and I love your portrayal of (nice)Blueblood he comes offf rather cleanly. as for Scribblemind, I wouldn't mind seeing more of him.
Ok, this just starts out badly. First, the mention of a civil war in a society of ponies so pacifistic they don't even lead a counterattack to a changeling invasion. Unless this is 'alt-universe' and they DID wipe them out. But I don't see that, so I must assume this is happening in-universe.
Then there's the typical 'Celestia jut ups and leaves on vacation with no warning'. That is such a lazy trope. No leader would just up and leave for any length of time without foreplanning and preparation. Celestia RULED ON HER OWN FOR 1,000 YEARS OF PEACE!! I do rather think that indicates she's at least somewhat competent, considering no large human civilization has ever managed to last even a 100 year stretch without a significant conflict.
Barely 2,000 words in and already Celestia is being slammed with the idiot ball.
Also: "One of the suspended noble raised his voice. “But what about the country, you can’t just abandon us to your barbarian of a sister.”
And there we have the 'nobility being hostile to Luna' trope thrown in for good measure.
This does not inspire much faith when I see these weak tropes immediately
Glad to see this story update.
Looking forward to more.
Am I detecting a Metro: 2033 reference?
2916366 No single one, more of a compilation of French aristocrats and Arabian princes
2917553 Indeed you are
2916849 Made me laugh harder than it should have
2919026
So is that good or bad?