Paul's Thursday Reviews CCIV · 7:57pm May 7th, 2020
Expectations never seem to line up with reality.
So the good news of the past week is that my short Anthropomorphic won 2nd place overall in the Barcast’s “Halloween in April” contest. This is surprising, especially considering I spent maybe two days writing it. The reward money will work well in helping me pay for my next bit of cover art.
The fact that I placed with a story I devoted so little time on is unexpected, true, but there’s another side of this that caught me even more off guard. I wrote a second entry after Anthropomorphic: Fangs in the Garden. Frankly, I consider Fangs the better work. True, I also spent only a couple days on it, but I worked a little bit harder, thought the overarching themes were much more interesting, and even got a second opinion on it. If anything placed, I fully expected it would be this one. Yet, somehow, it lost out to Anthropomorphic.
This is not new to me in the grand scheme of things. The biggest hit of my FIMFiction career was the quick and easy Tyrant, a story I wrote on a whim and devoted very little time on. It’s currently sitting high at around 21k views and ~2,450 upvotes. Compare that to some of my proudest achievements, the ones that took hard work and dedication, like Guppy Love, Twilight's Inferno, Songbird, or Bulletproof Heart, which combined don’t amount to even half those numbers.
It’s an old scenario, one I’m sure a lot of you have heard before from many authors or maybe even experienced yourselves. I’m not trying to introduce anything new by bringing it up again. But it always strikes me as curious how our babies created through sweat and determination somehow never shine as brightly as those pieces we just decided to throw out there to satisfy some base urge.
I’ve got nothing significant to add to this. Just thought it was interesting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on a 1,500-words-per-day writing streak and would very much like to keep that up. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Split Hares by Palm Palette
Crystalline: Her Destiny by Ice Star
AJ, Rarity, and Fluttershy Complain About Their Minimal Role in the Movie by CartsBeforeHorses
Friends Forever by Abbi-Arson
Star-Crossed by Rocket Lawn Chair
Meet Skater Boo by Dirty Bit
I Don't Know If I'm Real... by North
Amidst The Falling Leaves by Tramper
Apples Of Inspiration, And Their Effects On Time And Relative Dimensions In Space by JMac
What is Right by bathroomstahl
Total Word Count: 88,456
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 2
None: 1
Split Hares
43,079 Words
By Palm Palette
Fluttershy receives a visit from a strange pony going by the name of Linky. At first, everything seems normal, if a bit odd. Then Linky pounces and runs off… with Fluttershy’s cutie mark.
That was… It… It was…
Ah, yes. It ‘was’.
This story largely focuses on Fluttershy as she copes with the changes coming over her without a cutie mark. It bombards us with themes of mood swings, depression, and suicidal tendencies. Palm Palette demonstrates a keen awareness of how to translate mood in literary form, never letting us forget just how terrible things are for our protagonist. In the meantime, the chase is on to find ‘Linky’ and get Fluttershy’s mark back, which involves a whole new location to explore, suspicious characters to interrogate, and a large-scale investigation with the assistance of Cadance and Shining Armor. We even get a chance to see a chapter from Linky’s perspective as she deals with a hungry manticore and reveals to us her overarching goals and motivations.
Fact is, this story has all the hallmarks of a growing, emotional, and intense tale.
Then it just ends.
I get the impression Palm Palette was tired of working on this story and decided to stop writing it with a rushed conclusion, because the ending we have makes no sense at all. Why did we go through 35,000 words of investigations and speculation and even get a chance to see the villain if none of it had anything to do whatsoever with the ending? I mean, if this was planned all along, Palm Palette easily could have written the entire story in 10,000 words or less by focusing 100% on Fluttershy and the effects of losing her cutie mark. We didn’t need the rest of the Mane 6 searching Linky’s house for clues or exploring creepy forests or legal battles with the mayor to get to this specific point, so why does any of it exist?
So at best, it feels like Palm Palette decided to call it quits. At worst, there’s a sense of promises unfulfilled.
I’m not sure what the author was thinking, but I’m pretty sure this was not the ending the story needed. It’s a crying shame, too, because the rest of the story is great. I mean it. It’s interesting, it’s emotional, it’s heartfelt, at times it’s downright scary. Palm Palette had a good thing going, regularly defying expectations and having me wondering what was going to happen next. If it wasn’t for how it ended – or, one might argue, didn’t end – it would have landed high on my bookshelves. As it is?
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Upgrade Menace — Pretty Good
Villain Cube Understands — Worth It
Crystalline: Her Destiny
24,099 Words
By Ice Star
Princess Cadance is going on a leisurely flight when she comes across an odd item in the mountains. Her investigation has unforeseen consequences, and soon King Sombra reappears. But this Sombra doesn’t claim to want to conquer the Empire. No, he wants to defend it against some mysterious force he believes is coming.
It’s pretty easy to see that this is one of Ice Star’s early works. The story is an attempt to raise Cadance to the same level of importance as Twilight, Celestia, or Luna. It has an interesting villain and all the makings of an excellent adventure in which Sombra and Cadance work together to defeat something far more powerful than either of them. But problems arise right away and never stop coming. These problems largely revolve around a rushed plotline and endless plot holes.
For example: Cadance just found out Sombra’s back. He tells her he needs to sneak into the Canterlot Archives in order to find out what is threatening Equestria. Cadance’s immediate response: sure! Let me drop everything and leave right now without bothering to tell anyone, including my husband. I totally trust that this isn’t some trick and help you sneak into the place that may have the most dangerous and restricted things in the world.
There are not enough ways to say bullshit.
And that’s just the beginning. Somehow Sombra ends up destroying the Archives, but at no point is the question of why it happened even brought up. Instead, as soon as they escape, Cadance asks… about Sombra’s cutie mark? Because that’s the important thing at this moment when a major section of Canterlot Castle just exploded and there are likely to be ponies searching for them since two guards and Luna saw Cadance go into said major section a few hours ago?
Oh, hey, we’re going to go travelling through the most frozen region of the north, beyond even the Crystal Empire. No, nopony is going to either ask or explain why. We’re just gonna go, because… Because.
Look, a dragon! It kidnaps the princess. Oh, no, it’s helping the princess! Why? Oh, we don’t ask those questions around here. The dragon’s gonna help then send them on their way without so much as a “and next time stay off my glacier!” Maybe he’s just nice. I mean, he is a rabbit, apparently. Not that Cadance noticed.
Hey, Princess! Yeah, you just died, so we’re going to take this opportunity to tell you that you can’t die. You’re, like, an empress, now. Reasons? Eh, let’s just say destiny. That works. Now, I can see you don’t have questions because you're the most non-curious pony ever, so you just head back to the mortal world now and don’t worry about that bad guy. We’ve got you, babe.
Every single chapter of this story has at least one moment of complete nonsense. I’m not sure there’s a single logical decision in the entire plotline, from Cadance haplessly trusting Sombra the instant he opens his mouth to the dragon who comes out of nowhere, drops a plot MacGuffin in Cadance’s hooves for no reason, and then disappears, never to be heard from again.
The thing is, all of this could be saved. If each scene were given the necessary attention, if characters behaved rationally, if explanations for practically anything at all had been given, this could have been a grand epic. Cadance could have gotten her longed-for spotlight with this overarching story. With care and patience, a great tale could have been born. Instead we get something that seems more slapped together than anything.
Ice Star is a good writer, and we all had to start somewhere. I know this author has done better since this story was released. From this perspective, I can see the silver lining in the author’s self-improvement. But this is one of Ice Star’s earlier works, and it shows.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Autophobia — Pretty Good
Tear the Sky Asunder — Pretty Good
All That Lingers — Worth It
Defining Features — Worth It
The Symphony of Dawn — Worth It
AJ, Rarity, and Fluttershy Complain About Their Minimal Role in the Movie
1,236 Words
By CartsBeforeHorses
This one is almost exactly what it says on the tin. I say ‘almost’ because instead of the story really starring AJ, Rarity, and Fluttershy, it instead stars their ‘actresses’, who happen to have the same names. Or at least, it’s supposed to be that. The way the characters act, it’s almost as though they can't tell the difference between themselves and the characters they are portraying.
At times confusing, the story isn’t a story at all. It’s really just CartsBeforeHorses ranting about everything he didn’t like about the movie. In their defense, the movie did a lot of things wrong. I enjoyed it myself, but I totally get where the naysayers are coming from; in the regular MLP:FiM setting it made no sense. But then, you could say that about a lot of the season finales, couldn’t you?
If you hated the movie and/or want to see some extra points being made about why it’s crap, this may do it for you. But as a story, it’s… well, it’s not much. And since I’m here to gauge stories…
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Friends Forever
1,739 Words
By Abbi-Arson
The Element Bearers are mortal. Threats to Equestria are, theoretically, eternal. Princess Twilight concludes that the best way to keep Equestria safe is to keep the Element Bearers themselves safe. Their permission for this is not required.
Or: Twilight has another epic freakout.
The concept here is certainly dark, and I can see it making for some good horror material if handled correctly. Where Abbi-Arson goes wrong is that they jumped directly to the act of forcing Twilight’s friends into these life-preserving chambers. There’s a lot of her friends trying to demonstrate the vast number of flaws in her plan, to say nothing for its severe ethical ramifications, and this is all well and good.
The problem is that this is clearly set sometime after Season 5, and Twilight wouldn’t jump to this conclusion on a whim, no matter how epically she’s Twilighting. The premise is patently absurd in its OOC-ness. This means that the only way to sell the story is to show us how Twilight came to this conclusion and willingness in the first place. Without that, the story is mere nonsense, and you can’t frighten or disturb people with nonsense.
I would argue that Abbi-Arson also could have vastly improved upon the impact of this story by having Twilight do things slowly, perhaps aided by already having most of the Bearers sealed with only one or two left. You know, make the fruitless struggle linger and properly get into the mood.
Of course, there’s also the writing, which is atrocious. Grammar, formatting, spelling, punctuation, emphasis, directness, it all needs work. Any reader who cares at all about how a story is written will likely turn away by the first or second paragraph.
Thing is, I think this concept could work as a horror. I think it could work wonderfully (so to speak). But Abbi-Arson doesn’t demonstrate the literary and storytelling skills necessary to pull it off. Perhaps with time and practice, but not here. It’s a shame, as I was kinda looking forward to this one.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Star-Crossed
2,968 Words
By Rocket Lawn Chair
Celestia sits on a balcony with an unusually quiet Discord, staring at the stars.
Now this was a pleasant read. It’s a complex brew that reflects on Discord as an individual, Celestia and her endless doubts, and Luna’s mastery of the meanings and applications of the stars. The prose is thoughtful and greatly reinforces the themes without seeming to try, letting us delve deep into each character in indirect ways.
As long as you’re okay with the dislestia ship, you should really enjoy this. And even if you’re not into the ship, I’d strongly recommend it for its ability to be deep and distinct without being direct. If this is the kind of writing Rocket Lawn Chair uses all the time, I’ll be glad to read more.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Meet Skater Boo
3,350 Words
By Dirty Bit
This is really easy to summarize:
Any kid of the 90’s probably knows the Animaniacs, and if you know the Animaniacs then you know of Chicken Boo. This story is for you. It has all the same shenanigans, and it’s clear that Dirty Bit has seen more than a couple Chicken Boo shorts. My only complaint in this regard would be a minor correction to the ponified song: You wear a disguise to look like equine guys, but you’re not a colt, you’re a chicken, Boo. Really, just a nitpick.
Does it work well in literature? Eh, I’ll leave that up to the individual. One of the things that made Chicken Boo so entertaining was the extreme visual juxtaposition of a giant rooster amongst rather idiotic humans. Dirty Bit tries hard to keep that visual running by constantly reminding us of Chicken Boo’s poultry-ness, but I’m not sure if it is as effective as the show. Still, I approve of the overall effort put into it.
There are some minor issues, such as mis-writing Apple Bloom’s name, but really, we’re all here for the silly. Go in without taking it seriously, because… come on. It’s about a giant chicken pretending to be a pony.
Might be a miss if you’re not familiar with the source material, but for the rest of us? A decent look back at our collective childhoods.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
I Don't Know If I'm Real...
2,215 Words
By North
One of the fandom’s oldest, easiest concepts is “what happened if Twilight sent the real Pinkie into the Mirror Pool by mistake?” These stories almost universally revolve around Twilight & Co. realizing the error and having to deal with the aftermath and a Pinkie Clone masquerading as their friend. North takes things in a different direction in this story by focusing solely on Pinkie’s situation in the pool.
The result is something disturbing. Here we are forced to watch as Pinkie struggles against the pool’s effects on her mind, trying to remember how she got there in the first place. It’s even worse when she does.
North effectively channels Pinkie’s isolation, struggle, and grief. In terms of the writing, I have zero complaints. But bear in mind that this is a sadfic first and foremost, and you shouldn’t expect a happy conclusion. As long as you’re okay with that, you’ll probably find something you like in this.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Amidst The Falling Leaves
1,794 Words
By Tramper
Vinyl lies on a hill by the road, thinking about her history with Octavia.
Octavia fans, turn away now.
This is a story about how Vinyl Scratch personally worked to lift Octavia up from the depths of failure and mediocrity and into the limelight. More importantly, it’s about how Otavia paid her back for that goodness. That ‘pay back’ ends up in complete defiance of the common interpretation of Octavia, so much so that I can see her more earnest fans recoiling in horror and flooding the story with downvotes on principle.
But under the not-exactly OOC nature of the characters (‘not exactly’ because Octavia didn’t have a canon personality at the time this story was written), there’s a nice story. Well, ‘nice’ in terms of quality. This ends up a story about friendship, betrayal, payback, and perhaps depression. While I can’t say I approve of the whole “talking about events after the fact” style that Tramper chose, I won’t deny that the material in and of itself is interesting. Had the author chosen an OC duo instead of Vinyl and Octavia, I think the format would be the only major issue.
A decent tragedy, capably written despite its formatting handicap. If that interests you (and you’re not an Octavia megafan), by all means, give it a go.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Substance — Pretty Good
You Got Me — Pretty Good
Hearth — Worth It
A Small Moment — Needs Work
Making My Mark — Needs Work
Apples Of Inspiration, And Their Effects On Time And Relative Dimensions In Space
1,686 Words
JMac failed to provide cover art.
Requested by Super Trampoline
Not so long ago
I can still remember how that Pinkie
Tried to take Doc’s call
And he thought if he had his chance
That he might make space and time dance
And maybe she’d tell him about the Wall
But his presence it made her shiver
With every question he’d deliver
Intrigue at her doorstep
She couldn’t fake one more quip
I can’t remember if she cried when he
Entered through her doorway wide
Then Doc saw Apples on the side
The Wall was able
To hide
So bye, bye Miss Pinkamena Pie
Sent the dummy to the fam’ly ‘till the fam’ly was dry
Them good ole friends were having cider and pie
Knowin’ they were only her alibi
They were only her alibi
It’s truly a shame I don’t have time to do the whole song. That could have been awesome. Oh, well.
If you like feghoots and Pinkie Pie-related shenanigans, this will absolutely do it for you. Amusingly, it features very little actual Pinkie, mostly centering on Time Turner. I almost feel sorry for the Apple Family. That final pun is quite the doozy, too. Of this feghoot, I thoroughly approve, even if it takes a while to get to the pun. It may be the most elaborate setup I’ve yet seen for an equally elaborate pun.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Thweet Geniuth — WHYRTY?
"I'll Take That One." — Pretty Good
Being Neighborly — Pretty Good
Adventures In Cake Sitting — Worth It
Quizzical — Worth It
What is Right
6,290 Words
By bathroomstahl
Sequel to That's Your Downfall
Discord and Sombra were once bearers of Elements. They are petrified and exiled, respectively. Now Celestia has had a disastrous meeting with the Queen Aletheia, Bearer of Honesty. Luna sees all this, and she worries. Before his defeat, Discord prophesied that Celestia was changing for the worse. Could it be true?
This is bathroomstahl’s rendition of how Luna fell to the Nightmare. I was surprised, and in a good way. The story operates under the idea that the Elements are aware and capable of manipulating their charges in unforeseen ways. With a touch of worldbuilding, some imaginative ideas, and a few twists for good measure, this is a wholly believable and ominous rendition of Equestria’s distant past. Well, ‘believable’ provided you can accept the complete redefining of the Elements’ collective nature. That I’ll leave up to you.
Well written with some strong characters and significant implications regarding the modern Equestria (I see what you did with that giant flower, author), this was well worth the read.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Under the Mistletoe — Worth It
That's Your Downfall — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Changeling Courtship Rituals by Codex Ex Equus
Don't Want Perfection by Shortmane
Happy Ending by not plu
Revenge by TimbukTurnip
The Compromise by Annuska
No Rain? Can't Get No Rainbow! by TheMareWhoSaysNi
Water on the Bridge by Nugget
The Secretary by Snowybee
Nothing Left to Lose by Freglz
The Trixie Clause by TCC56
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I have had the same experience with my stories.
A Simple Question, a Terrible Truth was a story that I made just because I thought of it that morning and wrote it in less than 8 hours since it was shorter than anything I have ever written, and it's my most succesful story by far.
And even when I wrote the sequel with more of my heart put into it, it didn't reach the same level of its predecesor.
And same as you, the stories I wrote with effort and wanting to turn into series from the start can't compete even combined.
I found it confusing, and even sort of worringsome, since it made me question just how exactly should I write so they all get some success to keep the story going, or if I was doing something wrong.
Luckily I got a review soon after that made me look more postively on an old work, so i keep trying, and realise I 'aparently' have sense of humor.
So it's like a Muppets or Looney Tunes interview?
I am actually upset someone else wrote a Chicken Boo story before I did. D:
Though at least mine's not based on a tired Scootaloo joke...
Lot of new authors this time! Also, I completely 100% don't remember recommending that story to you. Glad you liked it though!
Yup, if anything my stories generally seem to have an *inverse* relationship between success (whether that means views, reviews, upvotes or whatever else) and... I don't want to say 'effort', or 'heart', as I always put those in, but... Eh, I don't know. Time? Both time spent actually physically writing, and time going over the concept and carefully planning things out as opposed to writing from the hip? Definitely length, anyway. Whatever, the success fairy seems to be a particularly capricious thing.
ANYWAY
I've not come across half of these authors before, so thank you for the awesome work you do.
Back when I used to participate in write-off minific rounds, it was often my last-minute, quickly-written ones that did the best, even though I didn't put nearly as much thought into them.
Much appreciated for the review. Yeah, this was back when I thought Apple Bloom was one word, like with Applejack.
That, and I only went with pony rather than colt since it was close enough to man (Stallion was even more wordy), but looking back, you make a good point
Overall, it really was a hurdle to even make this readable at the time. I think I recall rewatching some shorts to get the formula right.
Thanks again for the review!
5257920 I saw an opportunity and I took it
I was surprised to see Anthropomorphic place too. I enjoyed both your entries, but that one I felt was a lot more predictable, so I was pretty certain Fangs would be the one to place if either did.
First off, I'm really sorry that you didn't enjoy the story. I've been sitting on writing a response to the review for a while because of how much stuff keeps popping up and demands to be done, including a couple of other projects. My whole first arc of stories is due for some serious TLC, especially because I want them to have printed copies. But that will be a while, and this review is just a reminder of some of the things I need to fix, so thank you for it. I'll be able to revisit these stories, but until then a) I have a story that has needed to be finished since 2017; so progress in the storyline has to come first b) five whole stories totaling to more than 400,000 words are a lot to undertake and finally c) until I can do that, I'm not sure how much of a hit/miss your enjoyment of my stories will be, if only because of the state they're currently in.
I'm still getting positive comments and other feedback for them, but I still know there's an improvement to be made. Having these kinds of ratings up does make me kind of anxious, because I don't know if you do re-reviews once a story undergoes revision. One of my main goals with this story was that it was supposed to be a novella to novel in length, and probably not the sprawling slow-paced epic you wanted it to be. So, while it would still be expanded in the new version, it won't be going to 60,000 words or something of the sort. As much as I love writing huge, long stories, I want people to be able to read suitably epic horse stories that aren't always 100k or more, and that is what I had in mind when I wrote this.
I like that I was able to see that your review basically didn't talk about what wasn't broken, so to speak. Cadance had a lot of flaws in this story. Some of them were intentional, but looking back they might have been a smidge too much, like when you accidentally put too much salt/sugar/etc in a batch of cookies. Oops! I wanted her to come across as someone who is desperate for an adventure but is somewhat naive due to otherwise living a heavily idealized life up until this point. When writing this, I figured showing that she was too trusting or optimistic was best done through indirect characterization, since I loathe telly stuff a lot of the time. (Especially in first person!) I thought that Sombra's more cynical nature and Cadance being quick to make certain choices would give the reader that impression. Now that I'm a more experienced writer, I think that is something I would be able to preserve, but in a way that shows my experience.
I tried using indirect characterization and a lot of other 'show over tell' methods that I might not have been totally ready for. I'll definitely keep your criticisms in mind when I'm giving this one its TLC, and uh, figuring how on earth anything is supposed to be formatted for Lulu. Because I have zero idea of how formatting works for there. Or where to begin with that.
Thank you for the review, though. I'm sorry again that you didn't like the story. These ones are some of my favorites and knowing that I missed out with editing some kind-of major stuff is ah, not fun.
This is honestly a simple aside I wanted to add: the dragon is just a territorial grouch. He's not mean because I can't see why everything in the world the ponies live in has to be something that will hurt them. So this dragon is just a grouch, because nice dragons are fun too.
5272201
As I said in the review, all the elements of a strong story are there, you just came at them in ways that made no sense. You don't need a 100,000 word epic to achieve that either, you just need to clarify the reason things are happening. Really, that's it. Everything in the story seemed to happen "just because" and frequently decisions were made without any apparent logic behind it. But as I said, seeing your later stories I know that you could pull it off, so good luck with that TLC you mentioned.
I haven't re-reviewed stories in ages. I did it routinely once, but only because there were a lot of stories I'd read before I was actively reviewing and I wanted to get them in. I also have a habit of re-reviewing stories that were incomplete when I first read them, but were finished later. In a case such as this? I probably wouldn't re-review unless specifically requested to do so (hint hint nudge nudge).
5272210
I thought that you were no longer taking review requests? Wasn't there a blog about that? (Also, your book was the best formatted out of the Lulu ones. Do you happen to have any formatting tips you could PM me? Any and all tips are very much appreciated.)
5272225
I never stopped taking them. I might have complained about how they were severely harming my efforts to cut down on my RiL (now more than ever), but I didn't stop taking them.
5272563
If those are still open, I'll put them in once the revisions are done.
5272565
By all means. Just be aware that I'm booked solid for a very long time, so don't expect a fast turnaround.
5272571
That's honestly exactly what I need!
5272573
...uh, what? A fast turnaround or me being booked solid?
5272577
Being booked solid! It gives me lots of time to work on things.
Thanks for reviewing Amidst The Falling Leaves and thanks for the kind words. I wrote in a period where I wanted to defy common conception of the characters, since the landscape was defined by meme-y personalities and I liked exploring different possibilities. That's what background pony fiction kinda is for, in my mind, exploring a very different view of Equestria.
The framing device was chosen, if I remember correctly, because I wanted to write a fic about a character reminiscing about the consequences for their actions. Maybe You Got Me did it a bit better, I don't know, but it also doesn't take as much of a risk with how the characters are perceived. I dunno, I'm just glad you liked it. Keeping the reviews up for this long, good on you. I hope all goes well for you.