Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXL · 8:52pm Sep 21st, 2023
Well, this is new: I’ve been summoned for jury duty. This has happened twice before in my life. The first time I was in college and thus exempt. The second time was a few months ago, when my old Louisiana Parish thought I still lived in said Parish. Since I didn’t, I was once again exempt. (For those who don’t know, in Louisiana the counties are called ‘parishes’. It’s a holdover from when it was a French colony.) No excuse this time though.
So yeah, new experience. It’s not for a few more weeks, but I may start reading ahead of my schedule just to get that day (days?) open and I don’t fall behind. I planned on reading ahead anyway in preparation for my Halloween get-together with the cousins, just so that I don’t have to do any reading during the three-day get-together.
I can’t help but notice that how the summons went is different between states. When I was summoned for jury duty in Louisiana, they also had me go online and fill out a questionnaire. It contained the obvious things – citizenship, age, medical, etc. etc. – but also had some very pointed questions. It was blatantly obvious that the case was a civil trial regarding an insurance lawsuit.
For this Texas summons? Nothing. They asked me the most basic questions of jury qualifications, but nothing whatsoever that might hint at what the case was. I don’t know whether it’s a criminal or civil trial, and I don’t know which of the six types of trial court it will be. After doing a dive into the details of the Texas judicial system, I now realize I won’t be told any of this stuff until I actually get behind closed doors.
I think I prefer this. It’s much more fair overall for the trail. Regardless, I don’t expect to be selected. Partially because of odds, but also because I doubt any defense attorney would want me on a jury.
October might prove more interesting than I thought. But that’s still a little ways off. For now, let’s get to the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Doused Flame by heartlessons
Snowed In by OkemosBrony
The Girl Who Orbited the Sun by Dee Pad
Strange Currencies by Captain_Hairball
Rain Party by False Door
In Between The War by Galaxy Night
Sunsets Shattering by 719276
Fang and Flame by horizon
Rash-onality by SpitFlame
Captain of the Sky by bats
Total Word Count: 353,986
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Doused Flame
9,524 Words
By heartlessons
There are no instruction manuals for breakups.
This is the story of Flash Sentry’s relationship with Sunset Shimmer, from the first Fall Formal to the last. It serves as a character analysis for the both of them, each scene gradually leading further and further towards the inevitable breakup. It’s fascinating how different a person Sunset was between that first kiss and the last.
In some ways, this is fascinating. I really like how the early scenes throw in signs that Sunset is still new to this world, such as being spooked by a fallen leaf or paying for things by, quote, “emptying out her pockets”. I am a little surprised that the question of how she got her apartment never came up, but then I suppose that’s not something she’d prefer to share with her boyfriend.
I’ve seen this topic addressed a few times in horsefics, but I think this is the first time I’ve seen it as the central concept. Heartlessons handled it very well, with a story that is atmospheric and does a great job showing us so much. If watching Flash steadily come to realize what his “perfect” girlfriend is interests you, then you should try this.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Snowed In
2,695 Words
By OkemosBrony
A screwup with the weather leaves Ponyville snowed under in an intense blizzard. Applejack and Rarity have been trapped in the latter’s boutique for days now, unsure of how long they’ll be like this. There’s nothing better for them to do than talk.
I was in the mood for some OTP fluff. Even so, I fully expected this to devolve into the typical hopeless romance elements, i.e. a confession of feelings with a laundry list of “this is why I like you” dialogue. To my pleasant surprise, that’s not what this turned out to be at all. Well, it is to a small degree.
The great news is that this story isn’t a romance in the sense of two ponies professing their undying love and promptly sucking face. Rather, this is a story of quiet confessions, incomplete soul searching, and an affirmation of long-lasting friendship. It’s much more subdued than your usual romance, to the point that it doesn’t even offer any confirmation that the romance is going to be a thing. One pony likes the other, said other doesn’t know how to feel about it, and that’s okay. For both of them. It’s an unusual but quite mature approach.
My only issue with the story is a question of character behavior. We’re well into season 8 by the time this story was published, and contextual clues suggest that’s around when this story is set. Yet the characterization of both ponies felt like they were stuck in the first two or three seasons at the start of the story. Then we get to the end of the story and suddenly they sound like their characterizations in Season 8. Maybe I’m just interpreting things wrong, but it certainly felt to me like the author was conflating character traits and behavioral patterns from old seasons with newer ones. But again, this might be all in my head, so feel free to consider it a subjective topic.
Ignoring that “issue”, I liked this one. It’s not at all what I was expecting, and that’s a good thing. It also satisfied my brief desire for some OTP fluff, which is all I really wanted.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Girl Who Orbited the Sun
256,850 Words
By Dee Pad
Overwhelmed by the ongoing princess training, newly crowned Twilight Sparkle decides to hide from her fellow princesses take a break by exploring the Royal Canterlot Archives. In doing so, she stumbles upon a hidden book. Said book, she soon discovers, was written by Princess Celestia about a student she had in the years just before Luna’s banishment. When Celestia firmly commands Twilight not read the book, it only spurs her into making off with it to learn more about this mysterious pony named Sunset Shimmer.
Let’s start with the obvious: this is an AU. In this world Sunset Shimmer is the daughter of Starswirl the Bearded and lived in Canterlot back when it had just been chosen as the new capital of Equestria. There’s no dimensional mirror, no multicolored human shenanigans, no magical high school girls. There are other differences, some of which I’m pretty sure Dee Pad hadn’t intended. For example, we know that in canon Clover the Clever was one of the founders of Equestria and was a student under Starswirl the Bearded. But in this case Equestria is already founded and it starts with Starswirl being pretty young and not having earned his famous moniker, so it stands to reason that in this version Starswirl came after Clover and had no relationship to the famous court wizard whatsoever.
I’m sure there are other unintended implications to Dee Pad’s revisions of Equestrian history. As long as you can roll with it, you should be fine.
Anyway, the story is told in two parts. The minor part is set in the present with Twilight reading the story, as penned by Celestia, of Sunset Shimmer’s life and her reactions to said story. The much larger part is Sunset’s story itself, which we are allowed to read directly as Celestia wrote it. It is not written as a biography or a journal. Rather, Celestia writes it as historical fiction. This can lead to a lot of questions, particularly in regards to how Celestia knows certain events happened when she was not present for them, but Dee Pad covers that base decently enough by acknowledging not everything in the book is accurate and some of the described events were told to Celestia second-hand (second-hoof?).
The story covers a lot of ground, including but not limited to filly Sunset’s first learning and becoming infatuated with the ‘idea’ of Celestia, becoming Celestia’s first-ever student, being raised by Starswirl and Celestia at the Castle of the Two Sisters, her testy but generally friendly relationship with Princess Luna, and even her death. What, spoilers? Sunset lived 1,000 years ago and Twilight’s never heard of her; one way or another, I think we all know where this has to end.
Dee Pad has a decent grasp of how to craft individual scenes. Sunset’s struggles, joys, amusements and embarrassments are all nicely handled, and her relationship with Celestia (the core of the story) is well-explored. But then there are issues with key elements. The first easy example of this is Luna, who is indeed on her way to becoming Nightmare Moon and does so before the story is over. I was expecting that to be the climax, but since the story isn’t about her that didn’t prove the case, and that works. What bothered me about this is that Luna’s turn to Nightmare Moon felt sudden and forced.
Yes, Dee Pad foreshadowed it; it’s Luna’s behavior that was off. It’s established right off the bat that Luna is generally unpopular and unknown and she’s trying to fix that. And… that’s it. There’s never any escalation. Luna’s attitude never shifts, her anger never grows, her activities are unchanged. She remains emotionally static for years and then BOOM, Nightmare Moon out of nowhere!
The other problem is this entire Twilight/Celestia thing going on in the present time. The story opens outright with Celestia demanding Twilight not read the book about Sunset. Then when Twilight refuses Celestia is all like “please don’t do this to yourself, Twilight!” And now, having read the entire story, I look back on that scene and think “Do what to herself?” That opening led me to believe there was some deep, terrible truth that would have a horrible impact on Twilight. And… yeah. Nothing like that whatsoever.
Worse, Dee Pad tries to shoehorn in some melodrama in a failed bid at making Celestia’s statement have some merit. A third or so through the story Twilight stops reading and acts all furious because, uh… *checks notes* Sunset Shimmer’s acceptance as Celestia’s student went similarly as hers? And that somehow means she’s just a replacement for Sunset Shimmer? And clearly this is what Celestia was trying to hide from her and oh that makes her so mad she’s going to march right up to that alicorn and tell her why she’s such a mean witch and—
Okay, this is stupid. There is absolutely no reason for Twilight to be furious. Curious, sure. Concerned, maybe. But violently, spittle-flinging rage? Please. This entire scene is pointless melodrama that doesn’t help the story in any way. It doesn’t have any impact of Twilight’s life, it has no relation to Celestia’s earlier claims that Twilight would be hurting herself by reading the book, and the entire encounter is the definition forced.
Then we get to the ending where Twilight has finished Sunset’s story and goes to talk to Celestia. You’d think that we’re finally going to find out just what was so terrible that Celestia thought Twilight’s life would be ruined via the reading. But no, nothing of the sort happens. At best, Dee Pad handwaves the issue by trying to make it about Celestia overreacting to “punish herself for her failures”.
If we want to give Dee Pad the benefit of the doubt, the entire issue is what happens when you start a story having no idea where you’re going with it.
To clarify, the majority of this story is fine. It’s all about Sunset growing up with Celestia as her unofficial mother with a heavy dose of revised worldbuilding, and in that vein it works well. If Dee Pad had stuck with that, this might have gotten a high mark even with the quirk of Luna’s downfall. It’s all the stuff relating to Twilight where it falls apart, but fortunately those elements make up maybe 15% of the overall story. If you can get past them, you might just consider this a gem.
If.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Strange Currencies
16,430 Words
By Captain_Hairball
Requested by NumberFifth
Strange Mirror has a rather unique special talent: she appears as whatever the viewer wants to see. An old baker sees a sweet filly with a sweet tooth. Store owners see a reliable, repeat customer. Bosses see a hardworking, punctual employee. With such a powerful ability, Strange Mirror does what any pony would: commit treason.
Our story begins with an overview of Strange Mirror‘s daily routine, her criminal activities and the downsides of her abilities. The primary downside is that Strange Mirror has no control over said abilities, which makes just walking through crowds of people dangerous. To make matters worse, she can’t see herself, having to wear clothes and other identifying markers like string just to identify where her hooves are at any given time. The good news is that she has a loyal friend in Matthew the Raven (literally a raven, in case that wasn’t obvious), an easy job at the government’s financial archives, and an easier job dropping off government financial secrets to the changelings.
Then she has a one night stand with a pegasus. For reasons never explained, this pegasus can see her for who she really is, and this stops her special talent cold. And without her special talent, suddenly all the deceptions, lies, and tricks she’s used to build herself up come tumbling down.
The end result is an adventure story in which Strange Mirror and her new friend Exchange have to figure out what the changelings are up to and how to stop it without also turning Strange Mirror in to the Royal Guard. It’s short but sweet, a fast-paced journey that only briefly touches upon Strange Mirror’s strange circumstances but does well with the time it offers.
That being said, I think Strange Mirror completely misused her ability. Why sell secrets to the changelings when you could go to any major business, claim to be a close associate of some powerful government official who can pull strings, then make bank in a job that literally pays you a fortune to do nothing? With the way Mirror’s abilities are described, that seems perfectly plausible and easy to get away with.
On the other hand, I love the idea of the Shadowbolts being suit, tie, and sunglasses-sporting thestrals. The Ponies in Black. And since they are thestrals, can we safely assume they work for Luna? Actually, they must be, since it’s specifically Luna mentioned when discussing potential criminal charges. So Luna runs a secretive policing organization that criminals like Strange Mirror are absolutely terrified of and happen to be modeled after the Men in Black. That jibes with me.
Overall, I had fun with this. It’s fast-paced and doesn’t outlive its welcome, doing everything it needs to in a short span of time. Give it a go if you’re feeling a little adventurous and don’t mind a cast made up entirely of OCs or that Strange Mirror’s loss of abilities is never explained.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Resurrectionists — WHYRTY?
No, Agent Drops, I Expect You to Love Me — Pretty Good
Rain Party
10,251 Words
By False Door
Requested by LH45
The CMC are enjoying a typical sleepover at the clubhouse when it starts to rain. Then things start going wrong.
In this weird fic, Ponyville gets inundated with a rain that turns all creatures it touches into hideous mutants vis-à-vis The Thing. The Crusaders thus must try and survive in their treehouse shelter until the rain ends, keeping out the monsters and staying dry while rationing their very limited and notably unhealthy food supply.
Combining the physical abominations of The Thing with the mental deterioration of Dead Space (although maybe not inspired by either), I’m sure this will appeal to anyone with an interest in body horror. While I don’t believe False Door’s writing style was the most effective at capturing the best tone for the events, it is nonetheless a creepfest of suspense and ever-worsening danger. I must admit that body horror is not typically my jam, but False Door did alright with it.
It’s intense stuff. In my opinion, it should be rated Mature. Come to think of it, I’d argue body horror should be rated M by default.
Alas, then we get to that ending. I won’t spoil it, but I will say it is of a particular cancer common to the horror genre. It is a huge let down every time I see it, and this was no exception. Some twist endings are good, but these always strike me as stupid. This ending alone is more than enough for me to drop the story a rating.
Aside from that? Good stuff for the horror aficionados out there. It’s tense and worrying and undeniably creepy. Definitely would have gotten a PG rating from me were it not for that conclusion.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
In Between The War
15,549 Words
Galaxy Night took down the story before I could save the cover art.
Requested by Galaxy Night
Two years ago, a lost and scared young mare named Twilight Sparkle came to the Crystal Empire. Today, she is King Sombra’s second in command. Twilight is strong, she’s intelligent, and she’s loyal. King Sombra would make her his queen, if only he understood how this whole “love” thing works.
This is exactly what the summary above suggests: King Sombra has fallen in love with Twilight but has no idea if he should act on it or how. In the meantime, he’s got the Nightmare in his head (because this story runs on the idea that the Nightmare Parasite was influencing him all along) telling him that this love is poisonous and he needs to ditch Twilight ASAP. As such, most of the story is him figuring out his feelings and eventually courting Twilight, who is most receptive.
On the one hand, I like the characterization of Sombra here. He’s still a villain – as shown by how he continues to use mind control on his soldiers – but he’s no longer totally evil. This is a more grounded version, one with ambition and rather loose morals but also not unreasonable, as shown by his regular, normal, and largely non-menacing interactions with ponies other than Twilight throughout the story. And of course there’s Twilight herself, who is largely the adorkable nerd we all know, just in the employ of a tyrant. And I like how Galaxy Night approached their romance, making it a little silly and nervous and, essentially, putting the both of them out of their comfort zones.
But alas, there are issues.
The first is the writing, which made the story a pain to read. Consistently incorrect comma use, words missing, words added where they aren’t needed, phrases that immediately repeat one another’s points, overly telly narrative, and so on. Galaxy Night really needs a proofreader, because I was frequently tempted to skip the narrative entirely just to read the dialogue (which you shouldn’t do here since some of the narrative is pretty important).
At the start I gave Galaxy Night the benefit of the doubt. After all, this story is told from Sombra’s perspective, and he’s currently a little nutty from having a parasite in his head constantly putting him down and being an ass, which has apparently been going on for his entire life. I thought that maybe, just maybe, the messed up narrative was an attempt to reflect his broken mind.
But no. The dialogue of everypony in the story is also broken, and later when the Parasite is out of the picture nothing is fixed. Galaxy Night just doesn’t grammar well.
There’s also these weird insinuations regarding the relationship between the Crystal Empire and Equestria. Which… they’re at war. All their interactions should be combative. Even when free of his lifelong demon, Sombra shows zero interest in stopping the fighting or freeing his slaves. And yet Galaxy Night writes things as if he stays in constant communication with Celestia, planning meetings and discussing governing matters and even… uh… sharing tax information? Wut? Seriously, author, the lump sum of Sombra’s interaction with Celestia should be “These are the terms of your surrender.” That’s. It. Are they at war or are they at war?
To sum up, the surface subject of this story – Sombra being in love with Twilight and how that affects his relationship with the Nightmare Parasite – is great, but the background of this AU makes no sense and the writing leaves a lot to be desired. It may work for someone who likes this ship (and I am by no means opposed to it), but only if they’re willing to put up with some poor writing and scene setting.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Pre-Post Edit: Galaxy Night scrubbed the story the instant I chose a bookshelf for it. Make of that what you will.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Sunsets Shattering
Incomplete (11,097 words read for this review)
By 719276
Requested by 719276
Sunset Shimmer enters a tournament, I guess.
719276 wanted to figure out why this story wasn’t garnering much attention compared to their expectations. I’m sorry that this won’t be encouraging, but I have to start with the question: Where do I even begin?
The cover art is an impossible to read map and the description tells us absolutely nothing in regards to what this story is actually about. Automatically, there’s not much there to catch a potential reader’s attention.
But then we get to the story itself, which has all sorts of problems from the start. Were I not reading it for a review, I’d have stopped exactly 799 words in. Why? Because within those 799 words Sunset dealt horrible bodily harm to a half-dozen fellow students, including breaking one student’s back, then has the audacity to tell her just-arriving principal that she “was being perfectly safe about it”.
And then he agrees with her. Perfectly safe. Never mind the one student who will spend the rest of his life paralyzed or the one who was lit on fire. It’s all good.
The narrative changes tenses constantly, often within the same sentence. Sentences can ramble on for 60+ words trying to describe eight different things all at once. Every chapter begins with a quotation, but the formatting for those quotes is different every time and sometimes the quotes aren’t even real, so there’s no consistency to help them work. There are random spaces before and after quotation marks in the dialogue. Dialogue and thoughts are formatted identically for maximum confusion. Words that don’t mean what is clearly intended appear frequently. The writing is repetitive to the point of frustration on top of being so telly that the author feels obligated to give exact numbers for things like how many people are in a crowd, divided up by race.
And that’s just a piece of the writing issues I took notes of. Literal notes this time; the problems were coming so quickly that I had to start writing things down lest I forget them all.
Then there are the odd situational issues, like the whole “breaking someone’s back is a perfectly safe and expected thing in a practice fight” I mentioned above. Like the time 4,850 people (see “exact numbers” note above) show up to take part in this tournament but somehow only 200 end up actually taking part in the tournament. What, did the rest get bored and go home?
Also, the same young woman who thought breaking people’s backs and lighting them on fire for practice was fine is getting all bitter and self-righteous over industrial accidents. Also also, 719276 either wanted a ridiculously over-the-top class warfare Capitalist society going on in this AU or they really hate big business, given their description of Sunset’s hometown as a pollution-ridden, crime-infested, factory-overrun hellhole. Also also also, all aristocrats and elites are evil and corrupt and Sunset hates them. At least until she arrives at Canterlot in Chapter 2, when the big city is amazing and she’s getting chummy with the aristocratic elite running the tournament and she holds no grudge against Twilight Sparkle despite her being, y’know, one the daughters of the elite, evil and corrupt aristocrats.
Speaking of, if Celestia is still the same kind, wise, and gentle ruler we all know her to be – and so far Sunset’s personal interactions with her are implying that to be the case – then how is it that the factories are pollution-spewing monstrosities with constant industrial accidents, the streets “were filled with the blood of the poor and pollution from the factories they worked in” (direct quote), and train stations are protected by shields to keep the undeserving riffraff from daring to touch the sleek magnetic bullet trains leading to and from the capital? Hell, if their technology is advanced enough to allow for magnetic bullet trains and they’ve created a modern transit system using magical teleportation boxes, why am I expected to believe they haven’t developed modern (or better, because magic) anti-pollution technology?
Also, why are we consistently stating that everything Sunset says is not aggressive and provocative? Are we expected to think that everything she says is provocative unless otherwise stated?
Why are we specifying that a factory produces… Gundams? Yes, capital G. 719276, you do realize that there are more types of mechs than just Gundams, and that Gundams in and of themselves are of a very specific anime series and not a universal identifier? By calling these things Gundams, you are telling us directly that this is a crossover story, but I ain’t seeing no crossover tags, ya get me?
The fighting is very… anime. Or perhaps video game. Both? Imagine, it’s the start of the story and Sunset Shimmer is capable of leaping from wall to ceiling to wall in a room the size of a football stadium, her impacts cracking the structure in the process. Where is the room for potential growth and development? Scratch that, I find the whole manner of the fights eye-rolling at best and downright stupid at worst. People are literally moving at light speed and reacting to attacks within a nanosecond. There’s trying to make for a cool fight scene, and then there’s belly-flopping right over the edge into the rapids of ludicracy.
Why is Sunset Shimmer, an imminently capable and profoundly talented fire mage, spending her time on the train watching a beginner’s guide to fire magic? Why is Celestia’s introductory speech for the tournament – which is being given before who she openly admits are 4,850 of the most brilliant magical minds in the history of Equestria by a wide margin – essentially a Magic Kindergarten course?
Sunset meets a receptionist. Who has blue eyes. Until the end of the paragraph, when she’s suddenly got golden eyes.
I could say more. A lot more. But I think I’ll digress; 719276’s ego has taken enough hits. So, author, what can you do to improve? Find an editor. That, or take some English and grammar classes. Your writing is a mess at best, and that needs to be fixed before you should even consider trying to write a short story, much less an epic like this was clearly intended to be the start of.
Pay attention to what you write. It matters. None of this “there were ~5,000 people in the auditorium for the tournament” suddenly getting shot down to a mere 200 people. No eyes randomly changing color. No dragons in suits suddenly being characters out of nowhere.
Also consider the consequences of your decisions. You start off the story with this image of an urban hellhole only to immediately jump to urban utopia, with an attempted explanation of class warfare. But no effort was made to justify the blatant contradictions of these two existences. Worse, Sunset rolls with it, like all her loathing of the elite disappeared the instant she set foot in one of their cities. Worse, Sunset’s acting like becoming Celestia’s student is the ultimate snub against these evil elites, completely ignoring the fact that these elites exist under Celestia’s rule, therefore Celestia bears at least some of the responsibility for the state of things.
You don’t need to be so detailed. It’s not necessary to specify that Sunset gave a street urchin $600. We don’t know what $600 is in this economy. It might not be enough to buy a Happy Meal, or it might serve as the down-payment on a house. You’ve given us no indication of what the economics are really like, so the 600 number is irrelevant; better to be vague unless you plan on giving us a much clearer picture. Note that the $600 is only one example; we don’t need to know there are exactly three chandeliers in a train car (yes, it’s car, not “cart”), or that it took exactly six minutes to walk somewhere (BTW, you should be spelling out numbers below 11, consistently), or that there were 4,850 people in a crowd (you seriously expect me to believe Sunset was able to figure that out just by a glance?). These numbers are of no value at all to the reader. Unless the number is going to be important for the plot in some way, stop being so specific.
Regarding the fight scenes, those are a bit trickier. Some people actually like ridiculous, anime and video game-esque fight scenes. But you’re talking about people taking critical, even lethal damage and walking away like it’s nothing. This means there’s no risk or danger, and with no risk or danger there’s no investment. Worse, the question arises of how they’re supposed to get better. You’re already making the fights ridiculous and over-the-top, but in a story the characters are expected to improve, and they can’t really do that if you’ve already made them godlike (to use your own terminology).
Cut it back. Slow it down. By starting with the characters already so impossibly good, you’re running the very real risk of having to retcon them into weaker forms later in the name of giving them a challenge (see “can move faster than light” Goku abruptly struggling with the one-second timing of a villain’s only weakness). Leave your heroes with plenty of room to develop their skills and become better. It’ll avoid the problems of trying to find something to challenge them later and will also make for a much more interesting read.
And stop with the no consequences. When someone’s back is broken or they get burned, that should have an impact. People don’t walk away from these things, and they certainly don’t smile at their opponent who just put third degree burns all over their arms. If they can, there needs to be a legitimate reason for it other than “magic”.
Keep things real. Your readers can relate to real. Yes, video games make all that stuff look awesome, but you’re not writing a video game.
This review is getting long, especially considering it’s for a story a mere 11,000 words long at the time I read it. I’ll cut this off now, and wish 719276 good luck. They’re going to have to work a bit in order to make this story something worth recommending. As a general rule I don’t rate incomplete stories, but if I did this one might have landed in my rarely granted None category. Keep working at it, 719276, and practice a lot, but I strongly recommend focusing on short stories until you can better develop your writing and storytelling.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Fang and Flame
14,299 Words
By horizon
She was of the pack, but also not of the pack. Her only desire, crafted through instinct and observation, is to lead the pack in the hunt, for it to be her pack. But that will never be, because she is not like the others. Then, one strange day, she sees herself. And in investigating herself, she will discover everything she longs for.
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this.
This story stars Ember, a human who was raised by wolves as the daughter of the alpha. She possess a special circlet containing the bloodstone, which allows her to communicate with the wolves, instills within her their animal instincts, and grants her superhuman strength and resilience. But even with that, her ‘father’ refuses to let her lead the pack in a hunt, because she just can’t physically compare to the wolves.
Then Equestria’s Ember visits the area. One thing leads to another, and suddenly wolf-Ember winds up in Equestria with her own bloodstone. Shit hit the fan very quickly.
Original in its premise, adventurous in its nature, and all contained around a character study. At times it is worrying, but it is ceaselessly interesting. The one and only thing that might throw readers off is the most obvious question: why would Dragonlands Ember turn into a dog when she comes to the EqG world, and yet EqG Ember is a human among wolves? No explanation is offered, so you’d best be ready to roll with it.
Should you manage to do so, you will discover a fast-paced story themed on the conflict between instinct and intellect, complete with desperate battles both physical and mental. This is another solid piece by everyone’s favorite not-a-changeling, and one I regret taking so long to get to.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Hearth Swarming Eve — WHYRTY?
The Iridescent Iron Rat — WHYRTY?
Administrative Angel — WHYRTY?
The Kindest Silence — Pretty Good
If You Can't Beat 'Em… — Worth It
Rash-onality
5,888 Words
By SpitFlame
One unnecessarily bright and cheery morning, Twilight and Starlight have a conversation. Specifically, about the rationality of Starlight’s actions back when she was a villain.
This is SpitFlame we’re talking about, and SpitFlame openly admits that they don’t write anything without the intention of using it to put forward some philosophical ramblings. In this case, the philosophy is largely about how people come to decide on our actions in life. Or something like that. Again, it’s SpitFlame; things are going to get complicated.
This might be hard to follow for some readers, especially when it starts going into “axiomatic presuppositions” and the like. While it sometimes used words I was indeed unfamiliar with, I am pleased to say I never lost the gist of what SpitFlame was trying to say via this dialogue between hero and former villain. This is partially because the narrative is easier to follow than SpitFlame’s usual. For those of you uninitiated, SpitFlame’s writing style tends to be dense in a way that will lose the unprepared reader within a sentence or two. That’s (mostly) not present in this story, and I have to wonder how difficult that was for the author. It certainly paid off, as I consider this one of the author’s more widely accessible stories.
My only serious issue is that sometimes SpitFlame uses phrases that… don’t make sense? I’ll see a set of words, do a double-take, then re-read them and realize they don’t seem to be saying anything at all, as if Discord came in and changed them into something completely unrelated. This isn’t in regards to the philosophy – I understood that fine, or at least I think so – but with the general narrative. “[...]beginning in an access of simple-natured chatter”? Who-wha? I think maybe that was supposed to be “excess”? A proofer/pre-reader might have helped spot these issues.
But overall, I rather liked this one. It’s a little complicated with its philosophical ramblings, but that’s par for the course with this author and nowhere near as hard to follow as what I’ve seen in the past. This is helped by the fact that the story stuck to a particular topic of discussion, rather than dropping and exploring twenty different ones, and I genuinely found this one to be interesting. Well, no, SpitFlame’s topics are usually interesting, but when you’re juggling so many of them at once they all get sort of muddled and lost (the principal issue with their longer works).
I’m not sure how much of an audience this will reach, but if you’re interested in exploring the mental logic behind Starlight’s past actions then you might find something worthwhile here. Neither Twilight nor Starlight speak in this way in the show, but given their respective intellects I can honestly see them having this conversation.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Civil Distinction — Worth It
Don't Look at the Fog — Worth It
Elements of Honor — Worth It
The Confession of an Ardent Heart — Worth It
Apropos of the Sinners — Incomplete
Captain of the Sky
11,462 Words
By bats
Twenty years ago, the world blew up with war as Tirek somehow escaped his prison early. The ground is now entirely lost to his enthralled minions. But Rainbow Dash – though down a wing and with nothing to live for – keeps fighting. She’s the best Hawk pilot in the sky, even if nopony outside the military has ever heard of her.
Set in what the author calls a “dieselpunk” Equestria, this story involves a grim AU where all the people who haven’t been brainwashed by Tirek live in cloud cities and fight back in fighter planes and airships. I at first thought this would be one of the Season 5 alternate timelines, but everything feels wrong for that, so I think it’s just its own AU. I’m also not sure about when Tirek showed up, as Luna has returned but Rainbow seems to have never moved to Ponyville (as shown by how she has no apparent knowledge of her in-show friends).
In the midst of all this, we have Rainbow, who I would guess to be in her late thirties. She flies the Lightning’s Envy, a “hawk” fighter plane, and is widely regarded as the best in the sky. But she’s also eternally unhappy. One day a few weeks before a critical mission she goes on leave and finds herself at a bar where local popular singer/heart throb Sweetie Belle is performing. Then Sweetie comes by to talk to her, with plenty of flirting laced in there for good measure.
That conversation makes up the brunt of the story, to such a degree that it is apparently the whole point. The interesting setting, the new background, the suicide mission Rainbow just got assigned to, it all plays second fiddle to Sweetie connecting with Rainbow Dash on multiple levels in a small bar. Which… You know, I’ve seen fanart depicting this ship, but I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve seen a story address it.
I suppose if I had to nitpick something, it would involve asking why bats felt the need to create this incredibly interesting setting only to push it aside in favor of what amounts to starting an uncommon ship. But bats is a capable enough author to keep the setting critical to the overall conversation between Sweetie and Rainbow, thereby making it an important element of their interest in one another. For that, I’m more than willing to forgive.
All in all, I am pleased. Here we have a story with capable character work, a fascinating setting, and solid pacing. The ending is as satisfying as it is disappointing (in that “but I wanted to see more!” kind of way). If you’d like to see an uncommon ship worked well via an entirely unusual and fantastic Equestrian setting, then this is the story for you.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Spellbound Fireflies — WHYRTY?
The Thinkin' Spot — Pretty Good
It's Elementary, My Dear Rainbow — Worth It
Twilight Holmes: Sabotage After Sunset — Worth It
Stories for Next Time:
Sonata Dusk, Professional Bureaucrat (Changeling Welfare Office) by Mockingbirb
My Little Investigations: The Gemstone Godfather by Metool Bard
Salting Snails by bats
Ravaged by KingdaKa
Please don't do this by Kodeake
The Thrill Of The Hunt by Jessi
A Study in Chartreuse by Serketry
The Pink Side of the Mind by Level Dasher
Children of a Lesser Dragon God Boy Whelp Thingy Guy by The Descendant
Hell on Wheels by SaddlesoapOpera
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Fang and Flame looks WILD.
I've been called for Jury Duty twice. First time, I'd just started an internship where I still work now and that somehow got me out of it. Second time was nearly a year ago, and by pure coincidence coincided with the day I was flying back from UK Ponycon. All I had to do was send proof of my flight details, and boom, got out. Saved having to buy a plane ticket to/from somewhere cheap just for it (a tactic my sister used once to great effect)! I gather it's much harder to uses excuses to get out of it in the US juridical system relative to Ireland, mind (and here, you can get dismissed on most days in just a few minutes anyway).
Either way, sound like you're actually interested and curious to do this, so have a good one!
None of these fics really leap out at me as something I've got to read, though I am always surprised and happy at how much workout that dramatic art of Ember gets as a workout for fic covers. And this time it's for the big boy, horizon's Imposing Sovereigns II winner!
One I'm still wrestling with to read, given the EqG part. Something your praise is making me ever more conflicted about. 
The Girl Who Orbited the Sun did pique my curiosity, but though the strengths sound pretty good the flaws strike me as far too much to wade through 200K+. Just recently I reread an adventure classic for a future review that was rather lacking in quite a few areas to the point it often felt like a slog, and it was only 35K! Not doing that for this length. That's the sad truth about adventure ponyfics (or similar ones with lore and world building even if they are not technically of the adventure genre), though I love that genre of fiction, the hefty length they often demand means issues that break the immersion and make you less engaged can elevate the "get through it" factor a lot. Ah well.
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It's a solid read. Highly unique and very interesting. Certainly one to put in the RiL.
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For what it's worth, I fall into the if part of his review. While 200k+ is pretty meaty, I really liked the story and rate it more highly. Yes, there's some oddness in the Twilight/Celestia interactions but the main part (the story in the past) was very enjoyable and I had a great time with it. (I'll be honest I barely remember the present framing story. It was window dressing, not the core.)
Excuse me? Depending on what counts, you're suddenly disqualifying a huge thematic hook that young authors use to explore relevant themes like puberty, dysphoria, and isolation. Readers eat that shit up, too, and there are even famous children's books that use body horror elements.
To add to this. Gundam is a very specific type of mecha in said anime franchise. And Bandai isn't always consistent in what is and isn't a Gundam either.
Thank you very much for your feedback my Ma'am. As I continue, I will try to not give exact numbers as to avoid inconsistences, get a new image, make the fighst have more impact, try to get an editor, and explain my worldbuilding a bit better. By the way, what was your opinion on how I tried to build up the power of Sunsets main rival, Twilight Sparkle. Did I make Twilight seem like a badass threat or did I overdo it with the praise. ( P.S. I should have explained this better in text but 4,850 + is the number of students in the school itself not the number of people that managed to get into the preliminary round of the tournament(the fight against Celestia disguised as Sunny, Elves in this story have a very powerful healing factor so braking their spines wont Paralyze them, and the situation with Celestia's rules will get explored later on. In the future I will try to explain my worldbuilding better in story.),
I am but a simple man who loves airship.
Looks like I've got another to add to the shelf.
Topic-wise, I'm fortunate that I so far I've only had a jury summons once so far and then ended up not needing to go. I don't wanna be involved in that stuff.
No peremptory challenges have been allowed here (England) for about 35 years now, so the bar is quite high: personally knowing a witness would do it, but being someone one side or the other just doesn't like definitely wouldn't.
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That first bit surprised me! The lifetime chance of being called up for jury service in England & Wales is about 40%, so not many people get called twice at all. (It's over 90% in Scotland, but different legal system of course.) On the other hoof, it's substantially harder to get out of it than it seems to be in Ireland. If you're called up and will be on holiday, you can defer your call-up but will still have to do it in the next year. (You're supposed to provide specific dates when you'll be available.)
So, to ponyfic! Doused Flame is on my RiL list already, as heartlessons is a new(ish) author I've so far had decent experiences with. Not sure any of the others this week really catch my attention, though the final fic by bats is perhaps the most likely candidate. Next week, though, there's a story I've actually read in Hell on Wheels, plus several other authors who I'd hope for good things from. I'll be preparing for UK PonyCon this time next week, but I'll certainly try to get the time to read that blog.
I also managed to evade jury duty twice, first by college and later by moving to a different county. But, looks like third time was the charm for you. Best of luck avoiding selection. Fun fact: in either a Texan or Louisianan suit, especially one regarding insurance or workers' comp, there is an *eeever* so slight chance that I issued the subpoenas for medical and billing records that made it into the case.
(Also, I am really looking forward to the next review post.)
Huh, your past jury duty is precisely the same as mine; exempted once as a college student, called again after I had moved away. I've never actually served, and I've lived here 20 years now. Usually being an engineer gets you booted (they prefer people they can make emotional appeals to over people who want to listen to the facts), but that's mostly what everyone here is, so it doesn't get you off the hook often enough.
One thing I'd caution you about: my workplace has a jury service code you input so that you get paid for the days you're there, but the court system is also set up to provide some small nominal payment. You can't get both, so we have to refuse the payment, or we won't get the paid workday (which is significantly more). So make sure you don't fall into a trap like that, if it might apply to you.
About the guy deleting his story... I was wondering all through your review why someone would take down their story after asking for you to review it, but that explains the timing. Maybe you'd consider putting stories in folders when you post the blog they're in instead of when you finish reading them? It'd head that off, but it's also more fun (for me, at least) to be surprised by your rating rather than know it months in advance.
I've read "Rash-onality" and pretty much agree with everything you said about it, yet that led to me liking it far less than you did. Yes, it's chock full of indecipherable phrasings. I guess you're more predisposed toward liking a philosophical discussion. That would be my assessment as well, that it's probably something the philosophy-minded might enjoy but that isn't too accessible outside that. Because the philosophy is all that's there. The characters demonstrate little emotional investment in what they're saying (Starlight more than Twilight), but in the end, they're so stoic about it that it felt to me like they were arguing a purely academic matter and don't actually care about the outcome. Which makes me wonder why I should. I was mostly bored by it, but at least that aspect is personal taste—it's not like the philosophy is incorrect or dumb.
Oh boy, that Ember fic was fantastic! :D Super remember that one.
Snowed In sounds like it'll be good. And interestingly, your review of Rain Party makes me want to read it so I can find out what you didn't like about the ending. :O
A reasonable question to ask, honestly. I'm pleased you found the setting interesting, as that was my goal with the use of the au, for it to be interesting and brain-tickling in the background of the story, which is ultimately an interpersonal romance rather than a gritty au adventure.
Now, for why I wrote that instead of a gritty au adventure, well, I've got a couple of reasons why. The big one was just that it was the type of story I wanted to write. I like romance stories and wanted to use the strange setting to tell an unusual one with an unusual choice of characters that had heavy dieselpunk and noir inspirations in it. I can and do enjoy writing action stories, but I prefer longer form storytelling for action, and while I very much enjoyed writing Captain of the Sky, I wasn't prepared at the time to devote novel length to the story I was wanting to tell in the setting. Not to say action doesn't work in shorter fiction, it just isn't my preference for writing it.
The other main reason is just that I like the type of speculative fiction that Captain of the Sky is. Speculative fiction short stories historically come in two flavors, those that are high concept and present a Big Idea concisely, which I tend to find to be kinda dry and like they're more sketches than polished pieces, and little character-driven stories that tell a smaller, more human story, while giving little snippets of world-building to make the setting exciting and intriguing, which needless to say, I find much more interesting.
One's mileage may vary, but those are the driving things for me. Overall, I think my goal was fully met in your reading, as leaving a reader wanting more was just what I wanted out of the story. I appreciate your review. ^^
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So someone could, say, get you to read their story by putting "I like this, but the ending is bad" in the shortdesc?
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no, they could get me to read someone else's story by suggesting the ending is bad in a wholly unique and tantalizing way :P
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"Shivered Timbers' new story has an ending that reminds me of the way potato salad would smell fresh out of the washing machine."
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It could certainly qualify for that description, contextually speaking.
Thanks for the review Paul, I always do take your feedback to heart. I do want to write a streamlined story one day—no philosophical ramblings and as accessible to a general audience as possible. I’ve even written the first chapter a while back. I’ll get to it one day.
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New experiences and all that. I like to try out new things, even ones that might be a little unpleasant. Plus I have a lot of patience, so this isn't that big of a deal to me beyond how it might crush my reading/writing schedule.
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To be fair, the amount of the review devoted to the Twilight Sparkle/Celestia conflict can make it seem like a much bigger element of the story than it is. Most everything related to Sunset's part of the story was good, and that took up the vast majority of the story.
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When I think "body horror", colored stripes, growing feathers, and becoming a room isn't what comes to mind. Rather, "body horror" is The Thing or The Human Centipede, or The Fly. If I were to think of literature, the first story that comes to mind is Brian Evenson's The Brotherhood of Mutilation.
Doing a tiny bit of research, I now realize that a lot of people refer to certain things as "body horror" that aren't even remotely qualified for the term in my mind. But I suppose if you want to go into the exact definition of the individual terms then I could nod my head and acknowledge a broader meaning based on technicality alone. Not accept, but at least acknowledge.
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I'm not sure you understand what I meant. When I say 'impact' I meant in terms of emotional investment for the reader, not making them even more over the top than they already are. You might have understood that, but I wasn't sure so I thought I'd clarify.
When literally every character is a badass, nobody is. That's where I fear you're going with all of this, even if unintentionally. But since you stated outright that Twilight beat Celestia, I think you've established all you needed to.
So Celestia was teaching magic kindergarten to the entire student body in a single classroom, an entire student body comprised of the greatest magical minds in the history of the nation?
This is still a problem.
This is also a problem. When your characters can just heal whatever damage they receive, nothing threatens them, and if nothing threatens them then it doesn't matter how over-the-top ridiculous you make your fight scenes, there's no reason for a reader to get invested in said fight scenes. There's no sense of struggle or effort, everyone's a badass by default, and if anything bad does happen, who cares? They'll just heal it anyway.
Fights aren't interesting because a person can throw fireballs, bounce from wall to wall, and can break someone else's spine with ease. Fights are interesting because fire is agonizing beyond belief (from one who knows), our bodies have physical limitations, and nobody wants to spend the rest of their lives paralyzed from the waist down. There's no sense of danger, no concept of consequences.
Now, I'll grant there are ways to work around this. It is absolutely possible to have this healing factor be a thing and still make the fights interesting. But that's going to require you making some very careful decisions regarding what threatens Sunset and the other elves. More importantly, you need to set boundaries and establish them very early, which is to say, what can't this ability heal, is it always turned on or can it only do so much, does the healing come at some cost to the healer? Limitations are the key to making any ability worth including in a story. Make sure you know what they are and, most importantly, stick to them.
All that said, I'm glad you're taking the negative review so well! If you can indeed find ways to fix the issues, then I will applaud you. Good luck with it.
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I've been trying to get more into other reviewer's works, including Louder Yay. Alas, I keep neglecting to check it for new material, thus I completely missed that you positively reviewed Coco Powder earlier (thanks, by the way!). I really need to make a habit of checking it more often.
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That's really more my fault, since my intention is to leave a courtesy comment on any fic I review within a week. For various reasons I've got a bit behind recently and haven't yet caught up. And you're welcome; it was an enjoyable read.
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I dunno, I'm salaried so it might not matter. I'll be sure to ask and they'll probably tell me to just waive the federal payment, which is fine.
I've considered this in the pat, and I actually did do it for the Estee blog in the name of not revealing which stories of hers I'd chosen to review. I suppose it wouldn't be much of an issue to make it a permanent thing. Alternatively, I could save the cover art as soon as I start reading the story, which would also prevent stuff like this from happening, but I like the first option more.
Actually, I would say I liked it more because I've read a lot of SpitFlame's library and this one felt the most widely accessible, even if only in terms of understanding it's overarching point.
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I'm tempted to simply tell you, but perhaps that would be unsporting of me. Heck, you might love the twist!
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In that case, congrats on achieving exactly what you set out to do!
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I recall you once saying you didn't really like writing in what I would deem a more "accessible" manner, though, and I fully support that. After all, I like to think we should write for ourselves first.
But if you ever do write that fic you mention, feel free to let me know!
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Well it's not like I'd write anything I didn't personally like or find interesting, it'd be something I'd really want to do. I don't think being accessible has to mean bad or dumbed down or whatever. I really do have to re-watch the show though, at least the first 2-3 seasons, since when I'm writing, say, the Mane 6, I find myself working off of memory and nothing else.
But yeah I'd def let you know if I get around to publishing (let alone completing) it.
I've been summoned for jury duty three times. The first time I was out of state, going to college. Excused. The second time was similar: in college, excused.
The third time, however, was during Covid. Better yet, it was again a summons in my home state, which I hadn't lived in or claimed residency in for years. I dutifully got on the website, followed their instructions, and indicated that I felt I was to be excused from jury duty because I didn't live in the state, my residency in another state entirely, and that my home state itself had even made this quite clear. I gave copies of the state's own determination of this fact (Alaska really keeps a close eye on if you're a resident or not and had effectively "evicted" me during my college years), proof of current address, etc.
I got an amusing hand-tailored response that "they" would accept my "excuse" this time, but that next time I'd better be ready to serve no matter what.
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I'm salaried as well, but we still have to account for our time against projects or things like vacation/sick time. It's worth contacting your HR folks to see what the rules are for you. It may be that if you accept the court's payment, your workplace makes up the difference, so it doesn't matter. Or it may be if you accept the payment, you won't get your salary at all for that day. We're the latter, so I have to decline payment from the court.
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Good point. I guess I'll look into it.
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Heh, right. I hope they're willing to pay your travel expenses "next time", then.
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Interestingly enough, the state does offer compensation for travel, seeing as most jury summons can be hundreds of miles from where you live. In this case it would be thousands, but I'll admit it would be really tempting to purchase a $1800 plane ticket, fly to the capital, then explain to the judge that I don't have residency there anymore and make the state foot the bill. Save that I'm certain they'd try to weasel out of it in every way possible.
The secret is to shout, "HANG HIM!" at the first opportunity. Bonus points if it's not actually a "him".
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Unfortunately, I don't think I can use the whole "with this gal we can be heard all the way in New Orleans or maybe Galveston!" line.