Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the program. Of course, we all love and enjoy eating, but sometimes we can't eat too much. Food fills you up like NO BUSINESS and sometimes it can fucking make you explode like SHIT. Or something less vulgar. But the point is, you can't never not eat too much, sir. No.

So what do you do if you're achin' for some delicious psudeo pasta but you don't want to cook too much?

Well that's simple. Just cook one noodle.

Here's how!

Of course, first of all you must identify what sort of noodle you wish to be eating. Since I'm a horrible Asian, I must live up to stereotypes and eat some delicious packet noodle, or what you white people call 'Ramen'. It is not Ramen. Not every freaking dried noodle is Ramen. Please lern2noodle. K? There's like at least 24 different kinds of noodle, just like how Fusilli is not Spaghetti is not Tagliatelle. Alright? Let's get this clear.

So you pick your stupid Asian spaghetti. It doesn't matter which one. They're all the same.

For the purposes of this tutorial I have chosen "Maggi Chicken Flavour", named because it tastes exactly like licking a live chicken named Maggi.

Here are the contents of the packet, laid out for your perusal. Just in case you wanted to compare with your packet of noodles, just to see if all the bits are the same. If you're missing any parts like the fake powder flavour packet of MSG or the actual 'noodle cake' itself, you should call the company immediately and yell at them for 3 seconds before they hang up on you.

Separation WILL occur during shipping, and small breakages/damages are common. You ought to also compare the writing on the MSG packet to make sure that you are, indeed, eating the flavour that you have bought. This doesn't matter in the long run because all of them taste vaguely of salt and nothing much else, but it's the principle of the thing.

With a fork, gently tease apart the dried bits of the noodle. This is the trickiest and most important step. Failure to be gentle will result in breakage, and you will end up with two half noodles, which clearly will not do. Also, if you don't pull off the rest, you'll result with some sort of horrible mutant noodle with other noodly bits attached to it, and like a baby with an extra head, you want to avoid it or at least throw it in the trash at earliest convenience.

With your ultimate Asian fork powers, prise out one single noodle from the cake, making sure to keep it intact. The longest noodles will provide you with the best sustenance. It has been proven by science(tm).

28 minutes later, and success. Hold up your trophy triumphantly as your mobile phone's camera takes a blurry picture of it because it is more interested in the bottle of olive oil in the background.

Set a pot of water on the boil. You have to make sure that it's boiling, not gently rumbling or sitting there stark cold. You can tell that it's boiling if it's moving around a bit and sort of blobbing up like if you farted in the bath. Have you ever farted in the bath before? That's exactly the same as boiling water. This has been proven by science(tm).

With incredible Asian finesse, lower your single dried noodle into the boiling water slowly and carefully, using a 4-tined fork. 4 tines are necessary. 3 is far too few and 5 is right out. Make sure you don't simply drop the noodle into the water, as the chemical reaction might make your house explode.

Gently Simmer for approximately 21 minutes. That is exactly the time it takes to watch an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on your mobile phone! How amazing. Remember to keep watch over the pot in case the fire crawls up the side of the pot and disappears through the roof. This has known to happen in houses with a high magic threshold. Just ask Twilight. She would know. Regularly does her personal fires extinguish and run away, especially when she sees Pinkie Pie, and realise she is entirely inadequate as a pony.

Oh, Twilight, when will you act on your forbidden feelings? When will you take the chance and go for what you realise is true love? When will you bury your nose inside of-

Oh yes, the noodle will be done after all your disgusting sexual fantasies involving your OTP or whatever you feel like horning up that day.

Once you have drained the noodles of the water, lay it out in a nice pleasing pattern on the plate. Presentation is everything. The Japanese philosophy of food is that we eat with our eyes first, and then our other bits. If you are a baby, rarely is this the mouth. If you are an American, you might take it literally and attempt to stuff the hot dog into your eye socket, which is why Americans are never taught to eat with their eyes. If you are Ethiopian, you probably wouldn't be able to get food at all, so this point is moot.

But as I am a dirty Asian, and all Asians are the same, I have adopted the Japanese philosophy of carefully laying out the noodle in a relatively straight line along the plate, making sure that it is slightly askew to the design on the plate itself, so as to cause a bit of interesting draw to the convergence point of the flowers.

Actually, I had meant to make it parallel, but I sort of bumped the plate and I couldn't get it to work after that.

That is why you must never bump your plates when plating food, chefs. Learn from my horrible mistakes.

You can never be too generous with your garnish.

Congratulations! You have cooked your very first noodle. Now eat it, and relish in its ketchupy goodness. Wash it down with a bit of olive oil, then go out and buy yourself a hamburger if you're still feeling a bit peckish.

This has been another rousing episode of Cookin' Wit' Kitsune. Please stay tuned for more cooking fun!

Or you know, keep an eye out for the stories. I'm sure that's what you're here for, really.