The Most Dangerous Fic Recs: July 7th! · 10:46pm Jul 7th, 2014
OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM DONE
The Most Dangerous Game Contest produced sixty-five entries. Let me say that again: sixty-five entries. That’s 403,646 words, averaging over 6200 words per entry. D: I used the brief review format but it didn't matter; this took goddamn forever and I never want to do it again. Anyway, expect lots of second-person, alicorn OCs, seventh Elements of Harmony, humans in Equestria, and canon x OC romance. And some of them are even good stories! (Apologies for any typos or whatnot in my reviews, I'm not reading them back over, there are too goddamn many.)
Not Recommended: 25
Vaguely Recommended: 9
Conditionally Recommended: 13
Recommended: 12
Highly Recommened: 5
Outlier by FanOfMostEverything: A human shows up in Equestria and decides to do nothing, for fear of doing something wrong. The human edges up on being what John Perry would call a SQUID, mostly by virtue of wise-cracking, but aside from spouting references to fanfics, is tolerable. Not much happens in this, but the conversation is worth reading, and I’ll be darned if this isn’t HiE done well. C, if you don’t mind fandom references
Look at that! I never start off these mega-contest reviews with something positive! :D
The Magnificance of Pinkamina Diane Pie by The_Weatherbug: You have a front-row seat to Pinkie starting an earth pony revolution, basically just a long headcanon dump. I’m letting the AU tag cover Pinkie being the one to do this, but that still leaves this as a completely unbelievable setup. Maybe sometime after the Unification, this kind of thing would have been possible, but not after a thousand years of peace and harmony. Contains typos, tense shifts and poor wording, and I don’t know who I am. N
To Love the Sun by Magello (Read by Me!): A five-prompter! I’ve never seen second person used so well. The accusational tone of the narration really pulled me into the story. The difference with most 2P fics, I think, is that the narrator was reacting to what “I” had done, rather than just spelling it out to me. Not perfectly written — sticklers for Celestia characterization may find her a tad heartless, and what happens in the middle is a bit confusing — but definitely worth the read if you want to see this contest in action. H
Remember Vigil by Supersnot (Reading by Scribbler, VisualPony and Emogak): Twilight delves an ancient, forgotten ruin for the cure to a curse. Writing is decent, but the first-person narrator is horrifically cryptic and the editing breaks down over time. OC alicorn is actually a decent character, and well used. Best part of this is the scenery, there’s a very good vibe of “ancient and powerful” running through everything. I’m very pleased that what Twilight found is not revealed. C, if you don’t mind crypticness and poor editing
And That’s How Equestria Was Made… by Dusty the Royal Janitor: Mythic origin story starting off with a quartet of alicorns. Unfortunately, one of them is Faust, and reading detailed descriptions of her giving birth to Celestia made me somewhat uncomfortable. Less subjectively, the language in this is often times horribly overwrought (“Where’er”), and it takes a lot of liberties with canon, stuffing far too many things into the story to keep track of. (What the hell is a “Cuddle Cat”?) The shifts back and forth between epic and silly, to unfortunate effect. Those not interested in creation myth headcanon dumps may want to skip this. V
The King in the Mountain by Carabas (Reading by Scribbler, et. al.): Celestia visits her brother in Tartarus. He’s… not nice. Nor a terribly interesting character, unfortunately. Writing is average, though Celestia feels off character. Some decent headcanon at play, at least. V
Foals by Scarheart76: Celestia gives birth to twins. Also, there are ambassadors from human countries around. I’ve never seen a story play hopscotch with its ideas before, but the way this zips from one thought to the next without deliberation is really offputting. Nothing is explained, not to mention the story keeps repeating itself. The way the pregnancy is treated is also… icky. The humor is clunky and almost entirely out of place. I really can’t get behind this one. (It’s apparently meant as the first chapter of many, which is… not a great idea for a contest entry.) N
And that was my 1000th fic review! I wish it hadn't happened in this monster journal. D:
The Young Filly and the Sea by Georg: Little Twilight goes to the beach and, banished from her books by the odious Cadence, makes friends with a colt who’s just as big a nerd as she is. There are, of course, echoes through time, and the adorableness radiates off this story in waves. The colt has the benefit of all his knowledge being in one particular area, as opposed to Twilight’s broad general learning. My only real complaint was a certain overuse of “buck” as a swear word, especially when Twilight’s a filly. Well, and I do wish the denouement had been longer. Some nice juicy romance would have done this well, but unfortunately we just see the building blocks. Still a decent read. R
Servant of Chaos by Yukito: A pony recounts how she was turned into an alicorn by Discord, and how this ruined her life. Fairly plain, and hits all the cliches of sadfic. Also, the author mixes up “salon” and “saloon”. N
Weeping Fire by Civviq Writer: This is precisely why second-person tense is bad. The narrator is knowingly speaking to the reader, and dictating things they see and feel, complete with ‘your’ thoughts. It’s also confusing as all get-out and feels like a crackfic, which were forbidden in this contest, darnit. Not to mention the plot is just about the most basic “you go to Equestria” ever. The unambiguous Mary Sue alicorn OC doesn’t help. N
Eternal Love by BumbleFlow: Oh dear. The author obviously has problems with English, and this is a very poor story to boot. :( I can’t read this. DNF: 1/4
Awakening by Razalon the Lizardman: You wake up in Equestria, in a room full of bodies. I appreciate the attempt to turn the HiE trope on its head, but this goes a little overboard with the grimdark and ends up feeling parodic. N
Trial by Flower by AugieDog: Having just read Cold in Gardez’s journal about his entry, this story brings to mind the “it could have been first or third-person” argument. Granted, this is good, I don’t deny that, and it’s one of those where “you” is an established character. It’s like role-playing, that way: you learn who you are and what you do and then watch the story unfold through that character’s eyes. Unfortunately, while the ‘you’ character in this story stands out among the litany of bad second-person fics (why did his name change? :O), he’s horrifically overshadowed by the other characters and the events he’s embroiled in. And this could have been first person. It’s still definitely worth reading, if only for the OC x canon romance. C, if you don’t mind second person
The Hunter’s Story by Borg (Reading by Scribbler, et. al.): Written by a human who captures colts and fillies to sell back on Earth, this has a bit of a melodramatic tone yet presents an idea I’ve not seen before. It’s altogether competent, and I like the heavy reliance on a language barrier between species. There’s an almost willful viewpoint on the part of the humans to see the ponies as non-intelligent, or at least not as intelligent as people, and it makes for a nicely lopsided tale. Of course, if you’re not up for a round of humans being generally awful, this probably won’t float your boat, and it does feature a lengthy scene of our POV character getting to know everyone in Ponyville. But aside from that, I enjoyed it, for what it’s worth. C, if you like AUs
Two Roaming Souls by Belligerent Sock (Reading by Scribbler, et. al.): At an unspecified point in the future, a grown-up, badass Spike travels an unspecified area of Equestria with a human child, looking for a witch. If that description doesn’t make you want to read this, I don’t know what to tell you. Granted, this is rather far removed from the show, feeling like more of a low-fantasy adventure than anything. Tons of great imagery, Spike works well as the strong, serious type, and a good part of the fun, is deciphering the anagrams Renee speaks in. It totally passes one of my tests, though I shan’t say which for spoilers. The only real problem I have is this feels like chapter one and there’s no more. Curses! R
The Third Alicorn by Monokeras: Epic worldbuilding told by the brother of Celestia and Luna, who were all there for it. I now know that “nould” used to be a word, which is an offhanded way to criticise the author for trying to show off their smarts. The third alicorn, interestingly, is Fate, and in some ways also Death, but the way he’s presented only reinforces why “alicorn OC” was a prompt for this contest. (Consider the power level of those two forces compared to raising the sun and moon.) Also, Celestia’s rather a bit off. That said, the way this vision of Fate works is altogether interesting, and so is the plot once it gets going, so I can’t pan this story wholly. C, if you don’t mind overblown language
Red Tornado by Alaborn: The titular Prince accepts the surrender of the griffin armies. Said Prince is… kind of ridiculous. I mean, he’s an alicorn, he’s got a super-complex cutie mark that he was born with, and just look at his name. But the dialogue elevates this beyond its cruddy conceptions, and being at the end of the war, I can stomach the ideas set forth in it. There’s also some intriguing world-building, and what happens to Red Tornado to explain his absence in modern canon goes a long way to excusing his existence. And, well, the writing is just good all-around. Give it some leeway on the setup and you may be surprised. R
The Janitor Named Dustbowl by MrAlbum321: A not-so-average day in the life of a hidden alicorn who is a janitor. This piece does itself no favors with a very pat opening and lengthy descriptions of janitorial duties, but what really turned me off is how Earth-analogue it is. Other than Dustbowl’s issues with his wings, this could just be a story about a guy working at Walmart. The writing is kind of flat, which doesn’t help anything. N
In Times of Need by Pascoite (Reading by Scribbler, et. al.): A human is called by Princess Luna to fulfill a prophecy. But it’s probably not the kind of prophecy you want to fulfill. This moves fast, and it’s easy to miss the important stuff because there’s a lot going on. The HiE trope is elevated into world-building, and though I’d criticise the “here’s what happened” denouement, the explanation is really intriguing, presenting some very original ideas. This has some great action beats as well, and of course the writing is above reproach. R
I Ain’t Your Sacrifice by Dragor: An red and black alicorn tries to escape his fate as a sacrifice for the resurrection of Sombra. The writing really lets this down. The dialogue is the worst part; this is the first time I’ve actually gotten lost in a story because of talking heads. Most of the rest is expository, and the main character doesn’t sound like a foal in the least. I’m not sure what the ending was about, either. N
Johnny Never Knew What Hit Him by Horse Voice: I wonder why “soldier in Equestria” isn’t a phrase used the same way as “Brony in Equestria”. It’s certainly the one other major HiE subgroup. Anyway, Horse Voice took up the contest’s challenge, using four out of the five prompts to tell the story of a British World War II soldier brought to Equestria to become an alicorn in order to fight a phenomenal evil. Throughout, a certain lingering doubt in the back of our character’s mind keeps the narrative on edge. It also starts off with the best “adjusting to new world/body” scene I’ve ever read, though large portions of time-skip necessitating filling in of gaps work against it. And, well, be warned, this is pretty dark, but it does justice to the prompts, which, I guess, should come as no surprise. R
Ascension by BlazzingInferno: Great idea behind this: a pony ascending to Princesshood being a bad thing for them. Furthermore, the author didn’t make that the only story going on; Cloud Walker is a decent character, and her status as former Mayor of Cloudsdale really comes through in her dealings with others. That said, the writing isn’t perfect, mostly a little fast-paced, but with some typos as well. Still, this is a very pleasant read. C, if you don’t need your writing perfect
Tainted Reflection by Imperaxum: Unfortunately, the first chapter of this is a lengthy retelling of Too Many Pinkie Pies that, yes, does give us a good look at how our main character’s thought processes are going to work, but is ultimately way longer than was necessary to set the scene. The plot focuses on one of Pinkie’s clones being returned to life and trying to find her way in the world. She runs into a griffon ambassador in short order, and this is followed by a lot of world-building shoehorned into a small number of words. The griffins are at least decent characters, and the ideas here are interesting, but the writing needs some polish and overall, this just needs more. V
Sir. Lancealot the 1st by Leonardo Oliver Osborn: So this is actually the MDGC’s “lost entry”. I can’t remember the last time I saw a story so poorly written. The narrative meanders off to whatever the author happened to be thinking about at the time, the writing is flat and completely telling, the premise is completely ridiculous, stuff just happens because, and everything is overwrought. Wasn’t worth waiting for. N
Wander by Jet Howitzer: Some ponies find a human in Canterlot and take him to see the Princess. This is unfortunately just an introduction to the human character and feels more or less like the first chapter to something longer. The writing is decent, though it seems to get better as it goes. I’ll say that the human is an alright character, as are the two guardsponies who find him. But the thing that really baffles me is the inclusion of the Babelfish. Sure, it’s called an “Adams Fish”, but that’s a blatant reference. And given how much this story prevaricates over explaining every little detail of how everything works, I can’t help feeling like removing the language barrier would have sped things up just a bit. C, if you don’t mind weird references
Our Little Accident by JMac (Reading by ABagOfVIcodin): You know, if Twilight and Cadence didn’t exist as alicorns, this story might hold up. But as it stands, the alicorn Good Fortune whose birth occurs at the beginning is just a Mary Sue. He’s super-good at everything in ways the two elevated alicorns are not. And it’s a shame, because, despite some talking heads, the first scene with his parents is pretty fun. It doesn’t matter what happens to him, his precociousness is irritating and the story is dull for it. N
Omega-7 by KaBar41: A futuristic human force lands in Equestria, answering a distress call. There are some interesting ideas here (the chant of “So no other planet suffers like Mother Terra” was compelling, and I like how the author handled the language barrier), but this needs to slow down and explore them more in-depth. On top of that, this is full of typos, talking heads, and tense shifts. Plus, it starts off by saying that parts of it come from head-mounted cameras, but the narrative itself doesn’t support that. N
And the Prairie Grass Blew by Avid_Reader: A story of young Granny Smith meeting and falling in love with a stallion. This would be really great if the author had gone back over it. I can’t help but feel like errors in the characters’ names could have been caught with vigilance. In some ways, I can’t help but feel like this was written by two people, the prose of the first-person scenes featuring Quick Apple being stronger than that of Granny’s third-person scenes. Still, the characters are both well-realized, the romance is enjoyable, and this paints a lovely, easy picture of early Ponyville life; it just needs some major polish. Still, I can testify to it being a good story at heart because I was disappointed by how abruptly it cuts off, obviously a victim of the contest deadline.V
Those Forgotten by shinygiratinaz (Reading by Scribbler: A (red and black) alicorn awakens in his prison after a timeless slumber, body and mind worn and drawn. Unfortunately, the bulk of the story is from his perspective, and not much goes on besides convenient narrative flashbacks. All the ‘meat’ is right at the end, and the setup just doesn’t give it any weight. I’ll say this for the writing, though: I’ve read stories by this author before, and it’s obvious they’ve improved since then, but it still has some issues, like hedged imagery and its/it’s confusion. N
In the Place the Wild Horses Sleep by Lucky Dreams (Reading by me!): I’m pleased this is in the contest, because I saw it in EQD’s pre-reading queue and was compelled to check it out, yet didn’t before someone else posted it on the blog. I’m pleased I got to read it, because it is without a doubt the best thing I have ever read. It’s the best children’s fic since Going Up. It’s the most magical story since Gobbling and Other Traditional Pursuits. It’s The Midnight Run as a children’s story, with the weirdness removed so that the pure joy and wonder can shine through. I had a reason last night to contemplate what makes children’s stories work, how magic and mysticism simply exist, and how the things that are important to us as children are not the same things that are important to us as adults. (Reading the story in the journal up there made me realize that Neil Gaiman must have a really solid grasp of the child’s mindset; that’s the kind of thing I’m talking about.) This story embodies all of those things. It’s about appreciating what you have and learning that dreams are only that. In other words, it’s about growing up. It’s gorgeous and uplifting and it’s the kind of the story that makes me want to stop writing, not out of some misguided and self-centered notion of never being able to write anything as good, but because this is the pinnacle of My Little Pony fanfiction. This is both apotheosis and raison d’etre. We have been the million chimpanzees slapping out word after word on our million typewriters, reflecting and analyzing and regurgitating and refocusing our own efforts so that this piece of incomparable literature could be created. To continue past it would be to sully it somehow (yet, continue we shall). When I’ve finally left the fandom behind, I can rest easy knowing that it was all worth it, because this story exists. I cannot praise this highly enough. H: 15
A Sparkling Gem by Havok SCOUT: And in the category of “following a tough act”, you are an incognito alicorn living in Ponyville during a rash of pony disappearances. My goodwill toward the story unfortunately waned as it continued. The opening is bland, but I felt that laying out everything about our POV character was actually a good move, allowing the reader to say, “Oh, so that’s who I’ll be today.” The character was pleasant and the writing decent. That all starts to go downhill in part two. The editing breaks down, Twilight is very much out of character and the villain is ridiculously overpowered and cartoonish, not to mention our name changes at the end of chapter one. What doesn’t change is the rather perfunctory romance between “you” and Twilight. Everything wraps up too quickly, and the dialogue just gets worse and worse. A shame, because other than having no reason to be in second-person, this started out rather promising. N
Beneath Harmony by Rootbeer Dew: You’re an alicorn, one of seven and the only one not tasked with an Element of Harmony, because you will be the vessel in which the greatest evil the world has ever seen is sealed away. This story has some good ideas in it, but it very much feels like a first outing. Paragraphs are single sentences, events happen lightning-fast, and there’s not a lot of thought put into the characters. I appreciate it for what it is, I think the author definitely has potential, but the casual reader won’t be interested in this. N
Halfway point!
Happily Ever After… by spideremblembrony: After being attacked by a mysterious cloud, four of the mane six end up in an alternate Equestria. It’s a good setup with a fun mystery, but while the plot is enjoyable, the writing just isn’t there. Despite being the second-longest entry in the contest, this moves way too fast, yet somehow takes forever to get where it’s going. There’s a long section where every paragraph starts with “Applejack”. A lot of the characters feel superficial and the romance is… unconvincing. I’ll say this, though: this is how you create a completely original setting in derivative fiction and still have it qualify as fanfic. If you prefer story over style, check this out. V
You Are a King by Kalash93: Like the title says, you are a king, ruling a vast and empty kingdom. Again, the very telly start seems to benefit second-person, and in this case, the prose has something of an epic fairy-tale feel to it, which fits even better. Unfortunately, the tableau starts breaking down when Celestia shows up, as the dialogue lacks any strength and afterward, the narration is less welcome. It’s unfortunate, because the opening scene paints a lovely picture of a sad, tragic figure, this goes on too long without adding much to that. V
For Whom We Are Hungry by Cold in Gardez (Reading [part 1] by Illya Leonov): A floridly-prosed story told through the eyes of a starving, desperate changeling. This time, instead of being told who we are, we are told what it is we need. We are not so much a character as a force of id. The language and style of the narration actually helps with setting this up to work in second-person, because the overall sense is “you must do this, you have no other choice”. This is also quite possibly the best changeling fic I’ve ever read, and he packs a lot of really original world-building into it. And oddly, I stopped parsing it as second-person after about two chapters. I’m not sure if I should hold that in the story’s favor, but whatever. This is a fantastically-written piece about unlikely friendships and redemption, and fans of Gardez’s work will notice lots of shout-outs to his other stories. H
Everything Will Be Fine… by Peppy Greyskull: This is an unfortunate combination of “seen it before” and “not much here”. A woman tries to save a girl from a car accident, they both get hit and wind up in Equestria. The only conflict comes from our POV character’s knowledge of fairy tale unicorns telling her that they’re really bloodthirsty. Celestia comes and sets up to let them know what happened, but that information is never revealed to the reader. The ending is so ambiguous that this feels unfinished. The writing is decent, so it has that going for it, at least. N
Succession by archonix: This story requires a lot of the reader. We see Twilight as a Queen more than a thousand years in the future, cold and nearly unrecognizable, ruling Equestria on her own and taking a young alicorn from her family by royal fiat. The writing, thankfully, makes all of this easy to swallow; this is excellent prose, and perfectly paced. Even when I wasn’t too keen on what was going on, just reading this was a pleasure. It doesn’t fall into common future fic problems, giving us snatches of the past fifteen hundred years, and even some cameos, while focusing on the characters and the story, leaving the rest to the imagination. Regardless of how in character she is, the tension between Twilight and Morning Glory is just wonderful. Furthermore, I like how subtly archonix has tried to subvert common alicorn OC tropes, I mean really getting into the spirit of this contest. Morning Glory has stupidly powerful magic, and a unique talent never before seen in Equestria, and these are problems. That’s the key there. People with a low tolerance for AU — I compare this favorably to The Archer and the Smith on that account — will likely balk at this piece, but do try giving it a chance. I think you’ll be rewarded. R
Home by KitsuneRisu (Reading by Scribbler and ABogOfVicodin): I’ve never seen an author on this site so perfectly capture human nature. Well, a human’s nature. The main character of this story is so thoroughly unlikeable that he’s a delight to read, until you realize you’ve met him, or perhaps even that you are him, at least in part, and then it’s real. This is brilliant, cutting fandom commentary and I want a list of anyone who sympathizes with this character, because I want to avoid them for the rest of my life. Come read about Travis’s shitty life and his visits to Equestria and marvel at how a twisted mind can twist the show’s message. It’s brilliant. H
Special, Deluxe Special by DeluxeMagnum69: This author decided to go for all five prompts and then some. Second-person self-insert: just think about that for a minute. Unfortunately, this has… issues. It reads like word salad in spots. The second paragraph has ‘you’ masturbating to ponies. If this were just a trollfic I had stumbled upon randomly, I might appreciate it. But it goes entirely against the spirit of this contest and.. I just… what? DNF: 1/7
Entertainment for Immortals by Saakra: A guy in the middle of some other story gets hijacked and sent to Equestria by Discord. Good in medias res opening, and a well-written Discord, but unfortunately the writing is pretty basic and the plot involves the main character being forced to act like an asshole for Discord’s entertainment. This was really not a good idea, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why the guy’s name is “Omnispar”. N
The Price of Harmony by Quill Scratch: Snippets of your life as an alicorn living with Zecora and your human father. Though this doesn’t make the best use of second-person, there’s honestly some interesting stuff in it. Unfortunately, the POV character is not one of them, generally being a sadsack with your standard litany of outcast fantasies who goes through meeting young versions of a lot of the main characters and, I am sorry to say, ends up a Mary Sue by the end. N
Fingers by WiseFireCracker: A pianist wakes up as a pony in Equestria is rather understandably distraught at the loss of his fingers. This gets a little heavy-handed, no pun intended, and the writing isn’t the strongest I’ve seen. But the author really captures the mindset of this character, and the ending is really satisfying. Ultimately, it’s a worthy entry into the litany of “trying to do HiE better”, and thus succeeds at what this contest set out to do. R
Union by John B (Reading by Scribbler and The Living Couch): Lengthy snapshot of an unnamed unicorn enjoying his relationship with Twilight. For most of this story, nothing really happens, the reason being that it all comes down to a twist at the end that earn this story its Dark tag. That did a lot to improve it in my eyes, but I’ll warn you, it’s a bit of a drag to get to that point. The one thing that does stand out to me though is how he keeps referring to her as his “mistress”. This character is not, from what I can tell, already married, nor employed as a servant, nor in a BDSM relationship with her, so I can’t really figure what that’s all about. C, if you don’t mind a trip to get to the good stuff
Rarity Dates Prince Nightshade by Dream Volt: This starts off on the wrong foot, a contest entry that’s very connected to an existing series. Admittedly, I didn’t have a lot of issue with it, but I know that will turn some off. More likely to turn readers off are the run-on sentences, expository dialogue, talking heads and the most distracting indentations I have ever come across. Honestly, I don’t even know what it is, but those indents drove me up a wall. And then there’s Nightshade, who is Chrysalis’s son, a member of some spy agency, and very explicitly Rarity’s love interest from the start. DNF 3/5
Prologue: A New Life by Super_Big_Mac: I’ve seen this setup on Tumblr: someone who was born to be a Main Character and spends their life trying to avoid the classic anime tropes that get Main Characters embroiled in plotlines. Unfortunately, the express purpose of a story being to lampoon tropes makes it something of a bore to read. I mean, this is amusing, but only to a point. If you’re not into anime at all, you’re definitely going to want to skip this, and if you are? YMMV. V
Far from the Tree by Aquaman (Reading by Scribbler): Applejack comes face-to-face with the fact that her little sister is growing up. (Sidenote: It’s odd how pure ‘canon x OC’ seems to be the one prompt least explored in this contest. Most of the romances have had some other element with them.) This is a great Mamajack story, wherein she faces down the usual hysterical reaction to finding a boy in bed with one’s charge and proceeds to the confrontation with a rational, if slightly drunk, head. This is a look at the passage of time, and with it, Applejack’s character. Plus, Chip is a great character and the romance is handled very well (removing Apple Bloom from the narrative was a good choice). This is really great, don’t pass it up, especially if you’re a fan of the Apples. R
Fairy Tale Garden by Missy Angel: The interesting bit in this is that ‘you’, having come to Equestria via unknown methods, aren’t too keen on going back. There are three angles to this. Looking at the HiE, well, the conflict I mention above is intriguing, the human herself not so much. She’s kind of snarky, her dialogue jumps around and she’s a bit melodramatic as well. The second-person is handled well; again, I find that it takes a certain tone of narration to make it work, and there’s a certain fairy tale quality to this, at least in the outset, that helps. (Granted, it still could have been third or first.) As for the seventh Element, well, the setup is interesting, but I can’t help feel it could have been done with a pony character just as well. That said, there’s a good lesson at the end of this, and Twilight is a good character to bounce off this human. C, if you don’t mind snarky protags
A Brush With Beauty by Burraku_Pansa (Reading by Scribbler, et. al.): A young man winds up in Equestria, and it doesn’t quite sit right with him. I connected with this character almost immediately. He talks his dreams right off the bat, about how he feels like he has to get used to ordinariness in his life. That’s probably this story felt so depressing. At least it’s got a happy ending. It’s also wonderfully written — the descriptions of what’s wrong with Paul’s perception in Equestria would have been very confusing with less thought put into them — and as a bonus, fits into my HiE headcanon, so there’s that. This is another one worth reading! R
The Shaman by SkyGuy7_13: It’s not a good sign when telling issues appear in the description. This is telly, it moves too fast, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, Twilight and Celestia are both out of character, and the events described are done so with the barest of thought behind them. I’m hardly in a position to criticise someone for starting their story at the last minute, but this just did not turn out well. N
Mush Story by Dafaddah (Sequel to Tooth and Nail): And once again, someone writes a story for a contest that is a sequel to something else. I decided to plunge in, and I feel like, if I hadn’t, questions like “What about Equestria Girls?” wouldn’t have come to mind. That said, this does fill in its own backstory pretty well, so following the plot was easy enough. Twilight is body-swapped with a human girl to establish diplomatic contact with Earth. This is certainly an interesting take on an alternate EQG-style scenario. The humans being prepared for Twilight showing up leaves most of the conflict in the realm of Twilight getting used to being human. That said, it does go through a lot of the motions of the movie — yes, including the romance — and while generally more interesting than it, I feel I’ve already been through this story once. Given the speed at which things pass, focused mostly on the romance instead of the interplanetary trade agreements, I wonder if this sequel had been planned, and writing it for the contest required a reduction in wordcount. Anyway, the writing lacks something and the romance moves too quickly to really have any effect. Plus, it ends up being human x pony by the end, and I have nothing kind to say to those stories.N
Time & Disregard by RazgrizS57: I absolutely adore the title characters; who would think to make “disregard” the opposite of time? And their characters set this up to be a beautifully tragic piece as they float unseen through the day-to-day of Equestria. It’s not a perfect story, suffering from some glaring word choice issues, but it’s really a wonderful read with a very different take on sort-of creation stories and definitely one of the best alicorn OC entries I’ve read. R
Strangely Familiar by Silent Strider: I really like the idea of a human being in Equestria having consequences. This story packs a lot into its span, and while it’s rather nakedly trying to make use of all the prompts, it’s nevertheless riveting. Given all that’s going on, though, it does feel somewhat compressed, mostly by virtue of characters figuring out what’s going on instantaneously and also by cutting out a major action scene. As for its elements, the human, as I said, is used intriguingly. The second-person is basically a narrative gimmick and used sparingly, so I can deal with it even if it’s not entirely necessary. The seventh Element was pretty creative, no pun intended, while the OC alicorn was similar to the one in Remember Vigil, if not quite as interesting a character. (Speaking of interesting characters, I’m sort of on the fence about how Trixie is portrayed in this, but Discord is used brilliantly.) The canon romance is probably the least successful of the prompts, especially as it’s muddled by Twixie baiting. Also, too bad this isn’t finished. Still, I enjoyed reading it, and aside from some editing errors, it’ll likely entertain. C, if you don’t mind fast pacing
Wish Unfulfillment by hazeyhooves: All this contest, i’ve been trying to really wrap my head around what makes second-person work, and ’telly narration’ was one of the things I’d come up with. Turns out, though, you can be too telly in second person just as easily as any other. In this story, you’re Pinkie Pie, and also a human transplanted into Equestria, and you run afoul of a genie in a bottle. In trying to capture Pinkie’s voice, the author went severely overboard, and the end result, while admittedly amusing, is also somewhat irritating. Also, the random OC showing up in the middle was kind of baffling. N
Fading by Rinnaul (Reading by Scribbler, Emogak and JourneymanChronicler): Celestia talks with her human friend as he slowly succumbs to the magic of Equestria. This is a touching and emotional piece that gets right something so many get wrong: conveying a sense of friendship built over time. The two of them get expository after a while, but I really sensed a connection there, just based on their first few exchanges. This is a marvelous read. R
Our Shining Light by Cobalt Coda: Princess Cadence develops feelings for her bodyguard. Unfortunately, it takes a delicate touch to pull off a concept like this, which this piece lacks. The romance is extremely forced: the bodyguard is head over heels for her, Shining Armor has been distant lately and forgot their two-year anniversary, Cadence just sort of starts looking at him because. The writing’s simplistic, with some synonym confusion, typos and, of course, asterisks. There’s a nice setup here for extolling the virtues of stoicism and letting go that which you love, but in the end, it’s just a slightly uncomfortable ship. N
A Princess in Time by NorsePony: Here’s a good example of how you can world-build canon, telling the story of the fall of the Crystal Empire from the rise and betrayal of Sombra to his defeat by Celestia and Luna. It also features good usage of the alicorn OC and OC x canon romance prompts, plus quite a few really excellent twists (chapter 6 is particularly noteworthy). Especially worth mention is Sombra being more than a one-note villain. This is definitely a good read, don’t miss it. R
The Sun Shines Over the Delaware by Anemptyshell: Very telly, full of typos and ultimately extremely baffling. George Washington was born in Equestria? And the British are invading? And he falls in love with Celestia? I am out of even and can. N
And that was my 500th review of 2014. I'm sorry it wasn't better. :(
In Memoriam by Bachiavellian: This needs a lot of editing, suffering from easy-to-fix errors, but it ivolves Celestia and Luna when they were fillies and so I couldn’t help liking it. One thing that helps is the author’s decent grasp of pre-modern English that helps make the dialogue feel authentically archaic while avoiding the tribulations of actual EME. There isn’t much to this, honestly, but as a look into another side of pre-Unification Equestria, it really delivers on the world-building. C, if you don’t mind the occasional error
In Between by M1Garand8: Welcome to an AU retelling of the show pilot, where Celestia and Luna were both banished from Equestria, their duties taken over by the middle sister. It’s an intriguing concept, but I’m not sure there’s quite enough here. Twilight has the title of Archmage, and she also has her friends and the Elements. There’s no explanation for how that really happened, given that initially, it was contingent on them stopping Nightmare Moon. I’m not too sure about Princess Umbra’s character, either. This is definitely one just for AU fans. V
Careful What You Wish For by Cloudhammer (formerly Fangwarden): An archaeologist studying Bronze Age civilizations unearths the Alicorn Amulet. Things don’t go well. This is honestly just your run-of-the-mill HiE, with all the same first contact issues as many even in this contest have. What sets it apart is good writing, especially where the characters of the mane cast come into play. That said, there’s a lot of seeing the same scene twice from different points of view that doesn’t mesh well. And again, we’ve got another entry that’s more or less an introduction to something longer, darnit. C, if you like HiE
Returning With Purpose by Tineid: I’ll start by pointing out that this begins with a recap of three major scenes from the show, and does so in a way that adds to the story and creates intrigue. It’s things like that I wish more authors could do. Anyway, the issue at hand is Twilight coming back from Canterlot after a three-day visit and finding her friends acting weird. This is interesting, and the form of the seventh Element is unique, but approaches its ideas a little too simply. Plus, there are typos and it feels more rushed the further you read. Ultimately, the ending is so rushed and covers so little that it has no impact whatsoever and tanks the whole thing. N
All Skin and Bones by RedSquirrel456 (Reading by M. E. Lovecolt; Mature: Gore): I really don’t want to give anything away. This is great post-apocalypse fiction, and it’s who the apocalypse has happened to, and what’s taken place afterward, that makes it so exciting. This is really excellent, worth turning your Mature filters off to read. It’s dark and thrilling and awesome. H
By the Power of Patriotism! by RainbowBob: …Why are there two stories about George Washington in this contest? At least this one owns its ridiculousness. It’s slapdash and Celestia’s out of character, but goshdarnit, I lol’d, and I don’t think this was written with any other purpose in mind. (If this story improves on anything, it’s the “I only read it for the articles” gag.) There weren’t nearly enough comedies in this contest, and this one is a gem. C, if you like silly shit
Rest for the Weary by NightWolf289: This is ever so slightly different from most SiEs by virtue of the human-turned-alicorn being old, near death, and carrying that with him into Equestria. It also skips over all the standard “human just got to Equestria” nonsense, thankfully. This is kind of schmaltzy and somewhat superficial, but the forgiveness of self plot is actually pretty compelling. That said, why did he have to be an alicorn? This could have worked as a story and as a contest entry just fine if he’d been a pony. Still, I found myself wishing there was more to this, not that it doesn’t work as it is. C, if you like HiE
Exchange by Murba: A couple with a sick baby are entreatied to come to Equestria in the only chance she has to be healed. This is actually a really interesting story, given the identities of who shows up to save the baby. It sets up a fascinating moral quandary. Unfortunately, it’s also got a lot of writing errors, especially homophone confusion and missing words. It’s another YMMV case, I’m afraid. V
I'm pleased to see so many highly recommend stories. But the not recommended stories are still the majority.
Y u so harsh?
Glad to see you enjoyed my story at least. There is a scene or two I want to get in there somehow, but I'm going to wait until after the contest ends before I fiddle with it. As far as "glaring word choice issues" goes, I know that's a problem of mine, but it's just how I write and can be difficult to combat. :/
One day, PresentPerfect, I'll write a thing that you'll want to give an H too. One day...
Edit: Also, since this is a contest, if you were to rank like ten or so of these stories, which would be your favorite?
Added a handful of these to my RL. "In the Place the Wild Horses Sleep" is definitely going to be first I read, though.
Whoof...
It was hard, wasn't it?
Yeah, I'm not a judge, but I still read all of them as well. Mostly.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Well, it sounds like Horse Voice went with something very similar to what I was doing, so now I feel less bad about the fact that I never made it past my first thousand words.
Mine was an American soldier in the battle of Cassino, with a portal to Equestria and it was going to have a Nazi EoH alicorn, all being done in second person, and...
Ahh, screw it. It's here—at least the 1000 or so words I finished.
Argh, so much for my unread favorites list finally being below 200. *table flip*
Too many stories, I had to break my usual rule for recommendation blog posts and just scrolled past the ones that got less than an R or an H.
At least I managed to previously catch and read about a third of the ones in this list that I would have wanted to after reading this review.
2265390 a lot if those stories sucked
Whoo, conditionally! Take THAT all you super serious stories! Comedy has conditionally won the fight!
I'm glad I could break the trend.
And, yeah, that was more or less a self-insert, so there was a fair amount of stream of consciousness. Which, in my case, means copious references.
In any case, I tried to keep up with the entries, but I just got overwhelmed by the last-minute rush. Having a rundown of what I missed is very helpful in terms of prioritizing what to read. Thank you for it.
Yeah, mine was really rushed. I had that feeling with my story that it was horrible and so rushed it would make the Flash flinch, but dammit I was going to get it done in time! I wish I had given more time to establish character for the villain, and just chopped out the romance entirely. Thank you for writing out at least a blurb though. Now I know what not to do next time
2265390
Truth be told, I was pretty lenient on this group. This is a much better distribution than I expected.
2265392
I ranked my top ten over in the story discussion thread in the group, actually. :)
2265398
It really was ._.
2265420
I followed RainbowBob today, so much for my to-read list being under 3600. :V
2265494
If nothing else, your story helped to set my standards for the second-person entries. Finding out what made it work was a really intriguing part of this contest.
2265517 Oh man, that's a rabbit hole that never ends.
"Conveying a sense of friendship built over time" was my entire original intent with my story. It was inspired by another story with the "HiE is dying of something" premise, but that one had various major characters (Celestia and Discord, most prominently) falling over themselves in despair at his impending demise, without giving any grounds for them caring about or even knowing him.
I know it got weaker over time, but I started late because I spent about half of the contest's run time without consistent computer access, and I didn't have time to give it a proper edit and rewrite. I would have tightened up a lot of the middle if I'd had more time.
2265621
I'll agree it got weaker, but a strong start means a lot, and... well, it's not that bad by the end. It's just nice seeing someone able to pull this kind of thing off for once. :)
Glad to hear this produced some good stuff!
>reviewed literally all the stories in the contest
PP I am awed ._.
Augh, now I feel like I'm going through them really slow. Gotta hurry up.
Also, it produced 66 entries.
Thank you for the review
)
(And it seems like I'm improving, I graduated from "Vaguely Recommended" on my two previous attempts to "Conditionally Recommended, if you don’t mind fast pacing;" perhaps I can hit a R still
You are right in assuming it was compressed, of course; I got overly ambitious with my story, and even after making it a pilot episode rather than a fully resolved story, I still had to pare down it a bit to make both the deadline and word count. A few extra scenes were originally planned — Luna, Celestia, and Twilight figuring things out (still happens, just not shown), Luna getting to know Arty a bit more, Zecora being more than just a name drop — but I had to cut them out and sprinkle the revelations through the remaining ones. And I even forgot to put back some
Incidentally, while the parts in second person are there mainly to (half-)fulfill a prompt, I attempted to create a reason inside the story for them. The worldsmith is a RPG game master, so when Luna's mind touched his, she "heard" as his inner voice what he used when GMing. I think I left that too cryptic, though, specially taking into account that it does have some importance in understand just what the hay happened.
Ah man, looking at all these fics I favorited for later, so many are Sad, Dark, Tragedy, or some combination of the above. We can never have happy things it seems.
Kudos on the writing and for almost all the reviews being well spelt and coherent! That's far better than I would've likely pulled off.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, but I see your point. I made Goodie overly powerful and I made him so nice because I thought that helped make the ending. I never considered Twilight's development as a model I should have used for a growing alicorn. Oh, well. It was a fair review.
2265655
WOW, thank you for taking the time to not only review and judge all of these for the contest, but to post it up here!
Its great to see your insight on EVERY SINGLE entry...
I completely agree with your review of my own fiction, but I assure you that I am the sole author, as I obviously didn't even have an editor.
I'm just glad this contest spurred me to start writing, that story will probably double in length in the next few months.
Though I'm sure I won't make the short list, this is one of the things that make the effort worthwhile.
Comparing Succession to Archer and Smith is high praise indeed. Interesting seeing your thoughts on some of the others as well, particularly how they line up so well with my own on a few.
How you found the stamina to read all these fics, though...
2265530
Following YOU is a rabbit hole that never ends. :D
>> 2266555
The comparison fits because both stories have worldbuilding that inspires curiosity on the reader's part.
2266624 Hey man, I just like to read, it's not my fault! (It's entirely my fault.)
2266638
Whoops. I meant to say that to PresentPerfect, not you.
Jesus Christ man.
I wish we could give out medals on Fimfic. You'd win the marathon event for sure.
2266652 Haha! S'alright, anything that makes Tuesday morning more amusing is just fine.
2266154
I hope you'll find an editor who can get down to basics with you. Of all the entries that fell short for me, yours was the one I really, really wanted to see be great.
2266691
That would make it all worthwhile. ;_;
2266691
Wait 'til you see the judging. It's a massacre. :V
1,000 story reviews! Congratulations!
Nudge that "Total MLP fanfics read" progress bar to somewhere near the 1% mark.
2265811
I think the contest rules may have shaped that. Parody fics were explicitly disallowed, and writing a comedy about bad fanfic tropes without drawing comedy from the bad fanfic tropes is tough. Playing it straight was the low-hanging fruit.
I was pretty sure I wasn't going to win with this many entries, but...
2267062
srsly D:
2266797
Are you guys gonna, you know, make it? Should we call for help?
Over 400,000 words judged? My hat's off to you, sir, and the other judges. Thanks for critiquing 'The King In The Mountain' fairly enough, and I'm glad you liked some of the head canon. 'Vaguely Recommended by PresentPerfect' is a label I can live with.
2269125
Blue and I are actually getting decently close to finishing. The other judges are a bit further behind, but there's still a bit over a week left to make the 2-3 week timescale. One way or another, we'll be moving onto the audience participation stage by the 18th.
2269135
Actually, I'm not a judge, I participated. :B I'm just an overzealous fanfic reviewer. But thanks.
2269161
Reviewing and writing up reviews for all of the stories without any pre-existing obligation to do so?
You're the good sort of insane.
2269182
I can live with that. :B
I wanted to offer my thanks for all the time you spent on these reviews.
I had my suspicions about how poorly my story turned out, rushing to get it in under the deadline. Thank you for putting it plainly so I know where I went wrong. At some point after the contest I plan to go back and redo the last half (or more) of the story, so the quality is hopefully more consistent.
Thanks for taking the time to review all these stories!
Jesu Christo, you're a hero for reading and reviewing every single one of these entries. Put the rest of us to shame.
As for the review on my story, needing more is a fundamental issue I see now. Problem is, I literally wrote to the limit of the contest word count by the end, and I didn't have enough time to do the sweeping editing needed to make the beginning more concise.
Honestly, Tainted Reflection was a story idea before the contest even came along, so limiting myself to that time limit and word limit was detrimental in the extreme to the story. I don't think I'll make it to the second round, at any rate, but I had a blast writing.
2292269
Dropping that opening would have given you a lot more room to work with. Honestly, I'd call it a good thing when you find yourself with a story idea that doesn't fit the confines of a contest. Means you're up to something good. :)
I know I'm kinda late but I still wanted to thank you for doing this, even if you didn't enjoy my story. I like to know what to do to get better, so a review is very helpful. I'll have to look up it's/its, I always get confused on that.
It's good to know you think I'm improving though, I'll just have to keep working harder.
2293041
If you can replace the word with "it is", then use "it's". It's a contraction, and the apostrophe replaces the space and 'i' in 'is'. :)
I know this is late but I came out of my
retirementhaitus to sayBoy, you nuts. You nuts like a bat.
Even more nuts because you liek my story that much
You silly.
Nuts.
To answer your question, the cuddle cats were a reference to the little cat creatures featured in the first story arc of the MLP comic.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130501112049/mlp/images/b/b3/Comic_issue_3_page_2.png
I'll be honest, looking back I kinda hate the story myself. I wrote it in only about two hours and never bothered to edit it. Of the six fics I've published it's by far my least favorite (even Spike Eats a Peach I still get a chuckle out of when I think about it, but ATHEWM I just sorta cringe at). It's a real mess, like you said, switching from overwrought creation myth concepts and language to more grounded elements on a whim and I really should have taken the time to edit it.
2546107
Yaknow, I think I saw them in another story and they... just aren't that memorable somehow. c.c