When the peace of the idyllic world of Cloudsdale is interrupted by rising crime, and a lonely office worker's best friend is mugged in the street, he finally decides that enough is enough. With nothing but his wits, a suitcase with personal effects, and years of experience in the accounting department of a large investment firm, he launches himself headfirst into the stupidest possible thing he could do - quitting his job, and waging war on the underworld.
Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.
Chapters (13)
Another one for the read later list. Good thing it's a lot shorter than it used to be.
I'll be back for this later...
VERY much looking forward to this, you've got a great one on your hands
That is the single longest chapter I've ever seen. It intimidating.
But still, this should go to the feature box. I only got a little of the way in, but it's incredible.
22,000 words? That's like half my total published word count. Thank Eris I'm mildly insomniac, or I'll never get a chance to read it.
It begins.
Featured Box, here it comes!
Congratulations, KitsuneRisu
This is rather cool, sir, thank you very much.
Uh, the title wouldn't happen to be referencing Romancing the Stone, would it? I'm sure it's not.
I think I found the type of story I was looking, definately reading later when I can.
Quite engrossing so far. I'm finding that I quite like Mocha, and Egg is a rather interesting protagonist... sort of reminds me of Batman, if Batman was less like Batman and more like a very dry, unremarkable accountant. Or perhaps the Clock King.
Ah! I recognize what thou hast accomplished there.
2163913 Haha, dude, if you could see the chapter lengths in Background Pony you might die of fright... or god help you Project Horizons
So many words
I don't read tons of OC stuff but I do like speculative world building/expanding, like what you are doing here with Cloudsdale.
Looking forward to more.
The beginning of the story has a bit of eccentric descriptive language I find a bit off putting, but nothing too bad.
Rag as a slang term for newspaper or magazine seems weird coming from an omniscient narrator.
Kind of trying to hard to describe a pose here. Juts "In her hooves" lets the reader picture it.
She's not hovering the paper. She's hovering with the paper.
You don't really blink sleep out of your eyes, you rub it out. You blink bleariness out though...
I don't even.
At 5am obviously.
This would be better as -"Look," Rainbow responded, prodding the page. "Look at this!"-
After that point it seems much smoother. Just a bunch of odd artifacts in the Twi and Dash intro. Which is structured brilliantly by the way.
2163857
Please do. I have cookies!
2163877
Yeah well you edited it =3 It's as good as what we made it together.
2163913
Hey, wow, thanks! I hope it does. Unlikely, but, one can dream. Heh hehh eheh. Glad you're liking it so far! And yes, I don't skimp on the words.
2163955
Weren't you going to sleep? >_>;
2164027
Thanks! I wish. I can only wish. Nowhere near it. But. Let's keep trying.
2164038
Except for sacrifice this rabbit to the heathen gods of writing stuff.
Thank YOU very much. I didn't do anything.
2164225
Eheheh heheh. HEheh.. MAYBE. Good eye. I genuinely did not think anyone was going to spot that. But that is where the similarities end, I'm afraid. Fic's entirely different.
2164422
Thank you! Please come back anytime, stranger. *rubs hands together* heh heh heh.....
2164644
Sir! The Clock king is anything BUT unremarkable! Why! He.... he has a giant clock for a head! And... and... has a giant clock for a head. Also, good spot... >_> The song that inspired my first adventure fic and also the name of the lead OC. I just dropped it in for the heck of it. Good song though, eh? I love TMBG.
2165543
Yeah, those were... done mainly not either on purpose or against but that's honestly just the kind of things I write. I kind of write weirdly, I guess. Two of my biggest influences are Terry Pratchett and Dave Barry, both of whom use rather particular metaphors and analogies in their writing. It's very colourful and sometimes weird in the execution, but that's what I've sort of picked up myself as a habit. Most of the examples you pointed out aren't meant to be very straightforward. I'll agree with you about the 'cupped legs' thing, though. It'd be clearer if it were just 'hooves'. And the 'hovering' thing, which I
am going to change right after thishave just fixed. And the last one with the prodding also. But for example the one about blinking sleep out? In the way I used it, sleep is being used as an analogy for what it represents - blurriness, tiredness, the dizziness, the little bits of eye crap. And who the heck reads the paper at 5 am? I DENY people reading the paper at such an ungodly hour.But thanks for the comment about the structure. You can thank Crack for the inspiration for it. =3
2165543
Oh yeah, I'd add.. one thing I do as part of my voice is that my god narration tends to swing left and right depending on whose scene it's focused on. I do this a lot. The god narration voice actually does change and sometimes overlaps with the characters. It might be a bit weird at first but a lot of people I know who've gotten used to it tell me it's a pretty distinct part of my writing style and that it's actually quite nice as a device, sometimes.
Might not be for everyone, I think. But still. I won't do it too often. =)
2165599
Understandable. I've only really read in depth the Diaries fics and that was first-sorta-2nd-person.
2165591
Going to bed and going to sleep are two different things. Especially when you keep an iPad under your pillow.
Which probably explains my insomnia.
You... finished.
Will read (yet another empty lie by me!)
If I finish my fic (^^^)
If I first upload a new chapter for my other fic (^^^)
This is bloody brilliant.
I can't even express how awesome this story is, and just how much more awesome it can become. So much awesome...
2171546
So.. you LIKE it then.
Brilliant Cut... incoming. =)
I'd like to do a review of this on my user page. May I?
2171746
Depends on how much you're going to rip into it =)
Nah, I kid. Go right ahead. All feedback is highly appreciated.
And thank you for the time you'd spend doing it! I'm anticipating reading it. =)
inb4 Mocha best pony.
Man, Twi, you're such a killjoy. Let Dash have her fun!
Oooo, I like the title presentation.
Sounds like a pretty important position for our protagonist. Hmn, suspicious mugging is suspicious. Could just be the triggering event though, I suppose.
Looks like we already have some vigilante action going on.
There's something to be said for the right advice at the right time. Okay, even without the details this is a terrible plan and it's simply going to end in tears. And possibly body bags.
Love the diner story.
Preach it, sister.
Okay, so he has put a lot of thought into this. I'm still with Mocha on it, though.
Great Cloudsdale imagery. Now that's quite the fixer upper
Okay, so he's really clever. Still a bad idea! Love the ending at the diner.
Great start to this Kitsu.
I read this today, and I am enthusiastically impressed. This is basically the MLP version of Kickass.
2171835
No prob.
It's something of a comfort to know that pegasi have the same high regard for pigeons that I do.
I hate to use the standard cliche, but... the plot thickens.
And as for characters! I think I've found a new favorite one in Cookie; it's hard to put into words why, but... yeah. She's a good character. It's pretty easy to tell that you've put quite a lot of thought into crafting every individual, however, which is (as I have no doubt you already know) integral to both stories with OCs and stories that are character-driven.
Also... don't correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling that we'll be seeing more of Brilliant Cut. After all, so far it's only the recurring characters who have their own little cutie mark at the top of each section...
This is gonna be a fun story, yes indeed. It is definitely getting better. Only thing:
i.imgur.com/WEXdQgA.jpg
Jade hair, amethyst eyes!
I am still ridiculously impressed. I see that each of your cast has their own style and role in what is to come. The separate cases also drove home how well each of them is an uniquely talented individual, but under the guidance of the stallion with the plan, can be a cohesive unit. I am seriously flabbergasted by this story.
P.S. Poached
2216240
This is not me not knowing colours. This is me not knowing rocks.
*quickly makes changes*
2215793
"Don't think so much," Egg commanded.
Or... have you spotted something... interesting?
Well, as per your request, I shall not correct anything. heh. heheheheh. hehehehe hehehe.
Thank you for reading!
2216578
Thanks very much for your reading and support! I'll continue working hard to continue making you happy with the story. =)
Now that introductions (for the most part) are over, we can get on with a few nice little monster of the day stories, but.. hm... curious.
There's still two more on that front image that hasn't yet shown up.
Oh dear.
Hmn, so a cloud store just burned down, and a ground store just floated away on a cloud. Improbable crimes edition?
Not sure that making an enemy in the press is a good idea.
Pegasi are cats, headcanon established.
Cookie, huh? Interesting backstory, though I'm suddenly imagining Worf in an apron for some reason.
Ahh, and there's the flying building.
Well that's just a tad suspicious.
Gryphons as rock related creatures? Interesting.
That ability of Champagne's is pretty handy.
So, some sort of anti-gryphon group? Pegasi supremacists?
Poached. Oh man, I can't believe I hadn't gotten that yet.
Planning! Always a good thing.
Gemstone bombs? Hmn. And Egg is unreadable by the pony who's special talent is reading ponies? That's mildly suspicious.
2255475
Don't think so much....
character tags and genre tags will be added as the story progresses to avoid spoilers
So you're essentially saying that there's going to be shipping in this story's future, right?
Oh also, since me reviewing this fell through (at least for the time being), I'm featuring this on my user page for a bit because it's awesome. This should have at least ten times the attention it does.
2329515
Aww man, that looks so great up there. I took a screenshot.
Super glad you like the story. Thanks very much for the plug! Hopefully more people will take a look at it now. =)
Thank you so much!
2334552
It really is a great story. This fandom needs more adventure fics like this. It's dominated by Shipping and One-Shots, and although there's nothing wrong with those genres, a well written adventure story with a sense of humor is refreshingly original.
2335605
Aye, sort of what I was trying to do when I was planning it. Why not try for something a bit more in depth and draggy than the usual stuff? People will need to get invested, and really take their time with them, but the payoff is that you really get to know the characters, I feel. But of course, the other edge of the sword is that fewer people are willing to get into something this long where 'nothing happens' for so long. But I do enjoy writing it a lot, so it's fine. And it allows me to write that particular humour that I like, the more subtle humour of relationships and banter rather than just blatant jokes. Nothing wrong with THAT either, though.
Mmmmm, well. Maybe. =) I'm sure by now you can sort of tell what's going where, but I don't like to make things that straightforward. So even if it has shipping (if being the operative word) it won't be anything above subtle or a bit of a laugh. More 'realistic' view of it, really. But certainly, the story isn't going to be dominated by a particular genre. All I'm doing is setting out to write a fic about the adventures of the bunch of them and their exploits and I just don't want the irreverent tags to spoil people's expectations. So maybe, in the end, I might not even add other genre tags at all. Because they're not REALLY necessary.
Anyway, Chapter 3 is in the works!
2337476
Because this fic is worth watching ten hours of YESSSS!!
People like to make little things into nothing, I noticed. Especially between close friends. i've actually had situations like this in the past, where people would ask: "Wow! You sure care about him! So why haven't you two started dating?" And it's an easy question...Because you don't feel like it. That's not how it is. There are other kinds of relationships besides romantic, and sometimes people forget that.
Heck, you don't even have to KNOW someone to feel bad for them. I know i have cried over people I didn't know dying or getting hurt. I think it's natural to care and feel for others.
Okay, but now i'm getting off track. I am really loving all the personalities so far. From the secondary characters like his boss, to Egg himself. And I'm REALLY digging Eggbeater. His interactions amuse me, and I can't help but smile at imagining his expressions. All two of them. He certainly is the everyman's pony, isn't he. I can tell he is going to be a character I enjoy reading about. Though I can't wait to find out about the rest of the gang, and what happens to band them all together.
I also wanted to say that I love how you started out the story. Of course Rainbow Dash would have found out about them, and it was a great way to set up the story. It also shows familar characters, and helps to remind us that it's set in the same world as MLP. (I find that many people who do focus on thier original characters in fandoms somehow distorts the world they are trying to be a part of. But so far this reads as something that I can easily see happening in the background of the main cast. there are always adventures going on, even if we don't see or know about them.)
I'm really glad you DID recommend this one to me. i can tell it's going to be a fun ride~
I don't have much to say about this chapter besides the fact that I enjoyed it. Mocha Leche is a clever name, and i'm loving how she is coming off so far. And after seeing Emberkite again, I don't feel as weary of him. (Not to say that I ever thought Emberkite was a bad character, I just didn't know how to feel about him. I think maybe his personality is one that would normally rub off the wrong way with me, if he was a real person. Which pretty much means you're doing your job in creating a diverse cast. LOL )
I'm also amused by the writing style you are using for this piece. I can't help but fondly think of books like "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", when it comes to the narrative.
Man, it's not FAIR! I didn't expect to fall for all these characters so easily. Even Ember is warming up to me. And I just love how Eggbeater brings out the personalities in people, especially Survey. I couldn't help but laugh at how easily Eggy worked him up.
I thought this was a nice first episode that brought our main characters into the light, and helped to set up the next one. I'm actually looking forward to reading the next installment, after I finish a few things around the house. As for now, i'll just fave it and give it a thumbs up.
Poached eggs are delicious. They are like, my favorite way to eat an egg. Especially with a little olive oil butter and Mrs. Dash seasoning...
But I'm getting distracted and ruining your wordplay. No more of that, for now.
Another great beginning, and another batch of characters introduced. The gryphon seems absolutely adorable. And I'm intrigued to find out just how the different crimes fit together. I'm also amused by just how giddy Emberkite gets over smashing skulls. He kinda reminds me of an energetic sidekick who is willing to do just about anything, as long as he can get his jollies.
I also have a question. Do you have more pictures of the cast than the cover that you did? I want to try and do some doodles. Probably nothing besides sketches, for now, but I just feel the impulse to draw. I'd especially appreciate more references of Eggbeater. Because he is best pony. Yes.
Now with that said, I think I'll leave off with this chapter for the night. Tired. But I will be sure to come back for more in the morning.
2491229
"Just... just Egg, please."
I can't take credit for this, as much as I would like to. My good friend Crack Javelin and I worked a LOT on this story, from the conception to plot to characters, and the idea of the framing is his idea. I just wrote it, and I have a few ideas of where to TAKE it, but really, it's all him. Props to Crackernaut.
He made this excellent call in how to keep the story stuck in with the rest of MLP lore, and basically solved the problem which is what you mentioned exactly.
Ember's written to be hard to like. You need to work to like him, and there's a reason for that. He's annoying, very much so! It's very intentional. =)
Aw. That's a fair bit of praise, sir.
This story was written more to how I want to write stories. The others are a bit tame because they tell a more direct narrative about established characters. This one I'm free to match the narration style to the tone. And Douglas Adams, amongst others like Terry Pratchett and Dave Barry, were my influences growing up.
Egg and Survey are the comedy pair, really. Survey's not on the cover art because he doesn't have a character arc. That's all. And this is a big hint for you.
What is Mrs. Dash seasoning? ... Because... well... I hope that's a brand because now my imagination is going wild and is picturing a desiccated corpse being shaved over a breakfast plate...
It's a past-time.
And alright, I do have a few very very early sketches but I think some of them are slightly different from the finals. I'm always up for lovely delicious art, and I shall be a whore for it.
Here's some other pics that I managed to find lying around in my hard drive that have production errors.
Egg (Cutie mark not correct)
Cookie (Horrible sketch)
Emberkite (Original concept; mane wrong, tail correct. Lacks Cutie mark, and you can see his original name in the file.)
Mocha Leche (Original concept Sketch)
Spoiler (Original concept. And yes, I know, that's a sword strapped to her wing. It's not going to be like that. I don't write silly things. Don't worry.)
Spoiler (Original concept sketch)
Gift sketch of guest star in chapter 2
Yikes.
Well anyway, Again, I have to keep saying this but I'm getting repetitious now, but I'm quite energized and happy that you liked this. And yeah! I pride myself on doing good OCs. So, enjoy! More fun to come, surely. More mysteries to solve. Heh Heh. Heh.
I'm loving how FIM has its site; if i need to go away from the computer, and close the browser, i can easily tell what chapters I read last. Easier than having to guess and skim.
But that doesn't have much to do with your writting, does it? LOL.
Thieves stealing building, lowly scum burning clouds- just endless adventures with these guys. And Brilliant Cut amuses me so much. Then again, they ALL do one way or another. And nice to see Ember pull a more leader role. Even if he is probably doing overtime with all that thinking he's doing. LOL. I also like how Champagne comes off as the love-child of Fluttershy and Twilight. It makes for a fun contrast of having intelligence, but still feeling unsure of herself. Though, a lot of that could be just from how young she is. Plus the fact she doesn't leave her house much. Or didn't, anyway. Which reminds me, I hope we will be able to hear more about the deal she made with her father. As well as finding out who her father is. He seems like a very special somepony.
Aaand final chapter...
You BETTER not leave off here. Or I will find you and...and...and do SOMETHING.
Though that 'something' will probably just be me begging for more. But shhhh, you don't need to know that.Also, for some reason FIM never noted that you replied to me. Huh, weird. Oh well, time to look at the pics you linked to~
And as fun as it is to imagine myself going Mrs.Lovette over dead Rainbow Dash...THIS is what Mrs. Dash seasoning is. I'm not sure where you're from, so you might not have it. But on the off chance that you DO....Try it! Good stuff.
2495907
Hello there my pretty
Don't get too attached though. She's a loaner. =( But she'll be back, possibly, in some small respect if I can secure permission again.
Funny you should mention. I pointed this out to my co-planner and we had a hearty chortle over this... =3 Shh. spoilers.
But there's a lot of mysteries, twists, and all that. Setting stuff up is important. Also you should be paying attention to the fact that who's on the cover art does not necessarily dictate who is a main character/good or evil. Hm. Or am I trying to mislead you? Project has been a while since I updated last but it's not dead. Chapter 3 is about 1/5 done, but I took a break to write outdated communication and I'm currently working on my first ever light romance/sad piece starring Dash, Twilight, and a special book. Look out for it! And then after that, back to this one.
Chapter 3. Chasing the lead of that strange paper. What could it be? And also, a rather unfortunate accident pushes the team into action. It's a Champagne-centric ep, because she's a fan favourite. And of course, all with what they're doing, you'd be silly to think that they haven't attracted the wrong kind of attention...
Also, you ought to keep an eye out for that Gale fella. She's suspicious.
Thank you for reading, and supporting me. I hope this series will continue to entertain.
And no! I don't know what that stuff is. I live in Asia, so... probably doesn't reach here.
I got a shoutout
Man, why didn't you tell me to read this sooner? Loved this first chapter and will be reading on in the very near future!
Needs more Mocha though.