- Member Since 15th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 17th, 2022
Neon Czolgosz
"Violence for violence is the rule of beasts" - Barack Obama
Neon Czolgosz
Joined 15th Dec, 2011 ·
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You know, as much as I enjoyed reading this, I must remark that you aren't fucking done yet good sir. You have teased my delicate palette with your in-depth and admittedly well executed teasing, but now it demands satiation, satisfaction, and consummation! WHY U NO GIVE SEX? That is all.
court-records.net/animation/godot-deskslam-mug.gif
I demand a fourth scene!
Loathe,
Your Antagonist
2416618 This I agree totally...
I wouldn't worry. If Behind Closed Doors is any indication, Chinley doesn't leave his audience hanging.
Still, I actually felt a little disappointed in this. I would have liked to see Sweetie's "innocence" played up a little harder, so that it wasn't so obvious that she knew exactly what effect she was having.
Of course, the shift in gears when he found out the age difference was rather sudden and lacked any intent to gather proof, so I can't help but wonder how solid his blood will freeze if he happens to find any type of birth certificate or something that indicates she still has yet to reach her adult birthday.
Also, relevant image is relevant and also NSFW
2416987 Oh dear. Anthro. How fare HAVE you sunk, Chuck. What next, a second person fic featuring me and Scootaloo?
...
I'd be strangely okay with that.
2416987
I didn't actually want to have her aged up, I did so for legal reasons. Big Mac's guilt and shame and fear and the twisted pleasure he derived from them would have been that much sharper if she'd actually been in the danger zone. So yeah, it's kinda like them old-timey movies where the criminal loses out because hey, hollywood code, bad guys gotta lose.
you can't have a foot fetish if you leave them as ponies. Then it would be hoof fetish.
well seeing as it is by you, I shall put it on the read latter list and reserve judgment.
Loved it! I Demand sequel where virginity is taken!
thumbs up!
2416618
I agree, but now Chuck has gone and used up the perfect chapter title for a sexy chapter. You should have saved Crescendo for the climax that we your fans shall clamor for until we get it
2419128
Nah, I have a better musical term for the bonus chapter...
2419132
I find it kind of amusing from your earlier statement about being forced to age her up, that had you not humanized it, you would not have run into problems with the mods. They're fine with foals, just not loli.
2419142
Legal reasons. Don't know about the states, but in the UK, disturbing written sexual stuff is only legal if it has some artistic merit. Now, I'd like to think that this story does, but it would only be a subjective judgement away from being a criminal offense on my part, and a serious liability for the people hosting the story. That ain't the kind of heat I want...
On that note, tell me your opinions! The dearth of good comments is hurting me!
I don't think the US would have any easy classification for clop stories involving foals. I'm sure it hasn't come up in a legal argument yet
. As far as anything (story, drawing, comic, etc) if it's underaged humans you'll get in just as much trouble as if you had actual real life CP. (stupid, but that's the way it written).
As for my opinions, as I said I'm with YA in screaming at where you left us hanging
, but other than that you've done quite well. I really like Mac's personal struggle when he thinks SB is too young and when he's not sure if she's the biggest tease ever or if she's really just that innocent. I think you may have wanted to have Sweetie just a bit more indignant about BM thinking she was younger. Young girls hate being mistaken for even younger, just like women hate to be mistaken for being older.
As for the clop (admit it, I'm the one who will critique your clop and that's why you always want my comments
) it felt just a little rushed, but the added danger of them being caught and the taboo of being with his sister's friend made it feel more natural to be quick about the act. I hope you really take your time and indulge us with the continuation. The foot fetish was well done (I hate the ones that deal with that and like sweaty nasty feet :shudder:) and I had a good twinge when Sweetie was showing off her flexibility. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter and more of Sweetie's deliciously jailbait looking body
.
hehehehehe....
Well that was alllright
yes
2419097 i second that
Well, I said Palate Cleanser and I think this damn well qualifies. I am not sure how jailbait foot fetish ended up one of my palate cleansers (what the hell I'm not even into feet) but in this case I think I can, as usual, blame the build up.
For what amounts to self-contained short erotic fiction, you do a lot of subtle world building most people writing a story like this might not bother with- or would dump on the readers all at once to check off . There's not anything earth-shattering here, but you do a good job of showing how the world your story is set in relates back to the Equestria the readers are familiar with, and you do it without ever outright dumping an exposition bomb. This is good, because it leaves plenty of time for us to sit back with Big Mac and watch his gears spinning out of control as he tries desperately to think about anything but the young, nubile, delicious, etc. etc. etc. right in front of him. The clop scene itself doesn't dominate the story so much as it resolves it, That's a good thing- the emotion we're supposed to empathize with here is unfulfilled desire, so as Big Mac's desire mounts, so does the reader's anticipation.
If I had to pick a favorite thing about the story, though, it's the things Mac is doing. I've jumped around a few entry level jobs at this point, so I actually have worked both on a farm and in the service industry- and Mac's mindset and his complaints while fixing the fusebox at Carousel Boutique definitely resonate with me pretty well (builders are the scum of the earth, and worthy of nothing but base contempt), as did the meal he and Sweetie share in chapter one.
If I had to bring up one thing that I'm a little unsure about, it's how the perspective jumps over to Sweetie Belle suddenly during the clop scene. I didn't dislike those portions- as a matter of fact, I rather enjoyed them. It was a little jarring when, up to that point, Big Macintosh is the only character we're seeing the situation through the eyes of and Sweetie Belle is the black box we're not privy to the thought processes of. The device has kind of served its purpose by the point that the two are entering the realm of energetic and vigorous not-quite-jailbait sex, but it is still a pretty sudden transition, going from following the emotions of one character to two.
Last line of chapter three sent me into hysterics. Again.
XD I love Big Mac's 'NopeNopeNope' reactions. XD
Aged up? What's the fun if Big Mac isn't destroying Sweetie's insides with his giant apple-shaped penis?
To risk myself even further to plunge even deeper into the pits of hell...
Sweetie Belle wants the D!! *shot*
Thoroughly enjoyed. Do hope you write stuff like this
Wooooooow.... Is it a bad thing that I am containing myself from laughing my sides into oblivion right now? Hahahahaha!!!
"Heat was getting to him."
Clever.
I feel like I should say something... But I feel like most of the other commentators already said it...
That being said.... For whatever reason... I liked this. And not because of the cloppy-ness... Mostly because...I don't really ship any of the CMC seriously with anybody. As well as the other fillies and colts... I mean I like them and think most of them are kinda cute... But I just can't get behind them. But I really liked this. Kudos to you dear sir!!!
The heat was getting to him.
Good one.
We art enjoying thine craft.
If a girl wearing skirts ask to hold the ladder, there is only so much directions it can go...
A fourth scene is in order, my friend. You have teased us far too much to simply stop!
Sincerely, A Renegade Time Lord
P.S. Sequel?
But...that doesn't...
WHAAAAT?!
2422041
No, it does. It means a sudden switch from soft to loud.
2422043
Occurring right before a crescendo?
Say goodbye, eardrums.
Hmm. Gotta say, i find this very intriguing for a lot of different reasons.
I must say though that going the 'aged-up' route seems sort of... i cant think of the right word. Unambitious? So limiting on what you yourself could accomplish with this story by failing to push the boundaries there. And well... sort of 'cowardly' crossed with 'lazy' except with me really trying not to insult you...
Honest!
I think it would have been far more effective to have Sweetie the same age as Apple Bloom, but still underage enough to make this wrong in the legal sense as well. Why? Well because otherwise we get the uncomfortable idea that the letter of the law is more important than its spirit. Not merely more important in fact, but all that matters. Because it seems like the moment Macintosh knows its not illegal for him to have sexual contact with her, hes completely willing.
I was very much in the 'Buh?' phase after that. The fact is that Sweetie's maturity is as far as we know roughly the same as Bloom's. It shouldnt be a simple arbitrary age check as to whether or not he can fuck her. It should be Macintosh feeling like something of a monster for having sexual feelings for someone the same age group as his little sister, and thats so much more deliciously effective when he cant fall back on 'but the law says theres nothing wrong!' (and even more when he cant go 'shes actually older than Bloom! its okay!)
This is a guy who has grown up with two younger female dependants. Hell, the farm belongs to him and he's treated by them as the ultimate authority on the farm. Hes stuck somewhere between being the older brother and being a surrogate father. And everyone knows your daughter - or indeed your little sister if you are old enough above her - is always your baby. It doesnt matter what she does or how old she gets, shes always going to be thought of as a child in your eyes, even if its not all the time. and by association, it doesnt matter how old Sweetie gets, hes always going to get reminders of her youth and relative innocence.
Which is i gues my problem here. This is a purely physical relationship - nothing wrong with that. But i would expect Mac to immediately go into 'oh shit' mode after the lust had drained away. But he doesnt. And thats where my accusation of laziness sort of rears its head. He seems totally fine, as if he hasnt just had sexual contact with a girl the same agegroup as his sister. But he shouldnt, and that whole 'no actually shes legal!' just seems like a way to shove all the emotional guilt stuff off to the side with a very audible clunk.
Now, i want to say here that im not claiming Sweetie is wrong for wanting to experience sex if she feels she is ready, nor is Macintosh in the wrong for wanting her (nor would i really believe he was even if she was underage - different people mature at different ages). But he SHOULD feel guilty. Because feeling bad about things (even if you shouldnt necessarily, or if you cant change it) is how you prove you're a good person - weirdly.
Yknow what i would love now? Apart from some views inside Sweetie Belle's head at her thoughts? (though avoiding those might be a stylistic choice on your part to force us to view things from Macintosh's more confused, exposed perspective and to heighten the eroticism present in the dichotomy of Sweetie's innocent vs sexual actions - which is nice) I would love it be revealed that she was lying about her age from the start. Something to show that arbitrary age marker is just that, arbitrary, and what should matter is what Sweetie wants and what Macintosh is comfortable with.
So um.. yeah. Well done. If you havent guessed from the mile long fucking ethical examination of your story... i like your story. Um... pretty well written too. Sorry... i tend to just go in depth with analysis things like this and not mention the stuff like how youve managed to perfectly balance detail/description with a good fast pace. Just assume me a praiser by ommission - if i didnt mention it youve probably done pretty well.
"foot fetish-y"
sold
followin'
I loved your portrayal on Sweetie Belle. Her canon personality fits her humanized petite body. Her outfits in every chapter are simple and right for the warm and humid spring, and the fact that her angelic innocence matches her appearance really gave me a huge interest in this.
The cover art is pretty good. Can you tell me where you got it?
My inclination with anime gave me some bonus points for arousal. With that, I imagined this as an anime, and I can't think of anything else. Nothing else felt wrong for me.
Anyway, Sweetie Belle is best petite human!!! LIKE, FAVE AND WATCH!!!
This sounds... odd. Or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.
I seriously can't stop laughing at Big Mac's inner monologue.
dude
this was fantastic
this is the kind of stuff i followed you for
almost no consistent stylistic issues aside the 'ah' stuff i mentioned to you chat already
no adverb overusage, no bad tenses, and only tiny pov issues in the first chapter
really, really good stuff
only frustrated it didn't go on, but it's pretty fantastic for what it is
only other point is that i felt like sweetie's switch in attitude was a bit sudden, but at the same time, it's dragged out as long as it needed to be, and given the conceit of the fic, it functioned pretty well
bravo, a+
In Bruges reference? Hah, nice.
2422160
See my comments above. Not only was I unwilling to make her underage for legal reasons, but I also failed fimfic moderation on the first submission, simply because it wasn't adequately clear that Sweetie Belle was aged up. Underage humanized is a no-go on this site.
Also, I disagree on the guilt. Big Mac is a low-key guy. In the second chapter he's still horny as fuck at the end, and in the third chapter he is feeling guilt of a sort. He's throwing himself into random tasks just to have something to do, to take his mind off Sweetie Belle. And by the very end, his excitement outweighs his guilt.
I preferred the subtlety of the first two chapters.
Get ready everyone
welp
new fetish aquired
thanks
Am I the only one curious on how they buck apples in this world? Like, do they kick the trees? Or punch them? Holy shit, I would love to read a story all about the apple family going arround punching apple trees.
2424605
25.media.tumblr.com/d85f4b7d4b7e8cdd27c9e3204f1ba672/tumblr_mevnllZr3y1rmurpxo1_500.gif
agreement!
2423877 That must be a newer moderation rule, no underaged humanization.
I remember this one fic (something about Spike, Apple Bloom, and sex education) getting removed a while back. I forget if it was because the author had to change the characters from humans to ponies/dragons or if he was going to do that anyways.
2423877
Really? Well criticism retracted on that part then... but thats just depressing. Its silly bordering on almost... hypocritcial for a site about writing to ban such things so arbitrarily. if it were up to the site admins supposedly Lolita (the book) would be banned would it?
Anyways, on the Big Mac issue its probably just come from us having different views of the guy (naturally, hes almost a non-character) but i always imagined hed have a very, very strong protective instincts towards his sisters, and something about the way everything goes out of the window once the age thing is addressed does ring awkwardly with me. Again, i can believe hes just washed away by the lust of it all, but it seems like once thats over hed sober up a little bit and start on the 'oh god' moments.
At any rate its your story to work with and i look forward to reading more no matter how you handle it really. I truly do want to see things from Sweetie's perspective though (but at the same time i could completely understand restricting that for style reasons).
2425218
It's very reasonable if you think about it. Written works that involve underage sex are allowed if they are not 'pornography', which is usually defined as having some artistic merit. Now, unless the mods both know a prosecutor/judges definition of 'artistic merit' and feel like reading every humanized underaged story that comes through to make sure it's not purely pornographic dreck.
As for Big Mac, I see him as worrying far more about the legal and social implications than the moral oens. Being a 'bad' man is one thing, but putting his family in financial and social dire straits just to get his rocks off is quite another.
While I'm still torn on whether or not to do a 4th chapter, I definitely won't be going into Sweetie's pov, and might even edit the little slips out of the previous chapters. Big Mac's pov is integral to the way the story is constructed, and it would be a very different story if he was sharing that POV intentionally.
Complete
This is talent.
: ...enope
:...What.
Sweetie & Mac, got anything you want to say?