- Member Since 15th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 17th, 2022
Neon Czolgosz
"Violence for violence is the rule of beasts" - Barack Obama
Neon Czolgosz
Joined 15th Dec, 2011 ·
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I'm taking notes on this, because fuck if I've ever read something that's ever felt so unmawkishly sentimental.
We hereby approve of this cake on cake.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Good Morning... Good Faust!
Hot! Can you get my back for me? Oldest trick in the book, my wife plays that card every time she gets the chance. Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. It was really romantic. Thumbs Up!
I approve.
Oh dear... cant wait to read it sire
All of my yes. All of it.
1803586>>1803596>>1803819>>1803920
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>> MFW four of my favourite authors, clop or otherwise, approve of my work:
1804049 I'm honored by such praise, and you should know that I'm kind of a sucker for sappy, romantic love between the Cakes. They are one of the most fun couples to write, IMO.
Also, that gif is...strangely hypnotic.
Hnnnng.... you've really outdone yourself with this one Chuck, I caught shivers and what have you. This is gorgeous and shame upon anyone who could bring themself to downvote such a piece. do what you do baby, because you do it oh so right. I'd give you one of them super detailed comments that I love to write, but you already have my thoughts on this story elsewhere. To the featurebox with this, and nowhere but! Come on people, push that thumbs up button so we can see something mature of quality in that fucker, for great justice! Or do you want terrorism and censorship to win? You don't want that to win. Therefore you should press the thumbs up.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist
This ain't gettin' the featurebox. You know that. I know that.
But you know what?
Screw them. Probably not the best thing to say regarding a clopfic but screw them.
This is a rare piece. It's a clopfic between a married couple (and you'd be shocked at how rare that is), and there's just as much focus on their feelings for one another as there is focus on their feeling one another. The only other clopfic I've read that captures this beautifully is one where Applejack and Soarin are married. Nothing kinky. Nothing weird. Nothing but a husband, his wife, and the secret to their happy marriage.
Thumbs up. I'll give you three since I just hacked off my brother's hand. I'll just say he's reluctant to admit he likes it too.
Warning: This comment will contain spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
Hello, Chuckfinley. This is, admittedly, the first piece I've ever read from you, and I'm impressed. Consider me a follower now.
Now I'll leave my comments about this story. There may be things you may disagree with about my comments, and that's fine; I myself am a terrible writer, and these are just what I liked and what little I didn't.
Let me begin with spelling and grammar, and I'll say that saying it's perfect would be an understatement; there are no errors here, and there is a bit of manipulation in the grammar that gives it a nice rhythm to it. This part, in particular, is really nice:
That repetition is very nice.
So, in conclusion with grammar, it's perfect, with any manipulations adding to the scene to its benefit.
Moving on to prose, there was something about the way you wrote that gripped me: your use of rhyme, both true
and slant
Your word usage is also strong, I think. I liked the "tendrils" and "snaking" that went on in the first paragraph, and the shower scene had some enticing words to them that really helped set the scene.
I also noticed some alliteration and assonance during this which added a bit of a pleasant melody to it. Nice job with that.
I do have a few complaints about it, though. Let me begin at this paragraph:
With your strong focus on setting the moment and describing their enjoyment in tangible, observable detail, that underlined part about the teenagers feel superfluous. For me at least, it doesn't say anything about their age or their manner of kissing; it's more like a remark at teenagers, and it doesn't fit with this. If it just described their kissing as being slow and tender, I would've been okay with that; this teenager bit feels out of place.
My next complaint rises here:
Now this is a small complaint, and it's not really a complaint; it's just something that sticks out and for you to consider. I wouldn't even have a problem with this--indeed, the descriptions are well-written--if it weren't for the next paragraph, especially the first sentence.
You then proceed to describe what he loves about her, and you go in depth with the descriptions. The large paragraph before gives her two sentences of appreciation for the moment, but both describe her thick body. This makes it seem more from a third party's point-of-view, or even Carrot Cake's POV, than hers. I think the problem I have with this is the phrase "is just as;" that makes it seem like there will be an equal description for both Carrot and Cup Cake's enjoyment, but that doesn't happen. We're treated more to Carrot Cake's enjoyment than Cup's here, while may be fine without that phrase "is just as."
[I don't know if I came through clearly or not. My apologies.]
My final problem is with this sentence:
Were you trying to get across the fact that Carrot Cake likes [most, if not] all of Cup Cake? If so, Why use the word "rare"? That makes it seem like there is a small-but-present flaw that Cup Cake has, and for me, this sorta ruins the moment.
Any of these complaints may just be me; again, please take them as you will.
Moving on to more important matters!
I'm going to combine atmosphere and character, since both are your strong points here. Your description did say that this took place in winter and that there would be a warm shower; I was looking for an indicator of the cold and the warm in this. Fortunately, you described the cold of the non-shower house and the warm shower very well. Your descriptions of the winter as infiltrating the house and attacking his hooves were nice. The shower scene was very close and delicate--except for when the action started--and that was nice. You controlled it well.
The love between them was obvious. The tenderness and the lust between them was balanced nicely, and the consideration for the others in the household was, for me, a very nice touch. The closeness they felt was great.
I will say, though, that there were two places that broke me out of the moment. The first was when you described how they fucked on vacation; that slowed the piece down for me. I would expect that in perhaps another story where they actually are on vacation, but putting it in the middle of a imagery-laden scene slowed it down. The other place was here:
I honestly cannot see how that phrase is necessary at all; it actually ruins this close moment a bit. I believe that if the story did not have that phrase, it would be better.
But that's just me; again, I'm not a good writer, so I don't know how this will affect your story in your eyes.
Finally, I reach the plot of this. There's really nothing to complain about; it's a tender scene with the two Cakes having sex in a shower. The addition of the wintry outside and the consideration for the others in the house were nice touches that added to the realism and dimension of this, methinks. I've no complaints.
So there's my review, and I have to favorite this story. The descriptions were stimulating and sweet, the character interactions were very nice, the plot was well done, and the grammar was perfect. I will complain that you have some phrases that take me out of the moment and jar the pacing, but that may be just me; the other authorial statements you had in there added to the mood, and therefore weren't a problem.
I again reiterate that I am not a good writer, so take all of my comments with a grain of salt. It is an excellent story (don't take that as a grain of salt).
I wish you the best of your talents with your future endeavors.
1804743
This comment is awesome and I love it. So much appreciation for you taking a microscope and scalpel to the story like you did. I could hardly ask for better feedback. If my brain stops being dopey, I'll give a more detailed response, but for now, thanks
Awww, Chucky, I didn't know you had such a loving little piece rattling around in your brain.
This little tale was great. It's short and sweet, but that's all it's going for. The descriptive language used brings the scene alive, and your word choice and rhythm are superb.
You spent a good amount of effort focusing on feeling and emotion which brings us deeply into the mindset of the cakes and keeps the reader immersed in the love and desire the couple shares.
I'd say more, but I'd just be heaping more praise and reiterating what others have already said, so I'll once again simply say, "great story".
They fucked, nuff said.
1804382>>1804702>>1804524>>1805197
SO MUCH PRAISE FROM AWESOME PEOPLE, EGO IS APPROACHING CRITICAL MASS!
1805197
If 'sweet and loving' is your speed, I did a similar thing with The Mayor and the Griffon. I'd love to know your thoughts on that, since you and AnonAuthor are giants of the 'sweet and loving' genre.
1805287
Quite the odd pairing, which I remember was why I didn't check it out when I first saw it when I was browsing along, but if it's on par with this, then I have no doubt I'll enjoy it.
1805310
Awesome. Let me reiterate once more that I love your and AnonAuthor's stuff. This was my reaction when you commented (and to be fair, when half the other authors that commented here):
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1805319
.
I still get a bit nervous when ponies recognize my name and react like that... I doubt I'll ever get used to it, but I certainly understand it since I reacted much the same way when an author I look up to offered to help me out
Anyway, I'm gonna throw some love your way in my blog post, because this little gem really needs some time in the feature box.
Good times.
Kinky and sexy.
I like.
Thank you for this story,
Yah, I sound weird but it was good.
The description of the the two in the acts portrayed something both routine and all new yet new.
It show that the two of them are still very attracted to each other and that there relationship is still strong after all the years.
It also showed the attraction the two still feel for each other.
Plus, for me I like the Cake family.
Thank you
1821359
Funny you say that, I think it's a generational thing. Like, from the fifties to the seventies, loads of marriages were shitty and unhappy and it's reflected in the sitcoms, comics, movies and everything else of that era. People writing in the eighties and nineties grew up on that stuff, so it filtered into their perceptions and they added it without really thinking, but in reality, unhappy marriages have been getting rarer. Not because we're all better people, but because marriage isn't something we need to enter and because most marriages end in divorce. I think for our generation (i'm assuming without reason that you're in my generation), our reaction to a bitterly hateful 'Lockhorns' style marriage where they've been together twenty years and can't stand each other isn't "hah, marriage, am I rite?" but instead "jesus, get a divorce already." I nowadays people hear that a couple have been together a decade, and our main thought is 'jeez, they must really be right for each other.'
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Seriously though, had a bit a a joygasm there
there is no need to said anything about this story, you surly now how to write a erotic story without making it sound stupid, a rare talent.
*thump up+ like+follow*
and for the LOLZ:
>pudgy
I lost it there. I must have played too much dota.
Short and sweet, I like this.
I'm still waiting on the pip x spike x CMC clop fic. I'M STILL WAITING!!!
in the mean time... have a moustashe
2074793
Speak of the devil, i'm working on it right now.
thats nice...
One too many spaces follow that semicolon.
Minds.
Comma splices.
The only thing I can say that is wrong with this story is that it makes all of your other fics feel a little bit emptier.
I guess Pip's Day Off will just have to move down to my second favorite work of yours.
Lovely.
Her tail raises without thinking and she bows her head, letting hot water run down her face and neck, preparing for the best part of waking up...ITS FOLGERS IN YOUR CUP!
Short, sweet, to the point, and lovely. Slightly inspirational, even.
Ahhh, now that's exactly what I needed after reading Couch. Something so bloody heartwarming that you can't help but smile. Plus, it's a nice way to learn how to emphasize feeling over the sex; hell, you didn't even need to focus on the sex much in order to get the feeling across.
A nice, short story about the best part of the morning for these two, and I really got a sense that they did love each other, no matter what.
Ah crap, now I feel warm and fuzzy inside... wish I could write, I'd do some kind of fluff fic between two OCs or something...
I don't often read Mature fics, but when I do, by Jove do they leave a smile on my face. This was great, sensual and sweet.
I can appreciate a good story that isn't just sex for the sake of it.
Have a thumb
Shit, Chuckfinley, why do you have to make me feel like a totally-in-every-way-never-possibly-able-to-stack-up-writer-that-should-call-it-quits? Once again, you positively awe me with your prowess and make me swear to write better, even though I feel like I will never amount to anything close to what you've done. Go'damn, reading your prose is like sex for the eyes...
_Π_
-_Ƣ ~ Stay classy
5265387
Fun fact: I wrote this story planning-to-posting in three hours. And I don't even like it.
5265391 I think you might have just killed me twice. The first when you killed my heart and the second when my body realized that it was in fact already dead.
In all honesty, how and why? How do you manage to do it - and in three hours no less! And why do you not care for it? It was sweet and sensual, long enough to entertain and not get full of itself... I mean, writing lust is one thing. 'Oh sweet Celestia, I want to rut your brains out!' is nowhere hear as hard as writing, 'Oh sweet Celestia, every little thing you do is magic...now rut me love-bunny!'
IMHO, I think you might be way too hard on your work if you don't care for this.
5265404
Nothing wrong with it as such, it's just not really my thing. Too short, too sweet. The favorite romance fic I've ever written is still Winter Warmer.
5265413 Yeah, I can understand that. Winter Warmer isn't my bag of kinks, but you're right it is good and I will concede, in several ways superior to Morning Glow. Still, for me personally, I like this fic better.
But AB greasing DT's ass up with butter, before dominating her ass with a strap-on in the woodshed? That was a nice touch. I woulda had her squealing like a pig, but that's just me...