This looks amazing. I don't have time to read it right now, as I am currently working on the newest chapter of my own story. But I will be sure to check it out as soon as possible.

Oh and -- first!

That's a very promising first chapter. Love the characterizations. Great work! Can't wait for more!

Hahhahahahaha

A little bit of Stark and a little bit of Casanova.

I've just read a bit, just a bit, on clover; it looks less like pot and more like qat.  Maybe it's better when smoked?

Gives "Clover the Clever" a whole new meaning.

I dont know about Pipsqueak SAVING the holiday, more Pinkie and Twilight's thanks there.

Other than that, not bad.

This was bloody funny and cleverly written, some of the jokes within made me giggle damn loudly. Loving the characterisation and all that jazz - keep up the great work.

I expected this to be somewhat like "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

Pipsqueak: Pardon my Prench, but Featherweight is so tight, that if you shoved a piece of coal up his flank, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond.

Fuck yes, a FBDO fic. Keep it going, I'm definitely tracking this.

So, Snips and Snails are trying to pick up chicks by dressing like drag-queens and behaving like rapists.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png

Just another reason the fandom hates those two, there isn't a bus short enough for them.

I liked that this was fic about these characters in their late teens and they behave exactly like reckless hormone driven teenagers.

Peace Out.

awesome! Insta Fav!

I could read this for featherweight's lines alone!

But why would you write it in present tense?

This is one of the best fanfics I've ever read. Give yourself a pat on the back, or a celebratory hit, or eat some bath salts and go munch on a tasty face, whatever you want to do. Eagerly awaiting more.

I need more. And I need it now.

Fecking brilliant.

This is all about the humor from the Blueblood stories: the best part.

Nice nice nice. Keep it up mate!

Actually, hes a British spotted pony.

Feature inc. Damn I'm loving it.

More please

wow...

i enjoyed reading this fic! ^^

"Before we started this little deal he ate so many pastries he was legally pudding."

That is, without a doubt, one of the greatest lines I've ever read in a fan fic. EVER. I love this so much.

hope he gets with luna at the end

I am going to hit that tracking button so hard it comes out of the back of my computer.

this is good keep going

When I saw schadenfreude, I knew this would be good. That is one of my favourite words and frankly I don't see it enough.

Regardless, that was one of the best stories I've read. The characterisation is fantastic, the language great (Love all the 'real' English in there as well) and this story sounds just like I'd imagine teen-aged ponies to be like If the show was for a slightly more mature audience. For some reason Pip is kind of reminding me of a mix of Captain Jack Harkness, Tony Stark.. and someone... I'll remember eventually. But Jack Stark Someone Pip is best Pip.

Want more.

>>849008849008 Wait, Jack Harness? Who the hell is that?

>>849941849941

From the Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood.

>>849941849941

From the Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood.

>>841262841262

Sweet, looking forward to your opinion on it

>>841658841658 >>845595845595 >>845747845747 >>846072846072 >>846160846160 >>846381846381 >>846613846613 >>847396847396 >>848411848411 >>848572848572

Awww you guys are awesome

>>841679841679 >>849008849008

With Pip, I was aiming for a sexually-deviant, arrogant Bertie Wooster. Why Tony Stark, btw?

Also Schadenfreude is totes awesome

>>847509847509

That one went through quite a few revisions, glad to see it worked!

>>846595846595

I can only hope

>>846448846448

His mother gets around, okay?

>>845785845785

It's just a thing, I like writing that way. If I don't think it works at the end, I might change it to 3rd person.

>>845517845517

Maybe behind the scenes, but the foals of Ponyville thought he saved it with his Scary Butt Fun.

>>845625845625 >>845639845639

I was actually thinking more Dazed and Confused or Superbad, set over 24 hours about a variety of different teenagers, but there's definitely some FBDO in there too.

>>847672847672

Luna gets a mention, but that particular ship ain't sailing m'fraid...

>>850013850013

I was talking about tense, not perspective. First person perspective is fine; I like it alot myself. But reading a story in present tense feel awkward, at least for the first 1000-2000 words.

>>850013850013

Because Pip is just barely coming off as arrogant, like a very young Stark.

But given who you suggested , I'd say you hit the nail on the head.

>>850089850089

Gah, I read present tense, I knew you were talking about present tense, I was going to write that I might change it to past tense, but it came out as third person. Brain doesn't work...

>>850105850105

I'm definitely trying for slightly arrogant and a little callous when it comes to idiots. Slap me if I deviate too far from that in later chapters.

I haven't read this yet, I'm too busy now and to be honest will forget about it and never get round to reading it. Going by some of the comments it appears you have based Pip on yourself.

>>850326850326

Ugh. When the notification popped up, I thought it was a comment from a proper person.

>>850336850336 What is your problem?

>>850385850385 Well seeing how you had to make a new account just to troll this story, I think the burden of explanation falls to you.

>>850400850400

Nah, Rick Liddle Guy is a mate from IRL. He just be jelz of my amazing writing skillz.

>>850412850412 So you don't need a total stranger to defend your author's honor?

Carry on then.

I bet you the next chapter will involve Dinky giving them REAL clover rather than what they expected.

I imagined Pip being like Tony Stark as they have a similar personality in this story. I wouldn't say he's narcissistic like Tony but it sure as hell reminded me of him. He's also a complete womaniser... So... there's something at least

definitely not the sub-genre of romance I usually dabble with but its good that I find someone decent with it.

and its good that you know a bit of the trottingham lingo. but damn me that just can't be pip, suspension of disbelief on its limits. this just aint equestria and i cant say its all that bad

>>845656845656

Pick-Up Artists are a real thing. I may be exaggerating a little, but not by much.

>>855418855418

Exactly. It's a vaguely mystical system backed up with lots of hypotheticals, weird rituals and sciency sounding stuff that claims to be a set of cheat codes for real life, like neurolinguistic programming or wing chun kung fu. The exact type of thing that would draw in dudes like Snips and Snails, because they don't have the basic knowledge to realise that it's shite.

Read this.

Read this.

Read this.

“Are you a dumbass, Pina?”

“YES! HELP MEEE!”

Read this. Still funny.

Read this.

Read this.

Read this.

Snails knows something about salmonella, Snails knows a lot about salmonella, and he's not going to stop talking about salmonella until he's satisfied that he's added his valuable input on salmonella.

Read this too! Mostly, anyway. That last "on salmonella" really sells the line- I can just hear Pip half-pausing to take a breath just before it. Now that I have a webcam I should record myself reading out loud sometime. Or possibly not. In any case- still brilliant. I love how Pip just drops the subject and goes back to "No, the market sounds fine."

“Pip! YOU CHANGED THE RADIO PRESETS! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT PIP WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! PIP!”

I can hear this voice. In my head. It is ungodly amusing.

NEW STUFF

“PIPSQUEAK GET OUT HERE! GIVE ME YOUR SPLEEN!”

I nearly died. Featherweight is completely right about this one.

This muffin is what Discord feels when he's getting head from a pair of succubi.

"Huffing diabetes" was pretty funny. This is... I'm not sure what this is. But I like it.

They gaze, half-lidded, into each others eyes and sink into a kiss. It's a simple kiss, not a long kiss or a sloppy snog, but there's decades of love and passion packed into it. It makes me a little jealous, and more than a little horny.

D'awwwwwPIPSQUEAK. Still, nice. Good to know there's no chance of any real homewrecking here. (Which reminds me- where are the twins?)

“Thanks for that, dearie. Honestly, the things I have to do for Carrot to sit up and take notice sometimes...”

Ohhh. Clever girl. This is the aforementioned business, I assume... I like it.

Featherweight looks deeply bemused by this. “They've been married for years, can't she just say to him 'Dearie, please dip your spoon in my honeypot?'”

“It's a bit odd, I'll admit. I think she grew up with a bunch of Cosmarepolitans and dating guides that say sex and relationships only work if you never discuss the sex or the relationship with your special somepony.”

“What? Was Cosmare written for mute ponies back then?”

This is one of those bits that elicits not actual laughter, but a sharp derisive "HAH" at the recipient of the well-deserved mockery. Seriously, Cosmo, stop. Just stop.

That's Spike, Ponyville's resident dragon. I like the guy. He's cultured and well educated, he's an out-of-towner city kid like me, he's decent enough to cut loose but mature enough to keep his head and have your back when things go downhill, and I love the whole 'turning into a three-hundred foot greed monster' thing he's got going on. He spots us before we can call out to him, and canters over to us. He's giggling madly.

The greed monster thing has happened again? That's unfortunate.

Read this read this read this still funny rapist charades... new stuff!

It looks a bit like flirting, but it's not fun and there's no sex afterwards.

A wry summary.

Oh god, the wrenches! I love the indirect narration. It takes a hell of a movie to not be outdone by its own MSTing and I think you've used that fact well here. Plus, frankly, summoning wrenches is pretty cool.

“Yo, she's right there,” says Chowder, pointing towards the food stalls. Twilight Sparkle is trotting past Blendy's smoothie stand, saddlebags bulging. Snips and Snails see her, and-

No they're not.

-they walk right up to her-

Oh no they're not.

Oh God.

Oh, God.

This is going to be either an incredible flank-kicking or a masterpiece of awkward.

Let's watch.

...

I have to admit, I wasn't expecting both. I'm impressed.

“I think they're on...” She pauses and looks from side to side, “The drugs."

Twilight, I would be disappointed in you if this weren't so in character.

“I think so, guys,” she says sadly, “I don't see anything wrong with clover or even a little bit of salt at parties, but I think they're into something worse. It could be super-strains of clover, concentrated salts, locoweed, slab, cake, magical designer substances, or drugs that don't even have names! If you could convince them to talk to Nurse Redheart...”

... and she sticks the landing! With a remarkably reasonable explanation, too! Nicely done.

“Oh but Spiiike, they had books! Books! My one weakness!” Spike just rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

You write some good Twilight, sir.

... That is a ridiculous plot. How did that novel ever get published? For the lulz, I assume. And they are such wonderful lulz. As was this!

>>856630856630

Awesome, a LSD commentary!

Glad to see some of the newer stuff worked too

Oh, that bit about the novel at the end wasn't a joke. Switch 'Con Mane' for 'James Bond' and 'Tarandroland' for 'Russia' and that's quite literally the plot of 'From Russia With Love.' James Bond novels are trashy as fuck.

I'm glad i finally made time to read this. I wanna see Pip hitting the crusaders just to see there present personalities emerge. Update!!

Er hitting ON the crusaders....

>>856763856763

OK, that was actually a pretty clever use of the unfortunate acronym that comes from my first standardized nom de Internet.

I still hate that acronym, though.

I should make a blog post about this, or something, just to get it on the front of my profile. "If you must shorten my name, call me Sally. Or Salu. Or Violet.* Anything that isn't LSD, pretty much."

*Yes, those last two are relevant. Try googling them. For best results, both at once.

>>856886856886

Ahh, comic books reference! Not mainstream or British enough for me to get instantly...

...I feel like an undereducated lout now....

>>853446853446

I'm a britfoal, so it'd be a bit of a poor show if I couldn't

>>857023857023

No worries; the Legion is fairly obscure even within comics. And in any case, one day, when I'm not using hamstrung public wifi, I will educate you.

>>857057857057

Speaking of the Legion, did you see Seanbaby's last comic book article on Cracked? The one that mentioned Bubble Boy's Backstory? I am in constant awe of that dude's writing abilities.

>>857095857095

I try to stay away from Cracked.com (because I like having time for, I don't know, anything else), but I'm still guessing you mean Bouncing Boy.

>>857103857103

Damnit, that's the one, not the one with John Travolta. Goddamn brain!

>>857023857023

I can tell... since I'm a brit colt.

wait a minute thats only half the plot of From Russia With Love...you forgot the part about him trying to not get killed by the assassin....

sry im a big james bond fan

>>856763856763

Wait, I thought Tarandroland was Northern Europe.  

>>875801875801

Well, yeah, but I take any opportunity to drop an Under The Northern Lights reference into any story of mine...

>>875808875808

And apparently Eye of Argon.  

>>875824875824

You noticed! If I could give out cookies over the internet, I'd be giving one to you,

I've been reading a lot of Robert E Howard lately, and I've realised that plotwise, Eye of Argon would make a passable Conan story. The author was unfortunately hamstrung by the fact that he didn't know what words meant, a crippling malady for any would-be writer. Also, it always squiggs me out when anyone refers to eyes as 'orbs.' 'Orbs' is an evocative metaphor, but it brings an entirely different body part to mind...

I am so eagerly awaiting more of this story, Pipsqueak is adorable! WHYFOR WE NO HAVE PIPSQUEAK PIRATE EMOTE?! Have a moustached Spike instead!

hash browns slathered in brown sauce and butter-drenched scrambled eggs on toast

What is this duckeh? No marmite?! Blasphemy!

I love this story and your writing style.

I cannot wait for more!

So... Moar? Wen Moar?

>>975587975587

Chapter 2 draft should be finished today, then sent off to my pre-reader. It will be up a few hours after he replies.

Yay! I've been waiting for this. And my body is ready.

Yay! It's here!

And DAMN was it everything I hoped it would be. I mean... This is like reading Trainspotting if Guy Richie and Terry Pratchett joined up. I don't have enough words but... DAMN!

The bourbon will be gone. It will be like Captain Jack Sparrow's rum. WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD DRINKS ALWAYS GONE?!?!?

Absolutely brillo rant against those twats in the beginning.

Heh, and a Discworld reference? Fantastic.

I think I love you Chuck Finley.

Then again, everyone loves Chuck Finley! (just watched the Fall of Sam Axe before reading this.)

Also, poor Lickety Split

... lol

OH GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY.

I absolutely adore Pip. I would SO do him were I a pony. He is like David Tennant crossed with me crossed with a terribly sinister sense of humour. Fantastic. Can't wait to see how this will turn out.

5 bucks says shit will hit the fan and Pip will have to prove he can indeed stand up do idiots (and catch a hoof to the snout in the process).

I like how damn near everyone in this is kind of a douche bag, but that's kinda the point because that's how teenagers act. I kinda like that you made Shady Days into a massive dickhead, but the type that's alright to hang out with in small doses. It feels real because I know people like that. They're the type of guys that will give you a ride home, but you have to deal with their abrasive personalities. In that aspect I have to agree with the rest of Pipsqueak's friends in that Shady isn't all that bad and you know where that kind of person is gonna end up in five years, most likely as a police officer after they dropped out of college.

Last, Testicle Warlock would make a great a great band name.

Image: http://www.torrentsland.com/upload/preview/images/music/4/6/1/1bc8d3944c1883993d11375ae6ff4b78.jpg

"WE'RE TESTICLE WARLOCK AND IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN BOSTON, YEAAAAAAH!!!!!!!"

There needs to be a period after Knife and Apple, and I think there's an extra line break just before that paragraph.

Sweetie belle blushes and grins. "Aww, thanks guys! I saw so nervous though, it was my first ever paid gig! It was really sweet of you guys to come."

Belle should be capitalized.

"Well Sweetie," I say, "While your performance was delightful and deserves a good write-up; I should tell you as an external advisor to the Foal Free Press that we all like money."

The semicolon should be a comma.

She rolls her eyes and tosses the ball backwards, balancing it behind her between her large orange wings. "Sheesh, if you can't take one little ball of a filly like me, how are you going to win a whole game of water polo?"

The first "of" should be "off".

"Good game though, fellas," says Apple Bloom, "Don't feel too bad or nothin', we nearly enden up Cutie Mark Water Polo Champions back in the day."

"enden" should be "ended".

"Bloody hay, Apple Bloom, what do you sleep on, bricks and strychnine?" I say, bearing down on this spot.

This is still funny, but I think a word has vanished from this dialogue since I last saw it. Not sure if that was intentional, but it makes it harder to picture.

"Nah, all that's in the past, mostly," says Apple Bloom. "Can't say ah always see eye-to-eye with Tiara, but we're business minded sorts and we ain't gonna risk eithers our family business over some school-foal crap."

Not sure if "eithers our family business" is a grammar error on your part, a typo, or just what you think Apple Bloom would say here.

[centre]* * *[/centre]

Not sure what happened here, but I'm guessing it's the whole "separated by a common language" thing between you and the people who wrote BBCode. Try "center" instead?

There's a period missing at the end of "No luck so far, unfortunately".

"We'll see you there dude," says Featherweight.

Needs a comma after "there".

"Yeah, and we need to get baked, let's head on to Dinky's," says Featherweight."

Still has that extraneous quotation mark at the end.

Smoking this stuff is like being sat down on the most comfortable chair ever made and then being shot in the face with an electric orgasm cannon.

There's nothing wrong with this at all. It made me snort out loud. Nicely done.

... Revelation: adding "electric" to something weird in conversation is for ponies what adding "magic" to something weird in conversation is for humans.

Look, my point is I don't fuck about when it comes to clover.

It sounds like you've unintentionally given Dinky a bit of Trottingham diction here; the Americanized version is "fuck around". (If this was in the prereading version I apologize for not catching it then.) Also, later on you have her use "ain't" and "or nothing", both of which sound natural from Apple Bloom and Scootaloo when she's trying to be cool, but very weird from somepony who reads chemistry texts in her spare time and is trying to avoid the bit-ante crook archetype.

Nice work with the chemistry set.

Clover takes away the urge to fight or run which isn't the best idea around these parts; and although salts make you more alert , we're very close to the Everfree.

The space between "alert" and the comma needs to go.

"Plain-old non-imaginary insects under your coat" is pretty damn good, though.

“...what would happen if you were infinitely anti-high and infinitely knurd?” she asks.

“Couldn't happen. If you could see everything, you wouldn't go into accountancy. QED.”

"We're already set to go, we're there on business," says Featherweight through a mouth full of smoke. "I'm writing an article *cughh* -writing an article the Press, and I want to pick up some Wasp Jericho comics."

There should probably be something between "writing an article" and "the Press", like "for" or maybe "in".

Spike needs no mention, he got pretty much every fan in town into the show in the first place. There is a look a nerd gets when they have introduced several ponies to something awesome, and they are all gushing about it. It's like a grin but more so. Spike is the platonic ideal of that look.

You gave Spike my look! :truestory: I don't care if that's not an emoticon; if you're reading this you know what it means.

I sigh with relief. "Stars above, finally. I didn't want to be the first pony to say it. I love Nicola Murray shipped with Rachael Maddow more than I love my family."

The political commentator is named Rachel- one a, one e.

"What? Heavens no, Feathers, we're cocky roguish colts. They're dickheads. We're not dickheads, Featherweight, I'm sure of it."

The new italicization is good, but "I'm sure of it" still feels like an oddly clipped-sounding phrase to use when the speaker feels he is laying out the incredibly obvious to someone who has so far managed not to notice it. But I've said that before, so at this point I'll understand if you just disagree.

"Spud," I say.

"Pip, his name isn't Spud," sighs Feathers.

"Of course his name is Spud."

I approve.

Ruby takes another pull from the shisha and then moves over to Chowder. "Okay Twist, what are you going on ab- oh sweet Luna above Chowder, you're like a duvet made of hugs"

There should be a period after "hugs". And probably a comma after "above" as well- or, if you're going for the nonstop words-coming-out-in-an-uncontrolled-torrent sort of sound, no comma after "Chowder". But including one and not the other doesn't exactly work.

In the "opium suppositories" line, "dinky" should be capitalized.

"Stay frosty, bro," says Chowder, his face dark, "Shit gonna get real."

This feels much more stereotypical and flat than the version of the line I read previously, and I don't like that. :-/

Obviously you are still motherfucking hilarious, though. Just some minor stuff here. All the compliments from before still stand.

Can't wait for Pipslut to work his magic

This story just keeps getting better. I can't wait for the next update.

And poor Lickety Split. I feel bad for him.

-Epicpony

P.S. Stay AWAY from the Spa twins. THEY'RE MINE.

I thought for a while this lapsed often into something that acted a bit too much like a whinging treatise on modern society.

Then I realised that it was essentially a pony, countryside, semi-multicultural version of those frighteningly British urban verisimilitudes, and I thereafter felt far more accommodating towards it. Though it isn't free of technical deficiency and the dialogue at points seems to be quite openly constructed, I can't say that I've got much reason to complain. Sure, the ponies are all as far out of character as they can get for being background ponies, but they're all teenagers and so I can't really find any critical fault.

In other words, [this is good].

>>998469998469

Jesus, Salu. You're what a godsend sees when it imagines its parents.

I made almost all of the changes you said, and thanks a million for pointing them out.

Not sure if "eithers our family business" is a grammar error on your part, a typo, or just what you think Apple Bloom would say here.

That was intentional, it's not correct grammar but it seems to roll of my imaginary Apple Bloom's tongue.

It sounds like you've unintentionally given Dinky a bit of Trottingham diction here; the Americanized version is "fuck around". (If this was in the prereading version I apologize for not catching it then.) Also, later on you have her use "ain't" and "or nothing", both of which sound natural from Apple Bloom and Scootaloo when she's trying to be cool, but very weird from somepony who reads chemistry texts in her spare time and is trying to avoid the bit-ante crook archetype.

You're right about the Trottingham diction, I changed it. As for the other stuff, I'm not sure what to do with it now. I'm trying to characterise her as a mare who is very sharp and nerdy and claims not to be a bit-ante crook, but basically is a total bit-ante crook. The kind of person who would have become a trader for Drexel Burnham Lambert in the 1980s, or the main character from Boiler Room.

Basically I need to sit down, think about Dinky and make sure I'm not fucking this up. Thanks for pointing it out in any case

The new italicization is good, but "I'm sure of it" still feels like an oddly clipped-sounding phrase to use when the speaker feels he is laying out the incredibly obvious to someone who has so far managed not to notice it. But I've said that before, so at this point I'll understand if you just disagree.

I wrote down in my 'changes to make' document to switch it for 'I'm bloody certain of it," which I think sounds better, but then forgot...

Fixed now in any case. What do you think?

This feels much more stereotypical and flat than the version of the line I read previously, and I don't like that. :-/

I think there I'd made a change for the sake of changing things. Fixed.

A million thanks again. Best Pre-reader Ever.

Oh thank you for that, it was perfect

>>998653998653

...holy shit that is some good compliment right there. I may glow faintly for the rest of the day.

"Eithers" is good as long as it's what you intended to put. Just had to make sure.

Ah, I think I understand what you're doing with Dinky a bit better now. I'll send you some tips via PM.

"I'm bloody certain" sounds a bit too angry for the point Pip's trying to make, which is that he's being reasonable and everypony against him is being stupid. I might try "fairly certain" instead.

Happy to be here.

(Also next time let me see the final version before you post it, so I can do this kind of thing (especially the spelling and grammar) before it goes live.)

>>998717998717

Looking forward to that PM.

Sorry for not sending it to you, I was being a bad author there I write these things and always miss my self imposed deadlines, and then I stick it up the moment I can without rocks being thrown at me. I'm getting better! I didn't post it without showing you massive chunks of story this time!

Damn. Again? Where the hell do you get this stuff? Tell me so I can try and learn!

Seriously. I'm enjoying the shit out of myself reading this so far then, completely out of nowhere, this:

"Hey, *cuhh* Spike... do you have two dicks?"

I facepalm'd so hard. If I hadn't been in a public place, I'd have literally rolled on the floor laughing. I shit you not. it was hard enough containing the laughter without looking like a fucking lunatic before that part, but that just wasn't even fair.

Great job on another rib-splitting chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed every single sentence.

>>998755998755

You're not a bad writer; you just made a bad decision.

Also don't ever use that Apple Bloom face on me again. I'm pretty sure it's banned under the Geneva Convention.

But yeah. We can't change the past, but you know what to do next time. Don't worry about it.

On a completely unrelated note, the rest of these comments are fun to read! I'm getting that face again.

>>998783998783

I know, right? The bastard cheats, I swear. I don't know how that's possible or what it means, but it's the only explanation that makes any sense.

>>998354998354 I agree with that observation.

>>998892998892

I wouldn't be surprised if he's got an office full of underpaid reindeer interns writing this stuff for him.

That, or my theory about him being a wizard is true.

"Do Golems Dream of Thaumatic Sheep"

I see what you did there.

>>998892998892

>>998926998926

I've told you guys before, I'm utterly shameless about finding people funnier than me and writing things that are horribly derivative of them. If I could afford an office of chained-up interns, I'd be writing for Cracked already...

Also I love these two quotes:

LittleSallyDigby's pre-reading:

I love how completely lacking in context the two dicks question is. It's perfect. People are going to spit their drinks out all over their screens and then try to sue you.

Dreamlike, just now:

"Hey, *cuhh* Spike... do you have two dicks?"

I facepalm'd so hard. If I hadn't been in a public place, I'd have literally rolled on the floor laughing. I shit you not. it was hard enough containing the laughter without looking like a fucking lunatic before that part, but that just wasn't even fair.

>>999038999038

You have to close the quote tags. Also I'm not sure including "=whatever" even works on this site. Let me check.

Ah. It doesn't work, and it makes the close-quote tags disappear. Mystery solved.

Now, I'll just come out and say it: I do not care for these chaps. It's not something specific that they've done, but they're just not at all my type of pony. I'm struggling for the right words here, but simply put they're too... laddish. You got the same sorts back in Trottingham; they're a little different over in Central Equestria, but still the same at heart. You know the type. Cheeky, cheery chaps who only have time for hoofball, beer and fillies. They're lads' lads who love a bit of banter, but they're still ladies' stallions. Those kind of colts.

You know the type. They're the type of colts who never shy away from a good scrap but do it in a cheeky, cheery way. One of them might be up against some sod doing a crazy qi-rin chuan warm up, so he'll just start windmilling on him until the martial artist is on his arse, then he'll make a sly face and all his mates will have a laugh. Afterwards, when they're having a pint, they'll banter about it.

They're the kind of colts where one's always called Spud, and he's cheeky and cheery too but a little bit dim at the same time. He'll be cheeky and cheery in a simple-minded way, like one of the lads will tell a joke about Canterlot nobles and a monkey butler, and the punchline is that the noble's spouse is cheating on her but Spud is laughing because everypony knows that monkeys can't talk. They'll banter about it in the pub afterwards and it'll go over his head, but he won't mind because he's cheeky and cheery and really he's just happy to be out the house.

They love big fights after the hoofball match with the other team's fans, especially if they're from out of town, because getting in scraps like that is real, and not toned-down button-down shit that your bosses and teachers are always telling you to do, and it's very important to be real and not a toned-down button-down type. Society wants you to be a toned-down button-down type, and letting society emasculate you like that is a short step away from becoming a metrosexual who uses conditioner.

this should be about 30% of the current word count above

Damn.  You have nailed teenage culture perfectly.  I've never seen any other fanfic like this.

>>999471999471

That skit is a mash note to Stewart Lee. The drawn out lengthiness is intentional.

This chapter has actually given me something to complain about:  you spend way too much time describing "what kind of colts" Shady and his friends are.  WE GET IT.  THEY'RE DOUCHEBAGS.  MOVE THE F*yay* ON.  Go ahead and cut out any of the middle paragraphs CeresBane pointed out above (good way to sum it up Ceres), but leave in the paragraph about their attitudes towards mares.  That was brilliantly written, and it seems important to know.  

But what's more important to say is not to let this story grind to a halt.  I don't know you, but please don't get discouraged for not reaching the 100 thumb mark.  This is a ground-breaking fic to me.  It covers the culture of the semi-retarded-but-still-smart, hormonal teenager and of the stoner, and does it with grown-up foals that are essentially blank canvasses.  Honestly, readers on this site get so skiddish around stories that depict lanes of real life so well.

>>999038999038

I'm not good at that, though! If I try it, I'll end up chopping whole lines of dialogue out of one thing and blatantly copypasting them into my own stuff!

>>999745999745

As I say, that bit was a self indulgent mash note to Stewart Lee. I might double the length to make the joke more obvious.

>>999801999801

I've never even heard of that guy until you posted that comment.  Please don't

>>999842999842

He is easily one of the best British comics. Here is a short, non-exhaustive list of comics he is better than:

Jimmy Carr

Ricky Gervais

Lee Fucking Evans

Lee Hurst

Al Murray the Pub Landlord

Everyone on Mock The Week who isn't Dara O'Briain.

my little ape.

i love it. xD

>>999892999892

I can't argue with you there - I don't know those people either.

It's no surprise to me that you're British.  Pip's dialogue, both outward and inner feels so natural to read with a British Isles accent, and nothing stereotypical like a cokney accent.  What I'm trying to say is, he has authentic British-ness.

Please don't hate me if I say something horrible.  I'm trying my best to be funny.  

>>10008391000839

In fairness, I doubt I could name ten American standups who I don't know from television programs already, so I can't exactly blame you there...

Thanks about the British dialoge. That actually took a fair bit of reading on my part, because a lot of British teenagers written voices would be indistinguishable from American ones, aside from a few subtle tics like 'mess about' instead of 'mess around' and 'pissed off' instead of 'pissed.' There's quite a lot of bleed-over in slang, and if you just transcribed my voice without my silly Mancunian-slash-Westcountry accent, it wouldn't look much different to any given American piece of dialoge.

GEEZUS! The whole "My Little Apes" bit was a riot. I'm seriously considering this as my new favorite fic, though you did spend an excessive amount of time describing Shady, but that's more of an observation than a complaint.

"I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think that would work," says Feathers, shrugging.

half a dozen Fill-Up K Penis sci-fi novels

>>10009091000909

I lol'd very hard at that, I'm not ashamed to say.

Also, I'm liking this game! The Changeling In The High Castle.