When you take a detour, you go a little out of your way to go around, then come back to your previous path and continue to your destination. You don't really think about it much, and it normally doesn't take that long. However, for Jake Weston, his plane, and the two automobiles he was hauling, this was not a normal detour. Get ready, because he's not returning to his previous path anytime soon.
(I encourage everyone to continue reading through the first few chapters even if they find the writing to be "amateur". This is my first fic, and the writing will improve as you move on. Also keep an eye out for the sequel coming soon! Thanks!)
Chapters (58)
i'm willing to give this a shot
you are the first writer to have the main hero accompanied by cars
I am a petrolhead mtself and I approve of this story
Congrats on reaching the popular bar!
Well, I haven't read it all through yet, but I'm surprised that this has already made the feature box. No offense to your story, but I think the math behind the system needs a little bit of fine-tuning.
You're doing what's called an info dump. In the first paragraph alone you tell us what the pilot looks like, where he went to college, his job, and what he flies on the weekends. Not only is it more information than is needed at once, but it all smashes together. In fact, this whole chapter goes too fast. Slow down. Describe stuff.
Oh, and this: Captain Jake Weston was the best. That's what you call a Mary Sue. I must admit that I'm skeptical of this story, but since your spelling and grammar is good I'll keep reading.
The second chapter is better written, but for some reason your spelling and punctuation took a hit.
Okay, in the later chapters you seem to be hitting your stride. I'd like to offer my services as editor if you require them.
Thanks everyone, I do appreciate the criticism since it is my first fanfic. I agree that more description is needed and I intend to fix that in updates. There will be about a one day delay on the newest chapter being posted because I'm starting a new job and have to fill out loads of paper work. Ugh.
I'm going to be technical here:
AREA 51 DOESN'T EXIST.
I love how you're going for correct terminology (niner as opposed to nine, vectors instead of clearances), but the area is not called that and the Federal Government still denies its existence. Air Traffic Controllers in the area usually refer to the area as "Groom Lake," as that's the dry salt lakebed the facility is located on, or as part of the Nevada National Security Site (owned by the Department of Energy) or the Nevada Test and Training Site (owned by the Air Force).
/rant
Love this start. Continue.
Oh shit... LMAO
Area 51, isnt that Nelis AFB? Technically if enough people know it as Area 51, it can be called Area 51. Great story, cant wait for the next update.
Well Area 51 is near a town called Shelby. So that's why i used Shelby tower. I'm a pilot in training so I tend to go for the correct terminology when I can. I realize it's referred to as groom lake and that it's not technically real, but I didn't want to get too technical about everything in the intro. Lol thanks for your input however
2342461 The reply button is just to the upper right, you should use it amigo.
Oh and ill have the next chapter posted tomorrow evening after I get off work. Thanks again for reading!
Nice scene, I like it. Sure hope we can see the plane fly again... And the continued development of this story.
LOL
Well, I am a fan of HiE stories that introduces human technology to Equestria. So I'll keep an eye on this
2342199 Actuly it does you can search it on google images and google maps or google earth and its there they have a bunch of planes that you can see FYI
So I see this in the feature box.
"Ferrari 458"
BOOM, read later'd.
Captain Jake?
Yeah, it's Captain Jack.
Still waiting for my C-130 back.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/016/170/funny-pictures-cat-gravity-wins.jpg
i can not wait to see rainbow face wean he tell time that they have jet pleans that can go mack 1 aka the sonic boom.
Bring it on Jet Set Radio
Haha you had me at Ferrari my good sir!
Ah, the magical land of unconsciousness... I remember the time when a bird offered me a chocolate bar, then it turned out to be a winged monkey holding its own shit...
Poor guy can't catch a break.
I started getting worried when he moved towards the Ferrari to 'she'd some weight'.
Did he really have to change into a pony? It would of been more interesting staying human...oh well.
2342767
Did I say it didn't exist? No, I said that the government denies its existence, and as such the air traffic controller wouldn't call it that.
2342461
Shelby? I thought it was Rachel.
Anyways, I guess I understand your point about not getting too technical, but sometimes I like burying people in terminology to make myself feel better about my intelligence--er, make things more realistic. ^^
MOAR
2341039
Spelling and grammar is good? NO!
Just look at the use of "your" instead of "you're".
Oh, and Mr. Author sir, be careful with your C-130 knowledge. Because I will be watching...
If you had said "a cargo plane loaded with luxury cars", I might have read it.
As it is, your use of exact makes and models in the summary lets me know that this fic almost certainly won't be any good, so I won't.
Okay, let's list everything the comments say: cookie-cutter HiE, Gary Stu, info dumps, ponification...
Just how in the world did this get featured?
2342741
Oh god you're so lame...
Seriously, lay off on the cliches. And the way you glorify your protagonist is just so cringeworthy.
Lifted Dodge 4x4? I'll give it a read.
2344529 ive been seing a lot of you. how about you shut it, k?
To everyone who said the story was lame due to info dumps and the protagonist being too glorified: I understand and intend to fix that with updates. And if you read on, you might see that jake Weston isn't as "glorified" as u might think. Anyways thanks for checking the story out.
Ps:my c-130 knowledge is up to par I assure you.
You should improve on your grammar a bit. Maybe a prereader?
Wow fast updates I like it
Princess Celestia's protégé
Admitted to the hospital
I could have helped you clean this up.
There was a few spelling errors here. I do a lot of editing and i would be more then happy to edit any and all stories you write. just send me and email at owenrgagnon@hotmail.com or message me on my skype, needhelpwithtekkit. Let me know if you're interested in some free editing
Definitely needs some cleaning up and Celestia felt a bit OOC in spots. I'm skeptical of her showing so much concern and anxiety in front of what for all intents and appearances is one of her subjects. As well Are the mane 6 aware that he's from another world at this point or not? Because they act like they are somewhat but then Dash acts brash and cares only about getting clipped rather than being interested in where he's from and how fast he can fly...Needs a good editor to help make stuff clearer but an interesting idea.
2340351 Holy crap fugly duckling, WHY THE HELL TO WE KEEP MEETING EACH OTHER?!
I believe the fecal matter has hit the ocillating device.
2344529 Listen, kid. This is HIS story. You cannot force him to write something. You can leave a suggestion and hope he likes it. So quit being a whining little kid an man up.
Thanks again for the heads up on the grammar mistakes. At this point however I have a close friend who offered to do my editing since I can simply send him the entire chapter via iMessage. And I'm going to try to post the next chapter by tomorrow afternoon. If not then definitely tomorrow night. Again, thanks for reading!
Flyboy...
Where have I heard RD say that name before. I think it has to do with the Blue Angels...