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Where the HELL am I? Last thing I knew me and my spotter were providing overwatch for a convoy but now I'm in a forest that was no where near my position. I know this because with all that green it would easily stand out in all the sand. Is there any possible way that I can get home or am I going to be stuck here with all these weird talking horse things?
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This is my first story and am looking forward to writing it through to the end. I would like to hear what everyone has to say about it and will take any critics and keep them in mind while writing.
This could use improvement, but generally sounds moderately interesting so far.
There are a lot of places where commas are lacking, but other than that, I haven't spotted much that I can rant about, so... good job so far!
The only other errors I can really spot involve wording.
I.E.: No sooner had he said this when all of a sudden the scope to his rifle shatter and everything seemed to slow down as I saw him fall back away from the table and shortly afterwards hear the loud report of a second sniper rifle going off.
Goodness, that is a long sentence.
Perhaps you could break down longer sentences with breaks and commas, such as follows: No sooner had he said this when all of a sudden, the scope to his rifle shattered; time itself seemed to slow down as I saw him fall back away from the table. Shortly afterwards, I heard the loud report of a second sniper rifle going off.
That is all.
1354426
I had a feeling that commas might be an issue due to the fact that I don't really have anyone editing it but myself and two others proof reading for major errors. I'm glad to hear that someone is at least interested.
Probably this story is a bit 'chiclishic' (I don't even think this word existaed before) you know, a soldier die ad pop out in equestria , I stubled in this sort of story lots of time, but over that the ponies seems act like in character.
I think something nice can come out of this story if the story don't stumble in other clique
wow i sund like some fancy reviever, but it took like 30 min. for writing something that probably is basic english, and with bad grammar too.. being italian sometimes suck
Interesting... Keep up the good work...
1355104
I understand what you mean by this being a bit of a cliche, I just wanted to give it my spin on it while adding something of my own into it too. Its kind of hard for many stories relating to the military to not be similar in some things, or a lot if you want to get really picky about it.
hmmm...PT, tour, whip some bullies in the ass at their own game. Good chapter
Once again a shout out to Wubwave and MasterBrony2012 for proofreading the chapter and making sure I don't screw up the characters.
"And so the waiting begins."
And so the great wait begins, with our heros waiting a terrible wait against the wait.
That was just terrible
1553030
I was a little sleepy and the chapter was getting away from me... I tried to end it before it took a nasty turn. Once I think of a better ending I do plan on changing it.
1553132
XDDDD
No, I was talking about my sarcastic (maybe) remark about the ending, you can leave everything as is I swear!
rvb reference?
1681429
I thought it was appropriate.
Yes I did throw in a RVB reference in there.
1683594 im sure if agent washington came to equestria he would say that
Very nice job, I normally don't like humans as ponies stories, but you are doing very well.
1684826
Why thank you, the reason I thought to make him a pony is so that he has to at least relearn somethings and to level the playing field so to speak. It would have been a little over kill for him to come straight in being able to use his weapons to their full extent.
1684907
Yeah, I guess that makes sense. However I always like the initial confusion and shock of meeting a human. Well, anyways keep up the good work
1684959
Oh don't you worry about not getting it that little shock I have something in mind.
1684989
ahh excellent. Well, good luck sir or ma'am.
1684907
Speaking of weapons, I was wondering what happened when the timber wolves attacked. He opened up with that 50-cal and the mares didn't react at all to it. Correct me if I'm wrong but guns in general are quite loud and machine guns are very loud, especially to somepony who's never even seen one before. Why didn't most of Ponyville come looking to see what was making all that racket? Aside from thunder and DJ Pon-3's base cannon, I doubt there's anything as loud as his guns.
p.s. He needs to conserve ammo since there's no way to replace it. Assuming it's not all confiscated by Celestia.
1686708
Actually during the fight he used the M16 which fires 5.56×45mm NATO rounds, not quite as loud but you do make a good point as there would still be noise. I am for the most part having the story follow Adam and since he was preoccupied with what he was doing, he was not aware of the girls reaction to his weapons. If more people are wanting that detail however I am sure I can make it fit.
a guy threw him across a table that dude is a cockmonster
1687400
I'm just going by what nearly every encounter before has done when you show off guns to the natives. Either they run off screaming (pacifist types would, especially Fluttershy, if not faint dead away on the spot)... or try to swipe them so they can make their rival natives run off screaming (Rainbow Dash comes to mind here, "I haz thunder sticks!"). This analogy also works when you have aliens land on Earth and show off their zappy guns. Needless to say, more than a few scheming humans get all sneaky and grabbylimbs to possess a leg up in the arms race on that horribly violent planet.
In any case... please do continue. I'm looking forward to how modern tactics will compare to Equestrian military ideas. Magic stunting the growth of technology, while replacing it in other areas. And from an alien point of view [human] I'm really curious why ponies haven't tried crossing higher technology with magic in a synergistic cooperation. (Well, that's easy, Equestria doesn't need giant technomagic robots stomping around. They're peaceful, you bloodthirsty barbarian) Ah, I seem to have answered my own question there. Carry on.
I love military in equestria stories, there should be more of them, yours is especially awesome!
1705281
Why thank you. I too am always looking for a good human military in Equestria story myself and decided to throw in my hat.
I forgot I faved this! FAK!
Very Nice Keep up the good work.
1739972
What is it that you don't like about it?
1740459
Thank you.
My nipples wish for MOAR......if you dont mind, that is.
1743606
Writing the next chapter right now.
Very good, I enjoyed every bit of this chapter.
Absolutely love that the Original Character is a U.S. Solider... any way, keep it up this story is absolutely amazing.
1686708
I forgot to correct another part of your question, he isn't carrying a 50 cal. machine gun but a M82 50 cal. anti-material rifle.
Great story! MOAR of that!
Eh, I'm too tired to type anything else ...
*snore* AGH! I'm awake...
But good story next update!
As the wubtatstic vinyl would say: 'needs more wubs!'cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-vdetermined.png
Spellcheck hits grammarcheck! Grammarcheck is stunned!
in turn
Woo, still an awesome story. Although I cannot help but cringe as Pinky always seems to know who the former combat aliens are and aims the party cannon at them. And yes, there was a squee when Derpy showed up at the party, dumping muffins on our hero. So cute!
1808420
Thank you for the catch on that, I'll will have to go in and change that.
*EDIT*
Fixed
"Now Texas is on the southern portion of the country and in that area this accent is common, but compared to others mine isn’t as thick."
Correction, only the minority of people have a southern accent in Texas. You only find people who have that accent in rural farm areas. Texas is host to many cities. Houston the 4rth largest city in the United States, actually has a larger population then New York. It isn't official, because, they included every single suburban area around Houston. (they counted the suburban areas in NY too, but most people live in the city there.) Most people who work in Houston, don't live in Houston, but live in the surrounding areas. (Houston city isn't that safe of a place)... Houston, TX is one of the few states that have NO coperate tax, as a result many coperations put there headquarters there, resulting in a large population of people who DON't have accents.. Hell, I'm Texan, and when I meet the small minority of Texans that do have that accent, I rip on them pretty hard... Only 2% of our total population in the U.S. Is in agriculture, and it is the 2% that live in rural areas that usually develop that accent... the accent AJ has is actually MUCH different then an actual Texan accent...... Hell, there is NO southern accent. Each southern state and the areas that have those type of accents are all VERY different. Most people just get confused and add them all together when typing... People like to make it seem like AJ has a mental disorder instead of having an accent... The only thing that AJ does that would really be considered a texan accent is when She says Ya'll which is abbreviated for You All.... Meh, I applaud you on the accent though. You didn't go overboard like many authors do, or get confused between being ignorant and stupid and having an accent.
1808616
I was trying to be general and not go too terribly in depth because I knew I would screw up along the way. I actually live in one of those areas outside of Houston. A lot of the speech he uses is my own wording when I talk. I understand that it isn't as common as rural areas because as you said Houston has a rather large population that have come from other places do to its lack of taxes on corporate. I just thought it would be easier for the reader to get a better understanding of how he sounds.
I am glad that you pointed this out, it shows that people are looking at and can point out any errors I will make.
I also made it a point as to not say where AJ's accent came from because I don't know what they had in mind when they were creating her character, I just said that they were similar.
Over all do you like the story?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH DDDDDDDAAAAAAYYYYYUUUUUUUMMMMMM
YOLO IS A LIE
good story.
Awesome, another chapter, and I found one error "Angel" should be "Angle" other than that I don't see anything else, besides I'm not a grammar nazi so I wouldn't really instantly catch anything else.
I shall wait for the next chapter my friend!
1976191
I already finished the next two chapters (the internet has been down at my house so shit actually got done) and they are being edited. Thank you for pointing that out, I had a feeling something was wrong.
Trees; A pilots worst nightmare.
The youtube URL is not taking me anywhere?
1976388
Fixed
"Fuck Trees", I lol'ed at that .
Tree's really are the enemy.
1976419
that was faster than i expected.
1976506
I had it open so it only took a couple of seconds.