My Harshwhinnial

by horizon

Chapter 18: Postmortem Script

Author's Note:

My friends, I have sad news: Luther Blissett has left us before his time.

I must admit with some shame that we were never particularly close — I merely preread the first chapters of the story we both believed was his life's great work, and helped him set up this account to post it. We also had our disagreements, such as when he told me I had brought shame to his cats by allowing his sister to ruin his story, and told me that I was banned forever from his story and also banned in the place where I was banned to. Despite several attempts to get ahold of him after that and patch things up, he never replied to me.

But last month I thought I'd try one last time to track him down, for old time's sake. He didn't seem to have a Facebook or any other social media accounts I could find, but I searched the web for the address Luther gave in his Pony Fiction Vault interview and ran across his obituary.

Apparently he was found in the restroom of the Wal-Mart he worked as a greeter for, along with a can of paint thinner, a frozen chicken, a Swiss Army knife, four Twilight Sparkle plushies, a circle of lit candles, and a picture of his mother taped to the mirror, her hair colored over with green and pink and blue crayons. However, nobody's sure what his intentions were, because as he was getting started a loose ceiling tile fell and hit him on the head, and he died from asphyxiation due to the nosebleed caused when he collapsed.

I tried tracking down his sister Amanda and expressing my condolences. I also asked if she would be willing to pass on Luther's story notes, or anything that would bring closure to his fans. She wrote back only: "Thank you for the kind wishes. However, it's probably kindest to let bygones be bygones."

I don't think that's how Luther would have wanted it, to be honest. Back in the day, this story meant so much to him. Even if his enthusiasm deflated with the Amanda Incident, this deserves a proper sendoff.

So I bought an Ouija board.

That … didn't go so well. (I've linked to my GoFundMe down in the comments, so if you can help me find a new place to replace the house that burned down, click on through.) But before the fire and the screaming, I did manage to get "PNE MOAS DHAFTRE" out of it, which looks really close to "one moar chaptre", a phrase he used to beg for my continued editing help once upon a time. So I figured I was on to something and tried to find a slightly safer method of contacting the other side.

A friend suggested I use something more in keeping with the way he wrote the original story. And I had a flash of inspiration: Why not try to contact Luther via the story itself? So I loaded My Harshwhinnial into a predictive text generator, put it on my surviving laptop, and held a ritual to summon Luther's spirit once again. Fortunately, this time, I was able to escape the city park ahead of the firefighters, and I managed to save the manuscript you see below.

I truly believe that this is, if not how Luther intended to end the tale, then at least as close as we're ever going to get from outside the realms of death.

I hope this brings some closure to the wild ride.

Best,
Baxil
26 April 2019

chapter i don't know: the games of despair

So you probably gave up on me. I don't care. This is now a sports story, so you probably do.

I didn't answer you. It had to be writing. Harshwinny is incomplete.

---

We played hard, but every time I got the rules, Discord smiled and caressed my mom. She was jealous because my standards said Twilicorn was there too.

Twilicorn was Twilicorn and I couldn't bucking believe it! I gasped and had a brainstorm. I was Twilicorn! And she couldn't be trusted to be a biathlete! I gasped.

I gasped. Was Twilicorn Trixie?

She was!

"What have u done?" She cried manly tears again. "You probably gave my mom Tripleharsh and her navel the same look!"

Shame was in my throat. But phroan Aple bloom was still dead enough for me and I went upstairs to do that.

I said the royal words of sportsmareship and she said flirtily "I cried manly tears."

"But meddle," Tripleharsh said, "Twilicorn is without luv!" I gasped and had a moment. In the city of the dead, sisters have one man: me.

So she asked me to twilicorn Twilicorn. I said, "Honestly, Twilicorn soiled my name."

Shame and my mom Tripleharsh pointed sneerily at Twilicorn. "Was a colt's room next? You will bedisqualified for sports!"

Me and Tripleheart picked up Sparkles and started training. Her hoof was out. It smell like an electrical pony and my muscles glistered with magic.

The Nightmare Discord rolled in. "You must play all teh sportsballs to win!"

The games of our deal was on! We shall compete each one!

---

When the first visited, I said, "Twilicorn is dead," and I knew I can fix tihs.

"Was that before you reach Twilicorn?" he shouted. "Challenge to defeat you, Meddle!"

I squared off at half court with Starfire for the Goffic National Foot Race with 5 in.

"Your quest is futile," she said.

I felt better. "That makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you."

So we started te sports contest and took off each other. I gasped. A biathlete was naked! So sexy but I didn't beat my muscles.

"You have to tell the truth, I'm pretty excited," said, honestly feeling soiled.

My heart leapt past Starfire. She turned around and looked. So I threw the Powerbars down and ran away. I was super smad! The games of sports battle was even!

The gold meddle u need ponies to believe in, and my heart, ripped abdominals. Two points!

I couldn't bucking believe it! "You can't score the most!" I said.

She laughed. "I didn't win," she said. She laughed evilly. "I can't score 2 meddles. I was angry smad about it."

She dropped the gold meddle and I held up the gold. She couldn't run and I had all the games! Her lips hungrily returned to the orphanage carrying my heart. I was the first place! My chest was even stronger in victory!

Discord gasped and started to cry too. "I asked her to win gold! But you three orphans and my face will teach him!"

I gasped. The Equestrian International Equestrian International Eqeustrian Games records said nobody had thought there was still a sports game. But there was!

"But wait, Meddle!" Tripleharsh said. "The rules Discord made to me in Nightmare Town said to go faster and then forget!"

I felt depressed. We had not yet fully turned to win.

Then the Nightmare Discord laughed evilly. "I took my best pony Chuck Norris with me to go, Meddle. You bastard."

"You despicable nerd!" I screamed smadly. "You know what this means! We're gonna reed Chaepr 12 part 1 in victory!"

But Celestia RCVed the most important number less than two!

"Discoared!" she said angrily. "I know you are really high! But meddle is the world's greatest mare alive! You must become Tripleharsh and then suddenly put on fire cutie marks!"

The rules Discord gasped. "You are weird but I am ashamed. Sry u nerds. Me thinks I got thy upset."

So I got doublecorned and looked really sexy, but I slammed the controls in to a definite judgment on the central field of the dead.

"Twilicorn," I said, "Twilicorn, and I follow thee."

"To thy rest," I whispered back.

We all laughed out her real name with tenderness in the Equestrian Games records, but nobody noticed her pony breasts and stuff.

You know what, buck you. I don't want to do this. AN: You despicable nerd.

Comments

[PresentPerfect]

I think the most aggravating part of this whole thing is "an Ouija".

[Skeeter The Lurker]

F.

Godspeed you glorious bastard.

~Skeeter The Lurker

[horizon]

9590293
Well, I can't fix it now.

[Anmynous]

I gasped.

[Georg]

The grate thing about litterature such az this is how it changez peoples.

[Poorly Disguised Alt]

9590757 9590856
In trying times like these, I am reminded of the wisdom of anonymous internet commenters of profound, distant ages long past:

"Don't cry because it's over.

"Cry because it happened."

[Georg]

9591520 And cry because of sequel potential....

[Icy Shake]

Perhaps it's fitting that, in the end, Luther seems to have been able to alienate himself from his one remaining friend (?) even more than death itself could.

[horizon]

9595841
I think we knew all along, in our hearts, that Luther's story was a tragedy.

And My Harshwhinnial was pretty sad too.

[CoffeeMinion]

9595857
A tragedy indeed. It leaves me calling for someone to wake me up, inside... but I can't wake up.

Luther, if you hear me from beyond the veil, save me from the nothing I've become!

[horizon]

9597621
Truly a musical reference fit for a sports champion!

[FanOfMostEverything]

I regret not following this transcendent epic through all its twists and turns, instead only reading after the journey was complete. Still, I'm glad I followed the path regardless.

Rest well, Luther. And hopefully nonflammably.

[horizon]

9600189
It was, indeed, quite a wild ride.

Like what soldiers say about combat. 99% idle time and 1% screaming panic.

[yamgoth]

I regret not being here on the day when the ride ended. I bet true fans would go out there and put metals on Luther’s grave. Err I mean medals. Actually, I’m pretty sure Luther would like gold either way.

So I bought an Ouija board.

Huh. So Paranormal Activity parody next?

[horizon]

9706791
The ride never ends, my friend. It just ragequits from the afterlife and goes off to haunt someone else.