A terrible curse from the cold deeps of space and the dark recesses of time has destroyed Equestria. Princess Twilight Sparkle is the last surviving member of the royal family, and leads the colts and fillies of Canterlot and Ponyville across the Great Salt Sea to settle a new land. She must pit her magical powers, her leadership abilities and her intellect against terrible dangers and foes, and she does what she would have thought unthinkable in order to give her nation a chance at survival.
This is the first part of a planned four-part epic adventure. It is a dark adventure with violence, danger and intrigue but it is not a splatterfest. There may be some mild shipping involved.
Chapters (14)
Often the New Stories box has unenjoyable stuff. And sometimes it has gems like this. I'd give you a full set of zombie elements, but alas, I cannot find Faith.
(congrats Spike, you're the new Babs Seed)
@Charelzzz...
Definitely a interesting, dark, and Epic tale to be told. The ocean journey was very "BSG"-ish in its feel, in how Princess Twilight had to make some very hard decisions ([Adama voice]: Sometimes you have to roll the "hard six"...).
I am guessing the later stories will be more "Narnia"-like when the magical races come into conflict with humans. It will be interesting if you cast Princess Twilight in an "Aslan the Lion" light for her character progression/evolution.
Some constructive criticism...
1. On the literary technical points, you do need to do some clean-up & have some proofreading done across most chapters.
2. Some names are off. What I noticed off-handedly (too tired to go back for a detailed sweep)...
- a. Sweetie Belle, not Sweetie Bell
- b. AppleJack (one word), not Apple Jack (like the cereal).
- c. Apple Bloom (two words), not Applebloom (one word).
3. For the dragon royals and their Elements of Justice, you might want clarify them better. The way it was written currently, it sounds like Discord is the Element of Discipline, which sounds very incorrect for him being a creature of Chaos. I assume you intended...
- a. King Vanash Ritoor = Law (king, duh)
- b. Prince Snargle = Discipline (since he can resist Rarity's unintentional wiles)
- c. Discord = Freedom (one of the positive aspects of Chaos)
4. A revision suggestion, since it was bugging me from the early chapters: I would suggest changing Spike's death slightly. Instead of Spike's growth being due to Draconic Greed, it might be better if he grew due to Draconic Rage upon seeing Rarity killed. Greed is not an emotion that propels one into battle, especially a suicidal charge; but Rage, on the other hand, can make even a child a monster (and I do not mean just dragons...).
5. As a more general suggestion, you might have wanted to link the CMCs' Elements of Love to either The Crystal Heart, or have a reference to Princess Cadence (since she was the Alicorn-Aspect of Love).
As I said, you have an interesting story premise (just needs refinement). I look forward to reading the other three parts of your quadro-tale.
2238522 @hen3ry Thanks, this is my first work of fiction I've let anyone else look at and I wanted to make a good first impression. I've been forcing my watchers on DeviantArt to read it (and their help has been invaluable), but several of them said I really needed to post it here to get it to a broader audience. I was wondering how to tag it, because if I made it mane 6 that would have kind of been a spoiler.
2238923
You did it! You posted it here. I didn't read it a second time but I want you to know that I really like this story. It's has a really good adventurey feel. I predict a lot of likes and I'm glad that I'm here since the beginning to see it grow!
2238543
@pendrake72, I've tried to reply to your comments twice and both times they seem to have vanished. I'll try one more time. Thank you, your constructive criticism is invaluable to me. Chapter 11 was consciously inspired by the Deep Magic in TLTW&TW. BSG, I can see the parallels, but it wasn't what I was thinking at the time. I went back and cleaned up the names, thank you for pointing that out. I needed to go back and get rid of everybody, anybody, arms, hands, etc but I forgot to double check the names. One thing, is "people" acceptable when talking about equines as a distinct race from, say dragons or griffons? I may have to go back and take that out too.
I rewrote that part of chapter 12 and added some additional imagery. I also went back and was more explicit about how Spike had gotten that large at the battle. For the last part, I have other plans for the Crystal Heart. Thank you so much! I am always open to suggestions and legitimate criticism such as yours. Stay pony, my friend!
Yaay! You did it! Keep up the good work Charelzzz.
2239296 You bet!
I liked the story better when it was dark
2239213...
6. It never wrong to draw inspiration from "classic" sources, such as the Narnia series, classical mythology, or the Cthulhu Mythos (what I assumed was what you drew upon for the invasion & destruction of Equestria). Nor is it wrong to add literary nods & allusions to said sources, it is one of the major factors to why MLP:FiM has such a wide-spectrum following outside of its intended demographic. It IS wrong when it becomes a copy-&-paste job, &/or an cheap-effort makeover & rename.
7. That being said, and your drawing upon the Narnia series, I definitely look forward to Princess Twilight becoming more Aslan-like through hard-earned wisdom, experience, and power
.
8. "It doesn't matter if you're human, Esper, or whatever else. 'People' are people, and they want to live their lives free."
- General Leo Cristophe (npc), Final Fantasy VI
Jim Raynor (StarCraft series) also had a very good line about "people being people" regardless of race, but I cannot accurately remember the exact words, nor where he said it. I think it was in StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty, but I am not going to play through SC-II: WoL again just to find it, especially with SC-II: Heart of the Swarm release on the imminent horizon ;) . Either way, hopefully this will help answer your question to whether using "people" across the varied magical races of the MLP:FiM world, or even the humans.
9. I would have suggested completely taking out the Greed aspect of Spike's growth & final battle. Or perhaps a revision like, "in his Rage over hearing Rarity's death-scream, Spike grew to mountainous proportions, far greater in size than when he fell prey to Greed, and waded into the ranks of the enemy."
As I said before, Greed is generally not motivating force to enter battle. If you want an current-times example: DC's Green Lantern Corps, or more specifically, the Orange Lantern of Avarice (greed). When the need to unite the various emotional-light corps arises, the other corps' representatives have to (sometimes literally) drag the Orange Lantern (Larfleeze) out kicking-&-screaming (more like kicking-&-whining) into action.
10. Posting your fan-fictions here is probably be better than DeviantArt, since the format of these boards are better set-up for fan-fic works than DeviantArt (harder to read, comment, & reply on the latter). My advice is to still post on both, but post your fan-fics here first, then DeviantArt second. Obviously, you should do the reverse for any artwork you do (or have done) along your fan-fics.
2239756 Sorry. I hope I didn't sell you pig in a poke here, but I had to tag it as dark because of the first half. Don't worry, there will be plenty of grim to be had in the rest of the story, but I'm trying to darken the characters gradually, through loss and growth. I know I won't be able to keep every reader happy.
2239768 I'll do another pass on Chapter 1, and I'll see if removing or relocating the reference to greed improves the clarity any. As far as classic literature goes, I am assuming given Tartarus and Cerebrus, the minotaurs, hydra, and the pegasi and unicorns themselves, that greek mythology is the foundational mythology for MLPFIM. I felt that adding Elysium and Titans were logical extensions of the existing mythic structure. And C'thulhu mythos is fun and goes with anything! Look at Charlie Stross' Bob Howard books. A different style in each one and the Outer Gods breathe life (or a hideous approximation) into all of them.
I hope I'm not overreaching myself here. This is my first attempt at writing that I haven't just tossed after the first few days. I guess the difference here is that, since it's a fanfic, I don't have to spend a lot of time developing characters that the audience will relate to. So it's sort of like cheating.
Uuuuuh, poor Twi. To have to do something like that, to save RD and with her the rest of her little ponies. What a cruel fate.
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaang it all~ ;A;
Hopefully that little filly was the last sacrifice to be done, but i doubt that. :c
You know, i really like your sketches. Poor Sweetie Belle. :/
Was it explained though why mostly all adults died and only Twi survived with no damage? Dash died too after all just for a moment though.
I feel like Warcraft all over again when i didn´t quite understood the whole burning legion, Titan, Orcs and Dranei deal. Sounds good though i wnder about "Earth" and "human". Were the ancestors of ponykind from Earth after all?
Wow. Just wow.
Wondered how Gilda and her gang were on an island a couple days away from the main land, but the banishment made sense epsically how Gilda nd her griffions treated Dash and Twi after believing they got them in their talons.
Nice move of Twi to turn them into babies, though that measn 12 more mouths to be feed. And it will take many years till they grow up.
Twi really needs to talk more with Dashie else she might get really mad given with all the guilt she bears from her decisions. :/
With Pinkie on board the rations would only last for like three days.
Joke aside, Twi needs a theraphist quickly!!! She´s starting to break down, not completley but slowly and steady.
Mare up, Dashie!!!
Just using AJ/Rare/Shy as excuse as if you and Pinkie wouldnßt be able to help Twi get over her depression! Speak to her! Hug her! Tell her everything will be fine even if you both know it doesnt look that way!
Just do something with the living princess instead of writing a letter to a dead princess!
Does Deadlestia have to smack a pegasi?!
2241503 lol @Deadestia
2241373 All will be revealed as you read... and if it isn't revealed in part 1 there are 3 more after it.
Uuuuuhh, interesting, most interesting indeed.
HOOVES! HOOVES! HOOOOOOOOVEEESS!!!
I agree i´m a bit surprised how well this all played out, a bit too well to be honest, but whatever. Twi got a second ship full of ponies for her new country, got all her friends back, has a better land as starting point, AB/SB/scoots aren´t dead but now also bearers and Babs is alive as well and also a bearer and Luna isn´t dead either just banished and Celestia is banished as well and the dragons are their allies&friends and AH CRAP, i can´t take so much happy-go-lucky in a dark story!!!
This was too much good at once. Like a thousand years time of luck of a million ponies good at once!
But what i really dislike is that now all the fillies and colts lost all their importance again!
Before it was Twi and a couple hundred children trying to build up a future life.
Now its Twi and adults leading a comfortable colony.
And that in like 5-10 minutes total.
Wha-..........
I would have liked it more if the named fillies and colts from before gets more screentime, more importance, more character building. To show that this is a Twi&folks story and not a Twi&elements story with a couple children in the row.
Oh well, lets see how the next chapters will unfold.
I dunno, but this chapter and the chapter before took alot of my fun when reading this story. A real lot. Which is sad cause i found it quite enjoyable.
Thing is, you let happen way too much at once in those two chapters.
All the chapters before things happend one-by one or two-by one. Now we got 109354787358 things going on and it just feels unreal.
Twi got her friends back, the thing the CMC "sacrificed" themselves (yeah, not really), so that they can use the EoH to prevent them taken by the dragon king and what´s the first thing they do?
They fail.
Great.
And that´s the romance? Zombie Rarity with 120% superserious dragon prince boy? Kaaaaay.... real fair to Spike-Wikey. Neat that you did mention him and how horrible Twi must feel, to have her friends back and them having some of their siblings but then again, it still feels unreal cause there´s no mention of Big Mac, Granny Smith, Angel, Rare´s parents, Pinkie and her family and so on. Its as if those had never existed which cheapens the happiness of the reunion.
It would bear more weight if the loss of their family and friends is more transparent.
Also it just shows how much importance the "pony folk" just lost. It´s insignificant now. Its no longer about ponies as a whole but Twi and co with a couple ponies as extra.
And that´s disappointing. I´d like to see Scoots, Sweetie and AB working with all the others to build up their new nation under Twi´s leadership, not to see Twi and the other mares do some project work with them which surely will happen.
Would you let colts/fillies work on the field trying to learn by error and fault and some books how to grow stuff or jsut let AJ do everything while teaching the kids how to grow apples?
Yeah, that´s a no-brainer.
I know that sounds really harsh, but this isn´t what i´ve read in the summary description. The last two chapters feel like they´re from an entire different fic and it really hurt the believableness it had tried to carry till now.
I think i might have to drop this though i´ll hold out till your next update.
Sorry for not writing only praise. :C
Though what i really have to praise is how you explained why the dragons find Rarity so irresistible, that was a real good one and should be retaken by other fanfic-writers in theri Sparity fics.
2241671 Sorry, I had to tag it as dark because of the way it starts out. Usually when it's dark everything is great and becomes horribler and horribler, but in this one everything is horrible and gets a little worse and gets better and gets worse and there's pathos and redemption and then a positive climax... sorry if I took your fun away. Thanks for the hand.
First try ya know. And it's not the end of the story either. I want some romance in the next part and that's going to take a stallion, some mares, some dragons with an eye for dynasty building and making little dragonequui...
Celestia is dead. That I promise you. That's why she's with the sun and not coming for any visits. I promise you once the war gets going with the humans, it will get good and sticky.
I need prereaders. Would you like to help me out?
2241760 I have to accept that I'm not going to please everyone. Perhaps a more strongly typed story would have been a safer first try, but I'm really not thinking about it strategically. The characters are running the show. I apologize if I wasted your time.
2240013...
11. Never apologize for the desire to express your Creativity. Never.
12. Apologize if the execution of making your Creativity into something tangible is incorrect, improper, inaccurate, &/or lacking in refinement/improvement.
13. By default, it is always a penalty against Originality for any fan-work(s), it is simply an unavoidable technical factor. The counter-balance to this is for the fan-artist/-writer to accept that responsibly. Doing so balances it out as a negative hurdle.
2243575 You have been awesome. I greatly appreciate the time and the support you have given me. I can only hope that my style continues to improve and my vision gain clarity over the next three parts of the story. Would you be a prereader for me? I have a project I have to return to on DA where I've left the readers of my comic hanging for a while (it takes a lot longer to tell a story in a comic) and I promised them I'd work on that but as soon as I am done I'll start work on part 2.
I think there is some valid criticism that the resolution was rushed, but I think in a POV story that can make sense... it appears rushed because the POV character doesn't have all the information. But just because it makes sense doesn't mean that it is good writing, does it?
Personally, I prefer the medium of short stories for dark, tragic endings; the favorite that comes to mind is Harlan Ellison's I Have No Mouth But I Must Scream. In a longer story I want a series of emotional ups and downs but in the end the (surviving) good guys win. The Immortal Game so far is giving me the standard I would want to shoot for in terms of FIMFic, I love that cleansing feeling you get when victory is snatched from the jaws of the impossibly powerful and competent enemy, Aesthetic Brony did an utterly fantastic job of planting the seeds of the ultimate victory (I hope, I haven't finished it yet!) and of course has much better action scenes, so far, than I have. I think though that most of the enemies my heroes will have to face will be for reasons that could potentially be understood from their POV (which you will see... there will be human POVs.)
2241760 I haven't done a POV for Applejack yet, though I agree that she definitely lost the most. Then again, the amount of grief the Mane 6 will feel for their loved ones will be mitigated by their direct knowledge of Elysium.
I guess you have a point, I was forgetting about the other background ponies. Hmmm.... I should mention that in Apple Bloom's diary. That could flesh that part out a bit. Is it rude to go back and edit stuff once you mark it as complete?
Now let me say this first so that there´s no misunderstanding between us:
You are a good writer.
A darn good even cause you have a way with words in your fic.
In other words, your fic is good and you should feel good. Your fic ratio shows that.
And yet, it doesnt make me feel good (in the latest two chapters mostly).
2242171
Nah, don´t be sorry. Happens all the time that expections and what was written down in the end don´t match up. Thats not your fault nor is it mine. Pinkie smile?
Sounds like a lot of romance to me though, not just some.
See the problem with the whole sun thing is, we got to see Luna still alive whos on the moon. So the first thing i assumed was that Celestia banished her sis to her moon and then herself to her sun. And given the reply of "1000 years" to meet again, it did sound like the dragon king meant it in regards to seeing Celestia again when her banishment ends. Well, it was a bit confusing to me that part.^^
War with humans sounds interesting, though there seems to be alot more folks living there like naga and raksomething and what not.
Not sure if i would be a good pre-reader/proof-reader. Though here you should find lots of good helpers:
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group
Thanks to them my entry for a fanfiction contest made 6 out of 30-something whereas it would have never reached the final round with all its faults. :D
2242203
Don´t apologize, i liked the idea and the execution till the latest two chapters.
See, i can only give you my opinion and i´m only one of several who have read it. So far you got 18+ and 2-, meaning you did good. I didn´t voted though as i´ll wait a chapter or two more to see what will happen.
Anyway, given the descrption as i said i´d expected seeing Twi building a nation with those fillies and colts. Them growing up, facing lots of confrontations and challenges and overcoming them with teamwork, friendship and magical power.
When reading it it did sound like it. Equestria was destroyed, the princesses dead and so were Twi friends expect RD though she´s close to. And Twi was on a huge ship with lots of little ponies going on a 4 week journey to a continent she never heard about nor did anypony else but the princesses.
Cause of the some romance i expected RD to become Twi´s love interest and vice versa. After all they were the only two adults on the ship, trusted each other alot and are great friends, the jump from friendship to love wasnt that far off for them in my mind.
Cause of fillies like Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon and some other OCs mentioned i expected to see more about them as they will be the new pony nation citizens and how they cope with the horror, loss and burden of building a new princessdom. With Twi and later RD i expected to see them try to get the little ones up to the task, regreting how they cant protect them while also trying to prevent each other from losing themselves due what they gotta do in order to reach success.
I got some of that but then it turned into the Twi and co show and the filles are suddenly all meaningless background charas not even worthy to be mentioned in two sentences in an entire chapter.
That was a bit sad.
And then there were some other stuff that didn´t made much sense for me.
For example, the age spell. You descripted it as a spell which undoes memory and experience when turning the casted upon subjects to babies. Yet with the coma children it was suddenly a "healing" spell, able to undo traumata and body/brain damages. I expected that the babies would still be comatous, that their minds and bodies did had shrunk, but that the damage on their souls and bodies would have remainded, making the spell a failure.
It´s kind of a deus ex to have only one spell that could undo so much at once, age, memory, personality, traumata, injuries, etc.
But that´s just me though.
Then there was the Pinkie Pie resuscitation.
With RD we had her body but in coma, close to death. Here it made quite of sense to use a forbidden (dark?) spell to sacrifice the soul of another pony to bring back another pony to life. Espically if that pony was really needed. We can say that RD was still not dead yet, but at the doorstep to Ponyheaven. So no complaints here. It was good as it tugged the heart strings for what Twi had to do, for the filly who had to die and for RD who one day will know that she´s only alive cause of a little filly´s soul was paid for her return.
With Pinkie we got an entire different case.
No body for first. Completley dead for second. And third the way the spell was used this time with the help of RD.
It didn´t felt right that Twi magic-spelled a body to look like Pinkies, it was weird but okay that she was able to pull Pinkie out of heaven (after all she did pay the price plus she was later called a necromant) and third, yeah i just didn´t got that. If Twi could use the soul exchange the first time, why would she need help with the second?
Still Pinkie returning was good as it was needed. If however she had been not in her Pinkie body but in that dead filly´s one then it would have made a complet differnet story/feel. Imagine it. The reader reads that Pinkie Pie speaks, but it comes out of a little earth pony kiddo who looks nothing like Pinks. Now imagine how her friends must have reacted/feel to see and hear that, to be responsible for this to happen.
Next is how Pinkie behaved. We got a description of how ponyheaven is like, like heaven, just wonderful. However, its only the resident of souls, not of the minds/experience/personality of ponies. They did "live" there in happiness but they had no bodies, no hunger, no thirst, no fear, no sadness, etc.
Now imagine being pulled back and ending on the world you had left, losing all that in exchange for this piece of crap mission.
We had Twi ordering Pinkie around and her following it suit, saving the ship in progress. And we had her great reaction as in wanting to return to heaven as she, a dead one, a homunkulus, does not belong to this world. Cause she´s no longer a "whole" pony.
You could have greatly made use of the "body, mind and soul" thingie to explain why the ponies/we are what the ponies/we are - livign beings, and why Pinkie in her new form isnt.
If she had been in that filly body, then it would be Pinkie´s soul with some of her mind, but her mind is mixed with the kids experience and personality, and her body would be compeltley unpinkie pie. In other words, she would be a "torn" pony, not like RD where her body and mind were waiting for the soul to return to becom "whole" again.
You could have made it more interesting instead of Pinks going all DOOOOOOM to "oh well, nevermind. Who wants to party?" in a couple of minutes (to the reader´s feel).
For example that Twi in this case unlike with RD would no longer be Pinkie´s friend, as this isn´t the Pinkie Pie they know and love, but her master. She owes her existence on this planet, like a puppet dancer. It would have been great heart pain material to see Twi order Pinkie to shut up, to do this and that, and all that while being tormented by her own memories of how Pinkie Pie was, of RD watching her and of Pinkie, a part of her, still being there, judging Twi when not called to pipe down at day, begging Twi at night to set her free, to let her be dead and sometimes... sometimes we read a single sentence of Pinkie Pie in another filly body sitting on the deck, staring at the horizont, not saying anything, moving anything, reacting to anything but her master´s words. With a look in her eyes as if she tries desperatley to remember the happiness her soul aches for while her mind is in a battle for two minds dominances (which could be shown by calling the sister "big sis" for example as well as suddenly calling her Inkie, Pinkie´s big sister, just an example, anotehr would be hobbies, behaviour, etc. here could her sis have played a bigger role to extend the little ponies cast to make them more important) and her body is slowly fading away as she eats not (why should she? Her soul remembers no hunger from heaven after all) only if ordered.
She would be both a horrible existence as well as a reminder for the little ponies that there would be a way to see their loved ones again.
And for Twi and RD an everyday shame and guilt figure. Till she either dies or Twi set her free which would make another great developement for Twi´s character as a leader/friend.
This what i descrited above would have made me feel stronger about Pinks return than well, what i´ve read. it wasn´t bad, but it didn´t touched me. None of the fillies or Twi/RD crying etc, got to me. It just felt, dunno, like there but not "there", in the feels.
But again, that´s only my own imagination of how i had liked to see this little arc goign down.
Next would be how the little ones reacted to that what happend, with Pinks return. Twi did wrote that they all saw her differently. But we never saw that. We saw them still trusting her, still admiring her, still bowing before her, still being ready to sacrifice themselves for their princess and what not. And we, better said i, never got the feel that they did so out of fear.
Here it would have been good to bring in back the little ponies character to build them up for the readers.
Diamond Tiara could have been made into a little pony who spreads the fear among hte little ones, to Twi´s dislike, and using it to gain more ponies following her orders/ideas. It could have used Silver Spoon who Twi had talked before the necromant thingie out of her suicide tries, giving her back hope and love (i was waiting so painfully for such a chapter/scene after reading Spoon´s two suicide tries... it would have greatly shown how deeply Twi cares for them all and tries to be there for all of them. She wouldnßt only be a leader and friend but also a kind of mother figure to some of them, like Silver Spoon.). Spoon could have made a different movement, taking away the fears of the little ones and strengthening their trust and love for their princess. She could have been the one that got Twi out of her depression while RD wouldn´t know what to say/and Pinkie avoiding Twi (her master) whenever she can.
It would have shown that the old cast doesn´t matter as strongly as it did before the catastrophe and that those new ponies will be important for making this new nation work (Spoon) or fail (Tiara).
Then there would be Featherweight, Chowder (fat pony), Snips and Snails and Dinkie and so on who all could have been fleshed out with what they learn, what they lost, what they do on the ship, what they hope for and so on.
But so we only had a CMC + faceless and faceless little ponies who all stands in the shadow of the Mane6 now. Really not what i had hoped for when i started this fic. Sorry for that assumption. :(
Next which i had a problem with was that Celestia send Twi and lots of other ships to a continent she knows where those dragons and therefor humans and what not lives and tells them nothing. NOTHING???
What´s up with that? it would have made more sense for Celestia to preapre something for Twi so that she understands she´s not send to a desert continent or a mere fantasy continent which doesn´t exist, same for all the other captians on their ships (which could be used as a plot device to make the eldirtch hordes follow them, etc). It could have been either a briefing which Twi´s remembers during the journey or even better, tells her pupils in lessons so that they are prepared/know what awaits them so that during those the readers a) see how an everyday day is on the ship for Twi and the colts/fillies and b) gets told what will come in the coming chapters, most likely at least.
Seriously? 1XX filles and one princess and Celestia gives them no infos??? No way, the Celestia would never do that. Secrets yes, neccessary informations which decide about death or life over success or critical failure, no way she would leave that out.
Really, alone the fact that her HUSBAND is king there over a dragon nation would have been worth mentioning to Twi as she will need allies and friends there.
What also irked me was how Blueblood, of all ponies, seemed to KNOW about the Dragon king and his kind! Blueblood, not Princess Twilight, personal student and element of magic and waht not, had more infos about the continent and its inhabitors than Twi as it looks like! I was like "buh, wha?" when he adressed the dragon as "your majesty". If HE knew, why couldn´t Twi know so too? Why shouldn´t she know such life-necessary infos for her coming nation as this kingdom is right next to hers?
Next one was the whole bloodstone stuff. Good one first, the dream part already a big hint that Luna´s still alive thanks to a trick of Celestia. Also good the explanation of it, how it comes to, its dangers to create it and what it can do.
Bad that it wasn´t followed at all in the own story.
What i got a bloodstone is:
-made of blood of the Unicorn caster
-powerful gem which can either carry its owner´s magic so that it can be used to refuel her/booasting some of her magic spells
-can also suck up enemy attacks which can do the same as above.
What we got in the story a bit later.
-Sweetie Bell using magic on it AND IT SUDDENLY DOES WHATEVER SWEETIE PLEASES!
"What the hay was that?" i thought when i read that.
First, the spell Sweetie used was so far ONLY used by Twi and EACH time it had been done when nopony watched them.
Second, its a REALLY complicated spell, so complicated that even Celestia had bind it in black to remind Twi to only use it when really neccessary. If even Twi had probs with it, why should a FILLY, who like can cast magic for a couple days and only telekinesis for a hammer to smith stuff, be able to pull it off at her first try? When did she even learn that spell? Or to begin with had the amount of power to do it TRICE at once whereas Twi had to struggle for a SINGLE resscuration?!
Third, the stone was supposed to suck up spells/magic from others used upon its wearer. So why did it not suck up Sweetie´s magic, leaving Twi with a bit full bloodstone and an exhausted Sweetie and surprised AB/Scoots? Why did it suddenly go rampa-zamba and started a spell Twi had never used while having the bloodstone on nor in the presence of the fillies/CMC? Why did it succed at a triple revival while Twi even needed Dash´s help to get Pinks back? How come that that AJ/Rare/Shy came all back in their new bodies whatsoever, whereas with Pinkie that body part alone had taken alot of stuff needed (a body first for example) as well as food, growing magic and whatnot? How come all of them unlike Pinks reacted as if they had been on a holiday trip? Cause that was what it felt like. Pinkie was furious, she was angry, she was disgusted at Twi (awesome, awesome, awesome) when she realized what she had done. Oh no,not the filly sacrifice part but the "YOU TOOK ME OUT FROM HEAVEN!!! BRING ME BACK!!!" stuff, that was really good.
After all there´s a reason why we say "let the dead rest in peace".
Again, i for myself, would have liked to not see AJ/Rare/Shy back. Mostly cause it showed the old days were gone and that new will begin. With those filles adn colts with Twi as their princess. And RD being there as romance interest/preventing Twi to lose herself. And "not" Pinkie ( a mix of Pinkie´s name and the filly´s name would have amazingly showed how broken of a pony person she is now) being there as a reminder of her dark sides.
With Dragons as allies and humans and whatnot as competion for land, mines and even the sky.
In my eyes AJ/Rare/Shy were not needed in this story. It really felt like a "i don´t want everypony to be dead, lets bring them back" which felt like a cop-out. Espically given what we have seen till then of how those revials went with Twi.
If you wanted Rare and dragon x, why not make use of a filly here? Make Diamond Tiara having that irresisteble smell, but cause she´s a filly nothign will happen, yet. But a timeskip later and as a young mare with ambitions Diamond Tiara could use her gem smell to arouse dragons to have them do her biddings and so on. That way she could become more important to the story and become an inner antagonist who wants Twi´s position as an alicorn and is ready to do alot for it like spreadign misinformation about her, tell horror stories about her and use dragons/ponies/humans how she pleases in her intriges. And yet she´s needed in the new pony nation cause she got great leader/organisation skills.
Now to Luna´s visit and the CMC+Babs return out of nowhere with a new element which was never mentioned before.
Yeah.
I think that was mostly the part where i thought to myself i would have to drop this fic.
Its one thing to use "sacrifices" to bring somepony dead back, its an entirely different thing if those sacrifices came back to life in like 5 minutes and got a level up/promovtion. A sacrifice is meant to make the readers have a feeling of loss and win, not turning it into a win-win with an extra win situation. That just cheapens the sacrifice and makes it meaningless.
And then Luna. Or better said, "Destiny".
If Luna is basnished why can she leave her prison as she pleases? All we got was Destiny explanation and i was like "where´s that guy and why is he doign such a shitty job? Did he not notice Equestria falling, etc?". To create a new element with 4 bearers out of nowhere, espically with the 4th one never being there personally was just, i dont know, it was just disappointing.
Mostly cause now the elements of harmony are nothing special anymore, making the revival of the others even more useless/unneccessary. Now we got the element of love and judge and i bet the humans or nagas or what not also got elements of some sort. How else could they withstand the dragon kingdom who welds such power?
Anyway, i had liked it more if Twi, RD and "not" Pinkie had a) been able to renew their friendship with the new Pinkie (which would have been really interesting to read. We could have RD being the first to succeed at that and who would help Twi to come over her guilt/most of it, to jump over her shadow to become friends with the new little pony who soemtimes acts like Pinkie and sometimes not and who looks nothing Like her but still wears her mane in a Pinkie Pie manner. This could have been used as Twi "freeing" Pinkie as in, being its own master with the as well as the posibility to let her return to heaven where she belongs. Both scenarios are good, first cause Pinkie would have the chance to suicide to get back to heaven and the second cause it frees Twi´s/RD´s of their guilt and shame), b) if those three had befriended the CMC.
We already got RD as "big sister" of Scoots, we can have Twi as mentor of Sweetie and we could have "not" Pinkie as a good friend of AB. It would have showed that friendship isn´t something that can be halted of age, postion or even matter of being alive/"Whole". So we got a "nope, not the same age, cant do the harmony thingie".
Espically if the elements would have chosen differently than what the other three had weared:
AB who got generosity instead of honesty. Cause she always shares (which she does)
Sweetie got kindness instead of generosity. Cause she is really kind (just misunderstoof and unfortunate in her tries to show it to her big sis^^)
And Scoots got honesty instead of kindness. That kid is dang honest in the show, brutal even.^^;
It again would have reinforced that truly a new age had begun, that the dead will remain dead and if not, they had changed greatly and are different from the living ones in some sort like Pinkie Pie who had seen and "lived" heaven. It had shown that the little ones will take more and more of their own future in their hooves and that they will weld it with bravery and pride.
It could have been used to show admiration and jealousy of other young fillies and colts. To set the seeds for rivialty and hatred, for companionship and love.
It would have been enough to appease the dragon king as well as making him shut up about the "children" who would be anything but that when they build up their new nation themselves. By the way, liked how you used the pony age. 3 years for the CMC, it shows that a year or two already would change them greatly both in body and mind due experiences than compared to us humans.
Other idea would have been that Twi would have to give up the elements to the dragon king (a humilation which the children never forgot. Not as in not forgiving the dragon king or being angry at Twi, but as disapointed at themself, at their own helplessness, at watching Twi shedding tears when giving away the memorias of her friends) and that later 6 (3 CMC, Dinky, Featherweight and Pipsqeak) would have become the new bearers due an adventure arc. Also that way you would have had the first gender mixed EoH with a complet new cast. :D
I, for myself, would have liked those ideas much more than seeing the old cast return in full with no damages, no worries, no stuff, no "i died, went to heaven, am back, what´s going on everypony" stuff. No "new element cause we can", no "here´s Luna, what´s up bitches", etc.
With Luna i would have prefered her to STAY in the dreams.
To meet Twi and co in their dreams sometimes.
She could have given Twi advices on how to act as a leader/princess, told her more about the contiennt or its inhabitors, the history of how they came to this world, she could have given her a hug in her dream, telling her she´s doing great, Twi could have had a fight with her, arguing what was right and what wrong with teaching Sweetie that spell for example and etc., etc.
That way it would have been like...
You know germany and its wall? The Berliner Wall? It would have been like that, on the one side the ponies on the world who keep on fighting and on not falling to despair, on the other side a lone prisoner, only able to speak to them in their dreams, protecting them from their nightmares, helpless watching how they deal with everything on their own.
That´s dark stuff.
Now then, i really liked the whole history stuff.
Same for the ship idea with the contient/new nation.
I liked the blood stone (good idea, but poorly used as i have tried to explain my problem with it above).
I liked that Luna´s still alive but dislike how easy she just hopped aside, bro-hoofing everybody and then left again for her moon ghetto.
I like that Celestia is dead, but it could have been said so just plainly, not flowerly words. Just a simply "she´s dead.", cause this simple single sentence connected to the princess which had ruled Equestria wise and just for a thousand years in peace, that´s a real hit in the guts.
I like all the little ones but dislike that they became background ponies, faceless, almost meaningless to the story right now.
I like Twi, RD and Pinkie, but would have liked it more if Pinks wouldn´t be so quickly Pinkie Pie again with no strings attached, would have preffered her more changed to her experience and the spell. As for Twi and RD, i would have liked some hints that they come closer, as friends obviosly. MUch later then as a bit more. I might have read one or two but i´m not too sure if those were hints or just me with shipping googles. :P
I like AB/Sweetie/Scoots, how they got their CM, how they got fleshed out, how we saw them life an work on the ship, their worries, their personalities changing and adapting and i really dislike them bearing a new element just like that. Same for Babs, espically for babs. What the hay did she got a element for? For not being there in the entire story so far but one or two mentions?
I like the OCs you brought in, but i dislike how barely they´re shown as i can´t even remember their names properly. I really would have enjoyed to read more about them. Espically if much latter some of them die in the human war, cause then there would be the feels of loss and nostalgic when you remember reading about them firstly, what they did till they died and how they had lived as citizens. But so, they were merely but a foot note in this story. :C
I like the western dragons, what we saw of their very disciplinated and socialized behaviour/culture. I hope we get to see more of them.
I like how realistic the dragon king behaved, first with trying to make Twi his new vassal, second with triyng to get his claws on the EoH to make sure that they´re safe/have them there to use themselves and third with offering a part of his land to keep them close and have a stone in their bed.
I dislike the Element of Love and Judge, but that´s merely my own perference. In my mind those dragons are already strong and badass enough they don´t need magic which rivals and even OPs the magic the ponies wield. I mean that guy did said the ponies are the most magical race, next chapter, all ponies fail in their magic, worse, they failed with their BEST kind of magic, their most powerful items, their biggest magical things since ponies exist/ponykind possess. And the dragons just drive over the titan with theirs. just like that saving the day..... why couldn´t it be Twi and her EoH to not beat the titan, but to save teh prisoners from its grip? Aka to mass teleport them outta the tentacles leaving the titan with no food, confused and angry but till then they would be all away already. Why a power struggle which ended in the ponies "defeat" and the dragons "victory"?
I liked to see Discord back and liked that he´s the son of Celestia. Mostly cause i can´t remember any fic with that setting.
I like that we get closer and closer to the nation thingie. And i really hope you got your plans made for what needs to be done in a nation, etc. so that it feels realistic and believeable enough.
As a hint, try reading this here:
http://www.drowtales.com/~pathtopower/archive.php?sid=4128
It pretty much had the whole "how do we build our own nation" done twice and that in very believeable ways which speaks alot for the Gamemaster and the writers of that universe. The first 100 pages are free, hope you´ll enjoy them.
Now, i´ll repear myself to make sure that there are no misunderstandings:
You are a good writer.
Its just that your fic doesn't make me feel as good as it first did/hoped it would continue to do so.
Which is not your fault, its just that what you wrote and what i expected were entirely different things. Ofc it wouldn´t match then.
What i wrote here is entirely my opinion, and only mine. You´ve written alot and in a good way, you got great discipline to write so many chapters which i´m jealous of you and you got a good idea for this fic to go somewhere (with hopefully some timeskips, too).
Its just that its not living up to what i had in mind and that it feels like two different fics mixed in one.
Still, what i wrote here is only my "rant" so to say, so you don´t have to change anything if you dont want to.
2245340
However, if you want to change some stuff cause you believe yourself it will do your fic good, then by all means do so. In the end its all about how you feel about the story, if you can´t like it how can you expect us to love it?
So when you want to redo some stuff, edit some stuff there or even rewrite entire scenes, then please, do so. Cause it might give you a better feel when rereading it and if it gives you a better feel so does it might to the majority of your readers.
All that said, i wish you good luck with continuing this fic and that you´ll have plently of readers who´ll enjoy it fully.
PS:Holy crap, i wrote over 2-3 hours on this comment. Im really a crazy comment bastard.
2246141First off, regarding the length of that comment. MOTHER OF GOD.
Thank you for putting SO much effort into giving me feedback. I may not respond to each point you raise in particular but rest assured I will read all of it and take it seriously.
*** SPOILERS BELOW ***
Second off, I did provide foreshadowing for the Elements of Justice. How would the ponies have heard of them, when there is next to zero communication between East and West? As far as the Elements of Love go, I drew inspiration for that from the Deep Magic in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. In both cases, a willing sacrifice changed the foundations of magic. The nadir of the story became the pivotal plot device. Of course in the CMC's case, as it turns out, Love doesn't work against a Titan, and neither does Harmony. Justice was effective but only by creating a channel allowing Love and Harmony to push Scylla to the only being in existence which had the capacity to consume him. The establishment of Scylla as male and Charybdis as female was also deliberate here. The impulses of Love and Harmony pushed the malevolent masculine force into the embrace of the consuming female force through the establishment of Justice, thereby neutralizing the danger and allowing the journey to the birth of the new nation to continue. :-) I hope I was being clever and not pedantic.
I also provided foreshadowing for Luna having been banished. Sweetie Belle learned Applied Phlebomancy in a dream. I think most readers saw that one coming. I am also planning on having the CMC totally pull the Mane 6's chestnuts out of the fire in part 2.
And romance is not the same as shipping. Prince Blueblood is back as well, now following his destiny rather than being a useless and bored courtier, and Snargle will be under pressure to establish a political marriage so we have the makings of a nice love quadrilateral there.
And Pip gets totally ripped to pieces by sharks.
OK, I don't know quite what is going to happen to who, but not everypony who is alive at the beginning will be alive at the end, and nopony who is dead at the beginning will be alive. At least, not really alive...
2246141 Rainbow Dash wasn't really in a coma. That was the story they told the children because they didn't want them thinking that Twilight Sparkle was a neighcromancer.
2246141 TwiDash? That just seems like a cliche to me. Sorry, I know a lot of folks ship that airmail everywhere, but just because the main characters are all female, in my mind that doesn't make it necessary that they're going to fall into each other's forelegs... Now it would be more interesting to me of ONE of the Mane 6 had feelings for another, and it wasn't reciprocated. Don't get me wrong, I understand the difficulty that gay folks have because of the occasional ambiguity of friendships. And it must be torture to be deeply in love with a friend who you are 99% sure plays for the other team. But risk your friendship for that 1% chance of true happiness? That would be interesting...
I'm not sure if you watch Downton Abbey, but this past season has made me feel MUCH more sympathy for Thomas. He's still an asshole, but he's a more sympathetic asshole than he was before. :-)
Hello again.
I think the best way to do this would be to leave a comment on each chapter as I read them, so as to keep a running log in case I can't finish the story in one sitting. Also, it gives me the opportunity to say things as I see them, so I'm less likely to forget. But, I will be giving you my thoughts as they come without foreknowledge, so take it with a grain of salt.
I'd like to start with saying that I am definitely intrigued, and you have me wanting to read further. Right to it, then.
Firstly, the length. I understand that this is simply an introduction, and that you are trying to grab our attention, but perhaps a little more action to really sell the brutality of what's happening could go a long way This is where you will secure most of your readers, and most people reading an adventure story are going to want action, so why not give it to them? Maybe Twilight could fend a few remaining monsters off with her magic and demonstrate how much more powerful she is than in the show, as I assume she is.
Also, with the end of this chapter, I would personally make it a little more ambiguous. Maybe "I didn't know where we would go, or what we would do when we got there, but we would survive. Equestria always had. And in time, maybe a decade, maybe a century, we would come back and take back our home. For my friends, for the princesses, for all of the ponies that had lost their lives and those that were under my care, I would come back."
All in all, good start.
2266404 Good! That's exactly the kind of stuff I'm looking for. When I was writing it, my friends on DA were all just calling for more, not telling me how to improve what I'd already written. Thank you very much! Yeah, I can see it, on the trail down the side of the mountain, there could be some minor entity blocking the way... in fact that could lead to the panic. Nice!
Alright, another short chapter, which I can understand, and I see that they get longer later, so I won't say anything.
First, overall, I feel like you missed some major emotional impact here. Twilight feels very detached from the things she's talking about, even though this letter to the princess should be the one place she could share her feelings unedited. You might consider adding a few lines where she expresses more sorrow at her friends' death, or the difficulties of ruling without having anyone to consult with.
Also, you seem to unnecessarily use the word "quite" and the phrase "of course" a lot. "Quite" is one of those words that I feel doesn't add anything to a sentence; what's the difference between something being beautiful and it being quite beautiful? Example: you could change "His body was quite easy to see from the mountainside" to "His form was large enough to see even from the distant mountainside" or something to that effect. Most of the time your sentences will flow better if the "quite" isn't there. Also, "of course" can be removed in most places. Example: "Now that we are underway of course, the spell has been lifted, but no unholy thing followed or tracked us out of the harbor" could be "Once we were under way, it was necessary to discard the invisibility spell, and, thankfully, it appears that no unholy horror followed or tracked us out of the harbor"
I would write out numbers in almost every case. 4 should be four.
You use a suggestive phrase in the first part of the sentence, then switch to a concrete phrase in the second. Twilight is saying that she doesn't know for a fact that Spike protected Rarity's body, but is then certain that they are together. I would change "He would have" to "He did."
When she calls Rainbow Dash "poor dear," that just doesn't feel like something Twilight would say. Feels more Rarity.
Again, I feel emotional detachment. I feel like Twilight would write just like if she were talking to Celestia, expressing doubt in herself and they're journey, maybe talking of how she can barely look at the CMC because they remind her too much of her friends. This feels more like a ship's log.
Passages like this feel just a little out of place. It feels like a textbook, Twilight simply recounting things that happened instead of just hinting at them through her words. It's not a huge issue, just something that kinda bothered me.
I really like the simplicity of this line. The separation from the rest of the passage gives it power. I was originally going to say that you could expand on it a bit with a little reminiscing, but the more I think about it, the more I like it the way it is. Good job.
Maybe have Twilight express a little more self-hatred, but don't overdo it. The emotion thing is still present (at least in my mind) but I won't beat it into your skull. A description of her hesitating with her pillow over the mare's face may have been powerful, because I don't buy that Twilight just straight up murdered without thinking about it until afterward. Other than that, good chapter.
Should be "something or other."
Maybe a little more wistfullness about wanting to go back to Elysium, but other than that, these chapters are getting better as I go on.
Also, the numbers thing again. 20 should be twenty, and so on.
2266483 Yes!
2266690 I am definitely going to take this to heart. I know that the first half needs a rewrite, and I will be using your input as my starting point. When I was writing it then, I didn't have that burning feeling that I did when writing later chapters. And I know that the later chapters are probably rushed.
2266539 I suppose the reason there is so much emotional detachment is that at this point in Twilight's POV, she is numb. However, as that does detract from the reader's opportunity to empathize with the characters, I shall have to amend this. The point of this effort is to entertain and share my vision with others, but my vision will fail if readers can't connect.
Why is this story marked as Complete? Is it a mistake, or is this actually done? Great story, in ant event, but if it is complete it feels like it's not.
I enjoyed this very much. Looking forward to Part 2!
2283863 Part 1 is complete... or it was. Until yesterday when with the help of some of the other writers I decided it wasn't... xD Sorry. I should finish Part 1 tomorrow. I'm renaming it Twilight's Dawn: Flight. I'm naming part 2, Twilight's Dawn: Conquest.
this story is awesome
2303481 Thanks!
2305281 how far are you into making chapter 13?
2310024 Sorry I've been doing reviews for the Equestrian Critic's Society. I consider it an exercise to help me become a better writer as well as a public service for the community and ego boost xD
I've been thinking about it and that's what most of the work in writing is... I have some time tomorrow morning, who knows maybe I'll wrap up part 1 tomorrow. But no promises.
you summoned with an offering of brony blood? well here i am, mortal.