(2nd POV)
From an accident 3 years ago, a blind teenager was transferred to another school, in hopes that he can just be treated as a normal kid again, and won't have to deal with bullies. What he doesn't know about the school is about the many crazy things that goes on inside. Or about the town, for that matter.
Chances of surviving? I wouldn't really bet on it.
Although this one girl in this town might make it worth the pain.
{Experimental story #1. Let's see how many dislikes I will get for this.}
Note: Humanized Ponies. Takes place in Ponyville, Equestria. High School and stuff. Deal with it haters.
Chapters (7)
I like it so far, but you might want someone to proofread out those little errors I'm seeing.
I'm looking through it, and making some edits that I like personally, and remember, I AM A HUGE NITPICK AND A GRAMMAR NAZI. What you do with your story is COMPLETELY up to you, I'm just offering some alternatives. Looking forward to how the rest of the story turns out!
"Doctor, the acid has already destroyed his retinal artery. The only option left is to remove the eyes completely and drain any remaining acid, before it flows to the brain."
I can hear a lot of screaming... Are those my screams?
Stop the burning... Stop the pain... (this one's more a personal preference, I feel like the original way is a bit disjointed.)
Everything is dark… Something that I’m already used to… (Personal comment, lots of ellipses. Not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to limit that in the future.)
It’s confusing whenever I wake up from a normal dream, and frightening when it’s a nightmare. When I wake up, I still can't see anything. I can never tell if I've actually woken up, or if I'm still dreaming. Whenever I wake up, I don’t see any ceiling above me, I just see darkness. Like now, for example. Just one of the many cons of being blind.
How did I become blind, you may ask? Well, long story short, my eyes were almost completely disintegrated by acid, and they had to be surgically removed. It only happened 3 years ago.
so it was pretty recent-ish.(The recent-ish thing is another more personal one, it throws me off a little bit.)I walk over to my closet and replace my pajamas with proper clothes, before going into my bathroom and brushing my teeth.
I don’t really mind not having eyes, seeing (PUN!) as I can still do absolutely mundane tasks with no trouble at all. Being blind may literally mean I can’t see anything, but I can see, in my own way.
Confused? Let me explain how it works.
After my eyes were removed, my ability to hear became incredibly advanced. I remember the doctors saying something about a human body can adapt rapidly,
I don’t know. It was 3 years ago. (that last bit with the "I don't know" is definitely a touch out of place. Earlier you related that three years was recent-ish, and now you are saying you cannot remember as though it were a long time. Slightly contradictory. I believe this is going to be a second person fic, so I can recommend to try not to project too much character onto, well, the main character. Don't be afraid to give them emotions, but make the personality somewhat attachable, so people can grasp the "second person" bit.So now, I see with my ears, sort of. Let me give you an example.
Imagine being in a room you have never been in before. The lights are off, so you can’t see anything inside. The first thing you would need to do would be to turn on the lights to see. I just clap my hands, and I can feel the waves of sound reverberating around in the room, hitting the various objects inside. Then, my brain subconsciously constructs what the room looks like, and I can "see" everything inside. I can walk around, not having to worry about hitting any tables, or chairs, or even stepping on things. That's how I see.
I find a lot of loose change just lying around now. (just me being nitpicky again. Pennies seemed a bit cliche, for some reason or another. PERSONAL OPINIONS AND SUCH.)
It took around three months of waiting to be released from the hospital to master this... echolocation. My family's faces, when they first saw me walking through the halls without running into anything? I can only imagine how startled they were... Literally.
After brushing my teeth, I reflexively looked up to the mirror to see my reflection, before recalling that it was a waste of my time.(If your character has been blind for three years, this wouldn't be a surprise, I don't think. However, since they lived with eyesight before, I would say that it could definitely be a lingering reflex.)
Any mirrors or glass that I try to "see" are just blank walls in my head. Sound doesn't reflect my face like light would, sadly enough. This also means that I can't see through windows, watch TV, use computers, or even use most smartphones, since they have touch screens.
It sucks. (Now don't you be mixing up your tenses. That's the death of one too many a good fanfic.)
I'll stop there, because I feel like a bit of a jerk for nitpicking that far into it. I feel like the stereotypical English teacher that everyone hates for being overly critical.
Either way, I could write up a full edit, if you want. But hey, that's up to you. Either way, I'll be looking forward to more!
2108677
Where have you been all my life?!
You write this shit better than I do!
Can you keep sending me these corrections? I love it!
You sound like some professional writer, and I am completely jealous.
2108878
Thank you very much!
I'll send you a full rewrite of this chapter when I have the time.
I'm glad you like the corrections, just pick and choose whatever you like, dear sir.
2nd person next?Good!Wait.........great now i'm blind again!
I don't favorite humanitized stories,but I'm gonna try.Who knows! I might have missed a lot of good stories!
2109499
I'm just trying to test it out. Seems like a good idea at the time, so I'm hoping this turns out well...
I'm interested in how this will turn out! It's not often I see a story with a blind protagonist and now I'm curious in how you'll take this in the future.
One thing though: this echolocation ability of his might help him indoors, but what happens when he goes outside? Surely it will bounce of trees and bushes and the like, but there's not much else for him to "see" out there. Also... does he just clap his hands every time he walks into a new room? (Seeing as how the sound in the last room would have bounced off all the walls, restricting it to that small space.) The same question comes up when he's walking for a long period of time. It just seems like it would be awfully silly for him to walk around clapping his hands every so often just to be able to see for a small radial area.
You might be able to say that people in a room could be an issue because they're not restricted to staying in one place like furniture would be, although it's more than likely he could tell where they are by the voices they make and the sounds of their movement. Really, I'm just thinking way too far into this at this point//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
Keep up the good work
Edit: And now I feel rather silly because I wrote that comment near the middle of the chapter, before the train station scene. My apologies
2111536
That happens to me more often than I want.
I ask questions before reading, and then find out the answer was already there. :P
No worries, glad you enjoyed my story!
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First chapter in first person...
Second chapter in second person...
Is there a pattern here?
Humanized.
AAAAAAAHHHHHH YYEEEEAAAAAHHHHH
this is great!
when will the next chapter come out?
2121995
Well, I just write these things on the fly, so I have no idea. Just only when I eat enough tooth-paste to get random inspiring ideas. So it may take minutes, or days.
And also some delays, as when I finish, I have to send it to an editor to correct anything wrong, and also adding in some important bits I might miss out.
So expect it to come at a random day.
Glad you enjoyed my story though!
Wow, this story is somehow slowly getting popular in a span of 3 days.
Either you guys have weird taste in stories, or the things I write about are actually interesting and cool.
At this point, I might slowly get even more noticed around here. :P
2122054ok but don't eat too much toothpaste, it's not good for your health. and if you die... i'll kill you
2122102 hmmm, not really a fan of the 2nd person point of view but the story concept is a good one, I'll give you that.
2123683
I am obsessed with 2nd POV stories... Like a guy addicted to crack, is addicted to crack.
Glad you enjoyed it though!
im liking this a lot so far. keep it up!
followin'
9 dislikes already? That was fast ._.
2125722
But you have 30 likes!
Also, why do I feel that this "school" will be a pain?
2127559
29.
My own likes don't count. ._.
2132295
.................................how could you?
I thought you had 30 likes.........................................
Good story and now you have 31 not your likes!
2136310
Thank you good sir.
Lol very good
2136806
It is good, that you think it is good, my good sir.
I really like this, like... A lot
Fucking daredevil in equestria... But with people... And less nunchucks
2138845
Uh..... ok then.....
Glad you enjoyed my story!
great chapter! keep up the good work
2161718
Thanks. Although, at some point, it might be re-edited. I just don't know when.
Nice job with the new chapter, it is a little confusing how he can be so spot on with what's going on and yet still be blind though
Overall I love the premis and the writing is pretty good as well
Keep up the good work chap, can't wait for more!
2163660
You don't know how advance his hearing is.
If it's inside a room, or up close, he has a 100% chance of instantly knowing what object near him looks like, just by using sound-waves.
Although, if the object is far away, and also outside, it becomes a bit blurry, seeing as how sound can't travel too far.
By now, you should also remember that I mentioned how he can't see through and/or reflections on glass.
Also, if it wasn't obvious enough by the title, he can't imagine colors anymore. Sure, he still remembers what they are, and what they look like, but it will never show up in his brain when he imagines what the object looks like.
I think I did a good job explaining this...
Glad you enjoyed the story by the way!
2163788 i know, i know, I realize all of this,
perhaps confusing wasn't the right word, It isn't a bad thing at all, in act i quite like the idea of "the character" having this cool ability. I guess interesting would be a better word for what am saying? I feel almost conflicted, I wish i could do that (knowing everything around you) but I also really like being able to see, It adds a certain connectivity to the story because I am sure that the main character would think of the situation much as i do, his ability is cool but he still probably misses being able to see. The way it is written really adds to this connectivity and I think that everything comes together very well.
And don't worry, you did a very good job of explaining it in the story, its just that a concept like that will be "hard to relate with" no matter what considering that no one who reads this will be able to completely understand what it is like to be "the charecter" because the mear fact that they are reading it implies that they are not blind.
What's funny is that I just noticed I forgot to fav this story
,but I did now.
And don't worry, I can understand how video games can get in the way of working on this story.
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If that happened i would of ran away screaming... im not very sociable... im a loner
Me before writing the story: I have no idea what I'm doing.
Me during writing the story: I have no idea what I'm doing.
Me after publishing the story: What in hell's name did I get myself into?
This is awesome! Five Spikes for you!
Now I just wanted to say this is a really good story and I hope you don't quit on it like some people do. Man,I'd hate to be him, no eyeballs and all. Well peace out
(btw sorry of the lack of punctuation in this.I don't feel like doing it
) Amazing story thou! Can't wait to see more! Peace (lol I said that for the second time. Okay I need to stopp rambling)
2253613
Wow, thanks! I'm glad that you enjoyed it!
Don't worry, I'm going to try my best to finish this long-ass story.
..... After I'm done procrastinating.
Procrastination? Psssh.
Go have some fun with your best friend Couch, and his buddy Remote.
2234028
You either got yourself into a life of dislikes from hell,or likes from heaven.That or you released Discord by accident......
the story is great but the updates are far apart
2293158
I suck at updating stories.
I think I said that before....
Hahahahahahhahahah. What's the next spot he'll get hit in?
Now I will jab you to death with my green thumb!OF DEATH!!!
damn, "my brother" sucks at picking up girls, musta taken all the swag for myself....
2294552
You forgot that I have taken some as well.
*jabs to death*
2294786 Is that a challange?
OH GOD
SWAG OVERLOAD
