Things go smoothly at the start of the first semester,
Until of course, when you meet this strange girl from Cloudsdale and sets motion to a series of events that will change your life forever (until you die, of course). Will this change be for better? Or for worse?
~A second-person story.
WARNING: There will be some suggestive themes in most of the chapters. MOST of the chapters.
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Please be gentle.
I love the story already now you get a mustach
Alright, first things first.
Please, pretty please, drop the Tags Gallore!
Try to focus on what is your story main categories. You don't need to include every small part on the tags. Sorry kiddo, you can't have a comedic, romantic, slice of life, random, humanized alternate universe story. It's just too much for a single story.
Good thing you have at least a decent cover art, and your chapter lenght seens fine. Should I read it?
Fine...
I will be back at seeing what this is about.
1984641 Thank you very much!
1984651 Tnx for the advice! Changing...... nao
Alright, I read it and...
Your story seems alright. But I need to give you some adivice how to make it even better.
First, your worst flaw lies on the fact that you are forgetting to press the enter button everytime you start a new paragraph. It's important, or you end up having a holy wall of text and the big majority of the readers tend to hate those walls. Grammar and punctuation seems fine, so congratulations.
Another flaw on structuring, avoid using capitals to indicate shouts, and try to use italics everytime you want to indicate inner thoughts.
Now I have some small issues with the plot. The story has flawless pacing, good amount of descriptions, excelent immersion. But here comes my issue: In second person fics, you have to roleplay as the main character. Let's say that for me, "You" was Rafael, that is my name, I have a friend named Peter and another one named Alice, ok nothing special. Sure Rainbow Dash does not sound like your avarage name, but then suddenly you make it looks like we are living on a humanized Equestria.
If we have towns called Ponyville, Manehattan, Canterlot and such, why Rainbow Dash would be a strange name? And what about Thunderlane and Twilight Sparkle? More pony names, but "You" don't find them strange. So, we are on a humanized Equestria with Human standards?
I advise you to clarify those things fast, or the readers will get very confused.
Other than that, I give you a green thumb, because the story in itself is pretty good, and is about my second favorite pony. Magenta eyes are maybe the most attractive things to me.
1984767 Yeah, that's the one of the things I forgot to edit. Since I wrote a draft first then rewrote some stuff. Then speed read so I must have forgotten. Sorry 'bout that!
whats with all these school stories.....
decent. i like it.
followin'
Well, well.. this is pretty good. Keep this up, Josh.
1990997 Tnx for the compliment
This is pretty great keep up the good work!
Ugh hate second person
2125410 You'll learn to love it
Nice chapter bit on the short side though but other then that good work!
yay update
and now I wait for another update...
static2.fjcdn.com/comments/Yes+this+pleases+internet+surfing+Rainbow+Dash+ahha+_fd872e2f45453e445c36c01d081225f3.png
But next one better have more rainbow
the ending had me crying
2197426 Rainbows will be everywhere
paulandsusan.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/double_rainbow.jpg
2197426 Sorry bro, no Rainbows for this chapter.
I want more
Welp! I think I wont be able to update tomorrow. I have school tomorrow and it's gonna get very busy. Sorry in advance guys.
~Josh
i82.photobucket.com/albums/j273/spenspuma/cool-story-bro-pl-ffffff-14.jpg
But there still be not enough rainbows!
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2904-125814_-_animated_extended_rainbow_dash_sadface.gif
"Shit josh!
you had one job!"
30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2ypymJotV1qb6815o1_500.png
WHOA i think the itallics broke
Hurray! Rainbow's
2213232 lol
EDIT: Fixed. HAHAHA.
I just woke up and this is the first thing I saw. I'm still sleepy
Moar my fine sir
best laugh I had in a while.
2223150 Well that's what 'you' did LOL
2223167 noo~ Scarf did not me.
Why the hell does the italics keeps getting broken?!
EDIT:
Fixed. LOL that was the 2nd time that happened.
2223192 Well, Scarf was the pet name Pinkie gave you, sooo your still 'you' xD
2223219 Maybe just maybe.
Did I miss something? Cuz you keep spelling Octavia as Octovia.
2223561 Well, I read a fic some time last year and her name was spelled like that, so it kinda stuck to me, sooo...
Changing...
I love the rate at which you update.
I think there's a past present type mistake at the start. Should check it out.
P.S. 'You' are such a dick
2228722 LOL.
Me no have class now that's why you get chapters every day.
Also, do tell that mistake when you find it.
2228733 amazing chapter, cant wait for the next, you putting these out verry often but they are amazing
2214939No they're not...
Good chapter, though.
2229103 THERE! FIXED!
As well as the instances of Octavia's name spelled like Octovia.
lol MIB 3
2232166 Did you save changes? Also, sorry...
2233757 I didn't lol
Is it just me, or are a lot girls are going to like me in this story?
Jep best story ever :D Quite the ladies man
Only one request. LONGER CHAPTERS. Actually, I lied. Make me less of a dick.
I know this is a fic but doesn't it seem really unrealistic to have a nerd/geek that gets all the ladies?