What happens when two brothers, who just want life to be perfect, end up getting a wish granted, but at a cost? They get dragged into some seriously unusual crap, that's what! I suck at summaries...
Chapters (2)
Toron and Zeno
Joined 30th Dec, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Dalek IX · 27k words · 283 5 · 9k views
- Lupus · 31k words · 138 3 · 3.6k views
- Gilded Tome · 148k words · 1,289 109 · 23k views
- TheGoldenDragon · 63k words · 488 39 · 13k views
- Lucien Chance · 198k words · 680 69 · 15k views
- Mega NewWays97 · 23k words · 648 68 · 26k views
- ForestOfSpring · 16k words · 74 4 · 2.7k views
- Immortan Joe · 7.6k words · 106 11 · 3k views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.078 seconds
Total duration
1,028 users online
1,728,335 hits today, 2,123,720 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
That would be like Rainbow Dash, to tell somebody to shutup, while not even knowing that person. I find this...
amusing.
Nice, but I think it wold be cool to have spike in the story, to. Like maybe, Celestia needed to tell Twilight about the progress of the research in Equestria, and sends spike ove to bear the message.But it turns out, Celestia and Luna can't bring Spike back. I think it would be really awesome to have Spike in this story. Can't wait to see the next chapter!
1971357 Oh look, it's a self insert
Keep up the good work please?
More this is GREAT I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1971427 What do you mean by 'self insert'? If you're implying that I was trying to make this story my own, I wasn't, I just thought it would be cool to have Spike in the story.
this story is kick ass! Plus there is swords!!!
Change it to teen
Nah, keep it Teen.
Teen... any amount of death requires teen, unfortunately...
>I suck at summaries
I'm going to like this just for that
Okay, maybe for the story too, but mostly that.
Swords *w*
Please make more.
P.S. Am I the only one that thought of Sailor Moon when they started drawing their weapons?
What's up with the mafioso girls, eh?
That's kinda weird. Them? Being elements?
I don't see it in too bright-light... But dahell, one of them wears a lab-coat. Must be Ele of magic.
But the other one... Impulsive, strong. Dash, maybe?
But to hell with my un-reasonable blaberring.
I like this story. Make more.
i think we found the element of loyalty from earth
Sir, I need you to sign for this review from: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: My Guardians
Grammar score out of 10: 6 You seem to have the basics down, but you need still improvement.
Pros:
The idea is original, for the most part.
The Abrogate are interesting monsters.
Laila (Leila?) and Christina are also interesting.
Cons:
You often become repetitive.
The mane six seem out of character at times.
Show, don’t tell. (Read that)
Notes Section:
Okay, let’s do this.
Starting from the top, we have your grammar issues. For the most part, this would be solved by a proofreader. That link will send you to a group dedicated to that very thing. But for now, work on your wording. You often repeat words, which makes the story feel dull. For example, instead of repeated uses of he/she or the characters name, use one of their traits. So, instead of
“Hello!” Pinkie Pie said.
You could write.
“Hello!” The pink haired girl greeted.
See what I mean? Other than that, just be sure not to repeat words, unless you do so on purpose for something such as emphasis.
Next, is your pros section. When I say: ”original, for the most part.” I meant that the idea isn’t common for MLP, but it is for everything else. The otherworldly visitors telling unsuspecting teens that they have super powers and are meant to save the world concept is one that you really need to be careful with. By that, I mean you have to do something to make your story stand out. If not, it will just fade into the writhing mass of unfinished stories that threatens to consume all.
I do have one question for you. Are you aware that abrogate is actually a word? It is defined as :“to repeal or abolish something formally and publicly.” Just thought you should know if you didn’t already.
Lastly, the section that isn’t so much fun, the cons. Now, I already covered the first. And the third is a link, so I shouldn’t have to explain that. About the mane six, for the most part you do an okay job. My largest complaint is Twilight’s character. She is a scientific, observant type of girl. This means that when she travels to a whole new world, she probably is going to be asking some questions. Even with her duty to help Toron and Zeno, something would distract her, I’m sure. So unless she somehow already knows about Earth and the things on it, her natural curiosity is going to shine through.
Other than that, the other characters don’t feel fleshed out enough. Even though the reader is expected to know most of the characters already when reading fan fiction, this doesn’t mean the writer can be lazy. You are borrowing these characters, which means you are responsible for making them act properly. This means making sure that they don’t fall flat, and as I said, staying in character.
Well, looks like that’s all. I’ll track your story for now, but I expect improvement!
Enjoy your review! I‘d really appreciate if you checked out my story: Que Sera, Sera
you shouldve made them elements that wouldve been bad ass! plus whens the next chapter!?
YOU TOOK MY ADVICE! Thank you SO MUCH!
< like, that violent.
And Rising One is right, you need to proofread a bit. Can't wait for Spike to get here, and to see our EoH. You should change it to teen, because those two girls seem VIOLENT!
...oh well buck that ain't good!!
"I suck at summaries"
Remove this. It is the job of an author to summarise what happens in the story. If you can't summarise what happens in your story or what its themes are in a few hundred letters or less, just put on your Epic Movie Trailer voice and fake it.