Can Equestria's most magical pony survive the lawless land of the Weird West?
Months after the Alicorn Amulet incident, Trixie tries in vain to rebuild her reputation as a great magician. Then one day she reads an article proclaiming that The Great and Powerful Trixie is in the sleepy town of Saddlestone, taking on all vagrants and rogues to clean up the streets. Who is this mare that dares steal Trixie's identity?
Trixie travels out west to find out, stepping into the world of Equestria's Weird West- an untamed land of dangerous adventure, legendary creatures, and deadly webs of conspiracy. Caught up in the mystery of Saddlestone, Trixie is determined to find the answers and uncover the truth behind the town's troubles. However, as she dives deeper, Trixie finds that the town holds secrets that have destroyed the lives of curious ponies before her. Can Trixie trust anyone to help her in this lawless town, or will she become another victim to the unknown denizens plaguing this desert?
And so it begins...
The only thing to make Barley's name worse is to have the last name "Hopps".
And that one's from Jonathan Winters.
"Much, much more foolish"? Oohhh, I can hardly wait. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
Keep this up, I'll be watching :)
NOW Trixie regrets a few things she's said over the years...
So far, good. The story, not Trixie's situation.
First of all, this story is awesome, and i'm looking forward to the next chapter. Secondly, I think earth ponies and pegasi propably would have found a way to use slingshots with their mouths, here I'm thinking back to Fallout: Equestria where the guns has specialized mouth grips, or maybe they can stand on their hind legs, haveing the slingshot mounted on their front leg, and fire like you normally would, since it is canon that ponies can, to a certain degree, handle things as if they had hands. hope i've given you some good ideas, and keep up the good work.
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Thanks for the feed back! I appreciate it. You make a good point about the slingshots. I should look into making some artistic designs and flesh them out better for my story.
An interesting story so far. I like the pictures that go with it, that's a nice touch
I was a little disappointed that there wasn't a real impostor Trixie
But it's okay, the actual story also looks like it'll be interesting
I notice you use "pony-kinesis" instead of telekinesis. Is there a reason? I've never heard that term used before, and it kinda throws me off every time.
The use of "boss griffon" in the prelude felt a bit glaring, like a better descriptor or even a name would have been better. I'd be happy to blame that on Trixie's poor writing
except the reader doesn't know it's Trixie writing until they get to the next chapter. Maybe something to keep in mind
Some of the writing could be improved in places. Take the paragraph below
First the bolded word should have been "had". Your tense slips from past to present like that a lot. There are also a few typos and such, but that's minor stuff and can be handled with a dedicated proof-reading.
The more important problem is that the paragraph sort of reads a little forced. I'll rewrite it so perhaps you can see what I mean.
Or something like that. Try to avoid things like "Trixie then noticed", describe it instead.
I like the idea of this hare create, it's interesting. Anyway, let's rewrite that too
Or something. I'm a little less certain why exactly this sentence isn't rolling off the tongue so well, something with the "due to" part, but there are a number of sentences that could be worded a little better, I think.
Also, and this may just be me, but I personally always try to avoid the word "suddenly" whenever I can. It's usually not needed and kinda dampens any sense of drama.
I'd probably say
Saying "toppled on top" gives a slight echo
Hope this was helpful. Otherwise a nice story. Looking forward to more.
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Thanks for the tips! I'll look at them and see about improving my work.
Glad you found it interesting so far.
Well, finally taking the time to read your story, after finally registering an account here on FiMFiction.
So far, so good!
Good so far, Digo!
You and I think way too much alike if we're using Blazing Saddles references before chapter 5.
It appears Trixie has found her calling: Causing more trouble pound-for-pound than the Cutie Mark Crusaders. On purpose.
Very nice. Looks like trouble's abrewin', and third-person Trixie is always a welcome sight
I think the writing has improved too. Good job
Very nice. I'm holding out hope for the weird reptiles to stay weird reptiles.
Also the adventurer is a good guy trying to prevent the miners from making the classic dwarven error.
Get out of my head, Ellie.
A few misspellings and such, but nothing major:
Aisles are what you walk through in a warehouse; isles are what Gilligan lives on.
as a puff of smoke evaporates - I think you meant either evaporated (water) or dissipated (smoke)
way to sober - too, right?
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Thanks for the feedback!
Ellie is growing on me as the kind of character that isn't subtle with emotion. I should work on that.
“Iggy, you’re going to be our spotter. How good are you with matches? What am I saying? Kids are great at starting fires! ”
Gold. Gold. Everything that comes out of this mare's mouth is gold.
Really enjoying this.
Great chapter :)
Noticed a few minor issues along the way.
For another what? Probably should be "another time".
I ... don't think you meant 'venerable', maybe 'veritable'?
Notice that this sentence is slightly ambiguous. It's not likely to be misunderstood, but as it is, she might be saying she wants revenge on whoever took him away, and on the townsfolk too, when what you probably intended is that that he was taken away from the townsfolk too. You could perhaps put in another "from" after my [and], or you could try rephrasing it slightly.
Redemption? On her face? Might be what you meant, just not something I'd normally regard as an expression or look
A slightly odd wording. "Don't you worry" sounds better.
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At least you got the reference. I was told about this line before Digo had even written it and I still didn't catch the reference until he then explained it to me later. I still don't even remember that scene from Blazing Saddles.
Looking good so far, Digo!
And some more masterwork from Digo! Your story just keeps getting better and better!
First! *is shot*
In all seriousness, though, that was an incredible showdown! While I was still certain Team Trixie would still come out victorious in the end, I started having concerns that any of Team Trixie could have died during that final fight with the Diamond Dogs!
Also, I had to back up for a moment to clarify that it was Roxy, not Trixie, that was punting Iggy off of her leg. The fact that, during that fight, all of the combatants, both pony and Diamond Dog, was female, just didn't help in the pronoun department.
Still, a rather excellent conclusion to this chapter of the story... unless the chapter's still not over yet?
Hmm, one wonders what kind of damage Trixie and Twilight could do if they joined forces. Nnaahhhh, never happen.
I guess I'll have to settle for Trixie's heroics. Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all.
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Yeah, with an all-female list of combatants, I can see how pronouns will get confusing. Well, if you see any unclear parts of the fight, do let me know and I'll see about rewriting it for clarity. I'll look into the one mention you got already.
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Excellent.
That was awesome
I always enjoy seeing Trixie kick tail
That was amazing. This story deserves another like just for this chapter. Why can I only give out one?!
First! *shot again*
Well, I see what you were talking to me about this chapter in your previous e-mails to me. Glad to see this finally become reality!
"If you're not one of us, you're the enemy." A familiar refrain.
Another: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
The Walkers are fooling themselves, just like any similar organization before them.
Good stuff, and a nice set-up for the next bit of fun.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png
Ah ... that kind of organization, always fun at parties
Nice chapter
Wow, you sure know how to bring the house down, Trixie. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png
Awesome finish to this part. Now all they have to do is dig themselves out. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png
Oh, stop it, Dashie...
Naw, ya think?
Very nice. Now we'll have to get used to Trixie as a sympathetic character. Likable, even.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png
I thought the chapter said 'Vindication Against Slender'... For a minute there, I thought this story was taking a massive turn
Well that turned out very nicely. Well done!
Wait... so you're saying Golden Jubilee just got darker with each revision, and you ended up stopping on the third one? How much darker can she even be?
Regardless, another masterpiece of pony fiction!
So, it's just this story arc that's over, right?
Right?
Seriously, though, I'm looking forward for more of your Crazy Poni Fiction™!
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Yeah, this is the first story in a trilogy that I will eventually write.
In fact, I've already started writing parts of the second story.
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Yeah, I had this odd feeling there was gonna be more.
It also helps when you e-mail the author on a regular basis, too.
Finally got around to reading the last two chapters. Sorry I've been slacking off
The fight with Debon and the rest down in the mine had a few issues, I think. The biggest, I think, was that it felt like way too much time passed between Debon turning into shadow and going for the bell, and Ellie moving to get it before him. Like, I'd have expected Debon to have reached the bell loooong before Ellie even got moving. Once Debon turns into shadow they really only have a few seconds at best. Or perhaps the light was keeping him away, since he's shadowy, but then I'd expect some sort of twist where he was only waiting for them to get it for him.
There were some similar issues with some of the other parts of that fight, where I felt that surely the Chubacabras would have had time to finish off Trixie and such. Battles are tricky, especially between lots of people.
This last chapter could have used a bit of action too, I think. Perhaps a brief scene of chasing after Debon, only to find that it's pointless.
Otherwise, very nice story. I enjoyed it a lot
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Thanks for the feedback! I'll address the final fight over the next couple nights and manipulate the pacing so it is more believable. For the final chapter, hmm... I'll brainstorm some small action piece to add to it.
Maybe I'll elaborate on the fireworks flying everywhere?
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Another possibility is to put in a dramatic cliffhanger in chapter 8, in the middle of or just before the big fight, and have the big fight end in chapter 9. Just another possibility to consider
make more plz?
Outlaw mare: Deep in the Everfree
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I'm wrapping up a Celestia comedy fanfic now, but yes, I am returning to this series after that.
2432668 YA!
oh is she still have her slingshot? and i have to ask how come no guns, i know there low tech but pinkie pie how a cannon so i have no don'ed in my mind that the have matchlock rifle or a flintlock pistol in the griffen kingthem that have hands or can use magic?
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I guess guns felt a little out of place to me. I know guns are big with westerns and that ponies have cannons, but I thought maybe guns didn't have to be a thing for my setting. Lots of other settings use them, like Fallout: Equestria, so I wanted something different. Slingshots seemed to be different enough to merit the go-to personal weapon of the pony. Plus, there's still magic for the Unicorns so Trixie has that as well.
But still, Trixie won't be going on her next adventure unarmed.
2433181 i can undersand that my man or girl, but a weapon in m eyes can tell me about the person itself just like looking them in the eye and how the hold them self up.
To me i look for how well the use it what kind and how long the have it, its like have a slingshot made out of iorn and have rubber gurb to an handmade wood one
If i see them use smell but hevay laed balls that tells me his fast on the pull and know how to aim and almost never miss
Okay, finished this up. really liked it, too. I see there's a sequel, which I'll dive into ASAP. Hopefully you'll be continuing past even that?
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I certainly have enough ideas to do two more. After that... we'll see what happens.
2772842 Dammit... *Follows* I hope you're happy!
Oh, Trixie. I could see at least three ways to write yourself out of that situation. One of them would have even emphasized your powers of ponykinesis, the other two being the appearance of an unexpected ally and dumb luck, respectively.
Yow! Now that is desperation, as it means she's (at least temporarily) giving up on writing ...
Oh, of course -- their "cattle" are sapient! Barbed wire would both be cruel (to the calves or stampeding cattle) and wouldn't work against calm cattle, who would just protect themselves from it with a thick cloth or something and walk right over.
(*bell dings*) Yay!
Trixie just lost her luggage. A necessary sacrifice, but sad given how poor she is at the moment.
I like the fact that you write Trixie as smart.
Yeah. Having read the Outlaw Mares blog, I was sort of expecting this when Trixie expected to escape on Ellie's wings. I figured Ellie hadn't built the mechanical one yet.
Roxy seems to be channeling Biff from the Back to the Future trilogy. Appropriate, because Biff's ancestor was the villain in the third movie, in a Wild West setting.
Question
Did you mean "impudent"?
I have her use it more socially in the two stories I wrote about Pony-Trixie, but they take place about three years before this one on my chronology, and she's younger and more innocent in them. You're setting this post-Amulet, and I figure that falling under the power of the Amulet has to have been one of the most horrible experiences of her life. The third person "Adjective and Adjective Trixie" is part of her panache, and when she's feeling generally depressed she doesn't care enough to make the effort.