ScarletNightx1
Joined 2nd Jan, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- greener97 · 14k words · 101 10 · 4.9k views
- anonymous101 · 2k words · 180 36 · 7k views
- Inferno demon Dash · 7.5k words · 96 10 · 2.5k views
- Crisis Novastar · 27k words · 519 79 · 2.9k views
- trahzo · 3.1k words · 32 45 · 2.4k views
- MidnightBloom · 4.8k words · 110 21 · 2.6k views
- IGNORE IGNORE · 1.8k words · 107 11 · 3.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.185 seconds
Total duration
767 users online
890,582 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Continue! I DEMAND ANOTHER CHAPTER OR A SEQUEL!!!
i love this story wow it good real good and yeah another chapter or sequel
Another chapter or a sequel.
you need to add another chapter, cause this story is freaking awesome
Please another chapter, Reveal to twilight whats happened, show Sweety belle and Rarity arguing rarity cheap attacks spike about 'he can't have her so he goes after her sister" and finally due to the the black stallion, she has "Something" and it aint a kid.
Well...while I may seem brutal in my comment I will say beforehand that I quite liked your idea for your story. There were just 'little details' messing up the fun for me.
is called Sweetie Belle, it is the Hearts WarmING Eve and so on.
and 
seems a bit forced. The ending of the relationship you got down quite good too, although Rarity sounded quite shallow (which probably was your intention). After that everything seems rushed - the talk wit Sweetie, the change of atmosphere from sad to romantic to somewhat sexual. And the sex...it was a bit hurriedly started. Your explained the act quite well and the ending was good too but your story rushed so much at some parts that the whole thing suffers from it.
1. You seriously need a proofreader for your stories. There were many mistakes that even a quick read-through would have prevented. For example
2. While I quite like your idea, you need to pace yourself. The beginning is abrupt, letting the situation seem a bit surreal and more like a dream. The sorrow you brought quite good to paper but the little talk of
3. Try to incorporate more characters. There is never a story with Spike where there isn't even a little mention of Twilight at least being away. Also if you continue try writing reactions from other ponies knowing the two in regards to their breakup and Spikes and Sweetie Belle's new relationship soon after. You also can continue with the shallow acts of Rarity and some form of revenge against the two new lovers. There is still much to be written into your story and it would help a great deal to flesh it out.
Other than that, let me say again, great idea! I like Spike-shippings, especially when they are done well. I also dislike Sparity the most out of those since the two never seem to work quite right in my mind. So, congrats to your story!
thanks I thought it was a bit rushed as well since it was only done more or less in 6hrs
. Also thanks for the brutal reply I kinda needed help to better improve the stories I wanted to write. Seeing as this story was suppose to be a time span of several hours and re reading it a few time after the post i kinda feel bad about not giving enough time to correct my mistakes
. But there always room for me to improve myself and this story in the possible future and I really really needed this honest opinion Mitsubishi Colt so again thanks
'Clap hands' that was beautiful Rarity was the one who never actually tried and now she gets that one word that sums her up for this story BITCHAAAAAA.
I would love a squeal maybe because this deserve to see what happens with rarity and friends relationship. Just beautiful
1942157 I saw nothing much wrong I mean just a long explantion for only a few things. And besides rarity sometimes does act shallow but that's because it makes an interesting story.
Daym. I would've thought spike would roast both of them on the spot! XD
1942287
First of all, thanks. Sometimes the brutal honesty is not appreciated. Also, the only thing you really need is practise. After a few more stories they will get definitely better, especially if you mind your commenters.
1942569
I'm prone to overexplaining the smallest of details. And as I said,
I've noticed how little actually is wrong with the story.
I liked this story.
With that said, I have a couple of kinks that I had to say. The story was good, the classic case of one man with two suitors that just happened to be sisters. It seemed a bit OOC that the story picks up and it depicts Rarity as a cold-hearted, shallow, nacissistic mare, who is only with the estranged stallion for the plot (pun intended), and not only like that but to openly have her affair out there in a "Watch as my new lover fucks me silly, we are over" setting. That isn't below the belt, that's kicking a sick puppy on the ground. WTF Rarity??? Could you at least given Spike a hint?? I mean really, the two of them were together, even under the same roof, apparently, and now it's a issue of he can't satisfy her, there's a new man?
The second thing was that it seemed to be a little rushed. Like I stated before, it is a good story. I can see that it was a one-shot, but the way that the story was constructed, it almost deserves to have more chapters, or a prequel, something.
You got the roast, just need to have the veggies bread, and dessert...
Mitsubishi Colt yes i know that sometimes it not the best but this was my fist time doing this so improving my abilities is key for me to be a better writer.
Everyone thank you for supporting this story and for how well it was even with the mistakes I made. like i said this story will have a continuation possibly over the next week as i am currently having another story being written.
now when ever i see rarity the first thing that comes to mind is "you bitch!"
I can only say two things really:
1) I'm sad about the Rarity break-up, but I'm supposed to be, and the actual point I wanted to make is that if that were me, I would've at least slashed a big ass scar on the both of them (nothing life-threatening, just damaging and never fading)
2) I want to read more, about what will happen in their future, and how Rarity will receive a more fitting punishment
1950541 wow thanks and I will make this longer than the one shot than it originally suppose to be so look forward to chapter 2.
Great concept and flow of story, however the grammar had alot left to be desired, good work
1951932 I am glad to hear that, and thank you for the reply
even though this story has adult content I'm flattered that you used my picture! :
Rarity and Blaze Blue should be killed...slowly and painfully. I I was Spike would have killed them both. I can' stand cheaters!!
the muffin queen demands another chapter or a sequel as an offering to appease her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like the idea, but you need an editor. So many spelling and grammar issues.
2050756 i know which is why I'm really in need of one before the next part that or just show me some basics.
Yes, the story, while decent could be fleshed out better. Spike's reaction isn't unreasonable, nor even his sexing Sweetie. However, Sweetie just come right out of the blue and is all like, "I like you spike, make hot draconic love to me here and now!"
The story could use little vignettes of Sweetie's POV. Little memories that help deepen Sweetie's character as to why she loves Spike. His attention to Rarity, buying her flowers, little gifts, or helping her around the Boutique. Maybe even where she, whether intentionally or unintentionally sees Spike and Rarity being intimate and affectionate.
As it is now, the reader gets blindsided with Sweetie liking/ loving Spike, but nothing as to why or how. Basically, there's no backstory/ flashbacks to her, to give a depth to her character, which I feel she lacks right now. Right now, she's like a Deus Ex Machina, Plot for the sake of Plot.
If that's pretty much what you set out to do, to give us clop, then you need not heed my opinions. If however, you seek to develop this story to potential it could have, then hopefully you'll find the other critiques and mine also helpful.
OMG SPIKE IS A ABSOLUTE BEAST IN THIS best part: "By the way you need to work on your stroke, makes you look like what you are right now Pathetic.", I FUCKIN SCREAM that was AWSOME so much FUCKING WIN!!!!
perfect
I think you perhaps require an editor. But that may be just the Grammar Nazi in me. There is something I understood about this story, though: Spike Is A BUCKING BEAST!!!!
Love the story (only half through it as I write this).
P.S. We already knew Rarity was a slut
2281991 You're right i do need a editor If more or less wanna continue on in the story and I want to make the story better, with a larger field and more like a book based as my original intentions. Also I'm glad you're liking the story from the time of the post Seeing as it was done in 3 days time. I really thought it was going to wind up bad, but I love the positives and negatives from the others it's help to improve my faults.
2279042 It was my favorite part as well, and honestly that line came out by mistake and I have no regrets putting in that line.
2281991 WOAH DUDE RARITY IS PONY IN MY EYES its THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING. to see her this way in the story but she's still better then applejack XD
2283729
I was kidding with that last one, and I actually like Rarity too. But she ain't better than AppleJack
Though I respect your opinion
2285414 OoooKkkk then
...No.
There's a lot of work that needs to be done before this pile of words can be considered a story, at which point it might actually be interesting.
2293190 ohh enlighten me.
tis a good story
she cheated on spike, so he beat her lovers ass and bangs her sister! this is one badass dragon and he always goes balls-deep
Ok, not trying to sound mean or anything, but here is a really big tip.
Mother-fucking grammar. Learn it.
Unless this is a giant trollfic, or you just really don't care about this story.
But what am I saying? I have nothing posted, whether it be a blog or a simple 2k word one-shot story.
This is a fic for everypony that hate Rarity, but love one shipping with Spike and SweetBelle.
2419575 I won't disagree because you're right on the idea, but a troll story would be much, much worst. In fact If I did posted a troll story on here It will be hated and I will love it so that's outta the question. Second, it's probably oblivious you didn't read the full story because otherwise you wouldn't think that way. Sometimes the difference between constructed Criticism and just plain hating is the fact that they're just there to hate on a person idea instead of helping to improve their skills. Trust me when you post up your first story(because I didn't see it) you might receive as much hatred and love as me.
2417865 thanks a lot dude glad to entertain you even if for a tiny bit
2418534 lol yep
2424078 Exactly and note I like Rarity. took a bit of time but I grown to like her and see her more as a human then Lyra.
2430521
Well, I did read most of it to see that some slight grammar corrections here and there could improve the quality (again, if you want to, that is). For example: in the first few paragraphs, there are words that are capitalized when they shouldn't be, but if they are trying to display emphasis, might I recommend either capitalizing it fully or make use of italics.
Also, there were either quotation marks missing, or randomly placed where they shouldn't be. And I guess the last thing I majorly noticed was the lack of commas.
Let's look at one of the lines Sweetie Belle says:
"Hahaha oh you not that tree-"
It would probably be a good idea to make use of commas here to break it down more easily, and thus, making the sentence make more sense.
For example:
"Hahaha, oh you, not that tree-"
This can also be explained another way: Commas save lives!
"Let's eat Luigi!"
"Let's eat, Luigi!"
Though, no one really cares about Luigi so I guess we can get away with eating him.
I do have to admit though, there is a line between using commas and abusing commas, so please do take care of that.
And lastly, did I hate it?
No!!!
I'm not hating this. Not one bit. The story, even though fast paced, tells a cool story. Maybe not overly original (then again, what is these days?), but good never-the-less. Rarity, being the slut she is, has to go around sleeping with other guys just to get her fix, not caring in the slightest about Spike. So on and so forth, I'm not going to entirely spoil the entire story in this comment, but still, I'm not hating the story, nor am I hating you. I'm just trying to say that there are a few easy grammar mistakes that could be easily fixed. (Again, this is going on the whole "Should you want to" thing)
But as I said last time, what the hell am I talking about? I don't even have anything posted.
:P
Until next time,
Midnight Sun
Edit: Can't even do proper grammar myself sometimes. Stupid instant messengers for not needing periods (full stops).
2433949 Na it cool, instant messaging can be a bitch sometimes, and thanks for the constructive criticism and looking back they were errors that I was obliviously missing. Also I seemed to messed up a bit too much along the lines of some parts of the story which may even turn readers off. Which was why instead of writing more at that current moment decided to learn a bit of grammar placement to sharpen my skills. Also sorry if I went a bit too far, I just dislike when people say something negative that I put time into saying if I troll them. So I apologize if I take my actions too far with the response. Also if you like we can talk more and discuss something that might be good for the both of us to write together. Just saying
2434435
It's ok, man. I guess that my original comment may have been a bit offensive. Stupid lack of sleep and coupled with hanging around the sort of people who take that everyday.
But it's good that you're going back and sharpening up. It will defiantly help later.
As for writing together, ... yeah, I don't see that actually working. It would really be just you writing. Stupid lack of motivation and stuff. Motivation: The bane of all life. I'm serious. I've got a few stories I've been thinking of writing for months, but motivation is a bitch and I just don't bother with them.
Anyway,
Best of luck,
Midnight Sun
2283729 buck you
is better than 
oh and I can't wait to see 
face when she finds out
2469854 i can't wait either :rarity starry: and rarity is best pone
2470676
My friend, when you wanted to do the starry Rarity emoticon, it's just one word like so: : raritystarry : (just no spaces
)
This is a starry Rarity:
And no, I'm not a grammar nazi, just glad to help out when needed!
BTW, Rarity is not best pony to me, but she is a fascinating character to analyze. Same with Spike and Twilight.
The story is really good, but it's held back by grammatical errors. I can overlook that though, I may be a grammar nazi, but I'd be lying if I said I never make grammatical errors. What about the story? I
the story! It got me in that sweet spot that got me furious at Rarity's disgraceful behavior, as well as enjoying that slut shamming. Oh Celestia I do love a good slut shamming, and that bitch had it coming from a mile away. The sex scene was... fine. It was fine, but it sounded like something from a hentai manga. I kept waiting for Sweetie to say "Don't do that Onii-chan, it's embarrassing." or something along that line, if she did say that I'd probably die laughing. It can also be a tad repetitive. Like for example, how many times did you use the word 'pussy'? I counted 22 times. Over all it was a good story. It made me 
it made me 
made me 
made me 
and even made me 
a few times. It is in dire need of some fixing up, but it's not enough to keep me from enjoying it.
Final Score: B-
its over?!! no, oh god no, noo, noooo, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
this was good. aside from a few spelling and grammar errors, this made me happy. rarity is such a whore. sweetie belle is so much better for spike. she loves him just as he is. whoever you are,keep writing. you'll only get better.
other then the grammar this story was amazing!! Especially when spike told off rarity and knocked out that Pegasus. I've never been more proud of that dragon before! though I do feel him and sweetie bell hooking up was too fast it was still a good ending.
2434435 can you do another fanfic?
MOAR!