Wish Upon A Star

oaxaca #1 · Feb 14th, 2013 · 1 · 1 ·

The "twelve seconds later" thingy ruined this. It seems you got lazy with spike's confession that you placed the pic on top of it to save yourself the trouble, which in turn made the whole situation (and rarity's reaction) completely forced.

The Dragon Warlock

The Dragon Warlock #2 · Feb 14th, 2013 · · ·

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It's a good story, but the ending could've been done a little better.

Isumo1489

Isumo1489 #3 · Feb 15th, 2013 · · ·

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Meh, I give it a solid 7.5 out of 10.

Good setup, progression right up until the wish part. You did great...and then the image. That actually wasn't that bad, provided you had the actual scene later via link in a separate file under a higher rating. That's a common thing, and certainly all in good fun. That said...then Rarity coming down like that...well not for nothing, but THAT image...well, 12 'seconds' is usually not enough time for a proper confession...maybe if you'd gone with 2 hours later...but that's semantics. Second verse same as the first, and in this case, it was the lack of showing the actual happenings after the fact that rather caused a few lost points.

The two, after a shared glance for a while, agreeing to share him though? ...yeah, either he was in a dream sequence, or your narration fell apart by the end.

Still, I'll give credit where credit is due, this was an enjoyable romp, (Pardon the pun). And I'll admit I'm a sucker for Spike going after his love. So points just for the topic.

I hope this hasn't come of too harsh, because I mean it when I say the first half was done very well. Focus on your writing quality there and try to keep it even throughout and I promise your fics will improve dramatically! Easily 9.5 to full 10 with a "Seal of Feels hit" mark.

Keep going and know all things aside, I'm rooting for ya!

Typewrittensoul

Typewrittensoul #4 · Feb 15th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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2122623
So the "And then sex happened" is ok in your book? Never mind the "random" tag, the italian opening or abrupt ending credits; it's the "12-seconds later" that bothered you enough to essentially say that I'm a lazy writer? Huh.

2123394
Thank you for the needed advice and for rooting for me. Very helpful. Hopefully I'll be able to write a popular story sometime in the near future and earn more points from you.
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Isumo1489

Isumo1489 #5 · Feb 15th, 2013 · · ·

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2124053

Heh, glad to be of service, though I do wish to say one simple thing. I've never heard the Italian theme before, so for introducing that to me, I thank you...and the ending credits, well honestly, that was a nice touch.

oaxaca

oaxaca #6 · Feb 15th, 2013 · · 1 ·

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2124053

Why yes, because those parts didnt replace such an important place as the "confession", which your story itself made a big deal out of it.

Sallythemanatee

Sallythemanatee #7 · Feb 15th, 2013 · · ·

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That was pretty funny. I loved the banter in the beginning with spike securing the lab for his present. The tongue in cheek humor is played well and the pacing keeps the story from getting dull.

There are a few grammatical errors, tense problems and some sentence restructuring needed but not enough to detract from the story.

Path_of_cloud

Path_of_cloud #8 · Feb 15th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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Somehow, this very much feels like you, mate

Swashbucklist

Swashbucklist #9 · Feb 16th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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Blarg honk blarg. Honk honk, blarg, honk blarg Rarity's honk honk blarg. Blarg barg blarg, honk blarg blarg. Honk Spike blarg? Blarg honk honk blarg. Honk!

Blood Brandy

Blood Brandy #10 · Feb 17th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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It's...Alright, I guess. Don't get me wrong, it's a great story idea (Reminds me a bit of something from greek myth) and has some great moments, but it seems sorta rushed at some parts.

I'm not saying it's bad, but it feels like it was almost something better.

Thunderbird Resurrection