I want to share a little story... (May post bio later...)
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What if there was another pony who joined the pony gang? An actual male who at first seemed worthless? Will his actions, even presence, affect the choices and outcomes of the pony gang? Will different relationships form? That's for him to find out...
(Remake of the FIM series)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow that's a lot of character tags.
Tag overkill. I have no idea how that got past moderation. Sure, Mayor Mare might appear once or twice, but is the story ABOUT her? If not, remove her from the tags. Same for all the other tags. Which pretty much narrows it down to OC and Mane 6.
Ho-ho there, lover boy! You have a town's worth of tags there!
824135
The tags were overkill because this fic was made before the tag limit was put in place. Look at the date of the first chapter: It dates back all the way to January.
CHARACTER TAG HAX
lol i bet you just kept this with a password for a long time
824135
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133354236034.jpg
824245
Funny enough this story is in the Newest Stories section, the author must have pulled back his story to edit it.
You know, my fic here, Shisno Chronicles: Friendship is Magic, works the same way, although my character is accompanying the main character. Regrettably, I think he's cooler than your character, although like with every character he has his flaws.
Haha funny story actually, This is the first time in posting this site. Sorry if I offended you with the "tag overkill". I'll take those off once I have the chance. And this is considered new because I had this up for a long time but I didn't know I had to submit until Yesterday. Stupid, I know.
>> nightelf37
Honestly, I think that comment is highly unnecessary... But I don't know the norms here so...
You sir....I love you this is excellent and brilliant and any other word that means good in any language BECAUSE IT'S THAT GOOD!
825772
Haha, thanks. I'll post more chapters for you.
826865
"and she contained wings on her body"
*record scratch*
"contained wings on her body"
..wait a second
"contained"
827469
Huh?
"contained" = "had"?
Is there something I'm not seeing?
825059
Apologies for that.
Good to finally see it up, man!
-JLWafflezBrony
Now that you've submitted this to the site so we can see it, will this one be keeping up with you fanfiction one or will the aforementioned versions still be the primary?
834353
Uh-huh... I wasn't stating that contained exactly meant "had", but I was just making it simple... Um...yeah...
834843
For now, the one here may be behind the other one, but I'll try catching up. I'm not sure if this site has lines like fanfiction does. Those lines that I use to separate parts in a chapter? Unless I have to make them myself.
You know what you should do. You should write your own character an episode. Where he learns something about friendship and the others have to help him or something. Just a story where your character is more central and less of an 'observer'.
841305
I understand. It depends on how you see a central episode. So far, there may be none that you're looking for, but as I upload the rest of the chapters, you'll see. So far, I'm uploading what's already written. I'm pretty far right now, but right now I'm trying to catch up on here.
Oh hey look! Self insertion! Well look on the bright-side YOU MADE YOUR GODDAM SELF-INSERTION CANNON. CONGRATULATIONS. THAT IS SAD.
841362
I don't understand. What exactly are you trying to prove?
841396 I'm trying to prove that this is sad. And that you're sad for writing this.
841409
I'm sorry. What I find more sad is that you wasted more of your time trying to piss me off when I really don't care. If you don't like something, don't read it. Simple as that.
841418 And while you're right about that. That still doesn't excuse the fact that you:
A: Took a perfectly decent story in-it-of-itself of a group of happy-go-lucky ponies
B: Reproduced it nearly word-for-goddam word
C: Added a mary sue in boy form
D: Pasted this all together and thought "hey this makes for a good story!"
And while your grammar, sentence structure, and story telling are moderate in the least and CAN AND SHOULD BE good and worked on to be better
This is in all honesty: A BAD STORY CONCEPT. It's the elements of: Laughter, Honesty, Loyalty, Magic, Generosity, Kindness, AND DEPRESSION
This is like adding a tumor to an otherwise healthy person. And while it isn't a bad story. It's a bad concept. Which, to simplfy it: MAKES A BAD STORY.
So in words of someone less famous: "Polish a turd, it's still a turd"
My advise: Scrap it and use your talents for something better.
Your doing a great job putting in a new charcter to the show without changing too much about the show itslef
but remeber to make alex a bit more talkative,
841451
*sigh* You see... you're one of those readers that are so uptight about the "rules of writing". You obviously don't read for the entertainment. Or you do, but you don't bother actually reading it. You're like a drunk person who keeps yelling and complaining about how he can't get inside a party because they're are bodyguards or a stern fence around the house. In order to get past that fence, you have to quit drinking so ignorantly and actually think outside the box for once. I have a feeling that you won't get my metaphor...but anyway... This story is not some "random self-insert". And... *chuckles a little* well... you obviously don't look within the words, only what's presented outside. That's actually one of the messages I'm bringing up with the story...but I know you won't bother looking for them. Just to let you know, I take this story very seriously and I feel very strongly about it. My advice would be as simple as "Don't judge a book by it's cover", literally. One last thing. I can greatly tell that you don't care why Alex is like that. You just don't like how he is and it's plain as that.
841494 Well, (and I'm sorry to tell you this) there are "rules of writing". Writing is about sorting through your cluttered conscious and searching for that beat that drives you forward and propels you to be who you are. The beat that drives you to commit to the decisions you commit to. And to be honest, I don't really care if I'm a drunk person, I'm just tired of seeing the same types of stories every single time. The carbon-copied sad protagonist with the carbon-copied mane six who all bend over backwards to help him for no apparent reason and the carbon copied affliction plaguing him (a.e tragedy)
And at some point in time, rules of writing come into play when the masses keep churning out one story after another with the same underlying premise.
But see, you did something different. You took the episodes, and word for word, wrote them down with the add-in of your character, Alex who has no correlation to your username WHATSOEVER. Which leaves you to write about your main character right? No! From what I draw, he's just a pale ghost in the works of an otherwise perfect story. So, while you've left yourself open to write about YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHARACTER without the need to fill in the roles of side-characters, antagonists, characters serving as plot devices and so on. But even then he's not much.
It's like writing a backstory who only appears in one episode whom nobody cares about and only works well in ONE. And you're right. I didn't read that far into this fiction because, in all honesty, I came into this fic with zero bias. None at all and I wanted to see if it was good or not. And it turns out, that in fact it's not because it's simply a re-write. And it was your job to make me look between the lines. It was your job to make me, as a reader, interested and invested in your fic. And while this is just going past the border, to some extent I'm disappointed because instead of taking a look back at your work to see what I was complaining about, you instantly resort to a comment to try and make me back off.
And never mess with a man who has too much free-time on his hands.
841567
Haha...Wow... Is all I can say... You've made so many contradictions right there. You prove my point exactly. I mean...based on what you're saying... you either just skimmed through whatever you read, you didn't read at all, or you really don't know how to read. I'm sitting here, reading through your reply and I'm just like... Are you serious? You're supplying so many contradictions that you're actually confusing me. For one, you present your first comment as a spoiled child, who seems to be too mad that he can't reach the bottle on the counter, especially calling me "sad" for writing this story. Yet, now you're presenting yourself as if you're some deep writer when you're just an arrogant, not to mention ignorant as well, maybe even naive, person who, as you said, "has too much free time". If you wanted me to respect your "pointed flaws" more, then you wouldn't have been such a fool to come out so aggressively and instead act as a mature adult. You only lose respect when you purposely flame a story instead of providing some flaws along with support, just as you lost mine. And I don't "look back at my work" for the same reason. Why should I waste my time, looking for these "certain" flaws that you "supposedly" found out, when you're not even providing support for it? Here's one thing. If you want people to take you seriously, stop presenting yourself as some child who purposely tries to piss people off and instead politely criticize. There is a difference between constructive criticism and full-out flaming. If you keep at what you're doing right now, people are just not going to care about you and your bad mouth, just like me.
841602
Well I was doing it half parts comedy half parts "get it through your head" because I'm not so sure you've noticed, but polite commenting? That's what people have been doing all along. Does it staunch the flow HiEs? No. Does it make the authors seriously think and read aloud their fics before submitting barely coherent walls of texts? No. And there's a reason. If someone's not chastise as they are rewarded, then they will only expect softened criticisms. They will not have any standard except the one they hold to themselves. And through my various interactions with, oh, you know, humans beings? That it helps someone if there are other goals other the ones they hold to themselves to guide them. It serves as a standard to help them. For one to rise above themselves, they must first have someone else to beat them down.
So I will rationally explain to you only one more time what my irk is.
You are a good author with a bad idea
841619
It certainly doesn't help with what your doing right now. And that's not what I meant by polite "commenting". I meant that if you have a flaw to point out, don't just flame someone and bring it unsupported. If you wanted me to actually listen to your "flaws" then you should have maturely brought it up and support it, such as textual support. Otherwise, I'm just going to take it as a random assumption. If you would have done that in the first place, then this situation could have been handled much simpler. I would have taken your "flaws" into consideration and possible even try to reason with you and explain something out if you misunderstood it. But it seems it's too late for that now, isn't it?
841648 Alright then, let's say that this doesn't have a flaw at all. Which it doesn't mind you. Let's say this is all well and dandy, a quaint little story.
Now here's my hypothetical question, what have you done to draw the reader in? What have you done with your writing that draws the reader and immerses them in your world of fiction that leaves them breathless and wanting for more? What have you done that makes your characters really pop out at the viewer? What draws the user to your characters? Is is their quirks? Their personality disorders? Is it what they don't say in a normal conversation that labels them a tad odd but still likable? Because in your story you have a single character that doesn't really do anything. He's a simple background character who happens to be in the exact right place at the exact right time. And you can't just tell me to "read between the lines" and expect me to comply when there's nothing to compel me to do so. Half the time the character doesn't even show up and it's just like reading the script to the show, and the other half the time he's just there for verbs, a.e he runs, he walks, he accompanies.
Wanna know what flaw of this story is?
It's boring. And that's why I said it's sad.
841684
*sigh* You know you're just answering your own questions right? But if I really need to answer them for you like a child, then so be it. I'll try to make it as simple as possible, which means I won't include the more in depth personal statements of why I did what I did (because you probably won't listen anyway).
Q: What have you done to draw the reader in?
A: I included an OC that seems to differ from any other usual pony in the show and present it in his own point of view, also offering possible different outcomes or relationships that might have changed due to his inclusion.
Q: What have you done with your writing that draws the reader and immerses them in your world of fiction that leaves them breathless and wanting for more?
A: I've began this story with a setting that is vague to readers about Alex. I do not merely state his past right there in the beginning, nor do I include why he is there in the first place. That is for the reader to find out on his/her own (by reading on).
Q: What have you done that makes your characters really pop out at the viewer?
A: Well the other characters are usually the same in the show of course. But what makes Alex pop out at the viewer? He's obviously depressed for a strong reason. He doesn't smile. He's usually quiet (also for a reason). And he definitely doesn't act like any other pony (again, for a reason). Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn't make him stand out.
Q: What draws the user to your characters? Is is their quirks? Their personality disorders? Is it what they don't say in a normal conversation that labels them a tad odd but still likable?
A: Well observe the personality of Alex. Don't you think some other people have possibly gone through what he has? (In his past I mean.) Several people can relate to him because they've gone through similar experiences as him as well. I mean really... all these things are quite obvious...
Is it just me? Or did it look like you copied all these questions from some literature site that's supposed to guide writers into making an attractive story? If you really think all this is boring... then I don't know what to say... Maybe you're more biased towards upbeat and "hand you all the answers" stories.
841819
Sorry. But when someone comes up and calls my story pitiful. I'm going to be offended and not take their advice seriously. He should really look up someone called Aristotle and maybe learn a thing or two from him. And okay. You two have different tastes in stories. And Alex doesn't "brood" and "moan". *sigh* I don't know why you two keep saying it's a "carbon-copy" or whatever, but I wrote this with heart. This is basically like the situation where people don't see why men watch MLP. You have to give it a chance. If you only read the first few lines then...it's not really going to do anything. If you actually read it and still don't like it? Then fine. But don't flame the story like an idiot like he did. In conclusion, I don't know how to implant the message I'm trying to send. The only way for you to receive it is to find out for yourself but... I don't even know what to say anymore.
841756 You know I'm having serious trouble processing your lemming like diligence.
Q: What have you done to draw the reader in
A: spolier alert; EVERYBODY HAS A DIFFERENT OC THAT ACTS DIFFERENT FROM PONIES IN THE SHOW. And I have a question, have you ever been truly depressed? Depression isn't about being all "no smiles and emo" Depression means that people are really good actors when it comes to social activities, that they go out of their way to appear the opposite of what they're feeling. What your character is, is simply grumpy.
Q: What have you done with your writing that draws the reader and immerses them in your world of fiction that leaves them breathless and wanting for more?
A: Please, you have written a word for word reproduction of the script of MLP. Leaving vague trails of your O.C doesn't interest or immerse the reader, they just pass him off like background character.
Q: What have you done that makes your characters really pop out at the viewer?
A: Let me look you in the eye and tell you he's a carbon-copy cut out of almost everybody who's ever become an OC
I know I missed a question, but almost EVERYONE can relate to a character no matter how idiotic/brainless/cocky/brash/evil. It is the nature of humanity to sway as easily as a tree does in a Category 6 or higher storm.
And hell, tell me this, would YOU like to read a story about some depressed ne'er-do-well in a story filled with happy endearing ponies? And you know, you're right, maybe I am copy-pasting this from a literature site. But the reason SAID literature site exists, is because countless people have fallen into the same pit time and time again. As for your "hands you all the answers" qualm, I answer you with this: have you ever heard of the breadcrumb theory?
Don't worry if you haven't. I just came up with the name for the nebulous feeling.
It's when you give up a vital piece of your OC for the readers to know. Just to make him a bit less mysterious and out of reach. Of course I don't know if you've done this because I got bored to death after the first six chapters.
P.S- this is fun.
841851
Are you kidding me? Are you being serious? Because I can almost not believe that you are actually telling me this. Sure, people use depression to get attention, but...wow... you obviously haven't been under depression and I have a feeling that you've possibly made fun of those who have. If you've never been under depression before then shut your mouth and quit acting like it's some kind of joke because it isn't. And about your carbon cut? Okay. Give me a list of OC's that are like him and give me specific reasons and details why this is so. I'm not going to even comment on the rest of your questions because this is all a game to you. Seriously, you're not going to listen. You're just going to feed off of the enjoyment you're receiving from this. You think you're such a great author? Authors take things seriously, not throw every piece of literary device and twist them around to make them sound like it's logical.
841877
Like I said, I would have more than likely listened if he would of handled it like a mature adult. Obviously, he wants to be a kid and "troll" me. Do you really want to take advice from someone who presents them as an arrogant child? I know I don't. I'm totally open to listen to suggestions and criticism, but not when someone rolls it up in a spit wad and throws it to you. He's treating all this like a game and joke, which is even draining his credibility even more. If he wants me to listen then he's obviously making everything worse. It may sound like I'm "full of pride" but I'm just standing up for what I believe in.
841883 You know, the easiest way to get out of depression is if you stop wallowing in your goddam grief. Depression is a hatred for everything, that includes a hatred. And don't you dare tell me about Depression. I have struggled with it 4 years running now and everyday's a challenge were I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder what the hell I've become. And don't you dare tell me what depression is and isn't. As per the list of depressed and un-interesting O.C's
The portal guy from LTD (I can't remember his name) he pops into Equestria with a dark history NOBODY knows about and is spent most of the time wallowing in his own self-pit and crying on the shoulders of Fluttershy as she bandages his sorry ass.
Nightshade-Flyte: LITERALLY COMES FROM FUCKING NOWHERE OVERPOWERED AS A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A SORRY ASS ATITUDE and crying about his dead mother and he is one whiny sorry son of a bitch.
The Human from My Little Dashie: A blank slate of sadness that would melt into the ever-growiing masses of the world's people un-content with their lives.
Cloudy Skies: A random ass O.C with (granted) some personality quirks who nicely ties into the whole plot as a whole yet at first glance is only a back-sided measly character.
These are all the characters I remember off the top of my head.
And another thing? I don't talk about this much, but for those all "suffering" from depression: I recently (about a month or so back) nearly OD'd on painkillers just to get away from the daily grind and pain of my life. It would have been so easy too if someone hadn't found me. And even though I can't remember their names, I thank them everyday. And I try to make light of my situation because comedy and laughter IS THE BEST MEDICINE for everything. Especially phycological afflictions.
841921
Okay... so you're telling me a method on how to remove depression...yet... you claim you're still living with it? That doesn't seem to make much sense. Now you make yourself look credible of knowing what depression is...but yet you continue to mock it. About your list. Sure, they've all been under some sort of depression, but I want to know how it specifically relates in every way to Alex. I'm not just talking about his depression. I mean everything. *sigh* You know what... I think I'm done talking. I'm about fed up with this and I'm tired of trying to at least show you my perception on this matter...but you're just blocking everything I say with your own words...
841924
Forget it. I'm tired of this already.
841451 Okay... Before I join the comment war, let me just say this, how old are you?
841451 Okay... Before I join the comment war, let me just say this, how old are you?841935 Same for you.
842067 Jesus, dude! That's awesome! Have you ever got hit in the knee with an aluminum baseball bat then hung by the ears by a tree?
842076 Okay... So... Go outside, and you see that black car outside? Just sitting there?
842058 oddly enough 15. And I say I've been depressed for a long time because I have, and I know that my adult life is going to consist of nothing but unfounded hate to the driving forces of our society. To the Dogma that so-plauges a country and reduces its youth to nothing more than slack-jawed trend-setters fawning over the latest star and or scandal.
I don't care what anyone says, the scariest thing is seeing the future that everyone before you has set up, and being sent (against your will) headfirst into said future.
And don't bother with the comment war, we're done.
I have an opinion and I'm disagreeing with all of you!!!
842088 Actually, you DO see a car... You're just too scared to approach it... Go outside and go to the car...
842088 Actually, you DO see a car... You're just too scared to approach it... Go outside and go to the car... 842086 Okay... So you're depressed... Have you ever slit your wrists before?