Episode 1 – Mare in the Moon
All the laughter… all the cold shoulders… what's the point? I don't ever want to be with any pony ever again… not if the same conclusion will occur every time…
I awoke from a deep slumber… gosh… I slept like… almost all day… not to mention about that strange dream I had… something about… elements of harmony… Anyway, I guess I better get ready for that "special event"… what was it again…? Ah… I forgot… oh well… it's not worth remembering… then again… what is?
I brushed the blankets off my body and rose out of bed. I shook my mane and then made my bed. I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I stared at my blue eyes alone with my dark blue body. However… the dark blue was light as well… I then continued at my ruffled mane. The hair above my head halted a few inches over my forehead as my tail stopped a little below my knees.
I decided to take a rinse if I shall show respect to Princess Celestia. I entered the shower and scrubbed my hair and body, passing through my mark that presented a wolf.
I walked out of the shower and shook my mane again, spraying drops of water everywhere. I walked to the front of my door and thought for a minute.
Well here you go Alex… just walk outside… everything will be alright… you're tough… you're pure-hearted… you'll make it through this… just don't pay attention to anyone… you've got this. I took several deep breaths, opened the door, and walked outside, shutting the door behind me.
Despite the atmosphere in my home, it was really sunny outside. Every pony was walking, sprinting, even rushing for the special event Princess Celestia would be hosting. I had just woken up… so I guess I could get myself something to eat…
I walked over to the apple acres, but along the way, something pink flew as fast as lighting right by me. I looked back to see what it was, but it was gone. I shrugged and continued walking to my destination.
When I arrived, I saw a pony with the color of an orange… despite the fact that she had a cutie mark with a triplet of apples on her left leg. She also had three freckles on each side of her cheeks and a long blonde mane which was tied at the end, including her tail. Lastly, she wore an old western, farm girl, cowboy hat. I walked up to her as she continued kicking the trees for the apples to fall into a bucket near her.
"Excuse me?" I asked as I approached her.
She heard my voice and turned around, revealing her lime green eyes as well as a smile.
"Well howdy there, partner. What can I do for ya?" She replied in a cheerful and warming voice.
"I would like an apple, please."
"Of course!" She kicked the bucket which led to a flying apple shooting out of the bucket and on to her head. She bounced the apple off her head and it landed on the back of my mane.
I was impressed by her amazing skill.
"Thanks. How much is that, miss?" I questioned.
She seemed surprised by my choice of words, which showed my respect and express of gentleman-like words.
"No worries about that, partner! It's on the house!" She revealed another smile, but this time with her teeth and closed eyes.
"Really? That's nice… thank you." I replied.
"No problem! Have a good one, ya hear?"
"Thanks. You too." I walked out and headed back in town.
As I walked, I chewed the apple in mouth, noticing a light blue pony with the mane and tail of a rainbow color lying lazily on a cloud. Strange… why does that color seem so familiar?
I arrived back at town, noticing a violet pony rush out of a beauty shop along with a baby dragon of the same color as her. I noticed every pony was rushing today for some reason. Most likely the special event…
After a few seconds when the purple pony disappeared, another pony of a white, with a little tint of blue, color opened the door slightly and looked out. She had a horn on her head and the top of her eyes were touched by light blue makeup. Her eyes were blue while her mane was purple and properly taken care of. She contained three diamonds on her right leg. She continued looking out with a worried expression on her face.
"Oh… where ever did she go? I was really going to be generous enough to help her look FABULOUS for the princess…" She sighed and walked back in the shop.
I continued walking throughout the town. There was still a long time until the event started… maybe I could just go back home and sleep some more… I walked gloomy back to my house, even hearing sounds of loud music from another house in town, and walked through the front door. When I shut the door behind me, darkness engulfed the area. Only the sound of silence greeted me home as I walked up the stairs to my bed. I lay myself down and closed my eyes. I couldn't really sleep… but I just lay there with my eyes open… struggling with the hatchet that never wants to stay in the ground…
It was nighttime… but at the point where the sun was going to rise in a while… I lazily sat up and yawned. I jumped off the bed and made it just like earlier today. I walked outside my home and over to where the special event was to take place. I had arrived in time to see a large amount of ponies gathered below the balcony. There was another pony… she was directing the birds' song…
She had a warm yellow color… the color of a beautiful sunrise… She also had a pink mane and tail, as well as three butterflies as her cutie mark on her left leg. Her face contained sweet, innocent eyes with the color of light blue and she contained wings on her body. As I saw her motion the birds with her legs, something different stirred in me as I stared at her in awe.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor in ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the summer sun celebration!" The mayor announced.
Every pony cheered at this point.
"In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise and celebrate this, the longest day of the year, and now… it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony that gives us the sun and the moon, each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria, Princess Celestia!"
The curtains opened… only to reveal darkness on an empty spotlight. Every pony gasped and began whispering.
"Remain calm, every pony. There must be a reasonable explanation…" The mayor explained.
However, I knew that something was wrong…
Suddenly, a pink pony, most likely the one I saw earlier, began jumping and saying excitedly, "Ooh! Ooh! I love guessing games! Is she hiding?" She looked around, clueless.
A pony came out of the area where the curtains stood and announced horridly, "She's gone!" I noticed it was the same pony from the beauty shop.
Every pony then immediately gasped.
As expected, the pink pony cried out, "Ooooh… she's GOOOD!" Despite the cheerfulness in her voice, she screamed immediately when a mist of darkness appeared on the balcony.
A large and dark pony appeared in the dark mist, having the same color of nightfall. She looked over us and spoke.
"Oh. My beloved subjects, it's been so long since I've seen your oh so precious sun loving faces…"
"What did you do with our princess?" A pony cried out. It was the pony with the rainbow hair that I had seen earlier as well on the cloud. She tried to charge at the night pony but was held back by the same pony that gave me the apple.
The dark pony laughed and said, "Why? Am I not royal enough for you?" Her tone immediately shifted. "Don't you know who I am?"
The pink pony again said, "Ooh. Ooh! More guessing games! Ummmm… HOKEY SMOKES! How bout QUEEN MINNIE? No. BLACK SNOOTY! BLACK SNOO- "The pony who gave me the apple stuffed her mouth with apples.
"Does my crown no longer count as I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?" She stated as she frightened the sweet innocent pony who directed the birds.
Her eyes shifted to the pony from the beauty shop and continued her speech. "Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?"
However, her speech was interrupted by the same purple pony I saw escaping from the beauty shop, "I did! And I know who you are! You're the mare of the moon! Nightmare Moon!"
Every pony gasped again.
"Well well well!" Nightmare Moon said. "Some pony who remembers me! Then you also know why I am here!"
The purple pony spoke, "You're here to…" She hesitated. "to…" She gulped.
Nightmare Moon laughed once again and announced, "Remember this day little ponies, for it is your last… from this moment forth… the night will last FOREVER!" She laughed manically after, as shots of thunder boomed and lightning flashed above her.
I stood in disbelief. What was going to happen? Night forever? Wait… I've seen this in my dream today… does it mean… does it mean… it was… real…?
To be continued…
"and she contained wings on her body"
*record scratch*
"contained wings on her body"
..wait a second
"contained"
After reading the comments, I decided to give this a read, to see if Mr. Ignorable was accurate, or just being a douchebag.
Spoiler alert: he was accurate.
First thing I noticed is that you overuse ellipses. 14 in one paragraph is overkill.
Next, why is he worried about showing respect to Princess Celestia if he can't even remember what event he's supposed to go to? For all he knows, Princess Celestia won't even be there.
It's "Fillies and gentlecolts", not "Phillies and gentlecourts".
One thing I noticed you have a habit of doing is using words that are technically right, but people would never actually use in that context. A couple of examples: using contained in the sentence "and she contained wings on her body". Now, I understand you meant she had wings, but you'd never say that you contain hands. Another example is triplet in "she had a cutie mark with a triplet of apples on her left leg". Yes, triplet does indicate 3 of something, but I've never heard anyone say they have a triplet of bananas, they just say they have three bananas.
As for the points Ignorable made, I think they're pretty valid. You did prettymuch just use dialogue and events from the show, and you didn't even get all the dialogue right (like I pointed out earlier). That's not the most original idea, especially with your OC.
As for your OC, he's a little Mary Sueish. I've seen much worse, but you have created a character who is somehow involved in every single episode and becomes friends with the mane cast (I'm assuming, I've only read the first chapter). Plus there's a romance tag, so I'm assuming he'll be shipped with one of the mane cast. The wolf cutie mark is also kind of Sueish.
I've only read the first chapter/episode, but I'll probably read more tomorrow after work.
Wow.... that was... pretty boring of a read.
I'm two paragraphs in and already I'm seeing word tense issues. Not a good sign buddy.
gifninja.com/animatedgifs/144270/a.gif
That
Was
Horrid.
BETTER IN THE NEXT CHAPTERS? PEASE?
Okay The biggest Issue here Is that you only had one paragraph That even touched Him being antisocial And it comes across more than he has a phobia of other ponies rather than not good at it.
Then you immediately get rid of this phobia I by having him able to speak normally to AJ.
Having a paragraph where he at least congratulated himself On being able to get through a conversation with applejack Similar to how fluttershy would do the same thing Would have helped.
Because of this it comes off as a bed fanfiction right from the start And you can't see any of the good That shows later on.
If you did redo this chapter, It was done pretty bad. I would suggest it completely rewrite So that you can at least get others to continue reading As it seems the only reason I would Was because I hoped it would get better as it went along Which skill wise it did.
Uh.... I aint likin to point out mistakes and there are quite a few but to be honest I liked it. I decided to give this story a go! To the next chapter!
Hmm. I'm intrigued. Any pony that has an appreciation for Fluttershy is a good pony in MY book.
That's not the name of a pony. Conclusion, he's a human. Also, you don't reallly needto describe the Main 6
why is there no alternate universe tag?
The first two things I noticed were the tense issues, and the overuse of "I". That was probably why reading was so boring. I got through about five paragraphs when my "I want to re-write this" sense kicked in. It's probably good, but it does need some work to make it more 'mechanically sound'.
Not bad...
I like it
I hate emo characters That ruined it for me
Main character has a Human name. This is a BIG turn off for me. That and there are spelling errors all over the place. I'll continue on, but that's two strikes already.
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Doughnut Joe...
So, to all new readers, for your own safety, don't read the comments on this chapter. They are cancer.
Have a nice eternal night everypony.
This story is one of the few reasons responsible for me getting back into the fandom and I'm here for a reread of the century. Hope all is well my buddy.
Hmmm. You have my attention.
Ah, yes, I remember now. This is the story of ellipses. Fun.
Kidding, I still enjoyed it the last time I tried to read it, I think, and I will likely enjoy it this time around as well.
Um. Perhaps because it is similar to the color of the sky, maybe? Unless you are talking about the rainbow coloring of her tail and mane, in which case, Alex, I am going to have to regretfully inform you that rainbow is not a color.
Wait, I don’t remember that phrase in this story! In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing that phrase! Was this chapter rewritten at some point?
Sixty-four instances of ellipses in this one chapter, not counting instances outside of the chapter itself- such as comments and buttons. This is absolutely amazing for this short of a chapter, and slightly disturbing. Though, if I remember correctly, I truly should simply push past the ellipsocracy and enjoy the improvements as they come.
Saw this over in Poniverse.
Remember that nobles, especially royalty often have a poetic but meaningless title or 2.
Assuming that one of Luna's means "endless night" or "darkness everlasting", some such.
Look at Twilight's cutie mark.
Remember that a great many escaped that night, including Luna.
Obviously, the "she" means Twilight and saying she "brought about night everlasting" is poetic but accurate.