Forbidden magic is only forbidden when somebody explicitly forbids you to do it. This does not preclude possible consequences from engaging in poor magic practices.
Twilight Sparkle gets distracted in the middle of dabbling in questionable magics and things go downhill from there.
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"room as she as she crumpled"
as she as she, you doubled something.
also:
"said the Twilight Sparkle"
I think the "the" isn´t supposed to be there. could be just me.
the chapter overall isn´t bad, just the ending ... I think its a bit ... meta? seriously, the whole explanation twilight gives about sweetie belle´s skull not being broken is right in the way of how comedy works normally(i think), but it feels way to off coming up in the story itself. If you would rewrite it it would make the storry so much better. And one last thing, I don´t think twilight would use the word "stuff", just erase it and do some mayor editing at the ending and you´re good to go.
1279162
Thank you! I fixed the errors, and made a couple of tweaks to the story based on your other comments (specifically the meta discussion at the end). I left in the part about predestination, but I agree that the discussion of cartoon physics seemed a bit off in retrospect.
1279932
weeeee! way better. I have no problem with helping people, ponies or other random creatures running around in circles. just keep as far away from meta as possibile and you will have a promising story.
I definately liked the part of "questioning existence or free will" and whatnot. Excellent read!
This is satire done right.
Oh Twilight, making monsters you can't control. Have you learned nothing from Marey Shelly's novel Frankenpony
.
Anyway, great chapter, really liked it, I enjoyed your portrayal of Rarity.
1314538
Thank you! I was looking forward to the part where Rarity joined. Of all the pony personalities, I think that hers is probably the most fun to write.
I had originally planned to wrap up this story in three chapters, but another pony just muscled her way into the story midway through chapter three
so it looks like this one will be going to four.
Apple Bloom's little bit of speech at the end was funny
And that's a wrap - sort of. The story is done, but the final chapter ended up growing to nearly the size of the first three chapters combined. At the suggestion of my editor, I cut the final chapter at a logical break point, and will post the final final chapter on Monday.
I'm loving the story, looking forward to the next chapter!
1358342
I had a lot of fun writing this one. I feel a tiny smidgen of guilt over how I portrayed some of the characters, but I tend to only parody the things I like.
Don't worry Twilight, Pinkie has this in the bag.
1368369
Pinkie Pie wasn't in my original draft, and I was reluctant to include her because it is hard to parody a pony who is already a parody of ponies, but she muscled her way into the plot. Pinkie Pie will not be denied.
the whole Celestia part: No, she wouldn´t act like that at all, but somehow, it was funny.
for pinky: well .. she WOULD that. that. With the cake, I mean.
the whole thing with the razor: dafuq have you taken to get to such an Idea? take less of it.
and finally, the whole thing together: chapter 3 was pretty much a fall-back to your meta wich I recommendet not to do in the 1st chapter ... but at least you did something better than you did in the beggining. the whole diskussion about the imporetance and such stuff was quite entertaining.
It was a good story after all, maybe verry much OoC, but it was funny at least 50% of the time, wich is good. maybe try less meta next story, or get better at meta. a story with good meta would be "shipping and handling", one of my most favorite stories btw. used the word "meta" quite often in this comment, should stop using "meta" in comments for a while. Meta
Let me guess something like this happens once a day, or week if Twilight get carried away with reading.
1370016
Thank you! I appreciate the feedback, and I am going to go back and re-read the story again with your comments in mind. I probably won't change too much at this point, but this is helpful comment for my next story.
Your comments on chapter 3 are fair, and I admit that it gave me the most trouble of all the chapters that I wrote. It was a bridge between acts, and felt like filler even as I was writing it. If it strayed into the meta, it's because I lost focus a bit while looking ahead. My editor was merciless about cutting some meta material out of my story, so between your comments here and her scalpel work, I can see that I have some room for improvement.
I appreciate your remarks on Celestia too. Even though this was parody, I was trying to keep the character voices as close as I could to the original. I fear that I may have treated her too much like a prop rather than a character.
Thanks again. I appreciate the criticism, and you have given me some food for thought.
I loved it. That Celestia and Twilight are modifying their memories on a weekly basis to prevent them all from having a complete breakdown, while simultaneously proving the entire 'Ponies in this town are CRAZY'. Something of a recursive loop, but it works.
Trollestia/Light at their finest. The 'cutting' bit was a bit out, but otherwise, quality sarcasm.
1370092
as I said once before : " I have no problem with helping people, ponies or other random creatures running around in circles." and as I´m already on the quoting train, "may the odds be ever in your favour"
I wish you much luck and less *insert overused word here* for the future, and never let yourself down.
on a last note, here, have a cookie.
and I´m just the guy thast shoots cookies at people - faurana
okay, this was wired, but totally the funniest thing i read in a long time. good work!
Funny!!
So... much... satire....
Ohhhh boy. You know what time it is? Yeah you do.
Review Time!
Alright. I like to get errors out of the way first. Thankfully your story has very few of them. In fact, I literally didn't notice any (but note that I wasn't exactly scrutinizing in an attempt to find them. There may have been some, but none that really stood out). That alone gets you bonus marks. Wow.
I actually absolutely loved this. There's not a whole lot of fics that have actually made me laugh out loud, but this totally did it. Your sense of humour is either universally appealing or identical to mine. Lines like this:
were abundant and hilarious. The random components of the fic were perfectly placed and executed.
Also, your (mis)characterizations were wonderful. Portraying Rarity as passively racist like some sort of rich woman from the 50's was a great idea. Offensive, but very funny. Also her slightly-sadistic demeanour was fun. There's not a whole lot that I can say about what you've done with her character in general, because it's comedy. It's hard to say just what makes it funny. The juxtaposition of the "deceivingly intelligent" Rarity that is a staple of the fandom alongside the somewhat airheaded Rarity (“I chipped a hoof! The horror!”) that is more common in canon material is jarring, but we like that. It's perfect for a random fic. Same goes for Twilight - she walks the line between canonically optimistic and randomly sarcastic.
Overall, I'm drawing blanks as to what could be improved upon. Perhaps, for a story like this, you've added a bit too much analytical prose, explaining things to us like how "Rarity's father told her that she could sell dirt to an earth pony if she put her mind to it". That sort of thing might not be necessary for a random fic. It's sort of irrelevant. But really, you shouldn't worry about this, because those drier parts of the story also serve as a bit of a breather for the reader, and so they have a practical function in a way.
I don't know why you wanted a review for this (other than to pat your ego
) but I'm glad you asked for one, as I thoroughly enjoyed it. Final score is 9.5/10. Congrats, and as always, keep writing!
-ReasonandRhyme
All of my yes. That is all. You have a pretty sweet talent for this, y'know.
I nominate this Metaphor of the Year 2013.
Hah, this is awesome :D
This story is delicious!
I recall Twilight promising Spike that he could eat the golem if things went wrong. I wonder if it has any bite marks on it yet.
Majorly entertaining. I was temporarily confused over the golem's appearance because I recently started reading sPxHoLEic ~ A Great and Powerful Friendship (don't worry, everyone's baffled by that title, even the author).
Had that not been a British-ism, it would have been perhaps the stealthiest fourth wall joke I've ever seen. If you don't feel that editing a few letters in an old fic is going too far, then replacing the 'se' with 'ss' would get you an award-winning joke. I will present the award myself. It's an imaginary cookie.
1370016
I don't know if you are still active on this site, but I just wanted to say thanks again for the constructive criticism. Over the past couple of weeks I have been busy moving the story over to AO3. In reading the story again for the first time in some years, I could finally see many of the issues you'd raised here. As a result, the version over there is a very different animal from the one on this archive, and I credit your comments here for much of that.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/20597990
lul
rariti don't care about their insignia. She sews dresses, not digs jewelry. He could also tell the foal