//------------------------------// // Dear Princess Celestia // Story: My Little Golem // by Plonq //------------------------------// “Oh! This is awful, simply awful!” wailed Rarity. Even as she uttered those words, a makeshift patch from City Hall's previous ravages peeled away and crumbled to the ground in a rainbow-coloured cloud of dust. Fat tears welled up in her eyes as she regained her feet and shook debris out of her ruffled coat. The mare’s lament could have applied to almost anything that had happened so far that day, so Twilight Sparkle took a shot in the dark. “Don’t pay any attention to Apple Bloom's nihilistic ramblings, Rarity. She’s just a confused little filly!” she said. “Ramblings? What ramblings?” cried the other unicorn. “I’m talking about my coiffure! I spent all day in the parlour yesterday and now just look at it. No, I mean don’t look at it!” She raised her right foreleg to brush a splinter of wood out of her mane and gasped between tears. “I chipped a hoof! I can’t be seen out in the town looking like this!” The mare reared around and began galloping through the debris field back toward her boutique. “Rarity, wait,” called Twilight Sparkle. She half turned to follow the mare, but on her other side she heard Apple Bloom talking again. “…and that’s why all truth is malleable.” The young filly had accosted a confused stallion and was shouting earnestly in his face. “But surely consensus reveals the preferred truth,” countered the stallion. “All things are subject to interpretation,” retorted Apple Bloom. She had grabbed the poor pony on either side of his muzzle and was boring into his eyes with the fanatical passion of her gaze. “Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.” “She’s got a point there, Twilight,” said Spike, who had wandered up to stand by the mare’s left flank. He took a step back again when he noticed that the mare was panting through bared teeth, and her eyes had taken on a slightly wild look that usually spelled danger. “Spike, good,” she said with an unnerving calm. “Take down some notes while I assess this situation. Apple Bloom is spreading dangerous philosophical dissension, Rarity is freaking out over trivial things - well, that's normal at least - and Rainbow Dash just broke every window in Ponyville.” There was a metallic rending sound as the freshly-enraged golem tore the metal bow off a recently completed interpretive art piece in the town square. “And there goes Leon Trot’s Key,” added Twilight Sparkle. She graced Spike with a wild-eyed smile that was anything but reassuring. “This is bad, really bad, but I think I have the inklings of a plan to salvage some good out of this.” Spike was not shy about voicing his dissenting opinion. “I dunno Twilight,” he said. The little dragon had quietly moved to place the larger pony between himself and the golem. “From my angle down here, I’d say we’re pretty screwed.” “That’s the voice of defeatism, Spike,” said the unicorn with a reproachful tone, "but sometimes I forget that you're a baby dragon, and you lack the maturity to see the bigger picture." Her horn flared mauve and a nearby flower pot righted itself. She extended her reach a bit more and a broom and dustpan quickly flew into action, sweeping up the spilled dirt around it. “See? It's like nothing ever happened,” she said with a chilling giggle, as the dustpan emptied its contents into the pot. “We just need to start with the small things and the rest will fall into place. In fact, I think I feel a song about that coming on right now...” “That was awesome,” yelled a voice from above and behind Twilight Sparkle. “Thank you,” said the unicorn, and for a moment her smile flickered to something more genuine. She had discarded the broom and dustpan, and was righting a table and two chairs. She flinched slightly at the distant sound of a golem putting its huge fist through one of the remaining walls of city hall. “Not you, me,” said Rainbow Dash who was hovering overhead and patting her chest with both hooves. “Did you see me out there just now? “ She pumped her right hoof for emphasis. “Boom! I painted this town in rainbow. I was amazing!” The appearance of the pegasus appeared to pull Twilight Sparkle a few hoofs back from the brink of madness. “Amazing? That's one word for it, I guess,” she said sarcastically. “I mean, you managed to break every window in town and empowered the golem even more.” Rainbow Dash gave a pleasant, if slightly dismissive laugh. “Eh,” she said lightly as she buffed a hoof and admired it in the flickering firelight of a shop that had caught fire, “you’re so five minutes ago. Stop trying to make this not about me. You have to admit that was a pretty impressive sonic rainboom.” “It was pretty impressive,” said Spike. “Well, yes, it was impressive,” admitted Twilight Sparkle sheepishly. “It made me tingly in all the good ways, but I really thought you were going to hurt yourself doing it.” At first Spike nodded emphatically in agreement before his expression twisted to one of perplexion as he glanced askance at the unicorn. “Yes!” cried Rainbow Dash, pumping her right foreleg in the air triumphantly. She held a hoof to the side of her muzzle and lowered her voice. “Hold that thought for later." She dashed a quick circle overhead and continued, "Sometimes you really do seem to get me Twilight Sparkle. I think that’s why you’re my favourite pony - after me, of course.” The young pegasus did a powder-blue back-flip of delight in midair and rolled out of it into an upward glide. “Gotta run,” she called over her shoulder. “I’m going to go see if any Wonderbolts witnessed my awesomeness.” Spike waved to the parting pony and then yelped in surprise as he found himself wrapped in purple forelegs and tumbling backward violently. A moment later, a large part of the cheap, plaster frieze from city hall crashed to the ground where they had been standing. “OK, Spike, I guess it's time to admit it,” said Twilight Sparkle as she gently placed her sidekick back on his feet in front of her. She held her head low with her ears laid back in defeat. “It's possible that a golem spell is above my current magic tier. It’s time to appeal to a higher power while there is enough of Ponyville to be worth saving.” “You mean…?” Spike jabbed a fore-claw meaningfully toward the sky. “Yes,” said the unicorn, “Spike, take a letter.” The dragon held up the quill and parchment roll he'd readied earlier with the nib poised over the paper, staring at Twilight Sparkle expectantly. The purple unicorn paced back and forth in front of him, visibly composing a letter in her head. Her eyes brimmed with tears, as much from humiliation as from the smoke and dust that was permeating the air of Ponyville. The mare often paced while she thought, and this instance required some especially deep thinking. She would have to word the letter in such a way as to elicit help without necessarily ceding culpability; the blaming and hoof-pointing could come later. “Dear Princess Celestia,” “Dear… Princess… Celestia…” muttered Spike as he scratched out the words onto the parchment. “HELP!!!” “HELP…” he paused. “That's all capitalized, right? How many exclamation points was that?” “Yes, and three,” said the pony. “I know that it is not grammatically correct, but I want to emphasize the direness of the situation.” Spike rubbed his jaw thoughtfully with his index talon, being careful not to touch himself with the tip of the quill. “Are you sure you won’t want to use four or five then?” he asked, “because things look pretty bad.” “Just three,” said Twilight Sparkle with a wan, indulgent smile as she nudged him gently out of the way of a falling piece of concrete. “More isn’t always better.” With a purple pulse of her horn, she flipped the little dragon onto her back and galloped out of the path of some wall sloughing off the burning shop nearby. “You will understand when you’re older.” When they were clear, Spike hopped off her back again and and tossed her a frown of disapproval over the condescending tone. He dutifully wrote in three exclamation marks, but his skeptical grimace suggested that he felt that the situation definitely warranted a few more. “Now sign it your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle and read it back to me,” she said. Spike scratched out the final words, cleared his throat and read back the note. “Dear Princess Celestia comma HELP exclamation exclamation exclamation Your faithful student comma Twilight Sparkle period” The pony frowned. “You remembered to capitalize the word princess, right? In this context it is part of a proper name, and I was so embarrassed the last time when…” “TWILIGHT!” implored Spike. “I suppose you’re right,” said Twilight Sparkle, wringing her hooves nervously. “I’m sure that given the gravity of the situation, she won’t send me to remedial grammar school again for such a minor infraction.” Spike rolled up the scroll, held it in the tip of his claws and launched it into the ether in a wash of green flames. "You did capitalize it though, right?" The little dragon crossed his arms and looked down his snout at Twilight Sparkle. "In all the excitement, I don't remember," he said, "but what does a baby dragon know about capitalization?" The unicorn sighed and shelved the topic for another day, but it was clear to both that the dragon would pay for his impudence later. She tapped her hooves together in thought. “The princess moves her lips when she reads, Spike, so that gives us a few minutes to coordinate our alibis before she responds!” She was going to say more, but she noticed that the golem had gone ominously quiet. Twilight Sparkle frowned and turned. "That can't be good. Now what is it up to....!" The golem had turned its attention from destroying property and was now focusing its confused, baleful attention on something small and bouncy and very very pink. “Pinkie Pie, no!” yelled Twilight Sparkle.