Nackte Hintern
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Reading later after I get back from school.
EDIT:
Nice little read, aught to continue it.
Interesting little piece you got here. I didn't read the whole sex scene (I've read too many in my time to care about them). However I did read some dialogue to catch a little plot development and I must say, you did a good job at such. I would honestly like to see more done with several other teen foals and Rarity. But a little romance would be nice if you did. You know what I mean?
~Adieu
Not bad, I think it could use a continuation, so long as it doesn't go all grimdark.
Well, i never imagined them together. Still a good clopfic though
Pretty enjoyable. A series of three, eh? I don't suppose Spike is going to be in a future installment?
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Glad you enjoyed it, look forward to something next week
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Good ideas! I think you'll enjoy the next part, I'm planning a little more plot development, so to speak, and more romance as part of that
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Don't worry about that - I'm not one to mix (non consensual) pain and pleasure - I can assure you that all our characters will see the end of the series without any serious physical injuries or permanent emotional damage.
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Thanks! It is definitely an unconventional pairing, but I think they complement each other nicely.
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Maybe. I'm sure he wishes that were the case.
Very nice, going from the title I assumed a diffrent version of Discipline, but what I found was still great. Keep up the good work.
Nice! A very tasteful little fic you've got here. The ending lines between Rarity and Diamond Tiara sealed the deal for me. If you can continue with the fantastic dialogue, make it a little easier to read (New speaker? New paragraph), and possibly lengthen the chapters (the sex scene seemed a little short to me), you'll have a very happy customer!
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Depending on what you were looking for, you might be pleased with the next installment. Also - thanks!
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Thank you for the feedback! I went through and edited the current chapter, and am keeping it in mind for the future.
Not bad, not bad at all. Perhaps involve Sweetie Belle? Or even the whole CMC for "revenge"?
Yummy! Not enough Tiara stuff around. Looking forward to future discipline. Longer scene next time please!
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Glad you liked it! I like the idea of Sweetie Belle, if she's not in this series I want to find a way to work with her in the future.
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Tell me about it, half the reason I'm writing this is to get more DT erotica out there. I like her in the show, and she's a great character to write!
interesting and unexpected... have a mustache
Since you asked...
This is an interesting piece. I'm usually not up for foalcon(ish) BDSM, but I'm always happy to see Tiara get what she deserves, and I'll certainly be watching for new chapters.
Rarity is remarkably bitchy here, but that's kind of the nature of the piece. I hope to see a subtle shift in her demeanor as she has more sessions with Tiara when she's enjoying it rather than pissed off and frustrated.
Your techicals -- spelling and grammar -- are good, which is the first hurdle as far as my readership is concerned. So good job there.
Now follows some general writing advice that I've collected over the years. You have a lot of potential, as Fluttershy might put it, but you could also use a ton of polish.
First, your tense. Writing in present tense irritates me. It's one of those things that an expert author can use deliberately for effect, but you are not that author. I put up with it from SleeplessBrony because his writing is so evocative, but in this fic it just gives me the impression that I'm reading a chat log.
Like many new writers, you also bounce between points of view, which increases the "AOL chat" sensation. You should pick one POV and stick with it for a whole section. If you want to switch to Tiara for a while, that's fine, but do it at a section break and then stay in Tiara's head until the next break. Instead of switching POV, try to put yourself in Rarity's (or Tiara's) place and imagine what they are able to perceive, and how they interpret it. For instance, at once point, you wrote:
Instead of just telling us how Tiara feels, you could show how easily Rarity sees through Tiara's peremptory facade to the feelings of embarrassment and helplessness beneath. It prevents the POV switching, and it's more engaging to the reader to boot.
On the more abstract side of things, you could definitely stand to "show, don't tell" more. That's not just a matter of "more description" -- my typical advice is to try to never state anything outright. Instead of "she was out of breath", say "her chest heaved and her breath came in quick gasps". Focus not on the facts, but the sensations those facts produce. Remember to invoke senses other than sight and sound. The more completely you can make the reader experience what's going on, the better. All of that goes double for sex scenes, and triple if you're going to have more than one sex scene in the story.
The only other complaint I have (OH IS THAT ALL?
) is your word choice. I generally like to avoid technical-sounding terms like 'clitoris'. I think they make it sound too much like a medical text, and each one is a lost opportunity to engage the reader's senses. Again, beating around the bush (no pun intended) will actually make your writing sexier. Euphemism and analogy are your friends. Some of the hottest scenes I've ever read never described anything explicit at all.
Oh, and Rarity's double entendre at the end made me chuckle. Good job on that.
1227713
Thank for for being so thorough! I appreciate it - I've been working on the second chapter, what I'll probably do is a full revision on this one as well.
I will say, I'm torn on avoiding technical terms for genitalia - it can be very sterile/jarring, but at the same time it can also be pretty hot in my opinion, if done properly. I'll have to think it over. But I feel you on everything else, it will definitely help to focus on a single POV in a single scene, it was something I was debating as I was writing it.
Also, "Focus not on the facts, but the sensations those facts produce" is great, I'll have to chew on that and figure out how best to implement it.
This fandom, it has changed me.
Nice chapter. Builds anticipation quite well.
Where is everypony?
Really loved the first section. You write Tiara very well. Better than Rarity, IMO, but I'm biased -- I might possibly have some very definite ideas about her.
I thought the transition from Tiara fantasizing about Rarity to what she was really doing with Spoon could have been more jarring for Tiara, to highlight the switch. As written, it wasn't completely clear that you didn't just mistakenly refer to Spoon as a unicorn. By the way, in that scene you never quite mentioned Spoon moving down between Tiara's legs -- last we saw, she was kissing her on the neck. It's not a big deal, but it was a little bit confusing. If Tiara was so distracted she didn't notice the move until Spoon started licking, you should draw attention to her failure to pay attention, and note her surprise!
Also, in the line about the awkward chat before Tiara's cutecenera, it looks like "they" refers to Spoon and Tiara until the next sentence says "he".
This seems excessively convenient. Given that she had an inkling that she might have a use for such spells, perhaps she could have studied a few with Twilight during the intervening weeks, ostensibly for use against Sweetie Belle? Or, if you think you might want to introduce some less innocent-seeming spells, she could have filched a book from the library, though I'd like to see that sort of scene played out.
How? It's stuck to the floor.
When did she say that?
So, this is going to be a BDSM foalcon Tiara redemption fic? Do go on...
I think it would have been better if Rarity hadn't done more than kiss her at the end, but that may just be a matter of taste. Considering what Tiara expected, I think less is more here.
All in all, I think this is a vast improvement over the first chapter. Well done! If there's anything I could complain about, I would like to see Rarity acting more like the mare we see in the show. Tiara certainly needs a firm hand, but she's being all iron fist when I'm expecting some velvet glove.
even though she pertains to the fic in no way
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRCybUrrIgidPIpXl7gy3gO3N3cgskXBeWgKXqJVb4C2cYyBdpM
Very nicely written
I actually like it.Wish there was more clop, but beggars can't be choosers. I wish there were more authors out there like you.
well then, i didn't see myself enjoying BDSM foalcon a few months ago
Hm, I'd have really liked to see that first paragraph shown rather than glossed over. This seems like an opportunity to offer a baseline on Tiara's behavior so we could see how the clandestine relationship changes her over time, not just in Rarity's presence, but overall. And how is Spoon taking all this? Did she just shrug and accept it, or did she get seriously upset? Tiara's generally been the dominant one in their relationship; are there any hints of Spoon's potential as a domme as Tiara finds that she enjoys subbing?
I like the idea that leather causes this sort of fascinated repulsion in ponies. It's easy to forget that they would have a very different view of items made from animal parts.
Gettin' kinda purple in that next to last paragraph. Dafuq does that even mean?
And that's it? Want more! MOOOORE!
Mmm... love what you're doing with this, makes for compelling reading!
1251218
Tell me about it
1251258
Thank you! I hope you liked the new one as well!
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i.imgur.com/6uckA.png
I could have sworn I sent those invitations out weeks ago
1260431
Oh yes. Also, re: velvet glove, I feel that, I tried to bring that in a little more in Chapter 3
1260861
it's exactly what I wished for!
1270171
Thank you!
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In that case, I think you'll enjoy the chapter I'm publishing today
1272301
This fandom changes you. I never pictured myself writing it!
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Good points re: the first paragraphs, I'll have to catch up on that in the next chapters
And hey, sometimes bondage causes you to have an existential crisis
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Thank you thank you!
Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! All I can do is ask for more! So much more!
I love these stories cause Rarity just strikes me as a pony with repressed Foalophilia
Always be lovely, inside and out, no matter how you want to scream and shout, eh Rarity? I think she knows a lot more than Tiara thinks, though I'm not sure how much it affects her.
Then again, maybe she isn't either.
I have only one complaint on this rather lovely piece, what with how responsible Rarity is, despite the situation, and all that.
The complaint is 'flatscreen tv'
Oh my~~ I cringed. Sorry, but consider their world a character, and that was OOC.
Whilst movies exist, it seems they're limited to informational pieces, like a mix of the 1800s and the 1910-1920's with some modern tech thrown in.
There's no sign of tv or broadcasting existing, even radios seem not to exist, a flatscreen tv would be insane.
Even telephones are non-existent. Anyway, that was my only complaint.
The way you handled this story so far makes me want to read on and on. Rarity's worry that she would be stormed by the police, and her reluctance to whip Diamond- all very down to earth. On wards to the interlude!
The course this story is taking I find very likeable with this particular pairing. I'm eager to see how it goes.
i would give you a tump up but i can´t destroy the number 66 sry ^^
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You'll be getting more soon! And yeah, I'm glad that Rarity's foalophilia is headcanon for more than just me.
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We'll certainly find out
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It's kind of funny how long I spent thinking about that how to handle that problem. Ponies seem to own either books and toys or weird statues and art. Anyway, I went back and edited it, thanks for pointing that out!
I wouldn't be too surprised if Rarity decided to end this little escapade. It's clearly cutting into Diamond's happiness and peace of mind.
Oh my... Silver that's quite the leap in logic. Granted there were clues. I guess the solution is for Rarity to take them both on? Silver could use some lessons herself.
Wait, Twist and Snips? I always figured she'd hook up with Snails...
Aaaawwww shits on like donkey kong
Wow, I wonder what the next chapter holds. Good chapter Nackte!
Interesting development.
Threesome nao!
Diamond should have just owned up. That would have made it a metric shit-ton easier to end the relationship somewhat nicely.
1421709
Gotta learn to control your reactions, Di....
Leap of logic, true, though for Di to be defending somebody who's telling her what to do? That's pretty extreme there. However, now that she's seen Di's reaction... well, that's pretty much a big ol' "yeah, I'm sleeping with her, and that's what my etiquette classes are covering for" right there.
1422243
Thank you thank you! The next chapter's underway!
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For sure, but then, she's way too hard-headed to do something simple and common-sense like that, isn't she?
1421817
Snails? Even Twist has standards.
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brb, dedicating the entirety of the next chapter to a red-hot Twist x Snips x Silver Spoon scene
1422094
Rumble in the Jungle: Silvy vs. Diamond
1421709
She sure could. I guess anything could happen
1470104 YES!!
wat?
Came for the clop, staying for the story. Hope you update soon.
1628504
Great to have you along for the ride! I just got chapter 6 back from my editor, so you'll be seeing something hopefully by the end of next week.
I am reading this with no shame. Now commence the spankings!
...Oh Snap!!! Sliver and Daimond? together? and now, Diamond wants to cheat! Oh how scandalous!!!!
I never thought I'd say that ever, but except for the trouble with Silver Spoon, I wish I were Diamond Tiara.
This is exactly the form of D/s I love.
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Readin' this story?
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m54n0qOY2n1qer2cm.png
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In all fairness, Di never Pinkie Promised, so you can't blame her too much.
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I know, minus all the problems she's running into, she's quite lucky.
And tell me about it, 7 months ago I never pictured myself writing about her!
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