Interesting little piece you got here. I didn't read the whole sex scene (I've read too many in my time to care about them). However I did read some dialogue to catch a little plot development and I must say, you did a good job at such. I would honestly like to see more done with several other teen foals and Rarity. But a little romance would be nice if you did. You know what I mean?
1180113 Glad you enjoyed it, look forward to something next week
1180371 Good ideas! I think you'll enjoy the next part, I'm planning a little more plot development, so to speak, and more romance as part of that
1180708 Don't worry about that - I'm not one to mix (non consensual) pain and pleasure - I can assure you that all our characters will see the end of the series without any serious physical injuries or permanent emotional damage.
1188109 Thanks! It is definitely an unconventional pairing, but I think they complement each other nicely.
1191708 Maybe. I'm sure he wishes that were the case.
Nice! A very tasteful little fic you've got here. The ending lines between Rarity and Diamond Tiara sealed the deal for me. If you can continue with the fantastic dialogue, make it a little easier to read (New speaker? New paragraph), and possibly lengthen the chapters (the sex scene seemed a little short to me), you'll have a very happy customer!
1210506 Glad you liked it! I like the idea of Sweetie Belle, if she's not in this series I want to find a way to work with her in the future.
1212556 Tell me about it, half the reason I'm writing this is to get more DT erotica out there. I like her in the show, and she's a great character to write!
This is an interesting piece. I'm usually not up for foalcon(ish) BDSM, but I'm always happy to see Tiara get what she deserves, and I'll certainly be watching for new chapters.
Rarity is remarkably bitchy here, but that's kind of the nature of the piece. I hope to see a subtle shift in her demeanor as she has more sessions with Tiara when she's enjoying it rather than pissed off and frustrated.
Your techicals -- spelling and grammar -- are good, which is the first hurdle as far as my readership is concerned. So good job there.
Now follows some general writing advice that I've collected over the years. You have a lot of potential, as Fluttershy might put it, but you could also use a ton of polish.
First, your tense. Writing in present tense irritates me. It's one of those things that an expert author can use deliberately for effect, but you are not that author. I put up with it from SleeplessBrony because his writing is so evocative, but in this fic it just gives me the impression that I'm reading a chat log.
Like many new writers, you also bounce between points of view, which increases the "AOL chat" sensation. You should pick one POV and stick with it for a whole section. If you want to switch to Tiara for a while, that's fine, but do it at a section break and then stay in Tiara's head until the next break. Instead of switching POV, try to put yourself in Rarity's (or Tiara's) place and imagine what they are able to perceive, and how they interpret it. For instance, at once point, you wrote:
The filly glances behind her with a scowl. She needs to assert control over the situation, to save some of her dignity.
Instead of just telling us how Tiara feels, you could show how easily Rarity sees through Tiara's peremptory facade to the feelings of embarrassment and helplessness beneath. It prevents the POV switching, and it's more engaging to the reader to boot.
On the more abstract side of things, you could definitely stand to "show, don't tell" more. That's not just a matter of "more description" -- my typical advice is to try to never state anything outright. Instead of "she was out of breath", say "her chest heaved and her breath came in quick gasps". Focus not on the facts, but the sensations those facts produce. Remember to invoke senses other than sight and sound. The more completely you can make the reader experience what's going on, the better. All of that goes double for sex scenes, and triple if you're going to have more than one sex scene in the story.
The only other complaint I have (OH IS THAT ALL? ) is your word choice. I generally like to avoid technical-sounding terms like 'clitoris'. I think they make it sound too much like a medical text, and each one is a lost opportunity to engage the reader's senses. Again, beating around the bush (no pun intended) will actually make your writing sexier. Euphemism and analogy are your friends. Some of the hottest scenes I've ever read never described anything explicit at all.
Oh, and Rarity's double entendre at the end made me chuckle. Good job on that.
1227713 Thank for for being so thorough! I appreciate it - I've been working on the second chapter, what I'll probably do is a full revision on this one as well. I will say, I'm torn on avoiding technical terms for genitalia - it can be very sterile/jarring, but at the same time it can also be pretty hot in my opinion, if done properly. I'll have to think it over. But I feel you on everything else, it will definitely help to focus on a single POV in a single scene, it was something I was debating as I was writing it.
Also, "Focus not on the facts, but the sensations those facts produce" is great, I'll have to chew on that and figure out how best to implement it.
So... I am not good with this. Saying words over clop... or saying words that could be formed into useful feedback, but here we go. Expect some rambling and not much usefulness.
I know that it is a weird thing to say, but it is nice to read a story where the writer knows their pony anatomy. Meaning with that, that you placed the ponies teats the right place.
Beside that would I say that you had a nice balance between foreplay and build-up and the actual sex scene. It is always head-shakingly bad when I read something that use way to little time and focus on the build-up. After all, if I wanted to see a porn scene would I see a movie, and not read a fic. The story, plot and atmosphere are after all important, and I would say that you hit that off just right, with a good balance between it all. And bravo for hitting the personalities as you do. It is easy to see Rarity as the teaching fine lady, keeping her sexuality behind a mask of feminine fineness, and the way that the young Diamond Tiara wants to learn, properly getting into the role of the eager pupil as time goes on, knowing that this is special and in a way important.
I know that I am weird with this, especially since this is a clop fic and people normally are more concentrated on other stuff than the tenses and such, but I found a little list of mistakes in your story.
“Well, it’s about time! I can’t wait around here all day” You are missing some punctuation in the end of this sentence. "Realizing who it is, Rarity almost lost her poise." Should it not be a past tense was? "She contemplated her options as she let the earth pony into the shop." Are your "let" not in present tense? "well...I was going to ask this when you came by to pick it up" Not wrong as such, but most others on this site add a space after their ellipses. I don´t want to point all ellipses out because this is not really a mistake, but this does also happen when you use it else. "The young mare seemed satisfied with this, and beneath her hooves the unicorn can feel her relax. " You have a present tense can here. "She yanked the tape away as her young customer wheeled around to face her.." You have a double period here. "The filly began to back away slowly, stopping when she ran out of table." You have a double space before this. “Darling,” she panted, “a lady must always remember to give as good as she receives.” So far I know should it be a period instead of comma after panted, and therefore a capital A after it. “Would you like to taste yourself, little one?” I know that this is personal taste, and not at all a mistake in any way or form, but I can see Rarity say "little one", and especially in a situation like this. But is is properly just me that are weird. "Diamond Tiara sighed in pleasure, squeaking as teeth graze her." Should it not be a past tense grazed? "She smirked as Tiara thrust her hips towards her." Are your thrust not in present tense? " the dam holding back her her juices flooding over the bed and her lover." You have a double her here.
Reading later after I get back from school.
EDIT:
Nice little read, aught to continue it.
Interesting little piece you got here. I didn't read the whole sex scene (I've read too many in my time to care about them). However I did read some dialogue to catch a little plot development and I must say, you did a good job at such. I would honestly like to see more done with several other teen foals and Rarity. But a little romance would be nice if you did. You know what I mean?
~Adieu
Not bad, I think it could use a continuation, so long as it doesn't go all grimdark.
Well, i never imagined them together. Still a good clopfic though
Pretty enjoyable. A series of three, eh? I don't suppose Spike is going to be in a future installment?
1180113
Glad you enjoyed it, look forward to something next week
1180371
Good ideas! I think you'll enjoy the next part, I'm planning a little more plot development, so to speak, and more romance as part of that
1180708
Don't worry about that - I'm not one to mix (non consensual) pain and pleasure - I can assure you that all our characters will see the end of the series without any serious physical injuries or permanent emotional damage.
1188109
Thanks! It is definitely an unconventional pairing, but I think they complement each other nicely.
1191708
Maybe. I'm sure he wishes that were the case.
Very nice, going from the title I assumed a diffrent version of Discipline, but what I found was still great. Keep up the good work.
Nice! A very tasteful little fic you've got here. The ending lines between Rarity and Diamond Tiara sealed the deal for me. If you can continue with the fantastic dialogue, make it a little easier to read (New speaker? New paragraph), and possibly lengthen the chapters (the sex scene seemed a little short to me), you'll have a very happy customer!
1202822
Depending on what you were looking for, you might be pleased with the next installment. Also - thanks!
1204496
Thank you for the feedback! I went through and edited the current chapter, and am keeping it in mind for the future.
Not bad, not bad at all. Perhaps involve Sweetie Belle? Or even the whole CMC for "revenge"?
Yummy! Not enough Tiara stuff around. Looking forward to future discipline. Longer scene next time please!
1210506
Glad you liked it! I like the idea of Sweetie Belle, if she's not in this series I want to find a way to work with her in the future.
1212556
Tell me about it, half the reason I'm writing this is to get more DT erotica out there. I like her in the show, and she's a great character to write!
interesting and unexpected... have a mustache
Since you asked...
This is an interesting piece. I'm usually not up for foalcon(ish) BDSM, but I'm always happy to see Tiara get what she deserves, and I'll certainly be watching for new chapters.
Rarity is remarkably bitchy here, but that's kind of the nature of the piece. I hope to see a subtle shift in her demeanor as she has more sessions with Tiara when she's enjoying it rather than pissed off and frustrated.
Your techicals -- spelling and grammar -- are good, which is the first hurdle as far as my readership is concerned. So good job there.
Now follows some general writing advice that I've collected over the years. You have a lot of potential, as Fluttershy might put it, but you could also use a ton of polish.
First, your tense. Writing in present tense irritates me. It's one of those things that an expert author can use deliberately for effect, but you are not that author. I put up with it from SleeplessBrony because his writing is so evocative, but in this fic it just gives me the impression that I'm reading a chat log.
Like many new writers, you also bounce between points of view, which increases the "AOL chat" sensation. You should pick one POV and stick with it for a whole section. If you want to switch to Tiara for a while, that's fine, but do it at a section break and then stay in Tiara's head until the next break. Instead of switching POV, try to put yourself in Rarity's (or Tiara's) place and imagine what they are able to perceive, and how they interpret it. For instance, at once point, you wrote:
Instead of just telling us how Tiara feels, you could show how easily Rarity sees through Tiara's peremptory facade to the feelings of embarrassment and helplessness beneath. It prevents the POV switching, and it's more engaging to the reader to boot.
On the more abstract side of things, you could definitely stand to "show, don't tell" more. That's not just a matter of "more description" -- my typical advice is to try to never state anything outright. Instead of "she was out of breath", say "her chest heaved and her breath came in quick gasps". Focus not on the facts, but the sensations those facts produce. Remember to invoke senses other than sight and sound. The more completely you can make the reader experience what's going on, the better. All of that goes double for sex scenes, and triple if you're going to have more than one sex scene in the story.
The only other complaint I have (OH IS THAT ALL? ) is your word choice. I generally like to avoid technical-sounding terms like 'clitoris'. I think they make it sound too much like a medical text, and each one is a lost opportunity to engage the reader's senses. Again, beating around the bush (no pun intended) will actually make your writing sexier. Euphemism and analogy are your friends. Some of the hottest scenes I've ever read never described anything explicit at all.
Oh, and Rarity's double entendre at the end made me chuckle. Good job on that.
1227713
Thank for for being so thorough! I appreciate it - I've been working on the second chapter, what I'll probably do is a full revision on this one as well.
I will say, I'm torn on avoiding technical terms for genitalia - it can be very sterile/jarring, but at the same time it can also be pretty hot in my opinion, if done properly. I'll have to think it over. But I feel you on everything else, it will definitely help to focus on a single POV in a single scene, it was something I was debating as I was writing it.
Also, "Focus not on the facts, but the sensations those facts produce" is great, I'll have to chew on that and figure out how best to implement it.
So... I am not good with this. Saying words over clop... or saying words that could be formed into useful feedback, but here we go. Expect some rambling and not much usefulness.
I know that it is a weird thing to say, but it is nice to read a story where the writer knows their pony anatomy. Meaning with that, that you placed the ponies teats the right place.
Beside that would I say that you had a nice balance between foreplay and build-up and the actual sex scene. It is always head-shakingly bad when I read something that use way to little time and focus on the build-up. After all, if I wanted to see a porn scene would I see a movie, and not read a fic. The story, plot and atmosphere are after all important, and I would say that you hit that off just right, with a good balance between it all. And bravo for hitting the personalities as you do. It is easy to see Rarity as the teaching fine lady, keeping her sexuality behind a mask of feminine fineness, and the way that the young Diamond Tiara wants to learn, properly getting into the role of the eager pupil as time goes on, knowing that this is special and in a way important.
I know that I am weird with this, especially since this is a clop fic and people normally are more concentrated on other stuff than the tenses and such, but I found a little list of mistakes in your story.
“Well, it’s about time! I can’t wait around here all day” You are missing some punctuation in the end of this sentence.
"Realizing who it is, Rarity almost lost her poise." Should it not be a past tense was?
"She contemplated her options as she let the earth pony into the shop." Are your "let" not in present tense?
"well...I was going to ask this when you came by to pick it up" Not wrong as such, but most others on this site add a space after their ellipses. I don´t want to point all ellipses out because this is not really a mistake, but this does also happen when you use it else.
"The young mare seemed satisfied with this, and beneath her hooves the unicorn can feel her relax. " You have a present tense can here.
"She yanked the tape away as her young customer wheeled around to face her.." You have a double period here.
"The filly began to back away slowly, stopping when she ran out of table." You have a double space before this.
“Darling,” she panted, “a lady must always remember to give as good as she receives.” So far I know should it be a period instead of comma after panted, and therefore a capital A after it.
“Would you like to taste yourself, little one?” I know that this is personal taste, and not at all a mistake in any way or form, but I can see Rarity say "little one", and especially in a situation like this. But is is properly just me that are weird.
"Diamond Tiara sighed in pleasure, squeaking as teeth graze her." Should it not be a past tense grazed?
"She smirked as Tiara thrust her hips towards her." Are your thrust not in present tense?
" the dam holding back her her juices flooding over the bed and her lover." You have a double her here.
1202822 your pic says it all. Enough said
Holy shit that was awesome :bulkyeah:
So Diamond Tiara isnt a bad filly, just needed to get laid, like big time!