Hm, I'd have really liked to see that first paragraph shown rather than glossed over. This seems like an opportunity to offer a baseline on Tiara's behavior so we could see how the clandestine relationship changes her over time, not just in Rarity's presence, but overall. And how is Spoon taking all this? Did she just shrug and accept it, or did she get seriously upset? Tiara's generally been the dominant one in their relationship; are there any hints of Spoon's potential as a domme as Tiara finds that she enjoys subbing?
I like the idea that leather causes this sort of fascinated repulsion in ponies. It's easy to forget that they would have a very different view of items made from animal parts.
Gettin' kinda purple in that next to last paragraph. Dafuq does that even mean?
1270560 In that case, I think you'll enjoy the chapter I'm publishing today
1272301 This fandom changes you. I never pictured myself writing it!
1272937 Good points re: the first paragraphs, I'll have to catch up on that in the next chapters And hey, sometimes bondage causes you to have an existential crisis
I have only one complaint on this rather lovely piece, what with how responsible Rarity is, despite the situation, and all that. The complaint is 'flatscreen tv' Oh my~~ I cringed. Sorry, but consider their world a character, and that was OOC. Whilst movies exist, it seems they're limited to informational pieces, like a mix of the 1800s and the 1910-1920's with some modern tech thrown in. There's no sign of tv or broadcasting existing, even radios seem not to exist, a flatscreen tv would be insane. Even telephones are non-existent. Anyway, that was my only complaint. The way you handled this story so far makes me want to read on and on. Rarity's worry that she would be stormed by the police, and her reluctance to whip Diamond- all very down to earth. On wards to the interlude!
Nice chapter... But I do somewhat think that Diamond Tiaras reactions are a little bit off. I mean it is new to her, sure she want to try it out, but there is a good reason in the words that Rarity comes with, that you have to start out in the small, see where limits are, and don´t just jump head first into fantasies without stopping up now and again and feel in your stomach if this is the right thing or not... And no I am not at all here talking about personal experiences.
Another thing relating to the first one is that when Diamond Tiara chose the crop did she take away some of the control from Rarity. I do not know if this is some amazingly thought out scene showing that Diamond Tiara are still somewhat dominating, pushing Rarity into doing what she wants instead of what Rarity wants and know there is best, or if it was yourself that wanted to move the plot along to get to the saucy bits a little bit faster. Personally would I say that I am a little surprised that they went so long. I mean Rarity, and also you since you write this, seems to know what you are doing, and the importance of the confidence in each other, for example in the way that Rarity state more than ones that it can all stop if Diamond Tiara don´t like where this is going, and more impotently if she dosn´t.
So... I hope that this feedback helped a little bit, again I am not the best out in the skills of written English, and are even worse when we are going into the ground of clopping. But as a last thing would I want to share this little guide with you. I can see that you know a lot of the rules behind dialogue, but there is still some mistakes here and there. And while punctuation aren´t really the most important thing in a clop story would I still mean that it is important to make it seem neat. Think if Rarity saw this after all
Again did I catch some few mistakes. "Apparently, Diamond Tiara, your your attention span is as short as your fuse," You have a double your here. "Tiara still frowning as she ate a soup which is even more disappointing than she expected" You have a present tense is here. "Rarity levitated the crop, running it along her haunches, dragging it along her cutiemarks and rubbing briefly over her teats and mound." You make it sound like Rarity are doing it on herself with your use of "her" here. “Words to live by, young one. Remember them. Live by them.” “I trust that didn’t hurt too badly?” Should this not just be in one segment instead of being broken up like this?
1277771 uh, pony technology is varied, you have vinyl scratch, the electro-wubstep artist, and then you have wooden and brick houses in the same area, microwaves, fire ovens, utensils, the Doctor, ponynet and mail carriers. Varied as time space settles down and gets worked up
Diamond Tiara’s rear burned where the crop had come down on her. Her head buried deep in the maroon sheets of the bed, she was brought back to another time, very long ago, when her father had come home from work to discover that she had broken a new, very expensive toy. It was the only time he had ever spanked her, and he had apologized almost immediately afterward, returning home from work the next day with gifts which must have cost twice the price of the broken gadget.
ahh so because he lost his temper once he never struck her again and hterefore never disciplined her properly.
Apparently, Diamond Tiara, your your attention span is as short as your fuse
Double the pleasure, double the discipline.
They seated themselves at the table, Tiara still frowning as she ate a soup which is even more disappointing than she expected.
I feel like it should be "which was even more disappointing," but I'm not sure.
I will ask you some simple questions, you will answer as promptly.
"As promptly" as what?
“This is about my consent too, you realize. I’m not just going to whip you with anything at your command.” “Fine,” Rarity said after a pause, conceding defeat to the younger mare's insistent silence.
This should be rewritten. There is no real pause between the two paragraphs. This type of "implied pause" can work, but when the character keeps talking through the break it really doesn't feel right to me.
Rarity huffed, pacing on the carpet. “Words to live by, young one. Remember them. Live by them.” “I trust that didn’t hurt too badly?”
Remove the quote at the end of the first paragraph.
Very nicely written
I actually like it.Wish there was more clop, but beggars can't be choosers. I wish there were more authors out there like you.
well then, i didn't see myself enjoying BDSM foalcon a few months ago
Hm, I'd have really liked to see that first paragraph shown rather than glossed over. This seems like an opportunity to offer a baseline on Tiara's behavior so we could see how the clandestine relationship changes her over time, not just in Rarity's presence, but overall. And how is Spoon taking all this? Did she just shrug and accept it, or did she get seriously upset? Tiara's generally been the dominant one in their relationship; are there any hints of Spoon's potential as a domme as Tiara finds that she enjoys subbing?
I like the idea that leather causes this sort of fascinated repulsion in ponies. It's easy to forget that they would have a very different view of items made from animal parts.
Gettin' kinda purple in that next to last paragraph. Dafuq does that even mean?
And that's it? Want more! MOOOORE!
Mmm... love what you're doing with this, makes for compelling reading!
1251218
Tell me about it
1251258
Thank you! I hope you liked the new one as well!
1251345
i.imgur.com/6uckA.png
I could have sworn I sent those invitations out weeks ago
1260431
Oh yes. Also, re: velvet glove, I feel that, I tried to bring that in a little more in Chapter 3
1260861
it's exactly what I wished for!
1270171
Thank you!
1270560
In that case, I think you'll enjoy the chapter I'm publishing today
1272301
This fandom changes you. I never pictured myself writing it!
1272937
Good points re: the first paragraphs, I'll have to catch up on that in the next chapters
And hey, sometimes bondage causes you to have an existential crisis
1274332
Thank you thank you!
I have only one complaint on this rather lovely piece, what with how responsible Rarity is, despite the situation, and all that.
The complaint is 'flatscreen tv'
Oh my~~ I cringed. Sorry, but consider their world a character, and that was OOC.
Whilst movies exist, it seems they're limited to informational pieces, like a mix of the 1800s and the 1910-1920's with some modern tech thrown in.
There's no sign of tv or broadcasting existing, even radios seem not to exist, a flatscreen tv would be insane.
Even telephones are non-existent. Anyway, that was my only complaint.
The way you handled this story so far makes me want to read on and on. Rarity's worry that she would be stormed by the police, and her reluctance to whip Diamond- all very down to earth. On wards to the interlude!
Nice chapter... But I do somewhat think that Diamond Tiaras reactions are a little bit off. I mean it is new to her, sure she want to try it out, but there is a good reason in the words that Rarity comes with, that you have to start out in the small, see where limits are, and don´t just jump head first into fantasies without stopping up now and again and feel in your stomach if this is the right thing or not... And no I am not at all here talking about personal experiences.
Another thing relating to the first one is that when Diamond Tiara chose the crop did she take away some of the control from Rarity. I do not know if this is some amazingly thought out scene showing that Diamond Tiara are still somewhat dominating, pushing Rarity into doing what she wants instead of what Rarity wants and know there is best, or if it was yourself that wanted to move the plot along to get to the saucy bits a little bit faster. Personally would I say that I am a little surprised that they went so long. I mean Rarity, and also you since you write this, seems to know what you are doing, and the importance of the confidence in each other, for example in the way that Rarity state more than ones that it can all stop if Diamond Tiara don´t like where this is going, and more impotently if she dosn´t.
So... I hope that this feedback helped a little bit, again I am not the best out in the skills of written English, and are even worse when we are going into the ground of clopping. But as a last thing would I want to share this little guide with you. I can see that you know a lot of the rules behind dialogue, but there is still some mistakes here and there. And while punctuation aren´t really the most important thing in a clop story would I still mean that it is important to make it seem neat. Think if Rarity saw this after all
Again did I catch some few mistakes.
"Apparently, Diamond Tiara, your your attention span is as short as your fuse," You have a double your here.
"Tiara still frowning as she ate a soup which is even more disappointing than she expected" You have a present tense is here.
"Rarity levitated the crop, running it along her haunches, dragging it along her cutiemarks and rubbing briefly over her teats and mound." You make it sound like Rarity are doing it on herself with your use of "her" here.
“Words to live by, young one. Remember them. Live by them.” “I trust that didn’t hurt too badly?” Should this not just be in one segment instead of being broken up like this?
1277771 uh, pony technology is varied, you have vinyl scratch, the electro-wubstep artist, and then you have wooden and brick houses in the same area, microwaves, fire ovens, utensils, the Doctor, ponynet and mail carriers. Varied as time space settles down and gets worked up
ahh so because he lost his temper once he never struck her again and hterefore never disciplined her properly.
Double the pleasure, double the discipline.
I feel like it should be "which was even more disappointing," but I'm not sure.
"As promptly" as what?
This should be rewritten. There is no real pause between the two paragraphs. This type of "implied pause" can work, but when the character keeps talking through the break it really doesn't feel right to me.
Remove the quote at the end of the first paragraph.