Walking

When midnight comes, it's time to walk home from work for Rainbow Dash.

But tonight, she's not alone.

IMPORTANT NOTE:I know it's a slow start, but keep reading and rate fairly, please, since it gets good later on in the story.

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MisterNick

MisterNick #1 · Nov 8th, 2018 · · ·

I've always enjoyed the whole "a girl walks home late at night" story. It can be a lot of fun and build up some solid suspense. After all such a story can pray on an individuals vulnerability and what not in such a situation. So you've got a good concept. What the story really needs though is the dreaded word more in a lot of areas and less in others.

The first thing I would do is ditch the time stamps. It's something that isn't continued throughout the story and doesn't really add anything. Another thing I would lose is the color coordinated dialog. It doesn't really add anything to the story. Then I would focus on describing the store and then Rainbow Dash's reaction to it. Yes, she's bored but the store what kind of store is this? Is it well maintained? Do the lights buzz? Does one of the coolers leak or have an odd smell? Details like that can add a lot to the world of your story.

Another thing you might want to consider if you're starting her off at the store is to give her someone to interact with beforehand. It could be the stalker, it could be a coworker or a police officer. Through that have Rainbow Dash realize she forgot to tell her boyfriend that she was working late. Heck instead of having Rainbow Dash being punished for tardiness have it be that a coworker didn't show up so she had to cover. Maybe she got busy. Maybe the relationship isn't that good but show it and the emotional impact. Not saying she cries just there's maybe frustration there. While she's talking with Soarin maybe she notices something odd off to the side of the store but when she looks again it's gone.

Describe the night, how the darkness looks and feels. Maybe she doesn't get any sense of anything being wrong because she's distracted with something. Go into it. Then she can notice something she can get that creepy feeling. That's when she notices someone and as she walks she starts to pay attention to it because it does give her a bad vibe. The details of how she feels, how her guts twist etc are very important here. Maybe she has mace on her or something but something about this figure just unnerves her.

When the pursuit starts it has to go for awhile... at least long enough for what happens to happen. Now whether or not she loses her pursuer depends on how you want it to end. If you want the guy dead then I'd say either she lost her pursuer and instead the they went to the house or she just escapes only to find that really there were two pursuers and one of them went to the house instead after a bit.

She could also just escape slam the door behind her and beg her boyfriend to call the cops because she's put through the wringer and is just so scared and unnerved by what happened. There are a bunch of ways to go on all of this but these details are important and you should play with them.

I hope that this didn't come off as me knocking you. I think the story has a lot of potential. It just needs more fleshing out.

Silence_EXE