I don't know really, I like MLP, so I thought I might as well sign up
Ten year old Anna must stay with her granny in the isolated countryside for the summer. But when she turns on the TV to watch her favourite show My Little Pony, something strange happens. Something not possible. One of the ponies sees her. One pony hears her. And now one pony wants to know reality. And why she now has a consciousness... while the rest of fictional world doesn't.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's a very interesting concept, and I love it lol. Is this going to be continued?
Interesting...
Very interesting indeed. I will be tracking this, mate, this is really good!
Just one thing. Some of your dialogue needs to have commas instead of a period, as a full stop is inappropriate if you have a dialogue tag. If it was an action immediately after the sentence, the period is appropriate.
Also, some of your paragraphs are somewhat lackluster. As much as I love this story already (please write moar) it would be 20% cooler if it was more engaging!
Keep going, mate!
Well that's creepy. Poor Rainbow and Anna.
Hey, I really like this idea, and want to see more of it, however there are some grammar and technical errors you should take care of. I suggest getting an editor or proofreader for future chapters. And while I appreciate you trying to do something original with the child, I feel it would be better from a narrative standpoint if you A) put the narrator in the future and had her talk about something that happened in the past, or B) have the narrator be speaking in the present tense. There's no reason, if she's speaking in the past tense, to have her speaking like a child unless this narration takes place around the time of the events being narrated. You could solve this problem by stating how long ago this took place, or tell how old she is now, as well as how old she was when this happened. I don't mean to go on, and I'm sorry if this is confusing, but I just really like the story, and want to see its quality rise with each update. Hope you aren't upset at me.
7975555
No, I'm not upset at you.
The story is taking place around the time of her talking, that's why it's in past tense. I don't really like present tense that much, so I don't tend to write in it, even when the story is based on the time in question.
I do have trouble with grammar, I'll admit that. But I just don't really want a beta-reader. I took an online course on grammar to get better (cos' my teacher when I was in school didn't teach it to us properly) but I know I'll never get a complete handle on it. And I just don't like my work being touched by other people's hands... I'm weird like that.
Glad you like it, but I hope this explains my writing decisions and doesn't put you off the story.
7975636 I understand. Well, despite my qualms, I'm gonna keep an eye on this. You have great potential. Keep up the good work. I'm glad to see that you can take criticism well. That's a good quality to have.
I would've been scared too if Rainbow Dash or any other ponies did hear or looked at me from watching their show.
And what is she going to say to the parents? "Oh, sorry, I let her go to the garden, I didn't look for one moment and she dissapeared"?
Confess: In the next chapter Rainbow will save Anna.
8022464 Yep. Was gonna have her save her in this chapter, but decided to leave on a cliff hanger instead. I loves me some cliffhangers :)
Rainbow Dash's ability to self heal from the electricity makes things much more interesting :D
This chapter is quite electrifying.
That new ability reveal was simply shocking.
I'm not too sure watt happened, actually.
I'm currently amped for the next chapter.
I'll stop.
8048920 Did the fuse melt?
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw5610_large.png
Woah. Definitely dark. I thought that the granny was a character but now I am trying to figure out who she is as a character.
Haha. Highlander maybe? There can be only one!
Wait what?! Grace was the grandmother? How? Rainbow was right to be cautious. I honestly thought she was just being stubborn and overprotective of Anna.
If Rainbow comes back...again, she's going to tell Anna, "I told you so."
I just have to say, I really, really liked this idea. So please, I ask, that you do not take this the wrong way. (This is coming from the mind of a reviewer, meaning that all of this is what I see in the story, and how it could be better.)
The first couple chapters were good, and it had me going for more, but...
The execution has been less than stellar. I feel it had so much potential... but the direction you took the idea in just kinda spiraled out of control and it just... doesn't feel right. It doesn't flow. It... I just can't grasp the way the story went. One moment it was making sense, and now... it's almost as if you're purposefully adding more tragedy to keep the story going.
Look, I don't want to put you down. You have so much potential. This story had so much potential. It just makes me feel so sad that it's not living up to it's idea. It leaves so much more to be desired.
I hope that with this, you can look your story over and better it, becoming a better writer yourself. You have it in you, I can see it in your words. You just need to work harder for it!
So keep on writing, friend!
Allons-y!
8250068
That's okay if you didn't like the way the story went, or is going. I just wrote the story this way because that's how it formed in my mind. The main reason why the last three chapters have been a lot darker and more action packed is that I got highly influenced after seeing the movie Logan, and wanted the story to be more intense the further it went on.
But this was meant to be the main climax of it, so I needed to raise the steaks, as I didn't just write this story for readers, but for myself and I needed to feel like there was something to lose.
Sorry if you don't like the way it went, but I'm actually loving the direction it's going, I find writing these last few chapters quite thrilling, so if anything, story aside, I hope this at least entertained you before you signed off.
Thanks for the feedback! Sorry the way the story went wasn't for you.
Feeling Grand
mmmmm fuzzy and dark feelings, my favorite and in the right proportions too, please do make more stories like this.
Yes.
And... meh.
also, the new highlander looks promising.
8261909
I actually have never seen Highlander, but I looked up to see what the movie was about, and I now see a lot of similarities between my premise and its.
Ah well, just co-incidence I guess.
8265926
i am going to ask this straight, are we going to get a sequel? will Annas cousins awaken their powers as well?
8270279
I was thinking of doing a sequel, with Anna on the search for Rainbow Dash. I don't know how I could evolve her cousins though, the healing power and electric power also are passed on by a recessive gene that was carried in Grace's yellow hair (Cos electricity is yellow, and Grace's hair is yellow... it's complicated, but that's how it works in my head. Which is also why none of her aunts or uncles on her dad's side have the power cos they all have brown hair- which is also why they didn't know about it.) But some of Grace's cousins might have yellow hair, though it is a rare recessive gene- I just never really thought of it.
I might do a sequel, but it probably won't be started for a while, and most my stories (including this one) take 6 months or around that, so who knows?
While I enjoyed this overall, I do have some reservations. For one, the idea that people from TV-land (for lack of a better term) and those descended from them have powers over - and conversely are vulnerability to - electricity just seems, well, forced. I assume the author was going for something similar to the Superman mythos where kryptonite is harmful to Superman because it's from his home planet. In effect, Superman, a Kryptonian being, can only really be harmed by a Kryptonian material. (This idea goes back to the ancient Egyptians.)
But electricity is only provides the power. What sets the television apart from other household appliances is not just that it receives information, but the method that it uses - radio waves. (With the exception of cable and ) From my own point of view, it would be more satisfying if Anna's abilities/weakness (and those of her grandmother, and Rainbow Dash) had been related to radio.
The other two weaknesses show up near the end. After reading about Anna's mother going missing I was left scratching my head. Why? Was she afraid for her daughter? The other is Dash's bizarre (and somewhat cringeworthy) remark:
Not only does it make no sense for her to say this, but it is completely false. The current Holocene extinction is but a pale shadow of Jurassic extinction, to say nothing of the Oxygen Catastrophe. Indeed, the biosphere as a whole ii far beyond our powers of destruction. And where would she get her knowledge of current environmental events? She has only been exposed to Anna and her grandmother, and has no source of information on the outside world.
Personally, I think this story would have worked better as an existential horror. For Rainbow Dash, discovering the everyone she's ever known are not people but automatons following a script, and existing but not really living, would have had a profound impact on her mind. How would she deal with that? The Dash of the earlier season seems to have a fair amount of insecurity that she hides with bravado. She can face a dragon without fear, but can she face a truth that shatters everything that she had known?
8286790
Thanks for the review/comment.
Anna's mum didn't go missing. She was "sick" (had cancer) and had died, that's why Anna saw her in the valley with the pink sky and falling stars. That was meant to be a near death experience, and Anna didn't know at that point her mother had died. That's also why she was at her granny's. Because her mother was sick, and as it said in chapter one, Anna missed her mum's brown hair, because her mother was bold (from chemotherapy)
It's not so much that electricity is their weakness. Grace and Rainbow Dash are essentially made up of electricity, not just because of the TV, but that is also how the cage machine that brought them into the real world created them. It took their signals, converted them to electricity to bring them through the electrical wires and then their bodies were created by the electricity being so compacted that it grouped together into electric neons and formed their bodies.
Hope that explained some of the story. I guess I didn't make that clear enough in the actual fic.
As for this being more suited for an existential horror. I do think that would've been an interesting idea, now that you mention it. I tried to put some interesting thoughts into this, but the story was meant to be an action thriller drama. I wanted to focus on making it action packed and kinda a more popcorn type of fic. I do think adding those elements of Rainbow Dash thinking over the fact that her TV show was never real could have helped enhance the story, but Anna is only a ten year old. Rainbow probably wouldn't have discussed it fully with her. That's why I snuck in the scene of Rainbow talking to Grace about deeper matters, (before the realization it was the granny) simply because Grace was an adult too.
Hope this helped explain a few things! :)
Thanks for the feedback!
8288888
Um, I'm afraid the explanation doesn't make much sense. Electricity isn't a substance, but the transfer of energy from from a source to a destination. An electric wire isn't an electron "hose" that emits electrons, but more like a train track. If there's a break in the tracks, then all the trains on it come to a halt. Think of the old kind of Christmas lights where if one burnt out, then they all went out. When you say that the device compacted the electricity, do you mean that it converted electricity energy into matter? Because the amount of energy required for even a fraction of a person's (or pony's) mass would be more then the worlds daily energy production.
I think this is one of those cases where the process of the Grace and Dash becoming real would have been better off left unexplained. For example, in the movie Last Action Hero, the magic ticket that allows Danny to travel into Jack Slater's world (and vice versa) is never given an explanation. In fact aside from that it once belonged to Harry Houdini, we know nothing of it's past. And in that case, the lack of explanation doesn't hurt the story.
8290495
Yeah, that's what I meant. It converted it to matter.
I didn't take into account how much electricity would be needed to do that, but that's how it's done. I also go by the study that when the atoms are zoomed up on, they are actually energy. So the same would hold true for Rainbow and Grace, except they would be electric atoms with electricity essentially at the base. I took some liberties in the story, though and this is more like pseudo science.
I only gave an explanation to kinda why electricity was their weakness, them being essentially it at their core, to explain that when Grace was being exposed to it, it broke up her molecules and dispersed her electrical structure.
Probably a plot hole I guess, but most stories will have them, and I'm no expert in science, just utilizing theories and rhetorics I've read for my own fun, even if the science I use doesn't make complete sense.
Thanks for the thoughts. Ta.
7975733
Awesomeness has reached critical mass...
7998911
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bW7Op86ox9g
I remember reading this a while back. Happy to see you decided to finish the story.
very nice fanfic, I'm late, but I'd love to know if dash went somewhere or had a terrible fate
Sequel?
This was one of the very first stories I ever read on this site, and is still the first story on my Read Later shelf and one of the first stories on my Favorites shelf. The ending made me cry hard, but made me also want to seek out more stories like it.
So thank you for helping building my love for pony stories that still holds to this day