Never the Final Word (Vol. 2)

by FanOfMostEverything

Kris Overstreet's Venti and a Shot (FoME's "Ferment Unrest")

Author's Note:

[Comedy][Implicit Crossover]

This is a pair of riffs on FanOfMostEverything's Ferment Unrest (3,056 words, [Comedy][Slice of Life])

FERMENT SPOILERS: At the first World's Fair of Canterlot, Berry Punch compares notes with the kirin brewer Fern Flare and is struck by inspiration in the process. Among other things, she purchases "zebra coffee strong enough to send the drinker back to sobriety and out through the other side."

Also, kirin alcohol has a lot more long-chain hydrocarbons than you'd think.

So far as casual observers could tell, the dark brew that had been poured from the flame-blackened ceramic pot into the tiny shot glass had two effects. One, it made the imbiber scream uncontrollably at the top of their lungs. Two, it gave the same imbiber a waiver from any need to inhale, or so it seemed based on the length and continuing volume of the screaming.

Berry Punch looked at the zebra on the other end of the pot, who had the grace to look embarrassed. Over the screaming of the horrified patron she shouted, "AND THIS IS WHY YOU CUT IT WITH MILK AND SUGAR FOR PONIES!"

"ALL DAY TODAY I'VE HAD BUT ONE GUEST!" the zebra shouted back. "AND HE ASKED FOR THE BEVERAGE I THOUGHT WAS STRONGEST!"

Taking a quick look around the booths, Berry spotted a booth offering McColt's Old-Fashioned Water of Livin', in a row of little earthware jugs with cork stoppers. She took one, uncorked it, poured a carefully measured amount into a jigger, and then said, "GRAB HIS NOSE!"

A snout was grabbed, a head was tilted back, and a small amount of clear liquid fire masquerading as "moonshine" went down a throat.

A moment of silence ensued while the afflicted stallion finally inhaled.

And then the screams had words. "WE'RE NOT REAL! NOTHING IS REAL! WE'RE ALL TINY ONES AND ZEROES IN A MACHINE! MILLIONS OF ONES AND ZEROES!!"

Berry snorted. "KILIPONJARO OR SERENGAITI ROAST?" she asked.

"HE ASKED FOR THE STRONGEST THING I VEND!" the zebra shouted back. "SO I SERVED HIM THE BEEFIOPIAN BLEND!"

"BEEFIOPIAN??" Berry shouted. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE!" A slightly smaller amount of moonshine was poured out, and shortly after poured in. The screaming stopped, leaving behind a trembling, panting, weak-kneed stallion left to lean on his friends.

"Nothing else but water for him the rest of the day," Berry said. "But tomorrow, once he's back on his hooves, let him get as drunk as he likes. He'll need it."

"And that'll cure him?" one of his friends asked.

Berry shook her head. "No, it'll just keep him stable," she said. "But there are some things that just can't be unseen, no matter how much brain bleach you use."

"Er..." Another pony raised a hoof. "Was he right about the... er... the ones and zeroes thing?"

Berry didn't blink an eye. "If you absolutely have to know, ask somebody from Ponyville about the reign of the Great and Powerful Trixie," she said. "But not me."

And with that she took the little brown jug of moonshine and slammed down the remaining contents.

---

(Unrelated to the above; see the second paragraph of the spoiler.)

The roof of the outhouse crashed to the street and shattered into its constituent wooden shingles.

As ponies gathered to investigate the explosion, they saw a black, flaming figure standing (a bit bow-legged) in the smoking remains of the outhouse, glaring at the world.

The nirik roared, "I WANT TO KNOW WHO CUT MY DRINKS WITH DIESEL!!"

Comments

[Georg]

A world which is suffering from a lack of Buck Godot, Zap Gun for Hire. Hoffmanites have a reputation for alcohol tolerance, as in they really don't have nearly what they think they do and nobody is going to change the mind of a three-hundred-kilo sapient who comes from a heavy gravity world without a rather large stick.

[Kris Overstreet]

10850211 Buck Godot is also the source of my favorite fake booze label:

OLD EVIDENCE WHISKEY
"All the Proof You'll Ever Need"

[Lurks-no-More]

"Kirin Beer: Gets Your Motor Running!"