RainbowShades
Joined 5th Jul, 2012 ·
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Normally I would say something about the chapters being way too short but with story the short chapters really emphasize the emotions in the story. It's a great portrayal and definitely plays at your emotions. Well done, I've liked and favourited and look forward to more.
Why did I read this I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pinkiehappy IT JUST NEEDS MORE TIME untill I will like it but good so far FAVING
This to me seems to be more of a diary rather than a legend, oh well. It is still pretty good but I found it a bit out of character for the mane 6 to reject derpy like that. I know that it was supposed to be sad but that felt like a forced tear jerker that left me asking why rather than actually crying, oh well again. I am aware that I am not the author so do as you please. It is your story after all and I can honestly say that I enjoyed the read. Good Work
Anyone notice in the cover art derpy is in the crowd of zombies perfectly fine?
This story is progressing along nicely, well written and well done. I look forward to more!
Awww poor Derpy
* hugs Derpy* 
Really short chapters but they do emphasize the feeling. I love it.
MOAR! I love this story!
I banged at the door with my eyes still wall-eyed from her dad's latest beating.
Shouldn't it be my dad's?
Wake is the wrong tense to use for the context. Woke would be better
Going to Zecora's for a remedy,"
You missed a " at the start there
975136 It's a good story, a bit of work here and there and it'll be perfect. So no more saying this is shit!
IT IS
have you realized were commenting on a public page...
975153 I do. I actually think if people see that you thought that way they might tell you the same thing I am. It isn't a bad story, it's a good one, and it has the potential to be great
Commas and apostrophes. Learn them.
Ah, still commas and apostrophes. And she would just call them "Twilight and her friends", I mean, its not like she knows they're the main 6 characters in a show.
5 eyes? Is one wearing an eyepatch?
"At least I had experienced pain and fainting before."
I don't like that line. It sounds...um...well, it sounds more like an author's line than a character's. Um, let's see, what could she say instead...I'll get back to you on this.
Perhaps, for dramatic emphasis, put all the words like Dreams, Hopes, Pathectic, etc. in Italics.
This was pretty good.
okay
and 5 SETS of eyes
missed an italic in there, and OH GOD STOP CHANGING TENSES!!
Past or Present tense, make up your mind!
OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ITS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD>>1017571
- I've never heard the idea of her eyes being caused by her dad and Twilight being able to fix them. That's a very interesting idea that you have implemented, nice job.
-Was Twilight reading or was she sleeping before she answered the door? I am a bit confused on that.
-I also like how you have portrayed Twilight. She is worried about her friend, but doesn't now what to do. In my mind, thanks to how you have her here, I am imagining that she is trying to decide what to do. Whether to talk to Celestia about Derpy, or her friends, or whether to keep trying. Very interesting.
-Although when using Twilight I would stay away from contractions like "c'mon". Maybe instead something like "Please, Derpy, I'm your friend."
-"Stupid of me right." might be better if put as "Stupid of me, right?"
-"My mother died after giving birth to me so I think he thought I killed her." Whoa. Wasn't expecting that. if you were trying to get us to Sympathize, it worked. Also, try adding a comma between "to me".
-"My dad was drunk all the time and liked to beat me. All the beatings to my head constantly left me wall-eyed." Once more, that's pretty powerful. Makes you stop and think.
-"The only thing that would ever comfort me was muffins." That was kind of out of left field. You mention muffins, and then don't talk about it. Why do muffins comfort her?
-"The only reason he is even alive is because he's living off the fortune one of my relatives gave me. Anyways muffins." Same thing with this line. That's really a big surprise. Holy cow, want to know more about this. Who are these ponies who left her money and why is no of the other relatives checking up on her. Also, change the "anyways, muffins" thing. I might leave that out, but that's just me.
-The line about her only living for muffins was a shock. Perhaps the parts about muffins could be in a whole separate paragraph, maybe put before she goes into the one about her inheritance.
-"As see the sun rising in the sky the only thought in my mind is this, "Why cant I have a normal life?" Is a strong line, but I would tweak it a bit to something like
"As I see the sun rising in the sky the only thought in my mind is one I have wondered for so long.
"Why can't I have a normal life?"
I enjoyed reading the first chapter. Normally I don't actively seek out and read sad stories or stories labeled "tragedy", but I found myself very interested in this one. I felt very sympathetic towards Derpy, the premise is interesting, the character portrayal is pretty good, and overall I like it. I will look forward to seeing where this goes.
From the comments above it seems that people actually do enjoy reading your stories. I count myself among those.
-It might be better if you reworded it as "I woke the next morning and quietly sneaked out of the library" (Although I do enjoy the word slink)
-I agree with the above reader. She would probably not refer to them as the Mane 6. Probably she would refer to them as Twilight and her friends.
-"Yes what?" Don't forget the comma
-I find it hard to believe that the Mane 6, especially Pinkie Pie, would tun her away just because she is not an element of harmony. It seems out of character for them to do something like that.
-Also Rainbow would have probably gotten a hoof t the face from any on of her friends if she had said that. A lot of people show her as not liking Derpy and being annoyed with her, which is fine, but even Rainbow dash would know not to be cruel.
- one of us.a' ---> "...one of us."
-" As I walked away my only thought was, "Why can't I be liked?" " I really liked this line.
You said that chapter two was not your most favorite chapter to write. I can see how it might be difficult. I would propose that instead of the Mane 6 you replace them with, say, the Mane 6 background ponies. That was readers will sympathize a lot more with Derpy and her plight. As a reader I sympathize with Derpy, but I find it a little challenging because I find it to hard to believe the Mane 6 would ever do something like that. Still, this chapter helped to d more to your portrayal of Derpy. I will look forward to reading the next one.
I'd like to point out how many views this has gotten and say how amazed I am. You said that you were unsure of your story, yet you have tons and tons of views. You also have fifteen likes. Sure, it isn't as many as some of the ones that are promoted on the site or on Equestria Daily, but that is still a lot. People really do enjoy your story.
- "Hurt at the world." I am no sure what this means. Hurt 'at' the world? Is she hurt because of the world?
-"Even Twilight who was one of the nicest ponies I know. Laughed at me." ----> "Even Twilight, who was one of the nicest ponies I know laughed at me."
-Still find it hard to believe Twilight would let her sleep in her house and then mock her and send her away. I think it might be a good idea to either have the background Mane 6 or to change it to something where she though twilight was laughing at her, but she really was not. This s your story, though, and I am not trying to force you to do anything.
-"I sat down on the street and cried. Hard." i like this line.
-"Maybe she had heart's desire to make all my problems go away." If Heart's Desire is a plant or potion or item it should be capitalized as I have shown.
-I like the idea that she knows Zecora. People don't use her enough. Nice idea to use her.
-"I knew at once what they were. Everypony knows." I really like this line.
-" ..5 yellow eyes staring at me through the thick brush." While I like the idea I would change it to either six yellow eyes or three pairs of yellow eyes.
-"I didn't even see when my right wing smashed into a branch." Ooh, tension builder! Nice!
-"I spiraled down and down my left wing still beating. I finally landed in some bushes. By now the Timberwolves have seen me. I backed away slowly. My right wing still hurting like crazy. Then I RAN." I like howyou are making this scene tense. Good job. A few corrections, though. Put a comma between 'down and down' and 'my' (down and down, my). Ran also does not need to be in all caps. We can feel the tension of the scene and all caps at that point does not add to it.
-"I ran like crazy all the way to the edge of the wolves looking back." Je ne comprende pas. I do not understand. She ran to the edge of the wolves? Or did she run to the edge of a cliff or the edge of a clearing, looking back at the wolves?
-" I was so focused on the wolves I didn't realize when I smacked my head against a tree branch." Does his make her pass out? If it does, let us know.
This chapter was full of excitement mixed in with a dash of sadness. I enjoyed reading it. Often times writers have a problem moving from one thing to the next. You don't seem to exhibit that. Also, I think that the shortness of chapters really adds to this. If they were super long at this point it might take away from what you are saying. For now the shortness is good, but later you may have something come up that requires a longer chapter. When that happens I think you will know.
Try reading all of the above comments other people have written. They are really good insights. Not only do they compliment the story, and the compliments are factual, but they also give you good ideas. Take a look at those and try and implement them.
-""Um where am I."" ---> "Uhm, where am I?"
-Fluttershy, to me, seems a wee bit too straightforward at the beginning. Try and work on that by adding some hesitation to her voice.
-"So what were you doing in the forest?" Now she was getting more personal. --- that part there the straightforwardness is good, though.
- Derpy just said that she wanted to fix all her problems and her life. Fluttershy would probably be showing worry and alarm.
-"Well you could have asked me. I have remedies for ponies too. So what do you want" try changing want to need.
-"Anyways you have to stay here because of that broken wing." Take out anyways and replace it with something else, such as: "Alrght, but you'll have to stay here because of that broken wing."
- "She was always just sweet, shy Pony." You forgot to add and 'a' between 'just' and 'sweet'
-"What a loser I was?" Could be better said as "Show what a loser I was?"
-Derpy (and you the author) hit on something that was confusing me during this chapter. Fluttershy was with them at the park, so why is she suddenly acting so nice?
The rest of the story I especially liked. Nice job on continuing the story. I enjoy reading this, and this chapter was just another exciting part in the series. Try and go back and make the corrections to the story that i have talked about as well as other people have talked about. I think you will find that doing so will really help your story.
AT first I was surprised at how many words were in it, but then I read the chapter. This is actually pretty good. It's sudden and unexpected and helps build sympathy for the character. Nice job.
Hey there. here's more on the story.
-"Finally when my wing is healed I decide to go home." could be better put as "When my wings finally healed I decided to go back home.
-"It was twilight and dark." could be better put as "It was twilight and growing dark."
-This is exciting. We finally meet the father figure! Good way to introduce him.
-"My voice echoed all around the house. It was around twilight and dark. I flip on the switch and find my dad sitting on a chair with a knife in his hand." You don't necessarily need to say twilight and growing dark again. As for the rest of it, I really like it. creepy, nice job!
-"You left me all alone. I was waiting. And then I realized I DON'T care." --> this, and the rest of the father's dialogue, is written very well. Nice job, it really helps the reader to side even more with poor Derpy's plight.
That end of the chapter was remarkable. It was very, very intense and then suddenly when everything seems calm, BAM! You hrow in Fluutershy's screams. Good job on this chapter.
Wow, very short chapter. But they are all pretty good so far.
-"I run towards her cottage ignoring the screams of pain from my wounds." Add a comma between cottage and ignoring.
-Jumping right into the action, nice. Also, I like how you've added character building in this chapter. Derpy risks her life to save her "only friend"
-"I pushed the thought to the front om my mind and thought," BUCK IT! I'm not going to lose my only friend." nice, but there is a small typo. Of, not om.
The way you ended this chapter was almost as good as how you ended the last chapter. Nice job on another good chapter. Don't get to discouraged, though. Lot's of famous books have had to go through hundreds of edits before they turn into what they are!
So many misplaced quotation marks
Wow, that was quite a plot twist. I was not expecting that. Nice job.
There are a few issues with quotation marks here and there, but that can be easily tweaked. There are a few issues with present tense, like how in the first paragraph it should be opened and saw.
I also like how you incorporated the picnic back in. You explained why they turned Derpy away, which I like. While I am still surprised they would act this way, I take back what I said earlier about changing the mane6. They and their not so nice behavior work very well with your story. Nice job on that.
A very interesting way to end the chapter. I enjoyed reading your story.
Heart warming story
Glad there was a happy ending, great story RainbowShades.
YAY
FOR DERPY 
derpy smiled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!