I run towards her cottage ignoring the screams of pain from my wounds. When I got there I saw a terrible sight. A raging fire was right next to her house. The cottage had a couple seconds before it would catch on fire. I peered through the smoke. Fluttershy was there. My only friend was going to die and there was almost nothing I can do about it. I pushed the thought to the front om my mind and thought," BUCK IT! I'm not going to lose my only friend.
"Derpy, is that you?"a strangled voice whispered through the smoke.
"Yes, and I'm going to get you out of there."
Without a moment's hesitation I leaped into the smoke. The sensation I felt was like no other. The smoke burned through my wounds. I went in and grabbed Fluttershy with my teeth. As I was almost to the edge of a clearing a I heard an explosion and a piece of charred wood went through the air and landed on me. The last thing I saw was Fluttershy.
Anyone notice in the cover art derpy is in the crowd of zombies perfectly fine?
that was beutiful
This story is progressing along nicely, well written and well done. I look forward to more!
MOAR! I love this story!
975136 It's a good story, a bit of work here and there and it'll be perfect. So no more saying this is shit!
IT IS
have you realized were commenting on a public page...
975153 I do. I actually think if people see that you thought that way they might tell you the same thing I am. It isn't a bad story, it's a good one, and it has the potential to be great
okay
and 5 SETS of eyes
OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ITS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD>>1017571
Wow, very short chapter. But they are all pretty good so far.
-"I run towards her cottage ignoring the screams of pain from my wounds." Add a comma between cottage and ignoring.
-Jumping right into the action, nice. Also, I like how you've added character building in this chapter. Derpy risks her life to save her "only friend"
-"I pushed the thought to the front om my mind and thought," BUCK IT! I'm not going to lose my only friend." nice, but there is a small typo. Of, not om.
The way you ended this chapter was almost as good as how you ended the last chapter. Nice job on another good chapter. Don't get to discouraged, though. Lot's of famous books have had to go through hundreds of edits before they turn into what they are!