No Raisin
Joined 27th Jan, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- SilentAuthor · 18k words · 295 16 · 5.5k views
- Synesisbassist · 4.9k words · 509 18 · 18k views
- Anonymous Pegasus · 4.2k words · 306 12 · 4.5k views
- Pusspuss · 10k words · 632 19 · 8.5k views
- Flammenwerfer · 8.2k words · 225 21 · 6k views
- Alcatraz · 15k words · 91 6 · 2.8k views
Featured In13
Clopfics11,551 stories ·15,817 members
- The Sci-Fi Ponies1,803 stories ·2,076 members
- Author Support4,373 stories ·2,070 members
NSFW3,939 stories ·1,376 members
Incomplete1,348 stories ·455 members
I Just Want a Comment15,721 stories ·3,674 members
Nurse Redheart175 stories ·647 members
Authors Helping Authors8,593 stories ·2,462 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.035 seconds
Total duration
789 users online
1,531,972 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Good stuff so far, do continue.
Off to a good start! I'll be tracking this from now on.
Parentheses really don't belong anywhere within quotes, or any character dialog, unless she is going to say parentheses. Might want to figure out other ways of communicating the information without them such as using commas or using other separators in sentence. From this clip, it looks as if Redheart is either speaking her inner thoughts out loud or they are inner dialogue that you didn't format as such. As an example of restructuring I'm separating, making italic, and also dropping the repeated word "yes".
Again with those parentheses.
Reads clearer when you replace them both with commas or nothing at all in the second quote.
Nitpicking now...
exes, she has more than one ex?
ex's, belongs to an ex
Not sure where the Death tag fits into this story-- although I suppose near-death due to the human's arrival counts in a vague way. But it is only the first chapter so I eagerly await what happens next.
Good story. Looking forward to the next chapters. Here are a few of the mistakes i caught.
I still have work to do
i'm sure it is
That's about all i could find.
8642006
8641933
Corrections have been made. Also, the "Death" tag will become quite useful as the story progresses. Not literal death (well, except for maybe one or two, but I won't spoil here) but more like death as a theme that will be recurring.
Good job on spotting those mistakes. 👍
As long as this doesn't devolve into just clop, it looks promising! Looking forward to it.
Well written and a pleasure to read so far, I'll be looking forward to more whenever it may come.
i like it but i would love it if i didnt already know where this was going to go like every other clop fic
Pretty good so far
8642619
There isnt a porn tag yet, so hopefully it wont focus on that to much.
8642797
yea its not that I mind that but i find that it can take away from a story if done poorly or theres to much of it
Funny, you'd think the report would have mentioned a puncture wound in the flank.
so... no involvement of the crown or mayor mare? i mean, i get a ship crashed. but one would think that higher powers would be mentioned.
also, i approve of redhearts nipple fetish.
This promises to be hilarious. Please, do continue
Nice.
Nice so far. Some moments kind of laid on the sex theme a bit too much, but it does have sex as a tag, so whatever.
Extra little o here for whatever reason. I love this story so far though, can't wait for the next chapter!
8643107
There was supposed to be an S in front of that. Got it.
Good start, really looking forward to more!
Also, Red has the best handling of reporters
moth13.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/what-is-a-man1.jpg
8643353
BUT ENOUGH TALK! HAVE AT YOU!
Out of curiosity, which series are you referring to, if any?
Lol, should be pus.
Off to a good start. Don't make the same mistake as so many others and put too many things between him and his relationship with Redheart. Give him a job, don't make ponies racist assholes, and don't try any assassination plans.
It always fail when people do that.
For you
8644461
Now that you mention it, that does seem to happen alot. Especially the racist ponies part.
8644478
Crashing this plane with no survivors?
good so far. looking forward to more
okay this was touching
This is going places.
very interesting. is this your headcanon for Mayor Mare? or is it in a comic? new episode?
calling the twist now-
i.imgur.com/Q7bxQ5Q.jpg
i am going to keep an eye on this ... i like how this story going
I had to read this twice to understand what you were trying to do with this chapter, the giant jump ahead in time is kind of jarring and I feel a lot of the information like him being in a plane crash should have been done in more detail earlier. Also a few things I didn't really get even after a second reading. Lines like why the town was in a funk and the whole 'whole county being suicidal' makes no sense at all to me. I really wouldn't throw out these rushed chapters in the future they don't really do the story justice and leave too little for the reader.
So plane flies and crashes in Pineville and he is the lone survivor. He is going to mental problems when he survivors gilt kicks in.
Are the mane six going to play any part? I like to see his welcome to Ponyville party
8645894
It feels like the author wrote half of the story down and kept the rest locked up in their head. There are gaps of information where it feels like we're just expected to know what's going on, and how the conversation got to where it was without any actual indications.
Reminiscing about the old times... how old are the both of them?
Then again, I tend to reminisce about the past and I'm not really that old myself, so I'll admit it was a hypocritical question
Still though, no wonder Jim believes that he died in that crash too. After all, what happened to him was statistically impossible, so it's easy to see why he would rationalize it that way, at least from the start.
So that's the 1993 bombing he means?
8646218
I thought he was referencing the September 11th attack. Seeing as he mentioned he would never see the towers again.
8646428
He didn't understand that the towers would soon be gone for good. He grew up in the years between the 1993 bombing and the 9/11 attacks. At a very young age he was led to believe things couldn't get worse, which they did.
... I see what you did there.
8646509
Ah thanks for the claification, Love the story to bits
Really enjoying this so far! Keep it up! :)
I get it. You got featured. You are riding that really good high off of getting this thing off the ground.
That being said this chapter was lacking, and definitely could have been extended. They could have talked about living arrangements, some cursory questions or even other things.
I say this because I want to story to succeed and honestly chapters like this don't contribute much.
Take your time. We are here. Do the best job you can.
8648130
I do agree that an "Interlude" chapter doesn't contribute much to the overall story, although I do think interspersing the "Part" chapters that will take up the meat of the fic with these smaller scenes that are more isolated in terms of plot chronology has potential to it. We will have to wait and see, given there is only one of each so far.
Fear not, fam, I'll take my time as things develop.
very big fan of this so far, if it keeps going in it's current direction i'll be a very happy camper. either way, keep up the great work!
8643974
Pretty sure it's Infinite Jest.
8648474
Yeah, right now it is completely normal that this doesn't make much sense. With that being said, you better have a good purpose for this in an upcoming chapter! I do not like to see things go to waste.
8645894
I agree with you 100%.
I was going to outline exactly what you said, but I found your comment before doing so. I hope the writer No Raisin reads your comment because that will certainly make this story developed better in the future. Just looking at the difference between chapter 1 and 2 is incredibly harsh, it jumps to a completely different scene without explanation much too abruptly.