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Guiding_Passion
She/Her Guiding Humanity to a Better Future, The Unicorn Magical Girl, Guiding Passion <3 Open your heart to others, and embrace a better world!
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Soooo...
These guys have honour?
Hey, Tristem. Would you mind if I add this to Schorl Tourmaline's Real Fall of Equestria Fan Group? Not sure whether to add this to the FoE folder or the Post-Fall folder though.
Also, do you think this would fit into Post-Fall as well? Into which folder would it go?
8257915
Sure you can. As for which folder strictly speaking it wouldn't fit into post fall since there will be no overthrow of the caribou in this setting, just a change in management so strictly speaking its more of a reinterpretation of Fall of Equestria, so I say it should go in the FoE folder, but not the post fall one.
I think these guys treat their females as precious treasures instead of disposable toys.
8257935
Thanks for your permission. It's about time we say a non-post fall story again. Glad to see something that's not about the caribou being outright destroyed again. I think that a good mix of stories is good for the setting.
8258026
No prob Schorl, anyway its nice to make your acquaintance finally Tarvoc has spoken quite highly of you.
8257935
Hmm. I don't know. It looks rather Post-Fall to me. It's overturning the old regime and replacing it with something totally different.
I'll be following, but I must admit I'm... hesitant.
Addendum: Sorry if my tone was overly hostile. I didn't mean to disparage your work. I rather enjoy the original setting (even if it has massive problems!) and I've come to be worried when stories set out to "improve" it. Not because that can't be done but because they often move away from the things I liked in the first place.
Addendum II: I have two quick writing tips for you, if I may. For one, you need to check again for dialogue not ending in a comma when it's followed by a variation of "said". You did that some instances and sometimes not. Staying consistent will help your readers!
Secondly, it's common to put a comma before the name when characters directly address one another. To illustrate why, here's a random example:
versus
In the first one, it's not clear if the speaker means to clean while Twilight naps or if he wants to clean Twilight. That way, your readers will know for sure what you meant!
8258304
Ah Derpsby its good to hear from you again. Its been a long time since I've last spoken with you, I hope you are well.
Anyway I understand your feelings Derpsby I well remember how much you love the canon setting. I will assure you "improving" the setting isn't my goal with my short story series, rather my intent is to create my own unique alternate version of the Fall of Equestria setting. I don't consider my version to be in competition with canon or any other version out there, let alone better or improved. I decided to do this because while I find the setting and idea intriguing I don't particularly care for the canon setting (It goes just a tad too far for my liking). Therefore I decided that if I didn't like the canon setting I should just create my own instead. That way I can reinvent the caribou, Dainn, and the fall however I want.
As for my story being Post fall I'm afraid I have to disagree with you there. Ultimately in this setting the caribou won't fall from power they'll just experience a change in management (and a shift in caribou/stallion cultural/social norms) the potential conflict will be a civil war not a rebellion or invasion. Because of this I'm not comfortable calling this a post fall setting, especially since even if there was going to be a fall it hasn't happened yet by the timeline point of this story.
Seems to me like the Ice Fang treat ladies more like a pet or trainer would their dog or pokemon, what with them trying to take care of them and protect them from any harm and try to have them reach their own potential....sort of.
8258636
Perhaps you are right. And to be honest, civil disagreements inside the regime are an interesting topic, even if I'm hoping it won't lead to one side quickly coming to dominate and dissolve the other!
Also, the Valkeria Guard sounds like a fun idea. Reminds me of the Third Mare idea in one inofficial FoE picture by Wishy Washy.
8259077
8257854
Don't be so sure. They're still planning to turn unwilling females into docile slaves through the use of potions altering their brains.
8261058
I know right. In fact its Wishy Washy's pic that gave me the idea in the first place. In fact my next short story in this setting is going to be about them, so if you want to learn more about them, stay tuned
SHOTS FIRED!
By the way, later stories should definitely expand on what constitutes "harm". Physical punishments, like spanking? "Light" torture that leaves no scars, like weak electric shots or breathplay ? Serious torture (very likely)? Does playing with their minds count as harming them, like the regular Caribou did with Spitfire when they chained her to a wall and poured love potions down her throat so she "loved" every rapist going for her holes until it went off? And what of cunt harming cunt? There's no provision for that.
Also, I wonder if the Ice Fangs are a different strain of Caribou. Their cows seem vastly more focused than that of the main ones. Perhaps that's part of the split between them, that the Stonehooves' cows are much less intelligent, more bimboish. There's precedent to something like that in Sci Fi settings like Warhammer 40K (Necromunda's Clan Escher) and Perdido Street Station (Kepri).
Oh boy a FoE Story. Time to down vote the shit out of it.
Jokes aside, the idea of group of Caribou disagreeing with the mainstream’s opinion of how to treat mares trying to overthrow Dainn sound promising. Especially since the Ice Fang’s aren’t the good guys but just a little bit more moderate.
That said, there’s a whole lot of contradicts the lore of FoE (not that there’s that much). Perhaps things are different in this setting but judging by this story alone the only difference between your story and the canon FoE is the existence of the Ice Fangs.
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So let’s start with the most obvious problem: The existence of the Ice Fangs.
They are a tribe of Caribou who allow women to work, fight as soldiers, don’t cut off their horns or bind their wings and even allow them to be free, albeit low-class, citizens. They are still misogynists but compared to the rest of the Caribou they almost come across reasonable.
While it’s not unbelievable that something like a “moderate” tribe of Caribou exists, it’s very unlikely that the other Caribou who share Dainn’s view would tolerate them. Each one of the things listed above is a Big No in the Caribou culture. Any stallion who would do something like allowing a mare to remain free would be imprisoned and then either reeducated or switched. A group of Caribou doing this are probably even worse, since they’re supposed to lead by example. To other Caribou the Ice Fangs would be race traitors.
Now if the Ice Fangs were a really powerful Clan that’s necessary to maintain control over Equestria I would understand why they get that much leeway. According to their backstory, however, they were recently defeated by Dainn and forced to swear loyalty to him to survive. Since Dainn doesn’t like anyone who treats females even slightly better than himself, he must’ve forced them to disband the Valkaria guard and reject their 6 truths. Dainn didn’t make any new friends that day but the Ice Fangs had no other choice than to play along. Then when the Cariobu took over Equestria and the Ice Fangs claimed Los Pegasus for themselves they basically said: “Screw the king!” and went back to their old ways of life.
Now I know Cariobu aren’t the smartest cookies, but pissing off the guy who almost annihilated your Clan, is loved by almost every other Caribou outside of your clan and has the largest military force around is a monumentally stupid idea. Dainn already gave them a chance and tried to teach them the “proper” Caribou behavior but they refused. At this point he probably considers them a lost cause and would simply destroy their Clan and switch most males except for the few he considers “redeemable”.
------------------------------------------------------------
The next problem is the Valkaria guard aka their elite strikeforce units. I’ve already talked about how the other Caribou would never allow women to act as warriors or bodyguards, so let’s focus on the other flaws.
Firstly, there’s the fact that these well-trained, highly skilled soldiers fight with exposed breasts. I mean it’s not like that there are any important organs in the upper torso any reasonable warrior would want to protect from enemy blows. No sir, the Ice Fangs sending half-naked women against full armed soldiers is a brilliant strategy. How could Dainn every beat them?
Secondly, I would love to hear the mental gymnastics the Ice Fangs use to justify why their elite strikefoce units who are consisting solely of females and even serve as bodyguards for their males are still inferior.
Thirdly, there’s the law that forbids cunts from hurting males. Before the invasion of Equestria, however, the mostly fought against the warriors of other clans who are 100% male. So they’re basically violating on of their holy rules by simply existing. Unless there are some loopholes I’m not aware of.
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And now after talking about the tribe and their Valkaria guard, I would like to point out the following scene which happened during the flashback.
Now in the FoE-Setting most stallion were corrupted by the Crystal Cook which turned them into supporters of the Caribou way of life. Since the Crystal Cook was created by Dainn and his followers the stallions would support his kind of misogyny instead of the Ice Fangs kind of misogyny. So a corrupted stallion wouldn’t ask a mare to accept a red collar. He would just rape her.
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Besides these things there are also a lot of other stuff that doesn’t break the lore but is still a tad bit unrealistic. Especially the behavior of the characters in the story.
Aqua for example gives in rather quickly. This stranger just tells her that his kind has conquered and enslaved all of Equestria and she almost instantly believe everything. Why doesn’t she assume that he’s just exaggerating or outright lying? And then, approximately five minutes later, she’s totally ok with becoming a stranger’s prosperity, humping said stranger and then every other stranger in the room. Was she a closet nympho before?
And she’s not the only mare to do that. Despite the fact that the invasion happened just an hour ago there seems to be a large number of mare rather eager to become sex slaves. I would make more sense after a few months once the realization that the Caribou will not go away has sunken in. But not right after it happened.
Sigurd is also far too trustworthy. Why would he tell a mare he just had meet about his plan to overthrow the king? That’s like asking to be betrayed. Not to mention that they put far too much thrust in their newly conquered slave. As Schorl Tourmaline has pointed out during her epic rant against FoE: The collar system is stupid. You’re basically assuming that a red collar will never every betray her master. The Ice Fangs even go a step future and allow their red collars to do important work. When Sigurd met Aqua he not only almost instantly revealed his plan to him, he also offered her a position that allowed her to work with dangerous chemicals. So a somewhat smart mare could easily pretend to submit will secretly working at a virus that could wipe out all Caribou. Or worse: make their dicks fall off.
Also Sigurd’s plan seems incredibly shortsighted. Getting rid of Dainn wouldn’t solve anything. He has two sons and a whole council that share his vision. Heck, almost all Caribou except for the Ice Fangs share his vision. Even the brainwashed stallions do. You can’t just replace Dainn, say “Ok stop beating mares.” and hope that everyone will fall in line. You have to change the way of thinking of almost everyone with a cock in the whole nation. No easy task.
But then, Sigurd almost choked because he thought receiving a blowjob during breakfast was a great idea and then proceeded to fuck a mare while see was handling potentially dangerous chemicals. So yeah, he’s kind of a moron. Just like you’re average Caribou.
------------------------------------------------------------
So I suggest addressing all the lore issues in future stories and come up with explanations for them.
The Ice Fangs should as a Clan should’ve something that makes them very valuable to Dainn. Valuable enough that he tolerates the way how they’re ruining things. Maybe the breed the best war beasts, maybe they have some extremely skilled rune masters, maybe they just produce a lot of incoming and prevent the economy from crumbling. Of course, he would still try to change their traditions but in a more subtle way. Maybe he supports the Clan members with a more traditional world view or he strikes a deal with an ambitious Clan member and helps him to gain more influence in exchange for him promoting Dainn’s position.
That would not only explain why the Ice Fangs haven’t been whipped out, it would also create some intern conflicts. Something most FoE stories completely lack.
As for the Valkaria guard: Maybe they 6 truths don’t apply to Non-Ice Fangs. That way fighting other males wouldn’t be a crime. Perhaps they even take pride in the fact that “Even our cunts are better warriors than the males from the other clans.”
I would also suggest that the exposing armor is just their ceremonial uniform and that they are wearing actual armor during the fight. I’m sure they could come up with a justifying reason for that, like it not being an honor but a burden they are willing to take for the clans or something stupid like that.
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Also please make your characters act less naïve. Don’t have Sigrun talk about his plans so openly. Don’t have the Caribou show blind thrust in a mare they’ve just met five minutes ago. They have a mare completely surrendering to their invaders after five minutes.
Trust me, this will only improve your future stories and make the world more believable.
Well at least as believable as a FoE story can be.
I sure how we're supposed to have an incredible suspension of disbelief about the mares actions, and you don't REALLY believe that all women secretly crave to be slaves. Because that's almost grosser than the real Fall of Equestria.
Might as well say it here- this situation would never happen in real Equestria. I'm not even talking about the caribou, just the reactions of the mares. People don't want to become slaves, BDSM aside (and even then subs should always be able to leave a relationship, so it's not real slavery).
Honestly, the way it's written makes me honestly suspect the author is letting his own thoughts shine through:
(Most) women don't want to be considered beneath men. Just... so we're clear
8430222
You should really take those words to heart, this is a work of fiction and its just a story, it has no bearing on what I believe in real life.
8430741
Honestly, thanks for the response.
I think I've been seeing too many disgusting blogs where guys really, seriously believe this crap, when before I thought it was too exaggerated for anyone to believe it.
Most stories give some reason for the mares submitting (like mind control, etc) so it stuck out to me that there wasn't anything like that, just purely that woman crave domination.
So yeah... glad to hear it really is just a fic! (I mean, I was already thinking that, this story just really rubbed me the wrong way)
8431111
No prob. Sorry my story rubbed you the wrong way.
We look forward to seeing what you have planed. Every story changes from time to time with future installments.
Pacing feels off. One of the things I've come to love about this setting is all the doubts that the characters have. Surely it would take a while to convince someone into slavery without brute force?
8504736
Lot of people have said that, and they are correct. Honestly I knew the pacing for how quickly Aqua accepted was incorrect, but since I basically wanted this to be a one-off proof of concept story I sped things up (and from what quite a few people have said I probably sped it up too much).
Then again this is also Aqua recollecting upon how they met and she accepted, could be her recollection is somewhat inaccurate and/or she remembers things how she desires to.
Write more.
I certainly enjoyed this chapter
.