- Member Since 23rd May, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 8th, 2012
SW1TCHBL4D3
Hey everyone! I'm a writer from Fanfiction.net but I thought that FIMFiction would be cool too! My user name is Switchblade in weird lettering.
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Good story concept there kiddo. But holy shit you're gonna get flammed like a mother.
Why you ask? Because:
1: Wall of text, double space paragraphs there chica, nobody's gonna wanna have to climb the chinese wall to get a glimpse at the story
2: Pacing. Introducing your main character, and having her BEING the chosen one instead of FINDING out she's the chosen one took a whole lot of suspense and mystery out of your story.
3: YOUR CHARACTER IS AN ALICORN.
me liky so i will watch and wait
.
Just to give you fair warning, your story might get flamed because of your character being a unicorn, your method of reaching Equestria is very cliched, and your character seems to be a "chosen one," an attribute commonly given to Mary Sues. On the other hand, your grammar is actually pretty tight and you've made the smart decision of not making this a conflict-free fantasy fulfillment which too many people seem to take nowadays.
What I would suggest now is longer chapters, and also, you mentioned that there are other humans turned ponies in this world. Flesh that out some in the next chapter; it sounds like a really important plot element. Keep it up.
P.S. If you're getting a compliment from Mr. Ignorable, you should consider yourself blessed.
855310
You have a fair point, thanks.
Well the weird spacing was only this chapter
Well, I had no idea how to end the chapter but the next chapter has more suspense
She's an alicorn for a reason. You find them out soon.
Thanks for the critique. :)
855686What Clail said!!
855721
Thank you :)
All of the nice comments and critiques mean alot
855350
Don't worry, I am planning to make sure Fire's life isn'y mary sueish.
I hate Mary sues too.
But I need to keep her alive too.
The reason she's the chosen one is that I needed a reason for CloudShade to want her to join with no rejections. And Prophecies are a cool story element in my book.
Don't worry, this is only the first chapter. Thing will get intense. (Heavy Gore, Death, Romance, Swearing, that kind of thing.)
856103 Just be careful. All of those things you listed should be used carefully and when appropriate, otherwise your story will turn tasteless and gratuitous.
a reference to warriors by erin hunter i am shocked it was a little too fast paced like this sentance and how its way too long.
855686 if theres more chapters then why does it say complete and i re read the last part ur practicly ripping off the first generation of warriors
this is a very good fic nice job
856311 Look, I love Warriors, but I used Fire Star as a name for a wolf character I would draw before I read Warriors. And read some of the other comments, I explain the prophecy. If I didn't do that this story would be crap. Think about it. It'll be like Fire has mind control to make CloudShade trust her.
856311 also, it says it's incomplete?
856139 I know, the romance is taken slow and is more realistic and less overused.
858735 okay u just changed it well when is your next chapter coming out?
and why is it rated mature?
856684 Thanks
858749 Well the gore is kind of sickening in some chapters and there MAY (not sure yet) be a clop scene. (Probably not)
ahh so wen iz nex chapter commin?
858772 2 days times the minutes it takes to keep answering that question.
So please don't ask.
Actually it may take a while since I started working on a oneshot.
858750 its no prob, this website can really hurt yah if your not careful but you did good
858848 I know, some guy posted a crappy oneshot and he got so much hate it was sad.
858875 yeah thats what happens, but the people who dislike my storys well... help me bake cupcakes
858885 lol
I see what you did there.
858922 yep...so you going to continue the story or does it end when she gets to safety with the other alicorns
858934 Yes, don't worry.
858995alright sweet, you know ive been woundering can writers ever have a cross over ive been woundering that for a while
859004 Yes, I read a story called Living The Dream and a few chapters are crossovers with another author.
I don't see how I can fit that in this story though sorry.
859021 really thats cool, oh i know i was just woundering
Hey there, Sw1tch!
This is actually not bad, and definitely better than most 14 year olds I've seen. I'll keep an eye on it.
One suggestion I have is that you should show us a bit more of what's going on in Equestria before you get the story rolling along.
What is exactly is Celestia doing that is so bad? Remember, you said "Equestria isn't a safe-haven. It is a living HELL." That's a really bold statement. Let us SEE how bad Equestria is.
Are there camera's and guards spying on everyone? Has Ponyville become a slum with run-down and boarded up buildings? Are "unpatriotic" ponies being publicly executed in the streets? Are the races being segregated? Are ponies having barcodes tattooed on their foreheads? Are ponies being forced at swordpoint to worship big golden idols of Celestia? Is Celestia using the sun to torch the countryside and turn Equestria into a fiery wasteland?
For all I know, Fluttershy and Lightning Strike could be part of some radical anarchist movement that's trying to dethrone the loving and compassionate queen.
I suggest you write a scene where Fire Star is exposed to something horrible, and discovers how bad Equestria is on her own, without simply being told that by other characters. Instead of having Fluttershy just tell Fire Star that Celestia is evil, show us some evidence of Celestia's corruption.
For example, maybe Fire Star sees the guards are shaking Fluttershy down for protection money, or arresting her for arresting her for being "unpatriotic."
Keep going!
860448 Thanks.
The next chapter -SPOILER- after a tour Lightning is sent to spy on the state of equestria for a few hours. Fire follows against the rules... Surely Fun will be had by all!
It's a great story concept and, to an extent, original. There are some convection errors as well as grammar issues but those are small. The big thing that got a hold of me was the style of the paragraphs. I seemed more like a structure to a poem then a chapter. I know some books and stories have this as an intro but it's only s paragraph to two long.
Other then that it's a great concept and hope to see more.
861533 Thank you :)
longer, so far the chapters seem rushed and doesn't contain as much character thought
865830 Okay,
Longer: 1
Shorter:0
867616
...........forgive my spelling
.
I am a horrible critiqe (or critic?) but this is unbelievably entertaining
Longer please
and great story everything was great just needs to be longer
873632 Thanks
875004
Longer: 2
Shorter: 0
LONGEEER
879695
Longer: 3
Shorter: 1
GAH you torture me.
880012 I'll torture you even more, want a cupcake?
903960 Yes, Rainbow Dash flavor please?
904239 ok
determinismsucks.net/archive/My_Little_Pony_-_Friendship_is_Magic_S01E04_-_Applebuck_Season-(n1290751015596)-(n1301305603201).jpg
904239 oh, and btw you screwed up the counter, it's longer: 3 : Shorter: 0 : :P
904302 Oh yeah sorry lol
Sweet. My weapon of choice would be...
ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61o%2BoyOYRWL._SL500_AA280_.jpg
Or
Diamond sword!!
912329media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3h5y9AxQR1r0gdzg.jpg
912329 SAFETY TORCH
Put it on your porch!
I love toby XD
first off, longer chapter second, it seemed like you randomized it a lil' too much and made it strained as a result. just my opinion though.
seriously this was good