Maple Sunset
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seems promising
This is a pretty bad ass first chapter man. Keep it up
I can't wait to be able to read past the next chapter.
If I'm thinking of what you are, an 'arrow holster' is called a 'quiver'
I may just have to follow this
ok i just found a litle problem :
You shut your left eye, and let go. You had been told that an arrow could go at least ninety metres an hour, but you knew that the arrow would strike the target before you could even blink.
I believe that i walk faster then that so my guess is that you meant seconde instead of hour, or kilometres instead of metres
Btw this story seem's great gonna read on.
me like but please continue
get you one bro
I thought I was the only one who saw that blue filly in the class dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png
826052
>Time set to a few years after the Nightmare Moon incident, just to make sure she's old enough.
nice. i'm liking this story even more by the chapter
You reached out a mane and ruffled her mane playfully, which went back to its original un-ruffled form, and she pouted. You grinned, “Well that’s good to know Archer. That’s good to know.”
You reached out a mane and ruffled her mane...
You reached out a mane
a mane
I hope you meant hand.
826191
Brain derped. No idea how I missed that. Thanks for telling me
very good.. go ahead..
You thought walking around with an arrow on your back made you look like Legolas from Lord of The Rings, but decided that Archer was right.
"Arrow on your back" I assume you mean bow.
Loving the story so far.
Sorry if I sound too much like a hater, but I am not. First of all I have never heard of a modern competition bow weighing 42 pounds (heavy bows can make you dreadfully inaccurate) in fact the only bow I have ever heard of weighing around 42 pounds is the scorpio balista. Another thing is what competition puts targets at 100 meters! Thats the standard range you sight in hunting rifles. Most archery competitions put targets at 30-40 yards. And finally what bow are you using because 90 m/s seems a little slow for any bow. Once again I am not hating on your story it is a good story. The thing is I am a hunter and I have shot three kinds of bows and none of them were like this.
828219
Thanks for the note, edited
828399
The only targets my coach's been telling me to hit are 30 and 40 metres with a 36 pound bow. *shrug*
everything was at rough estimations when I wrote that part of the fic.
To be honest, I am quite new to archery, so I'm not really that clear on a few things. I'm totally blind when it comes to tournaments
Thanks for the enlightenment though
Post more please! im enjoying this story alot. Can't wait till the next chapter
Rate: 10/10
829211
Considering how the mane six, who live independently but still seem to be in their developing years, are estimated to be around 16-18
I'd say Archer is 14 around this time, a still developing mare, like the mane six.
Your diction needs work and your narrative leaves much to be desired.
Keep trying!
You shrug. “Wait, did you take my gun?”
When Nurse Redheart looked confused, you mimicked the shape of a gun with your fingers. She nodded. “We had to take it to prevent any other unfortunate incidents should anypony get their hands on it. So it’s with us for the time being.”
*Whats with you chaps and hands!?*
She got back up, and cleared her throat. She took her holster off, and gestured a hoof at the carbon arrows. “These will be yours to use since I don’t use these that much. They’re pretty much too long for me.” She put the holster on the bed and went over to the seat she sat on yesterday. I nodded and took seven carbon arrows out, and put it into my own arrow holster.
*Ahem* 2nd Person Story, remember?
829276
Damn! How did I miss that
Anyway, thanks for telling me! Edited
829259
I'm all for constructive criticism, but this is mostly a useless comment. I like that you're being nice, but you really aren't helping him improve. Please give examples to the guy, show him what he did wrong and don't just say "You done screwed up, Boy!"
I know I make mistakes all over, I'm sure this guy knew he screwed something up before you commented. But I can never tell what and I'm sure he didn't know what. Otherwise he would have fixed it. That's what we need more eyes for. You obviously saw something that you had a problem with, please tell him! Like 825327 and 824949 . These are constructive.
Maybe he didn't do very good character development for "you". Maybe he focused too much on the physical and not mechanical. He doesn't know unless you tell him. Please be useful!
-------
As for the story, I don't read many of the second person ones. I usually find them weird. My only complaint is that it feels a little mechanical at some points, like this paragraph:
" Your phone screen lit up like a candle in a dark room, and you dialled 911. You cursed when there was no network coverage and your vision started dimming. You crawled over to the bulky corpse and took his Glock 17. You kept it in the arrow holster and crawled out the door. You turned around for a short moment to get your bow, and you sling it over your shoulder like hunters did in movies. You paused a moment, listening for any more potential intruders. The only sound you hear is the final breath of the man you just killed. Your dimming vision gets worse as your crawled down the dark hallway."
Every sentence is an action :Dialed phone. Cursed. Crawled and took gun. Put it away. Turned around. Paused and listened. Hear sound. Crawl down hallway.
Try to throw a few other observations or thoughts in there to break it up. Make sure that each sentence isn't structured the same. That's my bit of advice. Hopefully it's helpful. On to the next chapter!
Very good first chapter, it was interesting how you made the point about humans being afraid of the unknown but yearn for discovery which is an awesome observation. I'm pretty sure there is a name for that I'm gonna have to look it up. Anyway keep up the good work
It's building up interestingly enough. I'm still reading it.
You move a little fast into being friends with Archer, and sort of skip over a bunch of details in their relationship. I'm not sure what kind of relationship they have or how far it's progressed. There is surprisingly little dialogue and character development for Archer. I get that she's a good shot, happy to help, friendly, and shapely, but that's about all. You could have developed her a lot more in the first few encounters, especially since there aren't many Archer stories. Most of these things are built around attraction to a character, if you don't build the character than it's just mindless dirty clop. You took the time to write out back story, use it!
It's also still a bit mechanical, but It does seem a touch better than the last chapter. Or I'm paying less attention. On to the next chapter!
I'm enjoying it.
Everything is a little better this chapter. It's less mechanical, you have some character development and it seems to flow a touch nicer. I like that. There is still room for improvement, their relationship feels... rushed. Probably because you didn't work much about it into the previous bits. I found a weird tense issue:
"You had no idea how she had learned to make clothes so well, but one day, you vow to go to her boutique and thank her personally."
This whole story is past tense, but you threw in a present tense thought. The sentence it is in even starts as past tense. You could fix this by re-wording it to past tense somehow, like "but you vowed to one day go to her boutique and thank her personally." There are a few different fixes for this. Be careful about tense in stories, it can get difficult sometimes.
I'm still reading this, and enjoying it. It's no masterpiece, but it's entertaining. I always like to throw in constructive criticism where I can, so don't take my comments too hard.
824905 Dude I love your profile pick! Just to epic
Awesome chapter!
this story is very good and cloppy dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png
Decent, but honestly there are a ton of mistakes in this chapter.
The most distracting one is tense, and I'm tempted to go back and look at your previous chapters to see if there were more tense mistakes. You constantly switch between present and past tense for your sentences in this chapter. The story needs to stay in the same tense, at the very least for each scene. I started pulling examples when I found them, but there were too many for me to get pull without copy pasting huge sections of your story. It became a constant problem. Here is an example:
"You grant her entry, and her tongue slides into your mouth."
Shoulda been "You granted her entry, and her tongue slid into your mouth."
I'm not going to go over every one, there are a ton.
The next problem was when you were trying to describe things, you would often contradict yourself. Example:
"She had a weird taste, a mixture between vanilla and raspberries. It wasn’t all that weird, and actually tasted rather good to be honest."
This wouldn't be a problem if you replaced the second weird with "bad" or something. This is like saying "She was blue, but she wasn't really blue." It's confusing to the reader trying to imagine things. Here is another example:
"The heat of her pussy was great, albeit in a good way"
This is sort of the opposite problem in the same way. You set it up to be a contradiction and then make it not. This wouldn't be a problem if your replaced "great" with "intense" or "burning" or something like that. This is like saying "She was blue, but she was also blue as well." It's confusing to the reader.
Last example of this, but still the same problem:
"This kiss was much more arousing compared to the earlier kisses, but nevertheless it was still doing its same job"
I have nothing to underline. You basically said, "The kiss did it's job well, but it did it's job." This is another confusing and disorienting sentence. You might re-organize it to say "The kiss did it's job, and it did it's job well." Example: "The kiss was doing the same job as her previous kiss, however this one was much more arousing." I don't like this sentence much, but It at least makes sense. I'd probably re-write the sentence entirely to something like "This kiss aroused you to greater heights than her previous oral attention as it graced your lips with its passion." This could still be a better sentence, maybe shorter and more to the point, but it still gets the job done. There were a few others, I don't remember and didn't copy them. I'm sorry!
I've got one last issue:
"I chewed on the cake slowly, much like earlier, once more taking in the taste of the cheesecake"
Maybe it's supposed to be "you". Also, writing advice! Replace "taste of the cheesecake" with something like "its delicate and savory flavor." Why say cheesecake again when you can say something more descriptive and less repetitive? It makes the story more fun to read, and gives the reader something else to hold on to in their mind.
I'm still enjoying this, but the errors in this chapter were really distracting for me. Again, I'm pointing these things out to help you improve, I think you could do well. If you like getting this kind of review, you should thank that guy who posted the useless comment about your diction and narrative. I probably wouldn't have put in as much effort if that hadn't mildly upset me.
829713
Aye, that sure is a lot of mistakes. I'll try and go through it in after sleep. Writing this was a bit confusing for myself too because I was caught between using Past tense and Present tense.
Anyway, thanks for the constructive criticism. Nopony's been more detailed so far, so...yeah
now im expecting hybrids
that is if your sticking to the way genetics are
828455 36 lbs is probably the draw back so that means you're shooting a recurve bow now I am on the same page.
830278
An anthro pony?
830330 in a way yes i tried to find a decent pic on Google but the majority is R34 stuff *shudders* not that i have anything against that its just sometiimes it ................creeps me out
EDIT: not to mention this is the first fic where i have seen a 'tailjob' in it
Good, very good in fact. I feel their relationship will last for every, can't wait until the competition
830278
>genetics
Lolwuuuuuuuuuuuuut
Logically speaking, it's not really biologically compatible
But hey, its a fiction so I guess anything can happen, right ?
831380 RIGHT screw genetics make way for the hybrids
What is up with ponies looking so DAMN similar ?!
832153 encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTe8uN-08dJl6shA2-6t0AjHgDnD5O4F6VR8Z9GZQYgPVQMWG9QLQ
Not bad. Nothing too amazing, but I can say that it's neat for what it is.
Thanks for writing, have a like and a comment saying you did a good job
What the buck happened here?
One chapter they're training and heading to Canterlot, the next they're bucking each others brains out. Still, first actual clopfic I've read on this site. I've read one other that had hints to a clopfic but wasn't entirely one itself. Still, keep up the good work man. On an unrelated matter I must now go do something over there for the next half hour.
Hmm, there seems to be a couple of shifts between 1st and 2nd person viewpoint in this chapter.
847281
Do tell me where. I need to edit it later lol
I've noticed there are a lot of shifts between 2nd and 1st person but other than that i absolutely love this story though i do advise some revisions
I am writing one about me (My pony-sona, not ME me) with
. It is in a note book, and I haven't typed it up here yet. And I must say I am very jealous. 
In my clopfic, the dialogue is awkward, the foreplay (When there IS foreplay) is boring and unimaginative, and I suck at description. And I can't make the story last. YOU can. DAMN I wish I was a better writer. 
ARCHER YOU'RE MY NEW FAVORITE BACKGROUND PONY
DAMN SON! That was one long ass chapter!Have a moustache!
Good chapter.
"The taste of her saliva mixed with the cat made it all the more delicious"
I must say good sir! That cat mixed with saliva was quite exquisite.