- Member Since 6th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 5th, 2019
Freakxander
A man that likes his cars and stories.
Freakxander
Joined 6th Apr, 2013 ·
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This story (in my opinion) is certainly different than the rest of human fics I've read. Hopefully this turns out to be a great story!
Oh! And keep up the good work.
I like it.
7335816 I've read a few of this type before and what you will enjoy is the moment in the story when they meet.
The first chapters usually consist of the Mane Six or whoever is looking for the person and the person/people are just doin what they do.
But when they meet, it is amazing how the story picks up wonderfully from there.
Weather the meeting is good or bad (good being they meet, are friendly, and trade information on their worlds. Bad being ponies trying to capture or kill the person/people)
I tried writing a story like this, but was hit by writers block after the second chapter and haven't done anything for about 2 years.
It's hard writing the Mane Six.
You have my intrigue.
I'm intrigued. I'm keeping tabs on this.
The only thing running through my mind after reading this is BITCHES BE NOSY!!!!!
Hmm. Could use an editor if possible (there are FiMfic groups to help), but there's no major issues besides some missing or funny punctuation. Concept seems interesting enough. Implementation needs work and I sense you're either quite young or new to writing, but such can be improved over time as you build up on practice. Needs more subtle details to make it feel more alive.
I will watch and see how this pans out for a couple chapters. Hope you can keep me interested.
I'll see where this goes.
One thing though, you are over explaining the actions of the characters. Example: Pinkie greeted her happily "Hi, Twilight!" She said with her happy cheerful tone.
Only one of these are needed, and at the end of the statement is where it should be. unless you're explaining the actions without them speaking. Example: "Hi Twilight!" She said with her happy cheerful tone. Or: Pinkie greeted her happily.
Hope this helps.
I like the idea of this story, but an editor is needed.
7337116 Thank you, I'll keep this in mind. I really do appreciate your help.
Seems very straight forward and rushed.
i like it
Well holy shit!
A story about a crime fighting human who isn't some gas mask edge fag!
Way, way too much telling and not enough showing. Flow feels rushed and there's lots of disconnect in the character interactions. Why didn't Twilight or Rarity try using their magic to unlock the door or otherwise escape? They all seemed to just give up on getting out almost immediately. Celestia doesn't seem to feel right at all. Still very much lacking the subtle details that bring scenes to life.
Smells like new writer in here.
Once celestia showed up everything in existence was cringe.
It's not "walking by theirselves," it's walking by themselves, or herself, or himself. Reflexive pronoun form uses the objective pronoun (me, you, him, her, it, us, them) combined with the word self or selves. Just thought you'd like to know.
celestia seems a little out of character
7340037 I must agree. She is getting too paranoid because something is smart as one of her guards, which is not a proper reason to go ballistic.
7340217
7340037
I don't know I kinda like it, but I can't tell if she's being paranoid or just excited. And before you mention twilight's worry i'd like to point out she worries anytime her mentor acts differently.
i like the idea of the story but is does seem rushed and celestia was out of character and why go right back to where they were just caught and not set up a fake robbery or something like that to capture him? or why not a Aiden P.O.V. chapter? your still early in and have lots of room for improvment so the story isnt bad just needs work.....also why did you have to explain how each character agreed to go and not just use that space for more story a bit repetitive but other than that good work i look forward to more chapters
A few typos here and there, and an OOC Celestia but I don't really mind OOC characters, since fiction and all that...
Aiden=Irish/born of fire/firey/ little fire
7341703 Reveal: Chapter 2- Meet Aiden
7338862 Yup, I had horrible timing. The next chapter will have less things to cringe at.
7339325 Nice, I'll keep that in mind.
Not another inexplicably skilled "human protector from the Everfree" story with OOC characters. This story has nothing to distinguish it from the dozens of other stories with the exact same premise. It's got rushed dialog, cringeworthy lines, very OOC Celestia, rushed plot, and numerous other problems, so it doesn't exactly make up for unoriginality with execution either.
YAY!
Wow, that guy has the personality of angry boiled shoe leather.
Nope really I was ok with this all the way until now
7347329 Noted. Chapter is being rewritten.
My vacation is over now, so you guys can now expect a solid chapter from me. While I was away I gave a few of my friends some chances at writing a chapter, but it didn't turn out so good. I noted all of the improvements that I needed from the prologue. Chapter 2- Meet Aiden is in development and I think you guys will enjoy reading about how he goes about his average day life in, Equestria. You guys will also have a section where it will explain, Aiden's background.
This guy means business.
The plot is lackluster so far but the story has a semi-ominous vibe and seems to progress quickly so I am intrigued.
7353833 Thank you for the feedback. The main story and highpoints have been written and planned by me already, but now I am going to slow the roll so I can let the reader (you) be more attached to the main character. I am actually glad that you came now and not sooner, simply due to the fact that while I was on vacation I was letting a few of my friends handle the first and second chapter, unfortunately that did not turn out so well, I'm currently re-writing the second chapter (Chapter 2- Meet Aiden) and I hope to have a positive feedback! I'm glad you are here to join me on this adventure, and in the future if you see something that you wish to see happen then please let me know, so I can happily take your suggestions into consideration. Enjoy!
Welp, if he joins the royal guard then i'm gone. I like the idea that he does things his own way. Him joining the royal guard would just ruin it.
7363772 I guess we'll have to see.
7336681 But they have snouts, not noses
Why do I have this nagging feeling that Celestia is going to do something stupid?
7364046 The next chapter will be out soon, so we get to see how things go.
for someone who wanted to ease into revealing himself that was a pretty quick easing into but i digress so yeah story definitely needs work but better than the last one also ehy would he explain his backstory to himself like this "And that's pretty much what happened. It's not a detailed explanation, but it's just a quick summary." Aided talked to himself while holding the rod "After that, I woke up here, near someones car." its kinda like hes breaking the fourth wall talking to us i think this would be a more of a flashback kinda thing where he comments something funny or sad instead of saying that's how it went down. One last thing i agree with MuzaWaza it would kinda suck unless he had his own thing in the guard
7364417 ok
The character isn't original, nor good.
The pacing is terribly fast.
And the story doesn't feel original either.
Together, this all makes this story very mediocre.
I was expecting him to keep himself concealed for a little longer (as in at least half the story), and have more conflict between the ponies, and him.
The cover also made me expect that.
I understand your'e new. I just feel i have to give critique, so you can improve, and make something interesting, and worthwhile.
7366810 I appreciate your honesty.
I still like it
7370014 Thank you! That's kind of you to say.
Very nice story, however the pacing could be a bit better.That's really my only complaint. Hell, it's hardly a complaint, as it's not a very significant issue. Keep writing, mate!
I wounder what will happen next keep up the good work update more on this story soon please
let him sleep so the protector awakes is this multiple-personality disorder