Deep below the catacombs of Canterlot castle lies the crystal caverns where the most greediest of unicorns go in search of power and gems, but as legend goes that any who enter never come out. Just below the surface is a long and forgotten city of towering black structures which have lain dormant for many millennia, but recent disturbances caused by diruptive forces and a new found hate the forgotten city slowly awakens to counteract this new foe, this.......Love.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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EMPEROR ABOVE
THIS SHOULD BE FUN
Cool, however a peice of advice. I found this story very hard to read, there were many times when I wasn't sure who was talking. Whenever you have a dialoge text, you want it in a new paragraph, like:
"What are these things?" Twilight asked.
"I don't know." Celestia responded.
It don't have them in the same line. Aside from that, and a few minor grammatical errors (mainly lack of capitalization in some places that would require it.) The dialogue being a new paragraph is the main problem. I will defiantly be tracking this, the premise looks great.
Okay, I don't have time to tear this all the way apart, so we'll go with just a couple glaringly obvious things.
First, capitalization
Take 30 seconds, scroll through your story, and start each sentence with a capital letter. Then, go find all the names and capitalize them as well. It is physically painful to read your story at this point.
Second, this :
"(quick note: I'm just going to go ahead and say the characters names and not bother describing them we all know who they are so we don’t have to go beating around the bush because we’re too lazy to remember what they look like.)"
Just take your story down, then. You clearly don't want to actually bother -writing- it, so why should anyone else bother reading it?
The dialogue seemed out of character or forced, and nearly everything wasn't properly capitalized.
918775 yeah i did go through and try and find as many problems as possible but i was tired also i did go through and try to find out all the confusing bits that one must've escaped me
918975 thanks for all the criticism at many stages im writing this as a trial and use the comments to better my writing skills, also capitilasation always escapes me as much as i try to root them out, also i will add the descriptive parts if it will please you and so it will get others off my back and instead of saying how shit it is try and help me if not then you can go **** yourself (note if your going to act like a dick expect to be treated like a dick)
919029 yes i know im getting others to give me a hand for the next chapter as well as redoing this one once i get enough feedback
Well it's back i've now fixed the many errors, well as many as i and my friends could find and i hope to see better review on this story before i continue it
I am curious why this suddenly became mature. . .
978872 it shouldnt be mature it should've been teen since nothing truly graphic has happened i will change it right away thanks for your keen obsevation
i thought necrons couldn't talk?
1011821 they can just not much because their souls and what not were put in their necrodermis body but had a nasty side effect leaving them emotionless slaves but only Phariahs, necron lords and flayed ones and maybe a few others contain a small sliver of their consciousness, also they talk in the Dawn of War series but this particular necron lord talks to much.
1013297 oh yeah...i forgot they could talk in dawn of war soulstorm
you.... are a beautiful person [sheds tear or pure joy] thank you
1038263 No thank you........... i guess?
oh and pretty much all necrons but the basic warriors can talk. even the immortals though their speech is limited to things related to battle. things like lords, overlords and cryptechs retain near full personality a few million years does tend to leave hardware in a bad way i got this info from the updated codex so i know it is good
1038324 thanks for sharing that i just thought it was just necrons that are higher up in the necron food chain that retain the personalities its better that some talk and dont just buzz like in the games so now i can add more necron charecters
the necron lord seems....tame...mercyfull...he is a spy!
1042349 he has his reason for being tame the next chapter will explain why he is here and why he is the way he is
1042405 fair enough....wait...are you gonna bring in the nightbringer and the decever...or however you spell it
1042516 The Deceiver, and i might be inclined to add them both but they do play a part in the lords 'docile' nature
1042580 isn't the nightbringer the necron the machine god of death?
1042772 death, destruction and fear basically he is the grim reaper since he placed fear in humanity but the machine god is The Void Dragon the C'Tan beneath the sands of mars, but i wont add him for that reason and i wont add The Outsider because one T.V.D. is on mars and T.O. is not even in the galaxy
1043025 ah right thanks...i wanted to know since i don't collect them
1045278 neither do i collect Dark Angels
1047912 bah! puni humie
1048185 better than chaos or tau
1048348 not betta than da orkz!
1048498 True
1048769 dark angels are space marine right?
1050718 yeah, they are the first legion
1043025
I run a Necron army and I want to say a few things. The Nightbringer was the Necron god of death. With the release of the new Necron codex, most of the Necron history has been changed. The biggest change was, the Necron betraying and defeating the C'Tan. The C'Tan that survived the betrayal where left shattered and imprisoned in Tesseract dimensions by the Necron Overlords. Overall this story has potential and an interesting premise.
1183541 i know, as much as i like that the necrons arent as black and white as they used to be, but i still loved the souless legion as it used to be. THANK YOU MATT WARD!
Although if I read the codex correctly, the rank and file Necron warriors are still the undying ranks of the souless dead that we know and love.
1183608 at least the new units are something i can look forward to when i finally get around to build my necron army
...a necron that...won't kill...well....now the imperial guard are more scary now....
Glad to finally see another update, but while reading it most of the dialogue seems rather forced.
1261627 yeah, i needed to get the chapter out. later i will try and make dialogue flow better
since your the first necron/MLP:FIM allow me to honor you the infamous necron dance
K, love the story so far, but a few suggestions.
1. BREAK UP THE SENTENCES! Seriously this whole thing is like a big run on sentence about necrons and ponies.
2. Identify who is talking. This will help a lot.
Do that, and this story will be magnifique.
BTW, is that a necron overlord at the end? Im not sure.
1609601 Thanks for the comment i will be sure to redo this chapter or whatever as well as when i get around to finishing the next one.
And no he isn't a Necron Overlord.
1609601 the cloak is a dead give away
1300503
you do know you were 1 letter from lolicron XD
that and i'd love to see someone do "Assholetep in Equestria"
1609601 Oh, well this is awkward.
2471822 I also don't need to be insulted by you 'criticism' you inconsiderate ass.
on a further note and i'm only going to be saying this once, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT STOP READING IT!
I haven't got time to be worrying about editing a story i was writing for fun.
2474964
There seems to be a misunderstanding between us. I like this, I really do. And I apologize if anything offended you. I will delete my comment now. But you actually scared me away, which is something that only happened once before. I will leave my upvote/like/whatever you want yo call it, and be on my way.
2475501 Nah I was being a bit touchy since i don't take criticism very well (good or bad) i really don't have the time to make any adjustments because of school, I was going to redo some of the chapters but got pulled away from it due to work.
Plus i haven't been in the best of moods because a friends family member died and i've been trying to cheer her up.
I really do appreciate the comments.
THIS IS 2 FUCKING SENTENCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2497777 you mad?
and the fact that this has been brought to my attention now and that nobody else commented on it makes me wonder how much people are paying attention.
I should really put this on hiatus, I'm kinda getting tired of people raging on a story that i haven't got time for at the moment.
Still awaiting update
Oh my christ.
I just achieved 99 climbing from reading that.
In all seriousness, shorten your paragraphs, and I still gotta say that this is horribly edited.
I could maybe help you edit it if you wish?