Kane and his brotherhood have fought for years to finally ascend to his world of "nod". Kane does this with ruthless fighting and almost annihilating the GDI forces. The brotherhood finally ascends into his precious world of Nod to find it populated with ponies. Kane wishes to take this world by force with his Tiberium fueled army and spreading his glorious Tiberium across Equestria. GDI has other plans though. GDI forces attempt to destroy Kane and his brotherhood once and for all! But at a cost... How many Equestrians will die defending their peaceful world? Will Celestia protect her subjects? Or will Kane and the Brotherhood stomp out all life and claim the world as his own with his futuristic army?
(Note: This is my first fic and I hope everyone enjoys it as I will work really hard on it! I love C&C and I love Ponies!)
This is a very promising idea in theory, and the character backgrounds seem pretty nice.
At the same time, the writing needs tons of work. You have loads of wall of text paragraphs with lots of very dry, mechanical sounding "He was" / "He would be" / etc. type language. There's a gigantic load of backstory before the story proper begins. I understand why you'd want to do that, but as a reader it just creates this jarring sensation and a lot of people will just click away or even give you downvotes because they hate reading a big load of descriptive back-story before they even read the thing.
Yes, I know that this is the 'prologue', but most people will expect the prologue to be written in more of an 'action-y' way. And you need to watch grammar rules as well as, most importantly of all, the 'new speaker means new paragraph' rule.
A story focused mainly on my favorite faction? Thumbs up. Oh, and go with what SwipertheFox says, as he knows a lot about writing. Try and throw some action in there. But anyway,
The opressers must die!
Down with GDI!
On my must read list
Please include LEGION or CABAL, plus Nod rules. Kane Lives In death!
990875
yeah bro! LEGION = BADASS.
although, Steel Talon is best faction.
Welcome to the C&C brony community. Your story has been added to my group. I will read it later.
Silver out!
Keep 'em commin
I love the idea for this story but your writing and your grammar just makes me wanna
This has A LOT of potential. But I suggest getting a prereader and make sure you're not rushing the plot because I saw that you did that on a few occasions. Also, the dialouge is...OK but could be better.
The idea for the story itself however, is rather good and I would like you to continue this!
So far, I would give this a 68% which is passing but needs work.
Don't get discouraged, just take the criticizism and use it to help you.
For this reason, I can't give it a thumb up but I won't give you a thumb down. I am neutral at this point.
That should be motivation for you. Show me something!
Silver out!
OH MY CELESTIA!
a fanfiction about my favorite game!
instant fav!
So Kane came from Equestria? Where does the Scrie (or how the fuck you spell that) fit in then?
Seeing as how Boyle is still in charge of GDI this must be a spin off of the bad ending for GDI in C&C3.
Finally a tiberium universe C&C fic.
We need more tiberium universe fics, its always red alert.
I demand lots of mammoths tanks! LOTS. OF. MAMMOTH TANKS. and juggernauts.
This needs a Crossover tag.
991424 Oh, I almost forgot that tag. I will change that now!
Hopefully when I get the time I will be able to fix all my mistakes. Thanks for all the positive comments though, I had originally was just going to do this to see how much work these take. ( I was curious) I definitely will be able to fix these first few chapters and hopefully get much more words in each chapter later.
KANE LIVES!
This fic is hilarious, i'll be honest its kind of poorly written but i am loving it so far!
Hopefully next chapter has some more awesome NOD action
-reads description-
HOLY CRAP!
Ok, I was able to fix a few things. Now I have a 4 hour drive ahead of me. I also found out I will only be gone for about 3 days then hopefully I will be able to get a 4k word chapter! It will be called "Contact!" at that I depart. Off to party's and such!
( On a side note. To show that the ponies are not out of this conflict one of the Mane 6 may die. I leave that up to you readers to decide if none should die or which one? Leave the name of the one you think should die :OR: if none should die at all or just yet.)
991342
(and it's spelled as Scrin)
they are changelings
Aw Yeah! I was just thinking of this idea yesterday. And here I happen to switch to FIMfiction and find this now
Looking forward to reading this.
img.ponibooru.org/_images/bcae5db7bcb6976f0129372d3ef0b43e/67663%20-%20NOD%20artist%3Achaos-theory%20command_and_conquer%20flame_tank%20twilight_sparkle.png
Cause Nod Twilight is best Twilight.
Anyways, what can I say that hasn't been said?
An excellent idea, but needs some work...
Im still going to watch this while giggling like a little schoolgirl though.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
991760 ah... makes sense.
991923 twilight is best flame tank!
I am not with the Nod so I am just going to say this. "Roll over them, commander.". Nice story despite is a little fast is very nice and you used Tiberium Wars which is equaly as great. Can't wait to see the Mammoth Tanks and Firehawks in action. Also bring a M.A.R.V. that should even the scores.
The writing needs work, but the idea is definitely there. Get an editor (or more than one) and have them go through your writing, it should raise your quality considerably.
990891
Yeah they use proven weaponry. Besides they still have walkers!
ts4.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=4580720733454439&id=78503c9dcec94d842c7b62008b26371a
Send in the Titians
Listen to the screams! Listen, that is the sound of your extinction.
Nothing can beat CABAL's badass voice of pure evil.
Legion only talks in C&C 4 and it doesn't hold a candle to CABAL.
Ok, the writing itself isn't that bad.
However, there were a couple things that are little quirky about this story.
Kane's dialogue seemed a little funny to me. It just...didn't sound like him I guess.
Also, the whole assault on the Griffins didn't make sense either. I mean, why would they mass an assault force and send them in when they were just planning to nuke it the entire time. Also, you tend to move really fast and skip through scenes without really explaining them.
I love the idea for this story. How can I not love a C&C/MLP crossover? It's very fun and action-packed...but there really is no plot or storyline really. I'm NOT saying that's bad, because you can just write a fun story without one but...I don't know man, maybe it's just me.
It's not a bad story, there's just a few things about it that just feel...out of place. Quirky, you know?
Hey, it's better than the my first story! Mine was just plain terrible! ...I can't believe that was only a year and a half ago!
Silver out!
1014154 The main reason I made Kane all I guess "chilled out" because he is at peace with himself. He had to put up with all those wars to finally leave. He will become like good ol' Kane again soon so don't worry! Wait until he finds out about the GDI. Also about the nuke thing. It was just in case they were overrun. John got a little cocky and decided to launch the nukes.
I want to see some mammoth tank goodness.
I was grinning with glee when juggernauts and firehawks came through!
I guess he sent the large force to initially wipe out the capitol but decided to cut straight to the nuclear option instead!
Also it's your story and all... but ain't it kind of odd for Nod to not bring stealth tanks? (I guess they could build em)
Burn!Burn!Burn griffons Burn!
sorrry i got a little carried out
Scenes changes really quick... a bit too quick too. We go from one scene to the other, and then after merely minutes, we come back to where we was. Try to stay with one character all the way (like for example, stay with John from the base right to the attack and then go back in time and tell the same story from Celestia's side as she witness the nukes). I understand the story has to be fast paced since it's an action story, but slowing down the speed a little and describing more what's going on would make the story feel more immersive and far less confusing.
Like for example, you could have actually described the venom aircraft in question or the cities where the action was going on. I do understand this story is meant for fans of both MLP and C&C. However, even for them, it makes it hard to imagine the surroundings and the environnments if you don't describe anything. Just take the gryffin, for example. Was it at the bottom of the canyon? Was it on the high walls surrounding it? At one point, i thought the base would be hidden at the bottom, but then you said that Gilda and John could see the capitol nuke going off, so i got confused a little. Speaking of the capitol, where was it? I pictured it was up north in the mountains or something, but since you don't actually describe it, there's no way to know where it is.
Oh well, it's only the 4th chapter, we'll see how you make it turn out. I like the C&C story, even though i did'nt play the 3 first Command & Conquer game. Only played the 4th that i really liked. Loved the new MCV centered gameplay.
1014425 Don't worry they will build more Nod goodies later!
1015587 The next chapter or maybe even two will be very descriptive. It will also finally have more parts for the Mane 6.
1016511 Good to hear
Fucking finally someone is smart enough to think of this
but really good job
this is great i thought i was going to have a heart attack from all the suspense and drama and action
Sorry on the delay for the next chapter, I will have it out soon.
Okay, somebody have to send the 15th GDI Mechanized Division.
Nightscar why you so evil? NOD was never this bad in the games.
Kane is our saviour
Error error the tiberum universe is connected to the soviet red alert 1 ending... iirc
1029795
So it means Nazi Germany never existed cause einstein killed hitler before his rise in power, so this means he can´t have a great grandfather who was a nazi?
1029986 Correct my fine sir.
It could be corrected with a quick fix of making Daniel of Russian decent and fixing it so his his grandfather and the others with AK-47s finished off the tank crew.
1030006
Yes that would make sense to me too since there still was the alternate ww2 fought between soviets and western allies during 1946-1953.
I'll have to agree with 1029795 and 1029986 . This needs an edit to be coherent with the C&C Universe.
I will make it Russian decent time for some editing magic! (I had almost forgot about that. My mistake, just been so busy lately I guess I wasn't thinking straight.)
Fixed! It never happened!
Very interesting, but I lack the feeling the Nod will use MARV's after all they have The Reedemer for that. But I have a question I don't think Redmon Boyle could still be director he was in the year 2047 (I think) and Kane left the planet in 2077.
1034673 This is an alternate ending for C&C 3.
1034729 My bad
I am sorry since I heard where Kane ended. I thought about the end at Tiberium Twilight. That from where my story begins.