For the sake of a child, all Equestria will burn. This is the tale of the birth of a terrible villain, and this is the tale of the birth of a mighty hero.
Rated "teen" for mild blood 'n guts.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 2nd Dec, 2011
- offline last seen May 20th, 2015
Donnys Boy
My name is Donny's Boy. I ship ponies.
Donnys Boy
Joined 2nd Dec, 2011 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Professor Piggy · 9.3k words · 127 4 · 5.9k views
- AegisExemplar · 1k words · 36 16 · 1.2k views
- Cloudhammer · 4.8k words · 37 18 · 1.4k views
- TheVulpineHero1 · 1k words · 79 5 · 3.6k views
- Jondor · 13k words · 92 15 · 2.4k views
- Krass McWriter · 8k words · 82 30 · 2.9k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.102 seconds
Total duration
698 users online
1,035,326 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Wait wait wait. Wait. Did you just turn that girl... into Twilight?
779214
Possibly, I think it is suppose to be open to interpretation, but it seems that is probably the case.
Good job with this story Donny. Very well done and fits your style of writing well. So it takes not just the fact that her subjects like Celestia more, but to have the one being besides her sister that she actually befriended to forget her to put her off the edge and into darkness
I kind of like the "Conversion Kills" message there. Since it's the first ever Conversion, they don't have it right yet...
... wow. Beautiful man. Just... beautiful.
Wow, that's deep when you think about it. Its totally sets up the stage for the whole nightmare moon takeover and banishment thing...wow
> Written in response to a story request from a person with the mentality of a supervillan.
Not sure if want.
Donny's Boy wrote a story that isn't cute shipping? Whaaaat?
Haha, well, in all likelihood I'll give this a read soon. I've been too impressed by your other work not to.
779214
I will say, though, that this story is not tagged as having OCs as part of the cast ... and that absence of tags was not an oversight on my part.
That is a very interesting question! One that I am not going to answer!
779275
Thanks! Interesting, but pleasing, to hear that you think this story fits my style.
779326
Also, in their defense, it's an emergency situation.
779435
There are a few other things that this story has implications for, as well, in addition to the banishment of Nightmare Moon--things that appear in the actual show.
779466
Thanks, y'all.
779842
If you have anything you'd like to say about Chatoyance, please take it up with her directly via PM or on her Fimfiction page. I really don't want my story's comments section to become a referendum on another Fimfiction writer. Thanks very much.
Feel free to criticize me all you want, though. I'm totally fair game here.
Also, while the story was written in response to a request from Chatoyance, this story is very much reflective of my own writing style, preferred themes, viewpoints, etc. For whatever it's worth.
779856
I KNOW! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?
I hope you like it okay, if you do read it.
A human child, and a botched conversion, as the catalyst of the Nightmare Moon? Interesting choice!
Well met, and a fascinating story! I like the notion that such a tragedy could have created Nightmare Moon, and I also like the symmetry of Twilight Sparkle being revived a thousand years later to be the one to bring Luna back from the abyss. It even explains why Twilight is so terribly, frighteningly powerful - she was reborn through magic itself. It just fits like puzzle pieces so perfectly, so nicely.
More, it even fits as an origin for the Bureau mythos. Before my notion of Willelmus Learmont, there must have been experiments that discovered our universe, our planet in the first place. This satisfies this concept - how was Earth found? Luna discovered our primitive, warring tribes, and had her heart broken, to become Nightmare Moon. All else rationally proceeds.
You have not merely completed the request, you have done a masterpiece.
Brilliant beyond measure.
Luna's change felt a little forced. Why, exactly, does she consider the filly an abomination? What was so terrible about memory loss that it drove Luna over the edge?
Bravo good sir.
Ah, DB. You say I graciously allowed it like I wasn't bouncing up and down like an excited child at the thought of what you'd do with it.
And with good reason - this is completely different than anything I could have imagined, and it is brilliantly executed. Luna's characterisation is heartbreaking, to me - it feels all throughout like she's right on the edge. She just wants one pony - or person - to love her. One. She's breaking apart inside, and the apathy and resentment contrast beautifully with her scenes with the ape-child. It is, by the way, a credit to your ability to create tension and fear that ape-child didn't make me laugh - just broke my heart a little more.
Correct me if I'm wrong, here - I probably am - but it seems to me that her reaction to the healing of Twilight is...denial? A defense mechanism? I'm not sure what to call it. It's not until Twilight tells her she doesn't remember that Luna calls her an abomination, tries to destroy her - not because she believes it, but because she can't handle or accept the fact that the one being she believed loved her (except, perhaps, Celestia) could forget her. She won't accept it. And so she destroys her, to her mind - though I've no doubt at all that had she really wanted to she could and would have killed her. And that leaves her in a very bad way, because not only is she alone and unloved again - she feels like the only love she did get, from Twi, was a lie. And that's enough to break her.
I'm not sure if that's what you had in mind, but it's what I took from it. And I love it. Amazing work, as always, my nemesis.
779856
... 
It's obviously just a prelude for a Twilestia story, establishing that Twilight is actually a thousand years old to lessen worries of Celestia figuratively robbing the cradle.
But seriously, this was an interesting take on the interaction between ponies and humans, showing both settings far in the past. Luna losing the girl even though she was technically saved was heartbreaking... and I can see the fact that Celestia did it being a sticking point in the events to come.
Well done, Donny's Boy. I love your shipping, but seeing something different occasionally is nice. I do say "occasionally" though, and then pointedly look at the lack of multi-chapter story involving your OTP.
Ok, I have spent a couple hours away thinking about this story, and now I think I am ready to put some thoughts to paper.
The first three quarters of this story were really good. You established the tone quickly and efficiently and gave Luna some nice characterisation. The contrast between Equestria and the violence of the human world was really well done.
However, towards the end of the story, things... well. Let me explain.
First off, I think the big thing here was a lack of foundation for Luna's reactions and behaviour. I am really torn here because on the one hand, looking at this from the big picture with the context provided to me from months of consuming character motivations, histories, etc, I was able to get the end game and the story's conclusion. However, if we take a step back, and look at this story by itself, then I become incredibly confused. Luna's emotional journey felt very rushed here, and the loneliness/anger that people were ignoring the night was vague at best to non-existent for the latter. Yet still, the story's progression was all smooth sailing until 'Twi' was turned. Where on earth did Luna's sudden rejection come from (as an quick aside, she has spent only a handful of hours with this girl, yet she is pinning everything on her like that?)? She was filled with so much optimism and expectation for this child -- pinning her own hopes on her -- and suddenly, in a mere handful of lines, she completely reverses her opinion to the point of wanting her destroyed or banished. This brand new life form, she literally wants it sent to hell. Why? Is it denial that she could be forgotten? Ok, sure. I can get that, but calling it an abomination for something the poor thing has no control over? Yikes.
There was nothing wrong with that end game, though, let me say that again. Luna's response can make sense, in a dark, dark way that does not speak favourably about her personality at all (after all, it’s so selfish it would make sense being a behaviour coming from Nightmare). No, it was the journey I am having problems with. The foundation for her response wasn't really established, and so I was left feeling very confused and hurt that Luna would ever act like that to something so helpless without proper justification.
Also, and this is my big thing, where did the Nightmare plot come from? That felt dropped on, and I must confess to not at all getting what the connection is between what happened and Luna deciding that she wants to rule in night eternal. Well, that’s not entirely true; I get what you were trying to do (I think), I am just not convinced it worked. The child would have worked brilliantly as a spark or a catalyst for this change (which is what I am pretty sure you were going for), but there wasn't anywhere near enough emphasis put on Luna's resentment for the ponies ignoring her night for me to accept that as a logical action for Luna to take. It was a rushed conclusion, not something that felt like the end result of months or even years of silent aguish over constant rejection and loneliness like it probably should. Again, as a catalyst it would have worked, but the foundation from earlier in the story felt like the beginning of a Luna-turns-Nightmare story, not just mere days before she turns. Turning evil like that doesn't happen overnight, and the way Luna was presented gave the impression of it being during the beginning of her fall from grace, not the end.
And yet, despite everything, please, don’t get me wrong, I actually still enjoyed this fic. The relationship between Luna and ‘Twi’ in the human world was really, really great, something which I wish you spent more time on (would have helped justify Luna’s response for one). The first two thirds of this story keeps my vote an upvote, if that means anything, haha. Again, this wasn’t bad, I just think the foundations for Luna’s response and conclusion lacked the appropriate context and development.
Oh good lord. I have written an essay. D: I didn’t mean to! I swear! I do love you, DB, I really do!
780479
781123
Thanks! If nothing else, I hoped to gain a few points for interesting concept.
780617
I'm so glad you liked it! This is only the second time I've written a story that was for someone, and while of course I want everyone under the sun to love it, I especially hoped that you wouldn't be disappointed. I wasn't sure--most of TCB is sci-fi set in a near future, while this is much more fantasy and set in a roughly medieval era.
Also, I tried to leave enough details about the portal and Luna's discovery/creation just vague enough that this conceivably fit into a number of TCB 'verses, so it's good to hear that was apparently successful.
781385
Thanks so much, Piggy. You know I always love hearing what you think of my writing and reading your analyses.
Regarding Luna at the end ... yes, there's meant to be a fair bit of denial. Also--and I am thinking I might revise to make this clearer--there's meant to be guilt. Mostly, Luna is reacting to what's happened as though it's a loss, because for her, it is.
782455
o god. That proposed sequel ...
I'm happy to hear you liked this, even though it was something different than my usual. (And I am working on a multi-chapter TwiPie! Promise!)
780910
I'd hoped to show that Luna took the change as a death, and that's partly why she reacts as she does. Also, I need to revise that line about "abominations" because ... well, Luna wasn't really talking about the filly, and that's not clear. My apologies.
783230
You don't have to apologize for essays, y'know. I like essays! And you should feel free to downvote. Endings are important, and if I flubbed this ending, then I flubbed the story. (You don't have to downvote of course--how and if people vote is completely up to them, I very firmly believe--I just wanted to make it clear that I wouldn't take it personally or anything were you to do so.)
The story should work in and of itself, though I'd hoped that it would lead to people speculating on what this implied backstory means for canon events in the show--so if it doesn't work in and of itself, that's a problem. (I'm not certain I agree about the depiction of Luna in the first two thirds of the story not showing her loneliness or anger; I shall have to reflect some more on that. Thanks for mentioning it.) I do think you understand what I was going for--the end being the straw that broke the camel's back for Luna was, indeed, my intent--so I really appreciate hearing from someone who understands what I was going for that, nope, sorry, Donny, didn't work. It's disappointing to hear, as I'm only human, but it's important to know.
And for what it's worth, it was the ending that gave me the most trouble while writing, and while I'd wrestled it into something I was ultimately happy with (I never publish anything that I consider substandard), it makes total sense to me that I'm hearing that this is where the main problems seem to lie.
785020 It's interesting, because honestly, it wasn't that Luna's loneliness and what-not wasn't present in the story, it was more the fact that the emphasis wasn't strong enough to justify her actions. Of course, the risk there is making her seem angsty and 'woe is me!', something which you probably very reasonably wanted to avoid. Still, an equilibrium needs to be reached, and I just wasn't convinced that it was in this story, unfortunately. As I said, it was a perfect, 'this where the cracks are beginning the show', which right up until she starts calling Twi an abomination is exactly what I thought was going on. I think with a tad more length, and a little more development of every side of Luna's fears and insecurities, the problems I have would be remedied. It just seemed to jump from emotional development point A to C without ever even going near B.
I hope that makes sense! And again, I loved the first part, so the little green thumb stays!
785020
I understand that Luna took the change as a death, but I didn't understand why she took the change as a death. You're also using this death in a "straw that broke the camel's back" sort of way, but you camel doesn't seem to be under near-back-breaking strain before this happens. Maybe show a little bit more of the stress and pain Luna is experience. And show a little bit more of how Luna values this little girl as a person, how Luna values the little girl's personality and mind, those things that are lost in the change.
Wouldn't it be cool if there was a background episode on twilight and luna with a story of this nature, minus the blood and guts and all of course.
785038
*nod* I may or may not revise, but if I do, I'll toss up a blog post mentioning I've done so.
785044
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So similar to what Mystic is saying, then, it sounds like. Thanks muchly for explaining!
785547
Heh, yeah, that's a big "no" on the blood 'n guts. I was mildly surprised (but not displeased) to see the big Mane Six fight at the end of the season 2 finale, actually.
779971
Well, evidently you have no problem writing stories that don't involve shipping. Seriously, this was excellent. You showed a remarkable amount of character depth for such a short story. I think I've realized what draws me to your writing so much. You have a fantastic understanding of characters' emotions, and you use that to write the characters in a way that is very true to form and believable, be it in a shipping story or otherwise. I think that's exactly what I liked about this story as well. You know how to illustrate emotions properly within a story, and it just makes everything you write engrossing. Haha and since I saw you mentioned it, multi chapter Twinkie sounds awfully fun...
A very nicely done piece, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I did feel the ending was a little too quick though, but only a tad.
There have been a couple of mentions of the idea that you didn't emphasize Luna's stress enough to justify the situation, but personally I felt that you put in just enough to make the situation obvious without trying to go too deep into Luna's psyche, and if you'd done that this would have ended up being a much longer piece, and changed the entire tone of the thing.
All in all,
this meets with my full approval.
789646
I do try to get in the characters' heads and figure out what makes 'em tick, as that's a lot of fun for me, so it's very gratifying to hear that you think I've succeeded.
Oh, gosh, thank you so much.
Also, yes, there needs to be more multi-chapter TwiPie stories in general.
793533
*nod* I think the ending likely was, as well--or, at the least, didn't quite work given the build-up preceding it. I'm glad you liked the rest, though!