neokiva
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A little note on the formatting: after a character speaks, if another one starts dialogue you should put that on a new line. Either start a new paragraph, or indent the new line, but my personal preference leans heavily towards a whole new paragraph. Other than that, the story's great!
Quite a great start. will follow this
holy fuck love it allready keep up the good Work
Interesting. I like it, and will follow.
Idea great; story fine. Grammar a little hard to follow. I found myself having to re-read a couple of paragraphs to make sense out of them.
Worth the effort, I think.
Love the story and wow so twilights whole bookish shy side is a front cool
I'm gonna be honest: look into getting an editor or at least a pre-reader. Best of luck
I'll admit some curiosity, but I will say from having Twilight flip out a little at Rainbow Dash discovering her who gearhead thing to nonchalantly and without issue mentioning all of the Celestia romance stuff... feels off.
Loving it.
This coulduse some work. I tryed reading it as tthe concept is I teresring but how the dialogue goes in the begining with her going from freak out to suddenly confession of her and Celetias relationship is clunky and jarring and somewhat out of the blue for coming off of a minor freak out.
Also spike not being aware Twi would be freaking out having her secret uncovered when there is no way he wouldn't know why this was all hidden either shows him to not really care about Twilight or to be a complete moron.
Also I question how Twilight kept the fact she clearly owns and operates a massive company from her friends much less built a massive underground garage that wasn't discorcrd already as a public library main floor would be a bad place for a main entrance since anyone could just walk in off the street and see the stairs open up or accidently open it them selves since the lever is what it is.
Also may want to explain why Twi calls Luna sister when her and Celestis are not married and there for have no relationship like that. I know basic common sense is in play for it but still may want to explain.
If you did explain then I must apologize as I stopped reading after Luna showed up.
The concept is interesting and has potential but it could use a bit of work.
Also I apologize if I come off as mean or anything, was not my intentions as I am just stating my thoughts on the story and you are free to ignore them.
The story felt a bit rushed and incomplete, try adding some more details or descriptions of character actions between lines of dialogue. Also, please try adding some more commas here and there, it'll make the text much more readable.
Eh...inventor Twi seems like a nice concept...and I like the idea of a well trained Twi but...you tried to do it in one chapter.
Great story but it seems rushed. Like and tracking.
a few grammer errors here and there, but apart from that its good. if you continue to write this, i will continue to read it.
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You guys obviously missed the authors note explaining this is unedited and that I require editor/s
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Actually I do explain why in the conversation between twi and Rainbow celestia's personal students are celestia's betrothed, she picks a pony who piques her interest and trains them so that they won't die on her. Of course the student is allowed to reject her offer and she doesn't force the pony to love her, she lets the love grow through exposure to her but doesn't force herself on her students (all the prominent magic houses like sparkle house know already and consider it a great honour) and so when Twilight accepted she knew that she'd become tia's wife and lover.
7231342 so.....that's creepy as if you have single contact with some one of course feelings will develop and if you are brought up being taught this isis going to happen its basicly brainwashing....least that's how it sounds.
As I said I'm jot trying to sound mean or anything its just thoughts on the story and how things sound to me and I don't think you were going for a creepy brainwashing angle.
Butni refomen checking the editor group for an editor.
7231349 it's not brainwashing it's just the students (when old enough) start dating her the personal student angle is to bypass the fact that normally no pony could get close enough to her without the mask to develop feelings for her and if you still think that's brainwashing then you must think all dating is brainwashing. Just to reiterate the students can reject her at anytime. And the training I mentioned is magic and physical training and voluntary magic body modification to help the normal ponies keep up with her for safety.
Love the story can't wait for the next chapter.
7231342 My point is that editing is a thing that should happen BEFORE you post it. There's lots of groups around fimfiction that offer editing services, like this one. A quick search of the groups would bring up a whole bunch, but that's a good place to start.
Good luck.
7231383 except when she became her personal student she was like 6 years old..
So a small child...who doesn't really understand what she is agreeing to and then spends all her time around the princess and no one else really besides Spike..
So not only was Celestis showing interest in a small child but factor in if you spend all your time around one person you will develop some.form.of feelings for them as they are basicly the only person you know. That is not dating dude. That is manipulation and mild brainwashing with some stockholm syndrom thrown in as there is no real alternative for this outcome as by the time she is old enough to actullu make a decision for herself she has already spent most of her time around Celestis so will choose to stay because that is all she really knows.
7231842 everyones a child to you when your thousands of years old so a mute point, and I never said she was going to be with celestia all the time and she had multiple friends her age, different teachers and celestia makes absolutely sure they know and understand prior to even agreeing doesn't even let them agree until they have thoroughly thought about it. Adults have a bad habit of underestimating how much children can understand.
7231926i have ststrr my thoughts on the situation and there is no point restating them as you have yet to male an argument that does not make this somewhat creepy sounding.
7231946 how about if I told you she wasn't 6 when she was chosen but 13?
7231953 OK that works somewhat. Still a mildly creepy arrangement on things but that's more donto how I see their relationship.
7231342 sorry, I completely missed the author's note down there
7231342
Sorry, I also missed it too.
A great story and a very interesting concept, but you put too many big revels into a single chapter and that made the whole thing feel really rushed.
freaking great, story i be following it
Love it keep up the good work!!!
7237207 thats pretty much how all neokivas stories are they feel jerky and rushed like you snap you hit one major part snap your at the next its not fluid but honestly i dont care how fluid the story is so long as its good.
the stories get better drastically once the edit is released
7308955 this was edited and proof read
the shipping... it's too much.... *poof*
I honestly am not a fan on the whole "Twilestia" ship but I am enjoying the story itself. Keepisode up the good work.
Moar.
wooo nice chapter neokiva can't wait to see how twilight became an admiral :D
Nice chapter! needs some editing since there are some errors but those are manageable
Yay An update! I honestly thought this story was dead or something, I'm glad to see its not.
7743096 I update by whim and what ideas I have at the time, and that doesn't lend itself to a conducive or constructive update schedule.
As nice as this chapter is, only either an idiot or a lunatic would use the maiden voyage of an experimental craft as the means of prepping a colonisation site.
That should be saved for at EARLIEST the fifth run of the third iteration of the craft, so any issues could get worked out.
After all Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin didn't get to the moon on the Apollo 1!
Try again.
WITH BETTER SCIENCE!!!!!
Also, you bloody well better have Twilight build a pony-equivalent to a Death Star.
I NEED MY WANTON DESTRUCTION FUELED BY PRESSING A GIANT DESTRUCTIVE SCIENCE BUTTON!!!!!!!
nice chapter,
7743119 yes well realism aside (hard sci-fi is not my forte) space stations of planetary doom will not be happening anytime soon, unless it's alien.
7743258 I was only joking about the Death Star thing, but not the rest.
It was VERY bad science, using what's effectively a prototype for the end purpose.
So, umm, you haven't shown Rainbow to be anything but annoyed and uncomfortable about Luna's affections and it's coming off as kinda a little completely molesterey. I dunno, this might be on purpose, but I thought I'd point it out.
7743296 it is on purpose the overaggressiveness, but not because she is a creepy stalker, she is she is still relatively new to modern interaction, and she was used to having her pick of any mare or stallion she wanted. Obviously no one refused her advances. So Rainbow Dash is going to help her adjust.
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Oh thanks so much for the video made me laugh. You are right how ever never a good idea to think a prototype or the first generation of a craft well work with no glitches or bugs.
Exactly how many fandoms were squeezed into this chapter?
7752838 just two the mlp fim (which is already steampunk anyway) and sci-fi(which is a key component of steampunk) sprinkled with a few ships so really technically only one.
MORE!!!!
update mas plz?
more plz
R.I.P