Human Hands

Caring gets a human roommate. But the human doesn't know that his hands are something else in Equestria.

First story with my OC.

Spoiler Alert: This story involves a human giving my OC a behind the ear scratch,belly rub, etc.

Thank PrinceLightningFlash for proofreading this.

As of August 22nd this story has reached 250 views.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 3 )

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HatePlow

HatePlow #1 · May 15th, 2016 · · · Those Hands ·

I started to read but the dialogue feels really forced and stiff. You might want to try going through a conversation out loud to make sure it sounds right.

JarOfHearts

JarOfHearts #2 · May 15th, 2016 · · · Those Hands ·

7216504 Seconded, try looking at a few highly rated fics or even a few books to see how they handle dialogue. What you've got is a bad case of Ping Pong speech. *ping* First guy say's a sentence *pong* Second guy replies *Ping* first guy replies to second guy *pong* second guy replies again. This is an easy trap to fall into, because closely mirrors how a conversation progresses.

What few realize is that often this style focuses on the talking, and only the talking. People rarely talk to each other while looking directly at their conversation partner and doing nothing else. Their eyes will wander and they will interact with their environment, they might eat, fiddle with something on their person or their hair, these action should also reflect the persons personality and mood. A individual with a laid back personality might eat some fast food while talking, probably with his mouth full. An exited person is going to be filled with energy and will want to move. And a nervous Laid back person might take a swig of scotch from flask while turning to look at any source of noise.

Also, when talking people often say more than a single sentence, usually several. However, on top of everything else, you must remember your prime objective as an writer, to provide the most story/characterization with as few words as possible. Let me try to give you an example:

"Ah- *Belch* Ah tell ya, Mar. I knew she was trouble the moment that sssssssstupid pony walked inta mah life." Salted Comma rambled drunkenly, waving his mug of in the air before tipping its contents down his gullet. Meanwhile 'Mar' simply nodded along with Comma's undignified slurs, offering a quiet 'mm hmm' when appropriate. "She always finds sssssoOOME OTHER STALLION AHN SAY'S 'we gotta take a break'," Salt threw up the best air quotes hooves would allow while his voice adopted a mocking falsetto. "Then a week later she gets bored of the dumb schmuck and comes slinking back LIKE NUTHIN happened. With them big ol' puppy dog eyes and all that sweet talk. 'I was just confused, you're the only one for me!" He pantomimed, with the high pitch making a return appearance before he laid his head down, as if the cold table would whisper the answer to his lady troubles. "How many times has she pulled this stunt? Ah, ah don't even remember anymer." He mumbled in to the pine.
"Eight times," answered Mar, "nine if you count that one night with Hay Roll."
"Hey that don't count," Salt's head shooting up off the table glaring at his friend, "she was reeeally drunk. Side's she said she was sorry." His baleful gaze dropped from his friend to his drink, the sixth one tonight. "She said she was sorry." He mumbled.
Mar apparently feel the need to comment and simply sat.
Salt seemed like he was trying to say something, he was working his mouth like he had to chew the words before he could speak them. "I'm going to give her one more chance. This is it, the last time."
"Are you sure? You've said that before too."
Comma shook his head "No, I-" Unfortunately his head shaking shook him a little more than he anticipated and sent him to the floor. After a few attempts to get up on his own failed, a mane filled with gentle golden curls suddenly filled his sight as he was lifted into a standing position. "Thanks, Mar." He said as his eyelids became harder to keep open. "Yur a good friend."
Had his eyes been open at the time, he would have seen the look of hurt flash across Marigold's face at the word 'friend'. It was brief, but it was there. She worked Salt onto her slender back as he dropped into a unsteady slumber. She looked at his sleeping face hanging from her shoulder and gently nuzzled his cheek. The embrace was almost chaste. Almost. And with heavy hooves she slowly made her way towards the door with Salt in tow. She had to get him home, even if in her heart of hearts she didn't want to.

Hope this helps

Somber Concerto

Somber Concerto #3 · Jul 13th, 2020 · · · Those Hands ·

I love the setup of this story! I am incredibly jealous of your OC. Though you might want to work on your use of commas and sentence flow. Other than that, great job!

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