A pony has fell in love with you: a human. Will she find out or will you tell her?
2nd person romance.
You X Lyra Heartstrings
As of August 1st this story has reached 250 views.
Proofread by PrinceLightningStrike28.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 13th Nov, 2015
- offline last seen January 5th
CaringSlash
I write short romance and adventure stories. I post update blogs. I've been a Brony ever since July 2014.
CaringSlash
Joined 13th Nov, 2015 ·
Offline
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.
7428589
Cool.
7428626
If a bunch of people like it I'll make a sequel.
7428635
What's the problem?
Oh ok. I have that problem when I type on my phone.
It's rushed and could benefit from having more of the W's. Who they are is not described much beyond names. Where they are is named but not explained. Why they like each other is barely addressed.
Still, it was cute and I liked it so have a up thumb.
Well darling, This seems... well, how do I put it
rushed... EXTREMELY rushed. there's no real character development, we never get to know this person, we don't know HOW he fell for Lyra, we don't have any backstory as to how he got to Equestria in the first place, the first paragraph in the very first chapter is literally: ''You (suddenly) appeared in Equestria a month ago. You've made friends with some ponies, you got a job, live in a nice house, and..........somepony already has a crush on you.''
Now I will admit, I'm certainly no professional. but from the very first paragraph.. well, let's say even I know this has a huge chance be in a ''Bad HiE'' group, Trust me man, I used to have a different account. and it HURTS to have hard work thrown in a trash bin to be ridiculed at
I believe you CAN do better, don't give up on this. I honestly believe you can develop as this goes on
With Cake, Hugs and Ponies
MisterMercury xx
7429175
I've been trying to get better at story writing but I feel like I'm getting a little better at it.
Usually my story's ain't that rushed. But I don't think this one was as rushed as the other stories.
I was thinking should I put it in the "HIE" group but I didn't.
With Kindness
Dalton1
7429600 Well, I do believe you'll get better with time
but in the meantime, have a thumb up and a follow! :D xx
7429657
Thanks.
7429657
Thanks.
Wow 'we' get together quickly
i think you have a good frame to make a more indepth story in the future as you get more confident, good luck and the best of luck to ya
7432896
Thanks.
i like it have a thumbs up just slow down a bit. hell i'm making my own story and each chapter has quiet a bit of words and i still feel like its to rushed if you wanna read what i've made so for let me know
This is going to be good
A nice quickie romance to brighten up the day!
Thank you.
7872943
Your Welcome. ;)