"I, dig a pony, well you can celebrate anything you want, yeah, you can celebrate anything you want..."
TwiJack283 stories ·1,045 members
Alicorn Applejack and Other Amazin' Apple Stories2,261 stories ·653 members
Twilight's Marem/Harem3,585 stories ·2,222 members
Alicorn Twilight Love528 stories ·252 members
Without giving it away...have you ever tried to find a present for someone that tells them how much you love them? A present that is truly from your heart? You would somehow find a way to pay for it if only your heart would tell you what it was...
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That was very sweet. And though it's obvious there are influences of Gifts of the Magi in there, it doesn't detract from the story in any way.
7074311 Thank you! I was going to be clever and try to hide the name but when I saw "The Gift of Maud" coming up this Saturday, I figured I'd just go with the working title and publish it. (Been listening to the O. Henry audio book... He was an AMAZING writer but reading his work is like eating a VERY rich dessert - too much can be an overload
)
Oh, and if you're a fan of the original, the very booth in the bar in NYC where he wrote it has a brass plaque on it commemorating it.
Very cute! A bit on the dramatic side, but with Rarity as the storyteller, that's almost guaranteed.
One of the better TwiJack stories (of which there are not enough) on the site!
8003012
It has nothing to do with my writing, it's just that when I write I find I have to really believe in something and I really believe in these two and how much they love each other and when they hurt, I hurt. 
Thank you and you're welcome! ( I just found that TINY unpublished chapter and stuck it in there.) I just re-read it and of course found a TON of errors in the writing, but that's inevitable. I have to say, I also shed some tears
I've written SO much about them that I've fallen in love with their love for each other.
Now just about EVERYTHING I write ends up heading towards a Twijack story. The first story has now turned into a mulit-volume epic. (When I say epic I don't mean it as a compliment, I mean it as it's a BIG story starting way back with Clover the Clever and going up to present day.) You can only see it if you have mature access. (It gets VERY mature at times.) I'm fixing a chapter in "Don't Pass Me By," the second book of the series. I'm back into writing but I re-work chapters constantly so it takes forever to get them out there...)
Thanks again for the encouragement, I really need it
8094837
Thank you! I just re-read it and, yeah, pretty much everypony spends a lot of time crying (with the exception of the old wizard and Derpy!) The problem with all that crying is that once you hit it, as far as emotion, you have nowhere else to go. I would back it down if I re-wrote it. Thanks again for the encouragement! As I wrote Haycray, I really appreciate it. Back to my re-visit of "Don't Pass me By" (backing down some of the crazy Dash adult stuff there!)
8003012
Please forgive me - I am SO sorry I didn’t answer you earlier!! I just saw this. I got away from writing for awhile which is sad. The ponies began to slip away from me, but they’re back stronger than ever. It seems most of what I write ends up as a Twijack ship. I have a question for you. I find it difficult to avoid taking this ship into lusty waters. It’s all part of what’s missing in the show and for me, the shyness of these two lends itself to very cute, very sweet and somewhat awkward sex. Should I try to just allude to it and bring it down to a teen level? I’d love to get more readers and I’m beginning to suspect that “Mature” really limits my readers more than I’d realized. Perhaps people read Mature expecting clop, so they’re unhappy with the story and if I put it in teen, they’re shocked by the somewhat graphic sex...
What do you think?
That was a good read, IDigAPony, a cozy message of love, family, and giving from the heart. A Gift of the Ponies seems to be a parody of another famous gift giving story but with a twist at the end that adds your own touch while being in the spirit of FIM.
The conflict: It was amazing, I was feeling AJ's dilemma on not having a gift. After all what does one give a princess who grew up in the pinnacles of Canterlot? Not to mention the tricky financial situation of the Apple family to go with the expectations of it being Twilight and AJ's first Hearth’s Warming Eve together and it's clear why Applejack was so desperate to obtain something with real value to give. Using the trophies/medals was a nice touch as they reflect something important to AJ in her prideful competitive nature and play into The Last Roundup and Applebuck Season: TLR in knowing how much it can cost AJ to reach first place sometimes; AS for the trophy (the same one I take it?) obtain during the apple harvest that marks their first really time together. And of course the tree with Twilight speaks volumes about Twi finding a second home and having something new to hold on to with this family.
My favorite part has got to be when Twilight went after Applejack and the events when they got to the hill. I'm a bit of a sucker when Twilight takes action like that since it seems to be more common for writers to have AJ do it in these situations. Also this part brought a grin: “Of course I do! So, I got down on my knees and I took your Mama’s hoof in mine and I said to her ‘Applejack, if this is how you go about ruining everything, then would you do me a favor?’ And your Mama said ‘What?” And I said “Promise me you’ll utterly destroy my life’ Twilight could barely speak the last words.
Having Rarity as the storyteller lends the story an outsider's point of view and seeing her relationship with the children was adorable (ex: that hugging to comfort Rarity). I would suggest switching the story to third person via flashback for those larger more emotional moments as that might take the best advantage of the situation and let the scene play out more (which is my greatest advice) and to get around Rarity having to explain to the children how she knew every thought she knew.
Perhaps switch "Mama" and "Mommy" out every once in a while to Applejack or Twilight; I'm guessing you wanted to add some ambiguity to the characters or reflect who they are to Misty Dawn and Honey Crisp more but it can get a little confusing to tell them apart when both characters are on the page.
One thing that I noticed is that you do well at describing the smaller actions; that scene where the old unicorn melted the gold for example was a treat to read and I was pulled in, fascinated by the process. However don't overlook the senses: how did that mug of cider taste; did Applejack feel a crispness and chill in the air as she journeyed into the Everfree, the kiss when Applejack and Twilight reunited, how it feel for them?
These are what I enjoyed and some things to take into consideration. I know my comments are bit all over the place (I'm very rusty) but here's the breakdown:
Pros:
- Conflict is real and believable, making nice use of a good conflict aspect of Twijack
- Twist at the end with the piece of wood
- the use of Rarity to approach the story from the outside and her interactions with the children
- the description of small actions
- the climax
Consider working on:
- story needs to slow down at times and let the impact take hold or it can come off as rushed
- can get confusing to tell who is who
- even if it is Rarity it's hard to imagine the details she knew without having been there
Also there are people far better than me at check grammar but:
". . . in a single deft motion lifted it clear of her hooves." "Of" should be "off".
" . . . next night balancing the books of the farm," Try "for the farm".
Things to add more to:
- who was the old unicorn and where was Zecora?
Overall a very good story, IDigAPony.
Ok, this is just adorable