Everypony expect that the wonderbolts have a great life and lot of friends, but when Spitfire damages her wing at a live performance, something changes inside her and she wants to leave Cloudsdale she realizes that perhaps she can't turn to anypony.
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Good so far, we need more TwiFire, now all that is needed is a TwiDashFire threesome
Looking good. I havent really read any TwiFire before, but I think I`m going to like it.
Looking forward for the next chapter.
the Idea is a good one. and I like the plot. but the grammar needs work. if you like I can help you with editing?
2962594
Thanks, then the next thing you would ask for is a foursome isn't it?
2963174
Me neither, I don't think I ever read one o.O, so I hope you will enjoy it :).
2963541
Thanks, yeah I know, unfortunately grammar is not my strong side :(, also editing, so it would be great if you can help me out, thanks a lot :).
it's not bad, and the story line has serious potential. but, the grammar and punctuation needs some work. might i suggest getting an editor?
2964084
Yes you can :P
2964018
I am a self proclaimed lover of uncommon ships and I have too much time on my hands, so I'll take the time to mention the four other Twifire stories I remember.
A quick search got me the links to two of them, and I'm too lazy to find the other two.
The other two, oddly enough, are actually foursomes. One is a really popular story with a mature rating that's been going on for a long time and is probably somewhere upwards 150K-200K words if you include the sequel. The other is one that I barely remember, but I think that it was Spitfire getting in a three or foursome with Derpy, and at the end it was implied that they were getting Twilight to join the three/four/fivesome.
T-t-t-t-t-too much time on my hands...
2977576
Wish I'd be in the same situation as you..... well I was in the past, but I didn't write back then :/, only read a lot.... but not any Twifire I can remember..so thanks for the links :P tho I'm not planning to make it three/four/five some.. xD I'm not really fond of them..
2977988
I like my Twifire as it is. At Twilight. With a fire somewhere. In some place where it's slightly chilly, but nothing too bad. And the sounds of nature are everywhere because the place is in nature. Y'know, stuff.
[Edit]: The first comment I made was before I read this story, now that I've read it though... I'm sorry to say this, but you've got a bad case of the Edimus. The only cure for Edimus is widely available though, it's called edits. I, as a novice story doctor, can only help you so much. One of your major symptoms is the use of the word "is" when because this seems to be past tense it should be "was", I saw you use "can" instead of "could" at some point, I think there were a few bad "it's" in there too . Also, why the heck do The Wonderbolts not have an active medical team for this? It seems more realistic to me for Spitfire to be immediately rushed off by the active medics than for her to be carried by Soarin, set down, and then carried all the way to a hospital. I'm not saying you should change the entire beginning, but that one detail really irks me.
Spitfire only snapped out of it when Soarin, who had just came in after the doctor opened the door, tapped her lightly on the side. Something like that, or any of plenty of other less confusing alternatives.
Either go with "it's a bit..." Twilight trailed off, "... Messy.", "It's a bit... Messy." or good old fashioned "It's a bit messy."
It seems like Soarin is supposed to be trailing off at this point, should probably be ", well..."
It's either a thirty minute flight or thirty minutes of flying.
Where her baby dragon probably sleeps/slept.
I know you are working on the other chapters now, but most of these fixes are easy to find (at least for me) and just as easy to fix. I like this story, I've put this story on my favorites list, I will continue reading even if it does have some errors, but I really hope it's not this many errors.
2979533
:@ Bah I hate this so much lol.. Because whenever ppl point out to the mistakes I made, I can easily see what's wrong with it, but when I'm trying to find any of it alone... well... tho it has always been like that so I shouldn't be surprised.. :/
Sometimes even I'm surprised at myself why I wrote things the way I did..
Don't know why I put the [a] there...
[After a thirty minutes flying] or the other [where probably her baby dragon sleeps.] the second.. no comment.. -_-
I wanted to place more dots behind it dunno why I didn't.. ["No, it's just that she is, well."]
It should be has isn't it xD.
[Yet she still have more friends than me."]
I don't know why can't I find these things when I go through the whole thing after I finish a chapter... It's sad..., but thank you for doing it.
2980864
S'alright, the fact that you're trying is good enough for me, heck, the only story I've ever completed took about three hours for a little bit under 1000 words because I kept on looking at sentences and saying "Hmmm... It just doesn't look right, I better think of a way to change it." I'm happy with how it is, but still, it took a lot of changing to get to that point, I can't even begin to imagine how long I'd spend editing if I tried to write a multiple chapter story.
3047572
Sometimes I'm screwing with mines for hours trying to make it better after I finish them.... I wish I could write one..., but no matter how hard I want or try to, I can't come up with anything to make a long story :( also I became a junk once again and started to write 2 more stories instead of continuing the ones I got incomplete (this fic, TENS, The Separated Souls) -_-. "Luckily" I work 6 days a week this and next week as well so I don't really find the time to write... for a while..
This seems pretty interesting I'm going to keep an eye on this fic.
i hope you end up working on this and do some updates, this can be a really good story once you start working more on it
I really, really like the premise of this story, but as others have said the grammar needs some work as the transitions are a bit jarring at times. I'll give it a watch though cause I'd like to see where this goes. Good luck!
As good as the Beauty in the Blossom, or a Birds takeoff, which are descriptions. You need to work on punctuation and mood though....
Well this is interesting, will it be updated ?
Continue the story please.
3049323 so is this story dead...or what?
This is a very interesting story to read it is getting better and better keep up a good work update more soon.
Are you going to finish this story?
3049323
So is this story dead?
Great start. Hope you return to it someday.